I am all a-twitter….and, I have been thinking of late.
If I could get each and everyone of you a present, what would it be?
And thus, those thoughts have given birth to a new seasonal segment here at Bagwine Ruminations…
Isn’t our little tree cute? Over the next few weeks, I am going to let you guys know (a few at a time) what I would get you if I could.
Today I am bestowing gifts upon Starr, Vinny, and a special, relatively new member of the Bagwine family.
Now Starr and I are both Aquarians, sarcastic and damn near like brother and sister. I however, want to be more than just brother and sister with her.
I want to be brother and sister with her like siblings are in a backwoods holler of Kentucky. I am giving her a week long, incest-filled vacation with me this summer.
We will drink moonshine, swap some tobacco spit, and then get naked, hot, and familial all over each other.
Hey with any luck, our steamy, clan-copulation will produce a nephew/son.
Her kid and mine will be thrilled when we say to them: Kidlet…Ryno…Meet your new half-step-brother-cousin-in-law. Yee Haw.
And since we should consummate this most generous gift IN Kentucky, where better to stay than here:
Damn straight…Big Bone Lick State Park. Merry Christmas, Sister-Lover!!
And now, for my fellow communist sympathizer and oily Italian friend Vinny. You have a nice life, a good looking girlfriend, and a good kid.
What can I give you that you don’t already have?
Oh I know…how about some of my personality!?
It would be great. People would begin to like you more. You’d be funnier, and it would be like having a part of me inside of you.
And Vinny…We ALL know that you have been hungering for that for a couple of years now. To have me, inside of you.
Here's to you, buddy. I give of myself to you, because you’re just that awesome…and now, you’ll be even more awesome. Buon Natale my friend, Buon Natale!!
Lastly for this initial edition, in the spirit of Christmas, and because my heart is so damn big, I am going to give something to a man who loathes me.
Where are ya Hoot Gibson? I got something for you, sport.
Now Hoot has attacked me and Vinny on a few occasions. Hoot is an evangelical, Muslim hating, rapture ready right winger.
But, I want to let him know that in honor of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I come to him bearing a gift.
Hoot, it’s obvious that you haven’t been laid in quite awhile. Both your mind and your swollen prostate need cleaned out. I feel for ya pal, and I want to remedy that.
So, I am giving you a sexy woman and a towel.
Why a towel?
Well, because this is the sexy woman…
She’s hot, and she’s a Muslim.
You being such a hater of Islam and yet so damn horny, there is going to be one cataclysmic battle going on between your wanker and your twisted soul.
Once your head explodes due to your conundrum my friend, there is going to be a mess of apocalyptic proportions to clean up. Use that towel, pal.
Happy Baby Jeebus Day, Hoot.
And to all of you…
Cheers!!
