From Gaza City to Muscle Shoals

I hate to see the continuing violence that is taking place between Israel and the Palestinians.

It hurts me on a personal level.

You see, I have both Arab and Jewish roots. How so, you ask?

Well I have a distant relative who back around 823 A.D. was an Arab camel and goat trader named Ahmatt bin-Baghwine.

My Jewish roots? I looooove The Three Stooges.

I think I have a solution that will end this ongoing and archaic violence.

Here is my plan that I call: Operation Yellowhammer.

Listen up my Arab friends, or as I should call you, my Pal-estinians. Ha!!

Israel appears that it will exist as a nation for awhile, so get over it.

I don’t care how many rockets, mortar shells, and dirt clods Hamas hurls at Israel, the only thing you’ll get in return is a Yahwehpalooza-Sized Can of Kosher Whoop Ass leveled against you!!

So my pals, I have a plan to extricate you from the dirt paradise that is Gaza and move you to what will be your Land of Goat’s Milk and Honey. Where…?

Alabama!!

That’s right my friends. I will transplant all of you into the Southern utopia that is the 22nd state of the U.S.A.

It’s not like any of the other states would be upset that we are giving it you to do with it as you will.

Hell, even during the Civil War, the Confederacy didn’t really want them.

The rebel government felt that neatness counted…so they decided to let ’Bama join so their new country would have that neat, contiguous look.

Now once you're there, the United States will not get involved, however, some in Alabama may want to put up a fight.

Don’t worry too much ‘bout that.

You see, you’d be facing off against the Alabama National Guard and trust me…

If George W. Bush’s history with that unit is any indication of how they operate, most of the members are AWOL and no one knows it!!

Without the National Guard protection, the citizens may call in the University of Alabama football team to defend against you.

No worries. The Alabama football team got their lunch handed to them in the Sugar Bowl, by a team from Utah. Utah of all places!!

If that team can’t defend itself against an opponent from the Land of the Osmonds, I don’t think they’ll offer much resistance to your rockets and mortar shells.

So there you have it. Alabama is all yours for the asking. You’ll enjoy cable TV, access to the Gulf of Mexico, real houses, and even hot showers…

Of course, if pictures of the late Yasser Arafat are any indication, hygiene isn’t on the top of your list.

The best thing about this plan? You wouldn’t be living next to Jews anymore. Why would you want to?

Holy Cow, in our country we have people who pay top dollar to play golf in Country Clubs and live in gated communities that don’t allow Jews.

You’d be the envy of a large segment of Americans, but don’t get a big head...

In spite of their envy, those envious folks wouldn’t want to associate with you guys either.

So my Pal-estinians, there’s my offer. You may want to consider it because other than for propaganda purposes, none of the other Arab countries give a crap about you.

If you say yes, and move here…you’ll all be singing Sweet Home Alabama in no time.

Or would that be, Sweet Home Ali-Baba-ma? Peace Out…

Cheers!!