Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Preventing Matt-Phistopheles

I am a sinner. Yes, I know that may shock some of you.

But I am. We are all sinners.

But, I ask, why do we sin and or stray from the straight and narrow?

Maybe because some folks have no belief at all in Hell and the consequences of their transgressions.

Others?

Well, perhaps those who do believe in eternal damnation, still cannot fully comprehend an eternity spent adrift upon some ambiguous sea of fire.

Perhaps, if we defined the consequences of Hell in more tangible terms, people would be much less apt to sin.

For instance, I would be a much better person if I knew that if I sinned, my eternal consequences might result in any of the following:

*Engaging in a ménage a trois with Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.


All the while, a naked Bill O’Reilly stands in the corner singing “Born Free” into an amplified falafel.

*Spending eternity sitting in the front row at an Air Supply concert.

*Having an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose presented to me, and my mouth has been sewn shut.

*Convexly, being force-fed an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose, and my asshole has been sewn shut.

Every 48 hours I would spontaneously combust into a cloudburst of reddish-brown goo of Bagwine and fecal matter. Oy Vay!!

*Being strapped into a dentist’s chair and the dental assistant comes in and says, “Matt-Man, Dr. Stalin will be in shortly to perform your root canal.”

*I spend my time in bed with a half dozen nearly naked chicks with hot bodies. The problem?

They are in clown make-up. Their nipple pasties squirt vinegar.

And, when I get near their hoo-ha’s, I get hit in the face with a pie…

Literally, not metaphorically. Creepy.

So there you have it. These are some of the things that would straighten my ass out.

If I keep these consequences in mind, I will end up being just like Ferris Bueller, “A Righteous Dude.”

What would keep your base instincts in check?

Cheers!!

70 comments:

Lu' said...

Good morning Matt-Man. To be stuck, litteraly, on a chair with hands bound leaving me unable to cover my ears and having piped in a constant feed of Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul from AI with their insipid comments and ludicrous banter.

A computer in front of me with an apparent link to Bagwine Ruminations yet when you click the link, nothing happens.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Perpetual AI banter would be hellish.

As far as clicking on Bagwine and nothing happens? Many folks feel that way even when my post comes up. Cheers Lu!!

Kimmie said...

As the old saying goes Matt, best friends will sit next to you and hold your hand through thick and thin, no matter what.

Well my dear friend...my basic insticnt would be to not ever become your best friend for I would not want to sit next to you for eternity in that Hell Pit you speak of. LOL! ;-)

Sike, Ha!...you know I would go to the ends of the earth with you, no matter what! Hugs!
Kimmie

ladyjaye82 said...

My idea of hell would be being trapped next to my ex-MIL for all eternity so she could ridicule me and tell me how glad she was that her son left me. All in her nasally accent. Ugh.

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: You lead, I'll follow, just in case the Earth is flat and you fall off. Cheers!!

Lady: Ha. I bet that would be the same type of hell that many could envision. Cheers LJ!!

Desert Songbird said...

Argh! Can't sleep, and when I come over here, I'm faced with nearly naked clowns!

THAT is hell on earth, my friend.

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: Sorry ya can't sleep, but I am glad I could help prepare you for your fate after you're gone. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

No. Way.

I'm heaven-bound, my friend. I am SAVED - HALLELUJAH!!!

Odat said...

Unlike you, my ass doesn't need straightening out.....I have no guilt...
(ok ya got me for lying). Send in the clowns!!!!
Peace

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: Praise the Holy Baby Jeebus, Sister Songbird. Amen and Cheers!!

Odat: Ha. Very good. They're already here. Cheers Odat!!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Dr. Stalin got his license back?

Roger said...

I usually throw holy water on my browser before I get here. Is this wrong?

Matt-Man said...

Mr Fab: Yes, but I think it's a License to Kill. Over and Over and Over. Cheers!!

Roger: Ha. Very Good. And not a bad idea. Cheers!!

Jeff B said...

An eternal "The Sound of Music" marathon in which Julie Andrews would be sitting next to me singing along with "The Hills Are Alive".

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ahhhhh. That is BAD, but I think you probably just pissed Schmoop off....Good Man. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

Bill O’Reilly ??? **shudder**

That would MAYBE even get me to stop fornicating~~

Dana said...

972 satellite HD channels, a 54" plasma TV, and the choice of only Rachel Ray, The View, Dr. Phil or Dancing With The Stars on every single channel.

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: I threw up a little when I typed that. Cheers!!

Dana: Ouch!! That made me cringe. It would only be worse if Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil were nekkid. Cheers Buddy!!

Hammer said...

What flavor of pie? ;)

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: Ha. You are always searching for the silver lining. Cheers Hammer!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...hanging out with Heather Mills-McCartney and there's no plug-in for my Sawzall....

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. You really want to hurt her dontcha? But she's such a sweet lady. Cheers!!

Winter said...

You found existentialism! Jean Paul Sartre's play No Exit is about hell. Poor hero of the story is in hell which consists of being locked in a room with the type of people who annoy the shit out of him. HEH.

For me, it would be forced to watch, listen, participate in, read, and otherwise live in a world filled with nothing but Oprah and Oprah lovers. What's REALLY scary about it... we're almost there now.

Matt-Man said...

Winter: The funny thing about Oprah being your hell, many people think she is God!!

I fixed your link and added your ascerbic daughter. Cheers!!

Tug said...

Please tell me why I think it's safe to read you while eating...dammit.

Looking at my 'boss' with cameltoe each & every day is hell - I'm livin' it now.

Kimmie said...

Well dear heart...I will have you handcuffef to me despite your thinking, and you shall go over with me, like it or not! Ha!
Kimmie ;^)

Matt-Man said...

Tug: Ha. Sorry about that. But I like it that you mentioned Camel Toe. Cheers!!

Kimmie: Good Luck with that. The only woman who has, or ever will handcuff me was a Korean-British hooker named Blo-Ye-Hard. Cheers!!

Karen said...

LOL. You crack me up. Though I kind of like Air Supply. Yeah. I am a girl.

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Ha. Thanks Karen. And I bet there are more than a few guys out there who like Air Supply, but won't admit it. Cheers!!

Turnbaby said...

There are many things I would not like to endure for an eternity but I'm not drinking the Kool Aid ;-)

Matt-Man said...

TB: Pussy. ; ) By the way, have I told you lately how HAWT you are? Cheers Turn!!

Leighann said...

Can't I just opt to have my conscience removed, that I way I can sin and not care what the consequences are?

Matt-Man said...

Leighann: Before we can remove your conscience we have to put one in. ; )~ Cheers!!

Knight said...

Hmm, I don't believe in hell. I think this is hell. We are just good at finding silver lining. For instance, I like vinegar so the clowns sound like an okay time to me. The sewing shut orifices sounds like a great way to drop a few pounds. Ann Coulter naked? Well, she isn't bad looking. Do we still have that sewing needle for her mouth? We can make it work.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: I have but one thing to say...Because I like you and think you are funny, I'll ignore the fact that you said that Anthrax Coulter isn't bad looking.

Where the hell is Jay when you need him. Cheers!!

Knight said...

When you handcuff her to the bed and tape her mouth she is just your regular blonde, long limbed, anorexic. It's when she speaks that her face contorts into some evil banshee demon spawn.

Matt-Man said...

Knight: I just don't feel that getting jabbed by an extra large Adam's Apple is sexy.

Plus, she shakes like either she has the DT's or she's a dog who is crapping razor blades. Plus my wanker may actually touch all of that hate inside of her.

Cheers!!

Jay said...

That's some pretty serious torture. Except I have to admit. I would probably do Michelle Malkin. LOL

The clowns wouldn't bother me either. The vinegar would though.

Knight said...

That made me laugh so hard I'm crying.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Holy Crap...I am so done with you. ; ) I wanted some help not an ulcer. Cheers Jay!!

Knight: Ha...Okay we are back to being friends. Cheers!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

You'll never, ever, never get your dick hard for either Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin. Putting the two of them together for a ménage a trois would be the end of your sex life. Okay, I can see why it would work, but my oh my. Bwahahahahahaha. What a hoot Matt-Man. Have a great day. :)

Matt-Man said...

Sandee: I would think that the sight of O'Lielly naked would prevent me from getting it up, ergo prevent me from touching those two snakes. Cheers!!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

a naked bill oreilly scared teh shit out of me so much, that if it wasnt for the hot dressed up naked broads, i might not have ever come back!

at least you didnt mention anything about a naked rosie odonell suffocating ron jeremy with her meat curtains. that wouldve been way grosser

Matt-Man said...

Tequila: Ha. Rosie O'Donnell was on my list, but I didn't want to bum myself out in real life.

Oh Dear God, other than the money she gives to charity, she has no redeeming personal qualities. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Clowns scare me. Bill scares me more. The very existence of an amplified falafel might just kill me due to fright.

That said, wtf with the naked clowns?! Geezz...Like I needed that trauma.

So if Ferris was the Sausage King of Chicago, does that make you The Spam King of Ohio?

Jahooni said...

actually i think the clowns are kinda hot. Would you really be looking at their faces anyway? ;)~

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Dammit Girl. If you didn't give me the new moniker that I needed. The SPAM King of Ohio...I love that. Cheers!!

Jahooni: I wouldn't be seeing anything if I had a cream pie in my face. Have you had sex with Pennywise? Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Happy to oblige you, Your Majesty!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Oh my, when you call me "Majesty", I get all gooey. You better stop it. Cheers Starr!!

TJ said...

Those first 2 scare the crap out of me! Let's just pray that we don't have to create our own personal hell.

Bond said...

A concert starring Jerry Garcia, Duane Allman, Buddy Holly, Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters and Big Mama Thornton with me in the front row, but forced to wear headphones playing a continuous loop of Abba and you reading your blog posts so loud I can not hear the music on the stage...

Sheer Hell

Matt-Man said...

TJ: Yeah the first two are pretty damn scary. Ewwww. Thanks for stopping by and Cheers!!

Bond: ABBA? You don't like ABBA? Well, you will burn in hell my good man, Ulaevus and Andersson and thier talent think otherwise. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Sorry I missed your obligation Starr. Cheers!!

leelee said...

Ann, Michele and Bill are pretty darn scary..oh and probably if I was forced listen to anything Rush Limbaugh had to say.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{shivers}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: Shivers?...Let me calm you...no, really. Cheers Lee!!

Starrlight said...

No love for ABBA?!?!!?!? Vinny! I am shocked! I LOVE ABBA :P

Micky-T said...

Sinning is the root of all pleasure!

Bond said...

Sorry...nope...no love for ABBA....

Bond said...

OK, I will admit i own about 5 of their albums though...HEY..I was DJ for years...sheesh

leelee said...

thanks Matty ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Yay Starr!! Cheers!!

Micky: Ov Vay, so true!! Cheers!!

Bond: Nice save, suck ass. Cheers!!

Leelee: For what? Being Me? Cheers!!

VE said...

There are too many hells I could think of:

- Endlessly commenting only to have blogger wipe it all away and me having to rethink and retype it
- Arriving at the left turn lane a second to late so that it doesn't engage and I have to wait for the next cycle...and then doing this every block for eternity.
- Full House Meets Dancing with the Stars - the TV marathon (for eternity)

You know I could go on...

Matt-Man said...

VE: Number 2 I can deal with, but 1 and 3 are pure hell. Cheers!!

Anonymous said...

Where in the world is Matt Lauer?

Bond said...

I own them...does not mean i listen to the albums 'taint-sweat'

smooch =]

I Smile 2 Much said...

So vinegar & THEN pie, huh?! Sometimes I worry about 'cha. Okay no, not really. I'm laughing much too hard to worry. ; )

I gotta say tho--- this pic of U? Uh huh. That 1. Makes me wanna tell U, "HOLY HELL! YOU'RE HAWT!!!"
I mean- cause how could I resist NOT sayin that 2 u? ; ) (giggle*giggle)

Matt-Man said...

Anon: Crying over Katie Couric's abscence. Cheers Joe!!

Bond: Ha. Good Enough. Cheers Vin!!

Smile: Ha. Why thanks, I'll be puttin' out the fire Thursday. A little HNT hint fer ya there. Cheers Smile!!

crazy working mom said...

OMG, that picture cracks me up! *LOL*

Ginormous Boobs said...

Anyone who quotes Ferris is a righteous dude in my book!

Matt-Man said...

CrAzy: If you're talking about the clown pic, it kinda creeps me out. Cheers Tish!!

GB: Ha. Thanks. Congrats on your grilled cheese award. Cheers!!