You Say Potato, I Say Po-Yum-Oh

I started writing this post twice, with two different topics. This can’t bode well after only doing this Bagwine writing gig for two weeks.

I want to be funny and clever all the time but who the hell can do that?

I know…I know…I am trying too hard. I realize this, but I want to be good at this. Fucking good. Matt-Man good. I will be, but…

It will take time. So bear with me, and in the meantime, with the 4^th of July picnics looming, try my recipe below for my easy, most awesome potato salad…

Red Potatoes

Green Onions

Sour Cream

Bacon

Spicy Brown or Dijon Mustard

Cube potatoes, and boil with salt (kosher if you have it, Moses likes it that way). Do NOT let the spuds get mushy. Drain.

Add green onions. The green part only mind you…unless you are one of those freaks that enjoys the white part.

Add a 16 ounce tub of sour cream. Just the sour cream, not the plastic tub itself.

Bacon. Lotsa bacon. I use an entire bag of real bacon pieces. It’s much easier that way.

One squirt (it is a technical term, you amateurs) of mustard. I use only one squirt because I find it overpowering and like the sour cream to stand out.

Mix and refrigerate for a few hours, and then…

Enjoy, Bitches!! (No Mayo, Jay!!)

Don’t forget…Only five more days until Matty-Boy’s big announcement.

Zoooooves!!

Better Homes and Gardens: I'd Starve Without You

Those of you who have read me for awhile, know that I love to cook. I enjoy inventing new dishes with whatever we may have on hand. I also like looking at cookbooks, and often, people will pass them along to me. I was looking at one last night that Schmoop's brother had given me a couple of years ago. It is the gayest, most simplistic damn cookbook I have ever read. It was pissing me off that more than a few people certainly got paid to put this haggis smelling piece of shit together. The cookbook? the Better Homes and Gardens Big Book of 30 Minute Dinners…

A third grader could have penned and published this roll call of remedial recipes. Now dig it... Did you know that one can pop some frozen fish fillets in the oven and when done, place them on buns with tomato, cheese, and the condiment of one's choice, and serve them up as sandwiches for those, "hectic Saturdays?"

Looks yummy, and if I can overcome my fear of trying dishes, I may try to make one of these new-fangled,“fish sandwiches.” I don’t know about you, but Schmoop and I are always disappointed that our breakneck schedules do not allow us to enjoy a good, steaming beet dish. Well folks, I am happy to announce that our disappointment has turned to joy thanks to Better Homes and Gardens…

Instead of lying awake at night wondering when your next sumptuous bowl of beets will tickle your palate, you can rest assured that a big bowl of Borscht is but 30 minutes away. Now in all fairness, there is one recipe in the book that I liked. I have always wanted to have sex with my sexy buddy Dianne, but never knew quite how to get her into bed. Better Homes and Gardens gave me the recipe and road map on how to do just that…

If only they had gotten the spelling of her name correct, and one other thing…It wouldn’t be over in a mere 30 minutes. I would be slooooow cookin’. Anyhoo… I think it’s a shame that a book like this gets published, and more so that I’m sure people paid good money for it. Just throw a brand name on a piece of drivel and it sells…I joke about it, but it kinda makes me mad. Maybe I should write my own cookbook…

Because just like my Titaroni Pasta Bake that you see above, at least the recipes would be original. A Fish Sandwich? Really? Cheers!!

Hot Dog Helper (Redux)

I got home late Sunday night so I was pressed to write something new, so...

While talking to Average Chick on Twitter she came up with the idea of writing a recipe.

I did this one a little over a year ago and it is one of my faves inventions, so today I re-post it...

Okay...So yesterday I said that I was going to make Hot Dog Helper. Using a box of Hamburger Helper I decided to use instead, some nitrite laden links.

While some of you scoffed and prayed for Schmoop's alimentary canal, all went well. Allow me to show you... (all pics enlarge by clicking)

First, I cut some dogs and threw them into a hot skillet...

Next, I added some onions and bacon pieces to the mix...


Look how burnt and caramalized everything is getting...


I then added the Hamburger Hashbrown mix to the wet, hot, sexy skillet. Mmmmmmmm.


Some lesser folks would stop at the skillet process. Me? Being the hot ass cook that I am, I put the crap into a baking dish.

And then I added the cheese sauce...

And sprinkled a liberal amount of parmesean cheese...

And then I put it in the oven at 400 degrees for 18 minutes so the much maligned, yet uber-tasty, Hot Dog Helper comes out like this...

And, after sitting...oh excuse me...resting for a few minutes, I plate it up with a glob...oh excuse me...a dollup, of sour cream, for Schmoop.

Schmoop dug it, and to all of you nay sayers out there? Suck it. Matt-Man is once again rounding third and heading for home.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Are You Ready for Some Footbal!?

It’s going to be a hot Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today and damn busy in a super happy fun way.

It’s been a long week, but I am off today and ready to spend my time in the AC, while swilling beer and catching up on blog and show related crap.

It’s amazing how far one can fall behind on that stuff when one has no internet access at work with which to fuck off visit porn sites perform a public service for the masses.

This morning, I am already reeling from the results of my Fantasy Football draft in Jayman’s Open Bar League.

The draft transpired automatically at 5 AM this morning and well…for my team, The Eager Biebers, it’s a mixed bag.

I dig get the two QB’s that I wanted. Matt Schaub of the Texans will be my starter and Matt Ryan of the Falcons is a more than adequate back up.

I also managed for the second straight year to get the best running back that no one was ever heard of, Pierre Thomas of the Saints.

I have a couple of stellar Tight Ends, a decent but not outstanding WR corps, and the same great kicker I have had for three straight years in Ryan Longwell, but my two defenses?

M’eh. Oh well, I didn’t have what I thought to be a very good team last year and managed to win it all, Bitches. So…we’ll see.

I am breaking out the crockpot today. Schmoop had a craving for my five bean chili, so in order to secure some sex from her, I shall make it so.

I thinks the stars are aligned favorably in that area, because when she was making the bed this morning, she said…

“Oooh, I need to put a new cum towel beside the bed!!”

Just for some extra insurance, I will be making a batch of green onion cornbread as well.

Lastly….Jayman and I will be doing our Blog Talk Radio Show at 11 AM EDT today. If you have the time, be sure to tune into I’m With Stupid on BTR.

It promises to be another Marconi Award winning show.

Of course…

Promises are easily broken.

Amen, and Amen.

Hope to see you ‘round the internets somehow and somewhere today. Enjoy your Day.

Cheers!!

A Day In The Life With Drive-By Mikey and Chicken Nuggets

As I mentioned, I went with my boss, Drive-By Mikey, to Columbus yesterday. The meeting we had was uneventful, but oh my, hilarity ensued.

Just take a look...

Here's Mikey stuffing dollar bills into the parking lot "bank"...

It took a few minutes of me convincing him that that is what you do, but he finally relented.

He only put in enough money for two hours and we were parked there for four hours without being towed, so we "stuck it to the man."

Now what follows is a picture of the building in which our meeting was held..

It's the Vern Riffe Building and is forty stories tall. However, we would only be going up to the 19th floor.

But even from the 19th floor one can still get a good view of downtown Columbus looking east...

In the above picture, the building you see in the forefront is our State Capitol building. Don't ya just love the "sawed-off" dome look? Okay, maybe not.

At one point, I had to leave the building we were in, in order to grab a smoke. It was then I noticed a fine looking Chinese restaurant across the street...

That's right, the Ho Toy restaurant. Who wouldn't want to eat Ho Toy's? I bet Don Imus would love Ho Toy's.

Upon my return home I drank a few of course, received a call from a dear friend (Thank You, Friend), and then prepared another something from nothing meal classic.

I made this out of necessity a couple of weeks ago, but it is now a new standard. It's called Chicken Shit.

Last time, I used "chicken" patties, this time I used Chicken Nuggets.

I cooked the nuggets with peppers, onions, and garlic...

I then cooked up a mess o' egg noodles...

I took a can of condensed Cream of Chicken soup, added a quarter can of milk to it, and heated it up...

Schmoop loves her some peas, so I added peas to the "sauce" and noodles...

And voila...

Another two thumbs up culinary review from Schmoop!!

Yeah, my life is raucous. Okay maybe not, but more often than not...it's pleasant, and I dig that.

Cheers!!

Stuffing Ebony Sausage

I hope you all had a wunnerful weekend. I did too...thanks for askin'.

On Saturday, Schmoop got her hair cut. And then yesterday, she asked that I color it for her.

I, of course obliged, being the fucking great guy that I am. But...this isn't about me.

Anyhoo...

After hanging out with Ryno, I came home. Schmoop and I drank beer and I applied the color which SHE had chosen.

You see, it use to be this auburn kinda thing...


Schmoop wanted to go darker this time, so she picked out someting called, Brown/Black...I applied it...

And ladies, and gentlemen...this is how it came out. I dig it. While she is letting it grow on her...she hated it...

So, in order to appease her, I cooked.

Let me tell ya...A few months ago, it was snowing and we had "no" food, but I discovered something.

In the cabinet, I found a box of stuffing, a can of kidney beans, and in the fridge...a pound of burger.

I made what has become something Schmoop and I dig. It's called Hamburger Stuffing, but this time I used sausage...

I brown the sausage...

Make the box of stuffing according to directions and add kidney beans. But please...instead of water to the stuffing, add a can of chicken broth...

After that, I mix the sausage and stuffing stuff and put it into a baking dish...I also sprinkle cheese and parsley on top, but it's not mandatory...

And then...I bake it at 450 for 15 minutes...

After it sets for a few, I served it up to Schmoop with some sour cream and Frank's Hot Sauce on top...

And there you have it folks...something incredibly tasty, incredibly easy, and incredibly inexpensive...

Gone from 10-9 today, but if you will, let Schmoop know what you think about her hair color...And mind you, she would like the truth.

Cheers!!

My Sunday In Pictures

I don’t do this often, but I have a more personal, “Get to Know Matty-Boy” post today.

What follows is a snapshot of what I did yesterday. It was a pleasant Sunday, and I shall share it with you.

First of all, I got a late start but I took breakfast to Ryno and his mom, and this is what I was greeted with…

Ryno’s class went to King’s Island Friday and he just had to have that hat. He said to me…

“Dad, this hat is a chick magnet. A group of five girls wanted to have their picture taken with me. I of course, obliged.”

Holy Cow…He used the word “obliged”. I like that. As soon as those braces come off, he is gonna be deadly. I love the little shit.

Ryno and I shot some hoops and while we doing so, I took some pictures of the house…You know…the house that used to be mine.

And as we were talking, he drained 13 in a row from 15+ feet out. Anyhoo…

Here’s a picture of part of the front yard that used to be mine…Mmmmmm, I like that.

You can see some red flowers in the background of the previous picture…here’s a close-up…of some, what are called, “Knock Out Roses”.

After my visit, I came back home and Schmoop and I went on a mission…It’s seems that Tommy Tutone has hit rock bottom.

He is now going to be singing Jenny 867-5309 in Bagwine, Ohio on the 29th at a dump known as the Key West Lounge…

If he had Schmoop as a back up singer he’d at least be adding some sexiness to his act…Well, if she by then, wasn’t ragging.

I also went to a place called Gordon Food Marketplace. This chain markets mainly to restaurants, but they are open to the public.

My brother Marty and his wife had given me a gift card for Christmas and I finally made my way out there. I bought for Schmoop and I, a huge ass chunk of Colby Jack, a dozen buns, and 15 1/3 pound sirloin burgers…

I made a Parmesan Pasta salad and cooked two, Swiss Cheese and Bacon burgers for Schmoop, because while she is a bit of a waif, when Schmoop is raggin’, she eats like Elizabeth Taylor devours both a Vegas smorgasbord and husbands…

She really dug the burgers, but I wish since her basement was flooding, I would have made something more topical, like chili dogs. Alas…

I will be working in the heat from 10-9 both Monday and Tuesday, but Wednesday?

I shall release my list of the five Bloggers that I would definitely make my next wife. I know…

Many of you are excited, mainly because you would rather find yourself NOT on the list…Tough. You may end up on it.

Cheers!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day From Bagwine...Part Deux

I'm not there yet, but I had the intention of getting as polluted as the Chicago River turned green for St. Patty's Day, so...

In order to appease Schmoop who has to work today and will be rolling her eyes at me when she gets home, I told her that I would make something good for dinner.

So I am making Irish Steaks...

The steaks are being marinated in What's This Here Sauce, tomatoes, garlic, onions and peppers, and salt and pepper.

Now you may ask yourself..."What makes these Irish Steaks, Matt-Man?"

Well, let me tell ya.

I also added one part drunkenness, one part fist fight, and two parts of tears shed when making up with the drunken Irish friend of yours that you got into a fight with.

I'm a fucking o'genius.

Of course we are eating healthier these days so I am also going to make a Mexican dish called, Verduras Mixtas.

What is that you ask? It's this...

Hey, ya gotta have your veggies.

Hope you're all enjoying St. Patty's Day. More later...

Cheers!!

Remember: You can join me through my blog updates, on my Twitter account, on my Facebook page, and through Yahoo Instant Messaging (neshobadude) throughout the day.

Matt-Man: Alone in the Randomness

Hi Y’all…

Well today is a big hot needle in my eye…

I have to take and pick up Schmoop from work and I also have to take and pick up Ryno from school. So, I know what you’re sayin’…

“Geez, what a busy day, Matt-Man, you’re gonna be sooooooo exhausted. You're like a Mattsi Cab”

I appreciate your sympathies and heart-felt thoughts, but being the tireless trooper that I am, I shall press on…

Since I am soooo damn “busy” today…

I thought today would be a good day to just unzip my fly, pull down my pants, and let my randomness whip out. Here ya go, my friends, a few random thoughts…

*Did you know that if you are sitting in your apartment looking out the window and see an unfamiliar guy walk into an apartment across the way with a sledge hammer and a nail gun, it can make you not only laugh out loud, but a bit uncomfortable?

*I was thinking…the best thing about being Jesus, other than turning water into wine, is that, even if he were married, he can fuck any chick in the world and forgive himself while he’s doing it. Talk about your safe sex.

*If I tell a woman that she must have big boobs in order for me to be with her, I am just being me and expressing my preferences, but…if she says that she wants a big cock in return, she’s just being selfish.

If she says, “Well jeez Matt, can’t it at least be measurable?”, then she’s just being downright hurtful.

*Yesterday, I rubbed oregano all over my nipples to see if they would get hard…All it did was make me smell like Mussolini. Shut up guys…and you know who I am talking about.

*I made a combo of boxed cheesy potatoes, hamburger, kidney beans, great northern beans and cheese and baked it in the oven Wednesday night. I called it “Slop”.

Schmoop ate it and said, “This shit is good.”

That recipe shall from this day forward, be known as, “Shit”…for it is good.

*Beginning with my High School sweetheart Sherri, every woman I have ever lived with, cohabitated with, been married to, or otherwise been intimately linked, really likes the 70’s band, Bread. It’s no wonder that I am such the pussy that I am today.

*I asked Schmoop via e-mail if she had any random thoughts for today’s post. She said…”I want to kill everyone in my office.”

To which I replied…"I said random thoughts, not pre-meditated...what the fuck?"

*Sunday is the birthday of Bagwine’s fave Cynical Bastard, Jay. I have an early present for him on Friday. I hope you’ll stop by to see…and listen.

*Are ya wondering why I have pictures of hot chick on chick action?

Well, I talked to Schmoop’s brother David yesterday and he was feeling a bit down. He’s been taking care of their elderly mom who is not doing well at all. He’s kinda tired and spent.

David said, “What’s on your blog tomorrow?”

I told him that it was just a few random thoughts and asked if he had any. He said…

“Yeah…could you put some lesbians on your site tomorrow?”

Say no more David…Enjoy the view...you’ve earned it, and then some.

Cheers!!

Take A Picture...It Lasts Longer

Hiya Kidz...

Schmoop and I are a bit under the weather today, so I thought perhaps I'd do a pictorial post. Or is that pictoral? Hell, I don't know...Anyhoo...

Here's a picture of me yesterday after I shaved my head...Tres Chic, no?

Last night I made Filet Mignon. Okay it's hamburger that I mixed with onion, parsley, garlic, What's This Here Sauce, held together by crumpled Sour Cream and Onion potato chips (can't eat bread ya know), and wrapped in bacon, but...

It looks good, no?

Here's a picture of it almost done. I had to put it back in the oven for 10 minutes so the bacon could finish cooking...

Schmoop dug it, and since she is home today, we are opening up the interwebz (Thanks Doc) for any questions you may have of her.

Feel free...she's open to answering any questions you may have about her and her sordid life.

I want to apologize to Gary Garedenhire who I so acerbically trashed the other day. Maybe he was coming on to me and I just didn't pick up on it...

As a petition of atonement and in order to maybe having sex with Gary, Larry Craig, and Ted Haggard in the future, I offer this song.

It's a song by a guy who was ridiculed and persecuted by the evil octopus that is the music recording industry.

Ladies and gentlemen, and especially you Gary, I give you my sincerest regrets and the musical magic that is David Soul...

Cheers!!