Bittersweet and Confused

It was a bittersweet day yesterday. My beloved couch Kelly, was kicked to the curb, or more accurately, the dumpster...

However, a new couch, Lilly, was brought into the Bagwine digs with the help of Pizza Bill who is pictured on your right...


On the upside, Bagwine Central went from looking all dour and old like this...


To looking all sleek and modern as pictured here...

I thank Pizza Bill for helping a brutha out, and thank him as well for bringing up one of his incredible pizzas and his lovely wife for a visit after the move was done.

Thanks Guys!!

In addition to the new tangible pieces of furniture, a lot of confusion moved into the digs as well.

As of yet, I haven't found a place to put that.

Off to the Beer Mine from 10-9 today and tomorrow as well, so I'll see you when I see you.

Cheers!!

K-Minus One Day

This is it folks. That's all there is...

There isn't any more.

I work from 11-9 today. Afterwards, I am going to see Ryno for awhile, and when I get home at 11:30 or so tonight...

I will check my email, fiddle around briefly on the computer, and then go to sleep.

And my friends, it will be the last time I ever go to sleep...On my beloved Kelly that is.


That's right. Shortly after Jay and I do our I'm With Stupid show at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio, Kelly will be cast aside forevah.

Pizza Bill has graciously volunteered his van and broad shoulders in helping me move a desk and more importantly (and tragically) a new couch into the Bagwine digs.

It's going to be incredibly sad seeing Kelly suffering the same fate that this anonymous chair met some two years ago at the Bagwine Complex...


When I saw that poor discarded chair, I said to myself, "How could anyone do that to a loyal, trusted piece of furniture?"

And now, I find myself at the business end of that same question. I feel much shame. I feel much sorrow.

But enough of the harshing of your joy on this cold, wet weekend.

If you are not too hungover, make sure to catch Jay and I on Blog Talk radio at 11 AM EDT tomorrow.

We will, among a myriad of other hi-larious things, be discussing our favorite and worst food experiences and recipes.

Make sure to tune in, and if you can stand the heat of our internet kitchen, call in with your best, worst, and most creative food experiences as well.

For more info, you can click HERE and/or HERE.

Until I see you on the radio tomorrow, pray for a peaceful end for Kelly, and as always...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiday so you know what that means!! That’s right…

Time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Tuesday evening at the Beer Mine waiting on some young punk…

YP: A case of Bud cans.

Me: You have an ID?

YP: No, man.

Me: Well sorry…can’t sell it to ya.

YP: (extending his hand out) Maybe this will change your mind.

Me: LOL. A dollar? Get the fuck outta here, dude!! Ha!!

Thursday afternoon talking to Schmoop about getting the new couch…

Me: You get your new couch Sunday, and Kelly goes into the dumpster.

Schmoop: I know. I’m so happy.

Me: Damn. I have to think of a name for the couch. Lessee, hmmmm….

Schmoop: How about Beatrice?

Me: I ain’t sleepin’ on some old woman. How about….Dana!!

Schmoop: How about you get the fuck out and think of a name for the gutter you’ll be sleeping in.

Me: Ha. Good One.

Schmoop: Hee Hee.

Thursday night at the Beer Mine waiting on a hot, voluptuous blonde babe with the greenest eyes in the world…

Me: Here’s your beer and your change.

Blonde: Why thank ya dear.

Me: By the way, I have been meaning to tell you…You have a killer pair of eyes. Wow.

Blonde: (blushing) Why thank you babe. My ex used to tell me that they make me look like I’m crazy.

Me: That’s what I meant. They make you look like you want to kill someone.

Blonde: LOL. Asshole. LOL, see ya babe.

And there you have it for this week…And now, some announcements.

I’d like to give a shout out to my brother Vince. Ol’ Vinny turns 57 today. His mullet still looks like it’s 1988.

As my son Ryno says: “Some people have their hair, but Uncle Vince’s hair has him.”

Ha!! Anyhoo…Happy birthday to my brother Vinny!!

Lastly, if you venture over to our I’m With Stupid website, you’ll find out not only what our show topic is for this Sunday @ 11 AM EDT, you get to see a new weekly feature.

Today’s I’m With Stupid site contains the initial installment of the I’m with Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week!!

Enjoy your Friday. I’ll be working the Mine tonight for a few hours, so wish me a parade of buxom, beer buying chicks in my future.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Death Comes To Bagwine

It's going to be a pleasantly cool and sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio, however...

It will be raining in my heart.

The perfect storm of disaster has slammed against the Bagwine digs leaving me drowing in a storm surge of sorrow.

Look at this picture of the command center of Bagwine Rumnations...

The computer, the phone, and possibly my router box that controls all of those things all have a case of the goo.

They are dying at a rapid pace.

The computer is slow. The phone comes through as barely audible when I call into the I'm With Stupid Blog Talk Radio show that Jay and I do, and I lose internets connection from time to time.

My heart is heavy, but full of hope. You see...

I have a phone to test out on the show today. I am taking the router back to Time Warner this week to be tested and replaced if need be, and...

I am buying a computer from Schmoop's brother that he no longer wants. It is cherry and the kind boy is setting me up with a desk, chair, and printer/scanner/fax machine that he no longer uses as well.

So...by the end of the week my computer woes will be fixed. In the meantime I may be a bit sporadic on the tubes of the nets.

"Okay" you say, "that's a bit of a pain in the ass, Matt-Man, but it is hardly tragic, 'cause you are gettin' things fixed this week."

Well, let me tell you folks. When Schmoop was over at her brother's house yesterday, her brother David decided that there was something else he wanted to get rid of.

His huge, comfortable couch. Schmoop jumped at the offer and as a result, Kelly's days in the Bagwine digs are down to seven...

That's right. My beloved couch Kelly, pictured above is getting the cold, hard, jack-booted kick in the ass and out the door by Schmoop.

Words escape me right now, for she has served me so well for so long. Once I compose myself, I will post what is sure to be an incredibly sad, yet moving funeral service.

Another crushing blow to my good nature smacked me upside da head yesterday as well...

Notre Dame crushed Purdue 23-12 in their gridiron opener. If they manage to beat Michigan next week and go 2-0, I will be really pissed.

'Cause if the Irish start the season 2-0, I'll get all asscited and hopeful and undoubtedly they will collapse during the season leaving me once again, sobbing and despondent.

And the worst part about that scenario, is that there will be no Kelly for me to lie upon and curl up into a tear-soaked fetal position.

Amen, and Amen...

If you get the chance tune into I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio today at 11 AM EDT.

I will undoubtedly have tech problems but Jay will be crystal clear as always, and next week, look out.

I'll be burning up the internets and coming through loud and clear on the show.

Have a fun rest of the Labor Day Weekend, y'all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Sloppy Seconds

It's going to be a humid and unsettled Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio, which lends itself to the opportunity of me having thunderstorm sex today.

I am more than happy about that because last night was not good.

After a hot day of work at the Beer Mine yesterday, I came home to find Schmoop looking like this...


She looked kinda hot in my shirt, and we had a couple of pre-coital beers. Life was good.

And then it got better, 'cause Schmoop laid down on Kelly the Couch with her legs spread and her hoo ha saying, "Take Me Matt-Man, Take Me!!."

But, before I could take advantage of the request, someone beat me to her honey hole...

What the fuck? Now I dig me some hot chick on chick action like most guys, but this is just disturbing not to mention bordering on illegal.

Let's hope today goes better for me in the sex area.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. Off to see Ryno for a few and then back to the digs to lock Corky in the closet and have my way with Schmoop.

Or not.

Cheers!!

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”

I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.

I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.

We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: A Raucous Day in the Life...

Boy Howdy!! Did I ever have an exciting day off yesterday. Of course, my days off are always exciting, because, well, I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

Anyhoo…In keeping with my uber-present humanitarianism I am going to list a few of the highlights of my day off so that you clowns can, for a brief moment, live vicariously through me.

When I got up yesterday, I looked like this…


By 10:30 A.M. I looked like this…

Damn right, I shaved my head as I do every so often. Tres chic, no? I was so asscited about it, I emailed Schmoop. This led to a series of communiqués that went something like this…

Me: Will you rub my head in oil tonight. It’s shaved!!
Schmoop: Ha. Why certainly!!

Me: And when you do, don’t speak English. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Schmoop: Hee Hee.

Me: If only you were off today. Rainy…low rumbles of thunder. It’s perfect “Sex-All-Day” weather. I’d even reward you by going to Rally’s and getting us some burgers. Of course you’d have to buy.
Schmoop: Yeah, that sounds great. What’s for dinner?

Me: We got nuthin’. Unless you want a side of Matty…or a frontal of Matty.
Schmoop: We’ll see. How about that frozen pizza?

Me: Yeah, that’s cool.
Schmoop: Zoves!!

I dig how Schmoop manages to hide her lust for me by directing the talk back to food. She’s so coy.

I also discussed my bald head on Twitter with among others, Evil Twin’s Wife. I continued to Twitter and chatted with Dana about the Arizona Immigrant ID law.

Growing bored with Twitter and in need of some day off productivity I checked my Facebook page where I saw that Irene and Leelee agreed with me on the question of Justin Bieber’s gayness. I love validation.

The phone rang. It was my buddy Richard, aka Crazy Cat Man from Columbus.

We talked politics as we always do and ended the conversation with a discussion about one of his cats that he had to have put down. Nice.

I then got into a discussion about abortion on the site of new blogger and Twit friend, Jetsa. I have one thing to say.

If you’re a woman who has an unintended pregnancy and Jetsa happens to be Earth Czar… Don’t expect to have an abortion. Jetsa is a Zygote Nazi!! Oy Vay!! But…she’s still hot.

In fact all of the chicks I linked today are hot. They Blog and they’re Hot. They’re Blotters.

Of course, during my day off activities I was swilling beer. And that is why at seven or so I passed out fell asleep on Kelly, and Schmoop who was there by then, turned everything off, and de-shoed me.

And there you have it…An exciting day in the life of Matt-Man. I’ll remember it fondly, for today I can’t get all wacky like I did yesterday.

I have to pick up Ryno from school at three and go to work at five. But…

I get to woop it up all over tomorrow, ‘cause on Friday, I’m home alone again.

Cheers!!

Winter Wonderland or a Nightmare for Pizza Bill?

I woke up at 3:30 this morning…in part because I had to pee, but mainly due to the fact that I passed out went to sleep so early last night.

I betcha I was fast asleep on Kelly by 8:30 last night. It’s actually kinda nice getting up so early.

The only sounds at 3:30 in the morning are from Corky purring as she nestles down to sleep on the arm of Kelly, the coffee maker brewing, and the brisk winter winds blowing outside my window.

Ahhhhhhhh.

Of course those winds a blowin’ will not be so kind to my friend and fellow Beer Mine worker, Pizza Bill today and tonight. Nooooo siree-bob.

It’s only going to be 19 degrees today with 25-30 mph winds, turning the Drive-Thru into an arctic wind tunnel and turning Pizza Bill into a Marlboro and Pepperoni flavored popsicle.

Woe is Bill, but as I am off today what can I do except feel his pain from afar as I drink beer within the confines of the warm, windless Bagwine digs?

I actually do feel bad for the guy because I know what he will be going through.

He will step outside to take an order and some dope will spend five minutes asking the price of each and every brand of beer before settling on a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and a Snickers bar.

Meanwhile, Bill has been standing there turning blue, as his nuts shrivel to the size of raisins and recede up into his asshole searching for warmth.

But being the professional that he is, Bill will get the dumb fuck’s valued patron’s order and bring it to him saying cheerfully, “That’ll be $2.38, sir.”

To which the customer will quickly hand Bill two dollars, and then spend five more minutes searching through his console and seat saying to Bill:

“Hold on, I know have 38 cents in here somewhere.”

Only because of his love and loyalty to Drive-By Mikey will Bill press on with his duties as the frozen layers of skin peel from his bones and shatter like glass upon the cold, hard floor.

Pizza Bill, my good man…my thoughts and those of every other reader are with you today. May that fact, help to fight off the chill and keep you warm within the cockles of your soul. As for me?

This cold air and the light dusting of snow that we received reminded me of a Bagwine Christmas Classic that I wrote and recorded back in 2007. Enjoy with me, my take on the song, “Winter Wonderland.”

I hope you liked that. I was going to re-record it in order to improve the video quality (I didn’t know how back then) and to show off my new 174 pound physique which makes me look utterly emaciated buff, but how could I improve on the look of Schmoop’s robe?

Have a wonderful day everyone, and remember…

Somewhere in Bagwine, Ohio there is a frozen Beer Mine worker who needs your thoughts and prayers.

Cheers!!

Awakenings

I woke up at 3:45 A.M. today and couldn’t go back to sleep.

I like very early morning rises. No noise from the traffic outside. Schmoop is in the bedroom snoring softly. And…

As soon as I sit down to my computer, my cat, Corky comes out from wherever she was sleeping, hops upon the arm of Kelly, and lays there while I type.

It never fails. If I type a post at night or in the morning, my faithful feline companion is at my side.



And so it is this morning…Anyhoo…

I woke up early today for two reasons. Number one…

I had to pee…alot. It was an Austin Powers, newly unfrozen type of de-urine-piss-a-fication. I bet I woke the neighbors.

The second reason I awoke was because as I was battling between consciousness and slumber, I had a great idea related to the breakfast cereal industry.

I came up with a type of cereal that will open up a new market in the industry.

Cereal today is marketed to kids who enjoy prizes and sugary goodness. It’s marketed to old folks who feel the need to have powerful bowel movements.

And, to women of all ages who are actually concerned about what goes into their bodies.

As I was awoke, I figured, hey, who is selling cereal to men 18-55? No one.

Men 18-55, for the most part, have moved beyond the sugar and prizes. They couldn’t care less if they shit or not, and unlike women, they don’t give a damn what goes into their bodies.

So, I think that the vast, male 18-55 market is all mine. So what kind of cereal will I develop?

This cereal right here my friends…

That’s right, bitches. Vagina Charms. Each piece will look like a tiny hoo-ha. And best of all, they will be dripping with milk.

What kind of guy wouldn’t like to wake up to a bowl full of wet va-jay-jay? Okay, gay guys, but other than that, I mean, c’mon.

Yes guys, this cereal is not just simply delicious…It’s Labia-Licious!!

And guys, when you buy it and your buddy asks if you can share, you tell him, “No way dude, eat your own box.”

Also, if your wife or girlfriend gives you any crap about buying it, just remind her that eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Oh yeah, I think I’m on to something. Yum-Oh!!

Enjoy your Friday and your weekend all. And don’t forget…

Vagina…It’s What’s for Breakfast!!

Cheers!!

Hodgepodgical Friday

Ahhhhhhhhh. Friday.

As my days off are Wed-Fri., it’s not a huge deal to me, but just the fact that it’s Friday, makes a person feel better.

The snow has ended and only the cold and wind remain in Bagwine, Ohio.

With Schmoop being home with me the last couple of days, boy have we been partying.

I gave up the ghost early last night after we whooped it up for roughly 36 hours.

I had two ginormous cheeseburgers with fries and fell asleep last night at around 8:30 as I was watching Hogan’s Heroes.

I did not arise until 6:15 this morning. Mmmmmm a little over nine hours of uninterrupted sleep.

The only dream that I had was about me getting it on in the guard tower with Colonel Klink’s secretary…

Ach du Lieber, Helga!!!

As I typically only sleep 4-5 hours a night, this was quite welcome.

However, when I woke up, I discovered something. Even though it is butt ass cold here it is time to have my noggn’ shaved again.

Why so, you ask?

I always have it shaved at the point that when I wake up and get off of Kelly in the morning I actually have enough hair on my head to be messed up after a night’s sleep.

So I have requested my personal stylist, Schmoop’s brother David, to bring ‘round the clippers and give my skull that freshly shorn look.

I’ll have him to do it sometime between now and my birthday. And speaking of hair…

After taking that bed head picture of myself, I shaved off the beard. I am back to sporting only my uber cool goatee.

There was good reason to shave the beard off. First, it was starting to bug me. I am just not used to having a full beard.

More importantly, one of my customers came through the other night and said I look sexier with just the goat.

Who am I to question what the customer wants? Especially when said customer has beautiful blonde hair, killer eyes, and a helluva rack.

Upon hearing the customer's statement, Seamus and I, said to each other…Shave It!!

Well there you have it. I’ll be making the blog rounds today.

Since the fridge is stocked, Schmoop is raggin’, and I have to stay sober in order to take Ryno to and from school, today is a good day to relax and visit all of my buddies.

Have a wonderful Friday, and crank up the cliché machine, because it’s Super Bowl Weekend.

More on that tomorrow. Drink up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Forgiveness

It’s a cloudy and blustery Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

The temp will struggle to make it to 42 degrees today. Brrrr.

Meeting the party needs of my customers from 11-7 today will be a chilly venture. Fortunately, I will be kept warm by the unconditional love offered to me by the Holy Baby Jeebus, and a new pair of thermal underwear.

Today’s service is about sin and redemption…

I want to admit something to you all today. Schmoop asked me not to post about this, but I feel that I need to.

Last night I cheated on the love of my life. I was drunk and failed to think about the consequences of my actions.

I put in jeopardy the love, friendship, and trust the two of us had built over the past eight years. For that, I am truly sorry.

For hours, I laid in sin with another, and this morning…

All I have is guilt, remorse, and self-loathing. Besides asking for God’s forgiveness, I want to publicly ask for the forgiveness of my one true love.

Kelly…I am sorry.



I slept here last night. And I am deeply sorry. I hope you can forgive me.


Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sabbath, all. I am going to be freezing my boys off and suffering from major shrinkage.

Cheers!!

Help Me Kelly, I'm Feelin' Green

Hi Kids…

See that picture on the right there?

That is our couch/my bed. That is where I sleep, eat, and watch TV.

I call her, “Kelly”…I love Kelly.

She comforts me while I slumber or enjoy a cup of hot coffee while watching the morning news.

She’s a good, good, woman. Today, I need her more than usual.

After managing to escape this past winter and spring without the flu or even much of a cold, I have been stricken by a virulent cold virus.

I think I picked it up while hanging out Saturday with an incredibly adorable 13 year old boy. My son, you perverts, my son!! Jeez.

Little did I know that while we laughed, tossed the football, and sat together watching ESPN, he was also conducting a full-frontal germ warfare attack upon me.

He’s fine now…I feel like crap. And not just any kind of crap…

The kind of crap one might experience after a night of consuming Vienna Sausages, corned beef hash, jalapeno poppers, and cheap Tequila…

Served together in a bowl full of Dick Cheney’s man juices gleaned from his Vice-Presidential prick as he watched Apocalypse Now.

Yeah, that’s exactly the type of crap that I feel like. Not good.

So, have a good day, and I will respond and cruise the internets as best I can, but for the most part I will be laying on top of Kelly...

At least until, I go to pick up my adorable virus factory from school. After that, I am going to drag my ass to work tonight.

If you feel compelled to do so, and you have even the slightest concern for my well-being, send me some soup; soup would be nice. Or, a nice, cozy tit shot of yourself. I like tits.

Until, well…um, until whenever…

Cheers!!