Death Cloaks and Birthday Cakes

What day is it? Well, let me tell ya. It’s a BIG day here at Bagwine Ruminations.

It’s an anniversary of sorts.

You see…On June 16th, 2006, my mom passed on.

After being married to one man, birthing nine kids, cooking innumerable pounds of meat loaf, and living nearly 85 years, mom left this earth to be with her husband and oldest son in that great Dutch Oven in the sky.

I miss the old lady. But, she was ready to go at that point; she wanted to go, and so, it’s for the best.

Mom and I were pretty close. I was her baby, and for a long time after most of the older kids had moved out, it was just her and I.

Dad didn’t give a crap about mom and I…he left us to fend for ourselves. Ha, kidding, he was at work during the day, so that’s why it was just Mom and I.

She drove me to all of my baseball practices…sat amidst a bunch of whiny parents and watched every game. She even bought me a "diamond" stud earring to wear during my High School graduation.

It’s the one I still wear to this day. Some folks, after losing their mom, will say that she is, and always will be in their heart. My mom is and always will be, in my left earlobe.

With nine kids and only my dad being the one working...feeding, clothing, and taking care of us was rough on Mom.

Somehow, she managed to do it. We never missed out on anything. We never went without anything that we absolutely needed.

Mom was an ardent Catholic and yet, hated the hierarchy of the Church. She loved playing cards, drinking a cold Bock beer, and politics.

With a son who was a city commissioner and later a State Senator, and another who was also a city commissioner, she always had her hand in politics.

And trust me, just as she did while playing cards, when she was involved in a campaign, she loved to win.

She was sweet, humorous, sentimental, and at the same tough as nails and resourceful.

I am glad my mom is gone. Because…that is what she wanted. And, she is back in the arms of her lifelong love, my dad.

To want any less for her would be selfish of me, and that is a characteristic she never had.

Here’s to you Mom, and if you don’t mind I’d like to mention one other anniversary.

Longtime Bagwine friend and an Italian man of questionable sexual orientation, Vinny, of Bond’s Big Leather Couch is celebrating his birthday today.

Leave it to Vinny to try and steal the thunder and attention away from my sweet, dead mom. So typical.

Ha…My mom probably just laughed and said what she always said to me, “Matt, why do you have to always see how far you can push people?”

Anyhoo…If you’d like to wish him well, you can stop by his site by clicking HERE.

Happy Birthday Vinny, and keep in mind…while you are celebrating and wearing a big ol’ happy hat, I’ll be sitting in the dark, wrapped in a death cloak, and mourning the loss of my dear departed mother.

While Vinny is cutting cake, I’ll be crying in my Bagwine and I…Okay Mom, I heard ya…I’ll shut up now, and leave Vinny alone.

Cheers!!

Memorial Day 2009: Black Dresses and Bloody Beaches

Here’s to Memorial Day…

I say, “Here’s to” Memorial Day because I just don’t think the word, “Happy” is quite the description that fits this Holiday.

Unless of course, you are all giddy about picking up a “black BCBG dress – beautiful detailing, light-weight silk for summer, and marked down from $158 to $79...” at the incredibly solemn, Macy’s Memorial Day Sale!!

If that’s the case…be as happy as you want on this day.

Anyhoo, to wit, and heretofore…(I dig saying that.)

I offer to you, a simple Memorial Day post today, along with the hopes that you enjoy the day and enjoy it safely.

My dad served in the U.S. Navy from 1942-1945. He served aboard a munitions ship in the Pacific. He served with honor and distinction…as did so many others during World War II.

In spite of all of the death and destruction that occurred during the Big One, my dad had a somewhat funny tie to the war.

While on a short leave, he married my mom. The date? August 6, 1945. Uh-Huh…The day that we dropped the bomb on Hiroshima.

His leave was made permanent, and their marriage lasted through nine kids, and 53 years until his death in 1998.

Here’s a picture of Jack and Mary Anne from that era…

My dad saw many things during the war that stuck with him and which he ultimately wrote about in his poetry.

One of the bloodiest battles he was engaged in, was the Battle of Tarawa. He wrote the following poem, Tarawa, and it appeared in his second book, “Credo”.

Tarawa
misbegotten
pin-point in history;
what angry god
was mid-wife to your birth;
what ancient sun
saw you rise
from the ocean floor?

Decades ago,
on a blood red sea,
I watched
as you were ravished
and stripped naked
and in return,
you became a parched grave
for five thousand men.

Never for them
the solace of the rich earth.
nor the kiss of Spring;
only the sharp coral, and the eternal sun.

Do you hate them still?

--JJM ©1981

Here’s to your safe enjoyment of Memorial Day, and to Vinny and Jay, I hope you both find sexy dresses that scream, “Look at me guys!!” when you go to Macy’s today.

Cheers!!

Political Correctness Is Sooooo Gay!!

Yesterday I discussed the use of the word, “retarded” and the offense and outrage it causes to some.

Today…?

I’ll discuss the use of the word, “gay”. As in, “Man, that is sooooo gay.” or “Dude, you are sooooo gay.”

Or even more so, “Your AMC Pacer is sooooo fucking gay!!”

I guess the use of the word “gay” in those contexts are, much like the word “retarded”, offensive to some people.

Let me tell you all…

It isn’t offensive to me.

In fact, I am just taking back the word from those tube steak lovin’ guys and rug chewin’ chicks who hijacked a word that used to have such a pleasant meaning.

Gay used to mean…happy, joyful, merry. The homosexuals hijacked the word, and applied it to their, Affront-to-GAWD Almighty behavior and lifestyle.

I don’t recall happy, joyful, merry people crying into their champagne coolies when the definition of the word changed, unlike the gay folks do today when their definition is used in a "hurtful" way.

Suck it up, girlie men and manly girls, at least no one is calling you retarded. Well…

Unless you’re Perez Hilton, because in addition to being one, gay, bitter pud-humper, he is incredibly retarded as well.

In spite of the scowls of others, I use the word, “gay”, in the context of silly, stupid, or childish.

Now seriously, is my meaning and use of the word closer to the original meaning, or the meaning used by members of the “gay” community?

Another thing I truly dislike about the anti-gay word use are the public service announcements that are running.

Hell, Hillary Duff (purrrrrrrrrrrrr) does an “anti-that is so gay” use ad. I guess she hates me now.

That’s too bad because, I find her and her sister kinda hot. Ha. Kidding. I’m not into young chicks.

In fact, if a chick is younger than 22, I don’t care how smokin’ hot she is, I won’t imagine her naked.

Okay, who am I kidding? If she’s younger than 14, I don’t care how smokin’ hot she is, I won’t imagine her naked.

But I digress…Here’s my point, Bitches…

There is a frequent commenter and Bagwine friend Vinny (Italian descent), whom I call a “Dago” from time to time.

Of course, looking at that cute picture of him, I should probably call him a “Gaygo”…anyhoo…

He will call me a Mick or a drunken Irishman from time to time. We mean nothing hurtful by it, because we know how each other's truly feels about the other.

(Of course, given our feelings, that begs the question: Why aren’t we simply calling each other, “asshole?”)

Additionally, meanings of words change…they evolve and morph into different meanings over time. It’s not a big deal; it happens. So folks, suck it up.

We will all, over our lives, say hurtful things, and “politically incorrect” things, but I don’t care much for political correctness.

I am much more concerned as to the context and tenor in which a word or phrase is used, and more importantly…

About the “human correctness” and actions of another, not necessarily a frowned upon word or phrase they may use.

Cheers!!

Taking the Good with the Bad

I was in a bit of an odd mood yesterday. Just thinking about things…you know.

Lately I have been thinking about people I know from the internets and trying to figure them out.

It didn’t put me in a bad mood; it was more a mood of puzzlement. It all started Tuesday with the following e-mail that I received:

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 8:20 AM
From:
"Nicole Reynolds" Add sender to Contacts
To:
neshobadude@yahoo.com

Do you wonder why I think you're a gross creep?
Do you remember a girl named Jill? She's a friend of mine.

She tells me that you hurt her big time a few years ago. I know how she can be so I started reading you.

I thought you were funny at first but I can see that she was right. You're a jerk.

Live with THAT funny guy. I'll be around for her.

Nicole

And the e-mail prompted me to visit this crazy person’s Nicole’s site. And what did I find?

Well, click HERE and look for yourselves.

Man…So much hatred directed at me of late by her and others. It makes me wanna cry and become angry.

Okay…laugh and become amused, but hey, it’s still an emotion, right? People...

The day did end on a high note, however.

Ryno received his Interim Report Card yesterday. He has 4 A’s, 1 B, and nearly a B in Algebra.

I was very happy, even with the 83 average in Algebra because math has always been hard for him.

And, coinciding with his good report, I received something in the mail from longtime Bagwine buddy, Vinny.

Vinny of Bond’s Big Leather Couch, sent a CD of 12 WWE entrance themes for Ryno. I shall give it to him tomorrow.

Who knew a dago could be so damn nice? Here’s to ya Vin, and thanks much. That was very thoughtful.

I guess people overall, are a damn good lot of folks.

One last item for today…

I weighed and took a picture of myself this morning…

Sexy, no? Okay, no…but it’s for archival purposes. I start this Lent at 6’ 187 lbs.

I hope to lose several inches from my body and come Easter, stand only 5'7". Bada Bing.

But seriously,

Let’s see how much weight Jeebus and I can shed from my body prior to his resurrection.

After all, on most days I will eat one meal only and it will have but a couple of grams of fat if any and other than any alcohol I consume, my caloric intake will be only 500-700 per day.

Sacrifice, baby!!

Tonight in honor of Vinny, I am going to dine on a can of Minestrone soup.

Buon Alimento, and…

Cheers!!

Pinky and Lola: The Hope of Christmas

As I was making Christmas cards yesterday, I began to think why didn’t I just fuckin’ buy a box of cards about those who visit my site.

Most of you are at least liberal leaning, but some are more to the right.

Some of you are religious, while others would like to stick Baby Jeebus in the eye with a hot poker.

Since this is the Christmas season, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank all of you, but also give a special shout out to those readers who happen to be gay or bisexual.

I have been blessed to have a diverse readership that includes gay men, hot lesbians, and those real freaks of society, Canadians.

I myself, have never hid the fact that I would like to have a sex change and become a lesbian porn star, but alas, that is a pipedream.

I do however, continue my research on the subject by watching hot chick on chick action on a daily basis via pay-per-view cable and the internets.

Anyhoo…This isn’t about me. It’s about a sassy part of our Bagwine Ruminations family.

For instance…

Real Live Lesbian stops by here and comments on occasion.

She’s smart, sexy, funny, and if you check out her blog you will find that she writes really well too.

Every time that she leaves a comment on my site, it adds a much needed and appreciated touch of class to the drivel that I post.

I dig her, as do many others in Bloglandia. Here’s to ya RLL, and Merry Christmas.

And then, there’s Vinny. His blog is, Bond’s Big Leather Couch. I know, some of you saying, “But Matt-Man…Bond isn’t gay. Not that there‘s anything wrong with that.”

Ha. C’mon folks…Helllloooo. He’s had an obvious crush on me for nearly two years. It’s embarrassing.

No, not the fact that a guy finds me hot, that’s flattering, but Vinny does it in such gratuitous fashion.

His pursuit of me, however, is more than deep-seated lust; it is a cry for help. I think he’s looking for the key that will unlock his closet door and set him free.

But, fear holds him back from leaving his closet, sashaying over to his couch, and plopping down next to me.

He is living a lie, and it pains me. He has a son. He has a girlfriend named Nancy. He claims to like football. Stop it Vin.

Quit hiding behind Darlin’ Nancy’s skirt and start wearing one. I bet you have the legs for it my good…um…man.

Vinny, in addition to celebrating the birth of Jeebus in a couple of weeks, allow us to celebrate the death of Vincent, and the birth of Edna St. Vincent Bond.

I hope you make this Christmas wish come true for me, and more importantly for yourself and those who truly love you.

Now, I am off to make more frickin’ cards, but before I go, in all seriousness, remember this…

Christmas is more than presents and the celebration of a religious figure.

It is all about peace, love, and understanding.

And more importantly...

It is about the hope that someday, no matter who or what we are, we shall share and experience all three of those things with others and within ourselves.

Cheers!!

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree: Incest, Injections, and Infidels

Christmas is but a mere thirty some days away.

I am all a-twitter….and, I have been thinking of late.

If I could get each and everyone of you a present, what would it be?

And thus, those thoughts have given birth to a new seasonal segment here at Bagwine Ruminations…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree.

Isn’t our little tree cute? Over the next few weeks, I am going to let you guys know (a few at a time) what I would get you if I could.

Today I am bestowing gifts upon Starr, Vinny, and a special, relatively new member of the Bagwine family.

Now Starr and I are both Aquarians, sarcastic and damn near like brother and sister. I however, want to be more than just brother and sister with her.

I want to be brother and sister with her like siblings are in a backwoods holler of Kentucky. I am giving her a week long, incest-filled vacation with me this summer.

We will drink moonshine, swap some tobacco spit, and then get naked, hot, and familial all over each other.

Hey with any luck, our steamy, clan-copulation will produce a nephew/son.

Her kid and mine will be thrilled when we say to them: Kidlet…Ryno…Meet your new half-step-brother-cousin-in-law. Yee Haw.

And since we should consummate this most generous gift IN Kentucky, where better to stay than here:

Damn straight…Big Bone Lick State Park. Merry Christmas, Sister-Lover!!

And now, for my fellow communist sympathizer and oily Italian friend Vinny. You have a nice life, a good looking girlfriend, and a good kid.

What can I give you that you don’t already have?

Oh I know…how about some of my personality!?

It would be great. People would begin to like you more. You’d be funnier, and it would be like having a part of me inside of you.

And Vinny…We ALL know that you have been hungering for that for a couple of years now. To have me, inside of you.


Here's to you, buddy. I give of myself to you, because you’re just that awesome…and now, you’ll be even more awesome. Buon Natale my friend, Buon Natale!!

Lastly for this initial edition, in the spirit of Christmas, and because my heart is so damn big, I am going to give something to a man who loathes me.

Where are ya Hoot Gibson? I got something for you, sport.

Now Hoot has attacked me and Vinny on a few occasions. Hoot is an evangelical, Muslim hating, rapture ready right winger.

But, I want to let him know that in honor of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I come to him bearing a gift.

Hoot, it’s obvious that you haven’t been laid in quite awhile. Both your mind and your swollen prostate need cleaned out. I feel for ya pal, and I want to remedy that.

So, I am giving you a sexy woman and a towel.

Why a towel?

Well, because this is the sexy woman…

She’s hot, and she’s a Muslim.

You being such a hater of Islam and yet so damn horny, there is going to be one cataclysmic battle going on between your wanker and your twisted soul.

Once your head explodes due to your conundrum my friend, there is going to be a mess of apocalyptic proportions to clean up. Use that towel, pal.

Happy Baby Jeebus Day, Hoot.

And to all of you…

Cheers!!

Yo Vinny...I Just Heard a Hoot!!

Yowza…This Presidential election is really heating up and igniting a fire under some folks.

I predicted a couple of weeks ago that it was a distinct possibility that Johnny Mac’s head may explode into a puddle of anger goo by November 4.

Little did I know that there may be many other heads doing the same.

I tell ya, come November 5th, if Obama wins, wear your hip-waders to work, ‘cause the streets and sidewalks will be a sea of gooey brain muck. Ick.

An example of this frenzy was introduced to me through reading longtime Bagwine fave Vinny of, Bond’s Big Leather Couch.

Seems Vin didn’t appreciate the fringe right hate speech taking place on Sarge Charlie’s blog, and so, staying true to himself, The Vin-Meister deleted Sarge Charlie’s site from his blog roll.

Vin, Vin, Vin…c’mon man. What’s a little hate speech amongst friends?

I did some investigating to see what precipitated this action. Mainly because, I love to fan the flames of incendiary situations find the truth.

Now, ol’ Charlie is a Vietnam vet, right wing ideologue, and rabid McCain supporter.

Over the last couple of days, his posts have trashed Obama, Biden, Colin Powell, and anyone who doesn’t think the way Charlie does.

Well that’s cool…

I mean it’s his blog and he’s damn well entitled to say whatever the hell he wants. I guess Vinny was simply not kosher with the tone and tenor of the attacks by Charlie and some of those who commented.

Things like…Powell is an Uncle Tom. A vote for Obama is a vote for Al-Qaida. Blah, blah Bill Ayres…Blah, blah Powell is a Liberal. Hmmm, yeah Powell is wayyyyyy on the left.

The overriding tone was that Obama is a Muslim-Lovin’ idiot and if you vote for him you are Un-American, and well, an idiot.

Another good comment I recently came across was a comment that said that Sarah “The Vice-President is in Charge of the Senate” Palin is a much better choice than Joe “As Soon as I get my Foot Out of my Mouth, I’m Gonna Stick it Up Your Ass” Biden.

Now that’s funny…The comment, not the nicknames.

In spite of the hyperbolic, satirical offerings that I pen, I love political discourse. It’s one of the things in life I enjoy most. I live to debate, to foster dialogue, and I revel in the back and forth…

Especially when it’s intelligent. Much of what Vinny read, in my opinion, was not intelligent at all.

One blogger who was making comments on Charlie’s blog, and later commented on my Monday post is named, Hoot Gibson.

His name is perfect, because he is indeed, a hoot. I hate to say it, but the guy is much funnier than I am.

Although, I am guessing his humor is unintentional. Hoot authors the blog, American Babylon.

Now good ol’ Hoot, wants to set off a nuclear bomb in Mosul, and then do the same in Iran. He calls all Muslims, “non bathing sonsabitches”. He calls Vinny and I, “Communist sissies.”

I find his stereotypical, let’s bomb the country that we just saved using billions in Chinese cash, an irreverent style of edgy comedy.

The biggest laugh comes where on his site, he claims to be some kind of born again Christian, tough guy. Ha.

Somebody order more thread ‘cause Hoot Gibson keeps me in stitches.

Oh, one thing Hoot…In your profile, you say that your favorite book in the Bible is, The Book of Revelations.

It is actually called the, Book of Revelation. I thought maybe a saved, Christian man such as yourself might want to get that right. Hey, I’m here to help.

And Hoot, one other thing…you really aren’t the Christian tough guy you think you are…

You are a, self-loathing, frightened by others who aren’t like you, un-Christian pussy.

But, you still make me laugh.

Use the blue links above, to visit any of the bloggers that I mentioned in the post. I hope you do.

No matter your politics, it will certainly be entertaining!!

Cheers!!

Update: I just realized while perusing Hoot "Muslim-Hater" Gibson's profile that he lives in ISLAMorada, FL. I can't believe he hasn't moved. Man, irony is one funny bitch.