Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Forgiveness

It’s a cloudy and blustery Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

The temp will struggle to make it to 42 degrees today. Brrrr.

Meeting the party needs of my customers from 11-7 today will be a chilly venture. Fortunately, I will be kept warm by the unconditional love offered to me by the Holy Baby Jeebus, and a new pair of thermal underwear.

Today’s service is about sin and redemption…

I want to admit something to you all today. Schmoop asked me not to post about this, but I feel that I need to.

Last night I cheated on the love of my life. I was drunk and failed to think about the consequences of my actions.

I put in jeopardy the love, friendship, and trust the two of us had built over the past eight years. For that, I am truly sorry.

For hours, I laid in sin with another, and this morning…

All I have is guilt, remorse, and self-loathing. Besides asking for God’s forgiveness, I want to publicly ask for the forgiveness of my one true love.

Kelly…I am sorry.



I slept here last night. And I am deeply sorry. I hope you can forgive me.


Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sabbath, all. I am going to be freezing my boys off and suffering from major shrinkage.

Cheers!!

Preventing Matt-Phistopheles

I am a sinner. Yes, I know that may shock some of you.

But I am. We are all sinners.

But, I ask, why do we sin and or stray from the straight and narrow?

Maybe because some folks have no belief at all in Hell and the consequences of their transgressions.

Others?

Well, perhaps those who do believe in eternal damnation, still cannot fully comprehend an eternity spent adrift upon some ambiguous sea of fire.

Perhaps, if we defined the consequences of Hell in more tangible terms, people would be much less apt to sin.

For instance, I would be a much better person if I knew that if I sinned, my eternal consequences might result in any of the following:

*Engaging in a ménage a trois with Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

All the while, a naked Bill O’Reilly stands in the corner singing “Born Free” into an amplified falafel.

*Spending eternity sitting in the front row at an Air Supply concert.

*Having an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose presented to me, and my mouth has been sewn shut.

*Convexly, being force-fed an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose, and my asshole has been sewn shut.

Every 48 hours I would spontaneously combust into a cloudburst of reddish-brown goo of Bagwine and fecal matter. Oy Vay!!

*Being strapped into a dentist’s chair and the dental assistant comes in and says, “Matt-Man, Dr. Stalin will be in shortly to perform your root canal.”

*I spend my time in bed with a half dozen nearly naked chicks with hot bodies. The problem?

They are in clown make-up. Their nipple pasties squirt vinegar.

And, when I get near their hoo-ha’s, I get hit in the face with a pie…

Literally, not metaphorically. Creepy.

So there you have it. These are some of the things that would straighten my ass out.

If I keep these consequences in mind, I will end up being just like Ferris Bueller, “A Righteous Dude.”

What would keep your base instincts in check?

Cheers!!