Crockpots and Cable Boxes

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t anymore.

Today is my only day off between this past Sunday and NEXT Thursday.

“Big” doings going on ‘round here today.

Schmoop took the day off and...

Sometime between 8 A.M. and 11 A.M. the cable guy is coming over to fix our digital channel box, which bustimacated during Ike’s visit.

Doesn’t that sound exciting!?

After the cable guy fixes the channel box and leaves, I am going to throw Schmoop on the floor in front of the TV with pay-per-view porn on the screen and fix her box.

Okay, in all likelihood, we will drink beer and listen to the radio once the guy leaves…but man, that’s pretty edgy in itself.

After that, noon time wackiness will ensue when I begin to cook. Ahhhhhh, my only chance until next Thursday. How I love to cook.

What’s on the menu, you ask? And why cooking so early?

Well, with fall quickly approaching, I have been demanded requested by Schmoop to make some crockpot chili. She loves it.

Here’s what Crockpot Chili ala Matt-Man entails…

Tomatoes, Tomato Paste, Kidney, Northern, and Black Beans...I may add another can of Black Beans as well, since SOMEBODY won't let me use Limas. Dirty Lima Bean Hater!!

Not too many spices...Chili Powder, Paprika, Oregano, Garlic, and a secret one which is not shown, that replaces Cumin...

These are da bomb!! Frozen, already diced onions and bell peppers. Fresh may be best, but too often we end up wasting them . So this, for the Bagwine kitchen, is the way to go.

The MEAT!! Two pounds of ground beef, and one pound of sausage which I will slightly brown off with What's-This-Here Sauce prior to crocking it. I also add real bacon pieces.

I cannot bring myself to use sliced bacon for this. Sliced bacon stands on its own and should be consumed that way!!

The cookery...or, is that, crockery? Anyhoo. This is my newest crockpot. Isn't she sexy and voluptuous?

I call her, Samantha. Samantha came with a 2, 4, and 6 quart bowl. I'm am going to use the 4 quart today.

The 2 is too small, and the 6 quart bowl I only use when cooking up meth, so it may have toxic residue in it.

There you have it. After eight hours of simmering, Samantha will be ready to yield her juicy, meaty, and delicious wares.

Yum-Oh!!

And maybe, just maybe, after Schmoop eats it, and provided she doesn't lose too much of her buzz, ol' Matt-Man will be sampling some of Schmoop's wares.

Have a great day all. I may videotape the highlights of this incredibly over-the-top and living on the edge kinda day and post it tomorrow.

Cheers!!

Good or Evil? Either Way, I'm Gonna Be Famous!!

A reader left the following comment on my post from Monday ,which dealt with how the remnants of Ike played havoc on the Bagwine community…

“I quote part of your post from Jay's blog last week that I felt was rather sad when I read it.

"Anything that Ike does to Texas can only be an improvement."

I guess it came back to bite you in the ass. Hmmm...doesn't surprise me.

Would you like some cheese with that "whine"?

Sorry, but you tend to have no regards to how impacting your words can be. Have you watched the devistation of Galviston?”

It’s funny, I predicted only moderate damage for Galveston and little to none for Bagwine, Ohio. In both cases, the opposite happened.

This comment and the results, gave me pause to ponder. It made me question whether or not my moral compass needs to be re-calibrated.

It made me wonder what type of person dwells deep within my inner-core…or something like that.

I have narrowed down who I am, to two distinct beings. Please, follow me, if you will…

I have, for most of my life been drawn towards women who were older than me…women who were on the voluptuous side.

Women who also had medium to long dark hair, and wore more than an average amount of make-up, and well…had really big boobs.

Then, nearly eight years ago, I shacked up in sin with a slightly younger woman…a thin-ish woman. A woman who had blondish hair (it’s red now).

A woman who wears very little make-up, and well…her boobs are pretty big.

I mean, I must have access to a nice set of fun bags. But, other than her ample milk mounds, she is yet another opposite happening in my life.

I love Champagne. I could drink it everyday, brush my teeth with it, and bathe in it. And yet, in opposite Matt-Man fashion, the libation I purchase is, Wild Irish Rose.

I told many that a McCain/Palin ticket was a joke.

Now, the opposite has happened. Their numbers are rising, and the ticket, for all practical purposes is actually, a Palin/McCain ticket.

I said to Schmoop prior to the game this past Saturday, that even though Michigan isn’t very good this year, our beloved Notre Dame will lose to them, at home, 35-17.

What happened? Notre Dame won, 35-17. My words and actions are a series of opposite effects.

Lastly, my favorite number and one that I find lucky is, 999. And what is the opposite of that? That’s right… Turn it upside down and it is 666.

Holy Baby Jeebus!! I am the fricking Anti-Christ...!!

Jeebus, being the all-powerful Son of God, wills and thinks exactly what he wants to be done. My thoughts and desires elicit the opposite effect.

Also…

He had long hair; I have little. He was Jewish; I love bacon.

He was the product of an immaculate conception; I was born due to my mom and dad trying to sneak one in while their other eight kids were asleep.

The only thing that we have in common is height. Purportedly, Jeebus was exactly 6 feet tall. I am exactly 6 feet tall as well.

Which, makes me ponder beyond my initial conclusion.

Am I the Anti-Christ? Or, because I think that I am, I am actually the opposite?

Am I actually Christ himself, and after years of watching stupid people fuck things up, I have returned to Earth with a Messiah-Sized sense of scorn and sarcasm ?

I just don’t know…or do I?

Cheers!!

Holy Baby Jeebus!!

For today's regularly scheduled post, scroll down...However!!

A word about Wednesday's post. I may have just solved (with the unwitting help of a reader from New York) the mystery of the Book of Revelation!!

The results? Shocking!!

Cheers!!