Wussies of the World Unite!!

Another Valentine’s Day…another day to honor the bitches!!

Yeah, I said that.

It’s up to the guy to get something for the woman.

Just like Ladies’ Night at the bars and wedding anniversaries, Valentine’s Day is all about the women.

On TV, radio, and in and around office cubicles everywhere, the ads and discussions center around...

“What is HE going to get HER for Valentine’s Day.”

It’s a sad, sad day for many men throughout America…

Men will succumb to pressure to buy flowers, teddy bears, and/or other overpriced baubles in order to demonstrate one thing.

Their undying love for their lady? Ha, no. In order to demonstrate their undying need to get a piece of ass in the near future.

Love is supposed to be a two way street, but on Valentine’s Day, men are tragically struck down by a truck loaded with greed and estrogen while standing on a one-way toll road.

Sad, indeed.

I for one don’t go through this problem. Schmoop and I do not show our love by showering one and other with overpriced gifts on Valentine’s Day.

Instead we show it by playing Nude Twister, by eating pizza off of each other’s naked body, or when we are feeling particularly frisky…

I dress up as Phileas Fogg and let my tongue and my “hot air balloon” traverse across a naked Schmoop as we play, Around the Girl in Eighty Ways.

And we don’t confine these activities to just one day…

It’s an ongoing parade of perversity that has kept us together and living in sin for over eight years.

Can a Vermont Teddy Bear or half dead roses produce that same cohesion? I don’t think so.

So guys let me say this…Don’t buy a damn thing. Tell your babe, to suck it up and get over the gift thing.

Tell her that Valentine’s Day is silly and you refuse to participate.

And then say to her…

“And with that in mind Cookie, get me another beer and take your clothes off. I’m freakin’ horny.”

After you do all of that my brethern, let me know how that works out for ya. I am anxious to know.

One last item on this V-Day. Today is my sister-in-law, Maribeth’s, B-Day. Here’s to ya, girl. You are a sweetheart.

It is also Bagwine friend, Sometimes Saintly Nick’s, natal celebration. He is one smart and amusing man of the cloth.

If you get a second, click HERE and go wish Mr. Nick one helluva Happy Birthday. Here’s to ya, Nick!!

Happy Valentine’s Day, all.

I am working today, but when I get home tonight, I am going to have a few V-Day beers and then pierce Schmoop’s Gates of Venus with my Arrow de la Cupid.

And it won’t cost me a thing...well, other than a few claw marks on my back and puncture wounds from her incisors.

Cheers!!

Just Call Me Cupid

Four Days Left!! Four days until Valentine's Day, Bitches. Better get your freak on if you want to impress the one you love.

It is hard however...what does a guy get his love?

Candy? Borrrrring, and it will go straight to your lover's hips.

Flowers? Roses die and are overpriced.

How about a Vermont Teddy Bear?

Puhleeeeeze. I see commericals for these stupid things every February.

It's a stuffed animal for God's sake. Unless, you're some pervert who is in love with an 8 year old girl, I think not.

In fact, the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. should rename themeselves, Pedophiles Direct!!

I know that Schmoop likes perfume...She really likes White Diamonds...

It does smell pretty good on her, but why stop at a good smelling neck and face? I could also get her a big can of Fem Fresh!! She'd smell great where it really counts...

I may as well go all the way...If her neck, wrists, and hoo-ha are a combination of wondrous scents, why not get her something me and the boys use at work?



Damn Straight!! I'll throw in a can of Ass Cleaner for her...um...can. As you can see, the best thing about this Ass Cleaner...It's Streakless!!

That is a bit much and she might gather from that troika of gifts that I think she stinks.

Perhaps I could get her something that I have always wanted to buy.

The Inflatable Bondage Chair...



Nothing says love like Air-Cushioned simulated rape and abuse. But alas, her and I would bust a hole in that thing in no time flat.

I wouldn't mind trying to get something "cute" for her this year, but not a Vermont Teddy Bear.

In spite of her 125 pound frame she does like to eat...but not candy so much.

Hmmmmmm? I need to find something cute that she could eat. How about this?



It is an adorable lookin' baloney...thingy...loaf with a smiley face. I think while cute, it might freak her out. It is after all, kinda clown lookin'.

I think I'll know what I'll do.

I'll use a gift certificate that I received for my birthday and get us something both her and I can sink our teeth into with Valentine's Day glee.

A special Heart-Shaped Pizza from one of Bagwine, Ohio's favorite pizza places, Cassano's.


Yeah that's the ticket; she'll love it...With this idea, I can not only have my pie, I'll get to eat it too.

Cheers!!