Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Reaping Riches

It is going to be a warm (47 F) and partly sunny Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

So, working in the beer mines from 11-7 today won’t be too awful.

I do have a bit of a Birthday hangover, but all in all I feel fantastic.

Here’s the thing…

Of late, I have been tied up with things involving Ryno but those things seem to be clearing up. (Although I am helping him with a Science Project this week.)

I still have a tax issue to resolve for Schmoop. (Nothing major just a filing hang up, but annoying nonetheless.)

So because of all of this, I haven’t been around like I usually am. I don’t like that. It’s not my nature.

Schmoop will tell ya, I like you guys far more than most people I interact with here in Bagwine.

Anyhoo, I will be able to rectify that after this upcoming week. My schedule and headaches should be over with by then.

Here’s the message I am preaching on this Sunday…Thank You.

I believe it was Friday. Schmoop and I were talking about her cut in hours and finding a new job. She said half jokingly, yet in a nervous type of manner:

Damn, we’re poor.

I told her that we are not poor. We are broke. There’s a difference.

Poor means you have nothing, including skills, friends, a place to live…no hope.

We have those things. We just don’t have a lot of money. We aren’t poor; we are simply broke.

Based upon the comments you have left over the last couple of days, the posts, the phone calls and emails I received, and the material generosity of some in my life…

These acts of kindness revolving around my Birthday prove the fact, that we are not poor. In some ways, we are quite rich.

I will get around to thanking you all personally, but in the meantime...

I want to thank Schmoop’s brother David, my brother Matre’ and his wife, and of course, Schmoop.

Schmoop, last night was fuckin’ incredible, and girl? You claim to have a hemorrhoid, but try as I did, I couldn’t find it. ; )~~

Thank you all, and now if you will, help me spread the wealth of kindness.

Acerbic, sarcastic, smokin’ hot Bagwine reader and fellow blogger Starr, turns 40 today. This chick never fails to make me laugh, and the world is better because she is in it.

Please stop by her site by clicking HERE, and wish her a very happy entrance into her fourth decade of life.

I love ya Starr…And hopefully, one day you and Schmoop will allow me to show you just how much. Happy Birthday.

And now, in honor of Starr’s B-Day, a song…She’s a HUGE U2 fan so playing a song by them would be too obvious.

I chose this song by Green Day instead. Why?

Because I can hear Starr saying every one of these lyrics to any asshole she comes across in her life. Enjoy!!

Cheers!!

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree: Incest, Injections, and Infidels

Christmas is but a mere thirty some days away.

I am all a-twitter….and, I have been thinking of late.

If I could get each and everyone of you a present, what would it be?

And thus, those thoughts have given birth to a new seasonal segment here at Bagwine Ruminations…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree.

Isn’t our little tree cute? Over the next few weeks, I am going to let you guys know (a few at a time) what I would get you if I could.

Today I am bestowing gifts upon Starr, Vinny, and a special, relatively new member of the Bagwine family.

Now Starr and I are both Aquarians, sarcastic and damn near like brother and sister. I however, want to be more than just brother and sister with her.

I want to be brother and sister with her like siblings are in a backwoods holler of Kentucky. I am giving her a week long, incest-filled vacation with me this summer.

We will drink moonshine, swap some tobacco spit, and then get naked, hot, and familial all over each other.

Hey with any luck, our steamy, clan-copulation will produce a nephew/son.

Her kid and mine will be thrilled when we say to them: Kidlet…Ryno…Meet your new half-step-brother-cousin-in-law. Yee Haw.

And since we should consummate this most generous gift IN Kentucky, where better to stay than here:

Damn straight…Big Bone Lick State Park. Merry Christmas, Sister-Lover!!

And now, for my fellow communist sympathizer and oily Italian friend Vinny. You have a nice life, a good looking girlfriend, and a good kid.

What can I give you that you don’t already have?

Oh I know…how about some of my personality!?

It would be great. People would begin to like you more. You’d be funnier, and it would be like having a part of me inside of you.

And Vinny…We ALL know that you have been hungering for that for a couple of years now. To have me, inside of you.


Here's to you, buddy. I give of myself to you, because you’re just that awesome…and now, you’ll be even more awesome. Buon Natale my friend, Buon Natale!!

Lastly for this initial edition, in the spirit of Christmas, and because my heart is so damn big, I am going to give something to a man who loathes me.

Where are ya Hoot Gibson? I got something for you, sport.

Now Hoot has attacked me and Vinny on a few occasions. Hoot is an evangelical, Muslim hating, rapture ready right winger.

But, I want to let him know that in honor of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I come to him bearing a gift.

Hoot, it’s obvious that you haven’t been laid in quite awhile. Both your mind and your swollen prostate need cleaned out. I feel for ya pal, and I want to remedy that.

So, I am giving you a sexy woman and a towel.

Why a towel?

Well, because this is the sexy woman…

She’s hot, and she’s a Muslim.

You being such a hater of Islam and yet so damn horny, there is going to be one cataclysmic battle going on between your wanker and your twisted soul.

Once your head explodes due to your conundrum my friend, there is going to be a mess of apocalyptic proportions to clean up. Use that towel, pal.

Happy Baby Jeebus Day, Hoot.

And to all of you…

Cheers!!

Mohammed: Prophet of Punchlines

As promised, I am posting some Muslim humor today. However, the humor isn’t actually mine.

Allah’s prophet, Mohammed, stopped by last night, in quite the fortuitous moment, and we chatted.

The Mohammed-Man is embarking upon a tour of the U.S. in order to instill good will among those idiots folks who think all Muslims are evil.

His choice of good will tactic?

Stand-Up Comedy…although he kneels on a prayer rug as he does it.

So Ladies and Gents, Bagwine Ruminations welcomes, the Prophet Mohammed!! Take it away my good man.

Thank you very much Matt-Man. Oh my goodness gracious, I am very wonderful to be here…

Folks, I just flew in from Baghdad, and boy is my carpet dirty. Baghdad isn’t too bad of a place. I’ve been worse places…

For Allah’s sake, I spent a week in Mecca one night. Bada bin-Bing!!

Knock-Knock…Who’s there?

Allah…Allah Who?

Allahst the combination to the lock on my weapons cache, and can’t blow anyone up!!

Ha. How many of you are from out of village? I am from out of village.

In fact, I was at airport a few minutes ago when a Muslim guy came up to me and said, “Hey Mohammed, that’s a sexy virgin ya got there.”

I said, “That’s no virgin; that’s my wife!!”

I find myself bathed in the goat’s milk of hilariousness, and if this takes off, I may try a movie career.

My new curvy, American friend Starrlight suggested a couple of good Muslim-Themed cinematic offerings:

I could star with that Jew boy Billy Crystal in a movie called, “Throw Mullah From the Train.”

Or, I could hook up with Stephen King in an Islamic horror movie titled, “Children of the Koran.”

I was thinking maybe I could do a film about the 1981 Israeli sneak attack on the Iraqi nuclear reactor and call it, “Torah, Torah, Torah.” Bada bin-Bing!!

Then, I thought that I could very much capitalize by doing an Islamic pornographic martial arts movie named, “Crouching Virgin, Hidden Falafel.”

Unfortunately, I really don’t have the face for the very large screen…

In fact, I was so ugly when born, that the Doctor slapped my mother…And then they stoned her to death!!

I was so ugly when young, that they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

The dog finally played with me, ate the pork chop, and then they killed puppy for violating Islamic food Law. Bada bin-Bing!!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Imam walk into a bar. The Priest orders whiskey; the Rabbi orders wine; and the Imam orders their beheading!!

I never understood the Ottoman Empire. No wonder it collapsed; it was based upon a foot stool. Ha!!

Before I go, I want to thank my brother Ahmed for helping to finance my good will tour. Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…

He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!

Thank you for your time…Tip your scantily clad infidel waitress, and Praise Jeebus!!!

Ha, just kidding.

Cheers!!