Editor's Note: Due to the lukewarm response of Schmoop's post yesterday, we have sent Matt-Man packing on vacation. Enjoy some more of Schmoop...
So, last year I decided to buy a new fan. The one we had finally went kaput, so I got one.
On a trip to Wallyworld in the summer of 2008 I found the one for me..
My brother bought a sterling, very quiet, lots of air, circulation fan.
I, on the other hand, bought a compact, piece of shit, old man who smokes three packs a day, can barely get the air out of his mouth fan.
I am not fucking kidding….unless you were two inches from this particular fan, there was no way in hell it was going to mechanically spit out any air on your face.
Just because this was the only fan that WASN’T on display at the time, and my brother David picked up a fan that was on display and pumping out the air like Rosie O’Donnell blowing coney dog farts…
I bought the goddamn thing anyway…
Can you say, FORESHADOWING….
Okay so, I got this fan home, I gave it to Matt, and he looked at me like I had five heads.
He began to assemble said fan and it was then that my stomach began to feel queasy like the way James Brolin feels like prior to being ordered to go down on Babs’ pussy.
Anyhoo…said fan didn’t work out. It blew less air than Steven Hawking on albuterol.
But, I tell you my friends…
Today, Ladies, and Gentlemen….I bought a NEW fan.
So, last year I decided to buy a new fan. The one we had finally went kaput, so I got one.
On a trip to Wallyworld in the summer of 2008 I found the one for me..
My brother bought a sterling, very quiet, lots of air, circulation fan.
I, on the other hand, bought a compact, piece of shit, old man who smokes three packs a day, can barely get the air out of his mouth fan.
I am not fucking kidding….unless you were two inches from this particular fan, there was no way in hell it was going to mechanically spit out any air on your face.
Just because this was the only fan that WASN’T on display at the time, and my brother David picked up a fan that was on display and pumping out the air like Rosie O’Donnell blowing coney dog farts…
I bought the goddamn thing anyway…
Can you say, FORESHADOWING….
Okay so, I got this fan home, I gave it to Matt, and he looked at me like I had five heads.
He began to assemble said fan and it was then that my stomach began to feel queasy like the way James Brolin feels like prior to being ordered to go down on Babs’ pussy.
Anyhoo…said fan didn’t work out. It blew less air than Steven Hawking on albuterol.
But, I tell you my friends…Today, Ladies, and Gentlemen….I bought a NEW fan.
And Bitches, this baby oscillates…and it’s chrome, and it is loooooooovely.
However…
It’s tooo loud, and toooo big. I was told by the dickhead big guy not to buy a fan; he would do it.
What was I supposed to do??? It was cheap, inexpensive !!
I ask you Ladies, and Gentlemen….What would you have done!!
I ask you Ladies, and Gentlemen….What would you have done!!
Thank You and Come Again...
Zoves,
Schmoop
