Mattamorphosis

There could be some permanent and profound changes coming to Bagwine Ruminations.

Bagwine Ruminations could very well cease to exist as you know it.

It seems that one of the myriad of ideas I have had, has actually taken off with others than myself, and I will be devoting the bulk of my time bringing that idea to fruition.

It’s an interwebz, tubes of the internets, media idea I have had for a few hours days weeks , and…

It was met with a more than lukewarm response. So…

I may be sporadic over the next few days, but I will see if my BFF/OSP Schmoop, can muster up some entertainment for you on here.

She’s always funny, and if things pan out, she may be ruining running this site anyway.

In the meantime, you can always listen to the I’m With Stupid show that Jayman and I did yesterday.

It was a fucking hoot, as we talked about Rep. Anthony Weiner’s…wiener.

If there is any bit of a 12 year old boy or girl inside of you, you will love this show. You can listen to it by utilizing the handy dandy BTR machine below:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Until the next time…

Cheers!!

Memorial Day: A Salute and a SALUTE !!

In honor of Memorial Day 2011, I offer you a poem from my dad’s first book, Irish Coffee…

De Profundis

I was young at Gettysburg,
And though Spring has come and gone a hundred times,
I am not old.
I am still thirst-quenched by Summer’s rain,
and laughter, wind-borne, nourishes me.
Beside me, my Captain sleeps,
and often, in the cool silence of the tombs,
when lilacs bloom, I hear him sigh.

I need no granite monolith,
pillowed in the dust of a century,
to mark my name.
It is graven in the ridge above me,
and in the quiet valley that slopes toward the sea.

Jack Mahoney ©1974

Here’s to my dad, and to all who have fallen in defense of this great nation.

Amen.

Now, on a lighter note…

Jayman and I are doing another award winning installment of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio for you today at 11 AM EDT.

As you may know…

On our Monday show, we like to just spontaneously jump into the news headlines that are rocking our world.

Today we will be talking about Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and the 2012 GOP Presidential Primary field, but mainly we will be making topical jokes about dicks. Y’know…penises, dorks, wanks.

Evidently, one of I’m With Stupid’s fave congressmen, Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) allegedly showed his manhood over the internets recently, and well…we are going to make a thousand and one jokes about it come to his defense.

We want to salvage this man’s good name and be his reputation prophylactic of sorts.

So there you have it.

Join Jayman and me at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio by clicking HERE. And/or…

You can call us at 661.244.9852

Happy Memorial Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Memorial Day: My Patriotism Is On Display

It is going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Memorial Day weekend Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio.  Sunny and 88 degrees today.

I do looooove da heat, especially on days like today when I will be manning the Beer Mine from 11-7, because as we all know... 

8 hours + 88 Degrees = 174 Sweaty Cleavage Shots.

I always knew that math would come in handy someday.

And...as it can get hot fulfilling the grain and barley based orders of patriotic Americans on a hot day like today, I shall show a little cleavage of my own as I work the mine wearing this:

I am one patritotic mo fo, my brothers and sisters.

Enjoy your Sunday all, and if you tired and emotionally drained from all of your reflecting on this Memorial Day weekend, you can always listen to I'm With Stupid.

Jayman and myself celebrated Memorial Day on I'm With Stupid last night and it went something like this:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

And don't forget...

Instead of attending some parade full of creepy clowns and pedophile shriners on scooters, you can catch another live installment of I'm With Stupid tomorrow at 11 AM EDT.

Why am I and Jayman doing a show on Memorial Day, you ask?

Because stupid never takes a holiday.

You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

As always, my friends...

Cheers!!

The Louder You Scream, The More I Learn

So…

I walked into the house that I used to own this past Thursday in order to pick up my 16 year old son Ryno and take him to school.

I enter the house whistling a happy tune, and then…BAM!!

Between Ryno, his Mom’s body language, and lack of sarcasm directed toward me, I could immediately tell that things were not well.

It seems that our son, who has been doing much better academically, had recently fallen off the wagon of paying attention, and again doing what he had done in the past.

I’m down with that.
 
I mean, not down in a sense that that is okay, but rather he’s 16, digs chicks and basketball, and like his dad, has the attention span of…well…somebody’s who name escapes me. Anyhoo…

His mom is being nasty towards him.

He, in all his soon to be 17 year old glory, is holding back his tears, and I, sitting on the couch (of which I got a great deal back in the day) am feeling like B List actor Lloyd Bochner in an episode of the Twilight Zone, saying to myself…

“What the fuck?”

Ryno is a great kid. He’s funny. Respectful (for a 16 year old), and smart. The boy is lazy academically, and always has been until he needs to step it up.

Here’s the thing…

His Mom berates him because he does not get all A’s. She is constantly nagging him for not taking advantage of the private school he goes to…she doesn’t like his “misfit” friends.

First of all…

Much like his Dad, Ryno will never get A’s in Math. He can get perfect scores on English tests, but that matters not.

He has to be first in everything, or…he is last.

I know the feeling. I went through the same thing with her. I was never good enough. Other people had better houses, more money, and more importantly, more status…

What a joke. 

She literally berated me with nailed finger at my nose, pushed me around, and spit in my face. In spite of all the things I did to her, there’s no excuse for that.

 
I left that environment because well, Ryno was young and cried often because we fought. I’ve learned from that. But evidently, she hasn’t…

As he was tearing up on the way to school that day, Ryno said to me...

“Dad, I am never good enough; she yells and gets in my face with her finger and scares me freaking out.”

It has been too late for Ryno’s Mom and I to fix those things for years, but let’s hope she can fix things between her and Ryno before another man, namely Ryno, leaves her life, and she is left alone with her anger and her bigotry.

Her bigotry you ask? The “misfit” friends of Ryno’s who his mom referred to? They go to his private school because they have vouchers.

According to his Mom, they are a bad influence on Ryno, because as we all know, poor kids and kids of color are losers.

Yeah…That’s the kind of social bullshit and racial bigotry crap he lives with, but….He’s already beyond all that, I just wonder if someday soon, he will say...

“Mom, shut the Hell up, and leave my friends alone.”

I’m pretty sure he will, although unlike me, he'll be polite about it.

Cheers!!

Make sure you listen to I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tonight at 6:30 PM EDT. We are having a Memorial Day Weekend Extravaganza and want you to join in.

You can listen to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

Memorial Day...Reflection and Amazement

Welcome to year six of Bagwine Ruminations, which appropriately enough, begins on the weekend that launches the unofficial beginning of summer.

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio, and indeed, throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars

After Taps has been played and the “Amens” said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the morning must of course, be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types, as the chlorine and filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous", illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Matt Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.

As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

Cheers!!

Don’t forget, Kidz…

Saturday at 6:30 PM EDT, Jayman and I will be broadcasting live on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio. We will be talking about Memorial Day festivities such as the ones you have just read about AND…

Michele Bachmann will be chiming in with a Memorial Day tribute of hope and inspiration that you will not want to miss. 

I hope you join us by listening to us by clicking HERE and/or calling in at 661.244.9852

Bradley Cooper

After five years, nearly 1,900 posts, and over 700,000 words, Bagwine Ruminations™ and yours truly, are shutting down for some re-tooling and relaxation until Friday, May 27^th.

The reasons are simple.

As Schmoop told me the other day...

“You’re phonin’ it in, Ma-Hone.” 

And, she’s right…in a way.

It’s not that I have been phonin’ it in, it’s that I have lost purpose and focus on what I write about on Bagwine Ruminations.

It’s as though BR has often and of late, become a mere commercial for the award winning and highly rated Blog Talk Radio show that my buddy Jayman and I do on Saturdays and Mondays, I’m with Stupid.

I have to separate the two to a degree. I mean, I am going to always give a head’s up to our upcoming shows on here, and I will put up the latest archived edition of IWS, but that has to be secondary.

Fortunately, my radio partner in crime, Jay Bone Thug, has made that easier to do. I’m With Stupid now has a number of ways in which to be contacted.

We have a Tumblr account: IWS Tumblr

We have a Twitter account:  IWS Twitter

And…

We have an IWS e-mail account:  IWS_Radio@yahoo.com

So, gang you can always catch I’m With Stupid fun facts and punditry at those internets locales…
 

I also always update show info on my Facebook page and on my Twitter account which you can access on my right sidebar.

So really…I think keeping Bagwine Ruminations and IWS separate to a degree is no longer a problem; however…

I do need to refocus and take a couple of days off in order to get back to making the funny on BR like I have in the past.

I thought this was the perfect time to do just that because Friday the 27^th is significant in a way.

This Friday, May 27^th will mark the beginning of the sixth year of Bagwine Ruminations on Blogger, and while it has become a struggle at times to write something EVERY FUCKING DAY...

I hope to continue to do so for a long time to come, and hope what I write is at least halfway decent.

So there you have it folks…

Oh and the pictures, and post title? They have nothing to do with the post. 

I have to keep my numbers up while I’m away, and the pictures and title I used and how I labeled them will insure just that.

I may be unfocused, but I still have some deadly SEO skills.

Lastly, as I said I will continue to do…Here’s the latest episode of I‘m With Stupid from yesterday. 

It’s pretty funny and you can listen to it by utilizing the handy dandy BTR Machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Until Friday my friends, and as always…

Cheers!!

Tornado Tragedy in Joplin...Here's To You Folks

I had a post ready for today that was kinda funny, but as events unfolded Sunday night, I changed to a different post, and will post my original, wacky thoughts tomorrow.

So today, as one who has always been fascinated and in awe of the power of all things meteorological, especially tornadoes and hurricanes…

I want to send the folks in Joplin, Missouri my most sincere condolences and wishes for the mettle to carry on and rebuild in spite of the profound loss that nature perpetrated upon your city and your families.

As the video came in and I viewed it, I was seeing it through the eyes of me as a nine year old looking at the devastation leveled upon a town 25 miles south of Bagwine named, Xenia, Ohio.

The 1974 tornado that left its destructive footprint upon that town, had all the same markings that yesterday, left Joplin in ruins.

It’s been 37 years since that day, and for most of us in this area, it is to this day, always in the backs of our minds during this time of year.

And while tornadoes have left other families, other lives, and many other communities in pain and destruction, the Joplin tornado that occurred yesterday, felt familiar, and I feel an exaggerated empathy for the Joplinites for that very reason.

Here’s to you all in Joplin and I hope that while the pain of this event will stay with you forever, you will find the will and spirit to overcome this act of nature’s random acts of retribution.

Stay hopeful…God Speed…and God Bless you.

With that being said…

Jayman and I will be broadcasting another stellar episode of I’m With Stupid today at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

As our Monday shows are more off the cuff and news related than our Saturday shows, I’m sure we talk about the tragedy in Joplin and provide helpful hotlines for those interested in them.

But…

Jay and I will also try to put a smile or two on your faces as well, as always.

We hope you tune in and/or call-in at 661.244.9852

You can access our I’m With Stupid radio page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Must Be Off

Me...Jay...I'm With Stupid...Good...Listen...

Have a wunnerful day. I will be at the Beer Mine all day. It's warm and sunny, lotsa cleavage.


Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid Tonight at 6:30 PM EDT on Blog Talk Radio

Assuming we don't get raptured right before the show starts, it's a 50/50 proposition, we're talking social media and why it sucks.

Attention whores, braggers, whiners, internet 'tuff guys and all the other people who just flat piss us off.

And...the way there's always a "next big thing" in social media and the empty promises it all represents.

And we have a new sponsor that we will be unveiling this week too! All that and so much more!

So, if the rapture passes you by, join us and even call in at 661.244.9852 with your opinion. You know you have one or you wouldn't be using social media in the first place.

You can access tonight's show page by clicking HERE.

Cheers!!

Social Media Outlets...God Send and Snake Pit

Happy Friday Chuckleheads!!

The sun is finally shining in Bagwine and the temps are where they should be, which means two things.

Folks in the greater Bagwine metroplex will be in a good mood today, and when I man the Beer Mine later today, I won’t be wearing underwear. It’s a win-win for all!!

Anyhoo…

This past Tuesday I wrote about how nice it was to reconnect with an old friend and good memories via the magic that is Facebook, and subsequently post said story on the wonder that is Blogger.

I dig having access to social media outlets such as Facebook, Blogger, Twitter, Tumblr, and others, however…

While these amazing outlets provide instant information, the ability to voice one’s opinion, and indeed shrink the world from being a ginormous spheroid down to the size of a mere microchip, the have an ugly side as well.

And tomorrow on Blog Talk Radio at 6:30 PM EDT, I’m With Stupid will be discussing the ugly side of Social Media.

Jayman and I will let it all out and talk about things, people, and events on Facebook, Twitter, etc. that just flat out piss us the hell off.

Attention whores, crybabies, serial martyrs, and virtual bad asses, will all be in our crosshairs and we are going rogue, bitches.

In addition to our on-air catharsis…

Nostradamus will be on at the end of the intro music to recite one of his more obscure, yet incredibly accurate quatrains.

Jay has secured a topical show sponsor known by the acronym, PDSMSSUS, and trust me…many of you will want to utilize their services.

All of this plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tomorrow evening at 6:30 PM EDT.

We hope you join us by listening and/or calling in, and expressing to all the world what truly pisses you off with these various Social Media venues.

You can check us out on our BTR show page by clicking HERE.

Until then…I have to go pick out which pair of underwear I won’t be wearing to work today, and as always…

Cheers!!

Finally!! It's Summertime in Bagwine!!

After a month and a half of cold, shitty weather, the forecast for this weekend in Bagwine, Ohio is calling for temps near the 80 Degree mark, and...

My mood is slowly thawing out and improving.

Sure, I'll be working the Beer Mine most of the weekend, but that's fine, because warmth has finally come to Bagwine.

Along with the explosion of warmer weather comes the proliferation of summertime type events.

People throughout the Greater Bagwine Metroplex will finally be able to enjoy a myriad of warm clime, fun time activities... 

Some folks will hit the diamonds and play some baseball...

Others will hit the local lake at the state park and drown some worms...

The local state park also has great camping facilities that will surely be utilized this weekend...

Others may opt to simply stay home and enjoy the weather and a casual cookout with friends...

I know what Schmoop likes to do when it finally heats up.  She likes to find an opening in the time/space continuum, travel back to 1984, and go tubin' down the Mad River...

This is all exciting stuff for the denizens of our little burg, however, there is something even more exciting that happens when the weather heats up 'round here.

I not only work the Beer Mine while wearing no underwear, I begin to show off my incredibly sexy, massive, Adonis-like legs...

Uh-Huh...Try to calm down, O ladies of Bagwine; my legs will be showin' for a few months to come, so pace yourselves.

Yep.  It's summertime, and the Matt-Man is easy.

Cheers!!

Rain, Randomness, and Wild Irish Rose

All of the rain and cold temps we have had and continue to have, has seemingly waterlogged my grey matter and doused my synapses.

I can’t think straight. All I see is a misty fog clouding my view out the window and through osmosis clouding my mind…

Time for some Wild Irish Rose induced randomness and stream of consciousness to clear the old think melon.

On top of the god awful weather we’ve been having, as I type this, there’s either a chick with a huge dildo pleasuring herself above me on the third floor, or some dude with incredible stamina is bangin’ the hell out of her.

Either way, I don’t appreciate it, because I haven’t had sex in two or three weeks, and won’t for at least a another week. Keep in mind, that’s like seven years in a dog’s life…or something.

Some people in my life get angry or upset when I am not in a good mood, because they always expect me to Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky. I get really tired of that expectation at times. I just never say anything about it.

I had a funny thought the other day.

I wrote on Facebook…

“I traded the guy down the street the Bagwine car for his carnival/county fair type concession trailer. I should have thought the deal out more, because now I have nothing with which to pull the trailer.”

That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Even though I am a Liberal, I feel sorry for the Republicans. They just can’t seem to find a good candidate to run against Obama in 2012. 

So, being the selfless kinda guy that I am, I am going to become a Republican and run as their GOP candidate.

Of course, I have to get into a Republican frame of mind so…

I am going to have a baby with the maid…have gay sex…marry a chick and then divorce her as she lies dying in bed with cancer, and then have my parents (who are both dead by the way) pay them all off to the tune of $96,000 dollars a piece.

After that, I will appear with John Hagee, Rod Parsley, and Franklin Graham, and they can all attest to my lifelong family values and Christ-like virtuosity.

GOP problem solved, so…know your role and open wide Michele Bachmann, Matt-Daddy is in the driver’s seat and you’re gonna be my Vice-Presidential running mate.

Back to my funk…I have so soured in my attitude on life that I have even eschewed pictures of big tits. They just don’t do anything for me anymore.

I see big tits come through the Beer Mine. Everyone and their mother put their boobs on Twitter on Wednesdays under the guise of support of Breast Cancer Awareness.

Oy…Big tits are a dime a dozen.

If I do want to see a sexy picture these days, I am more into this type of shot…

Yeah I like that…Anyhoo…

Jayman and I do not simply do one I’m With Stupid show a week on Blog Talk Radio on Saturdays at 6:30 PM EDT, we just began doing a second show on Mondays at 11 AM EDT.

In case you missed our inaugural Monday show, you can catch it by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine:

 
Have a Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Fear and Loathing at Roosevelt Junior High School

It was a Friday night in April of 1979 and the gymnasium at Roosevelt Jr. High School was littered with a frenzy of excited, yet uneasy 7^th, 8^th, and 9^th graders.

A hundred or more teenagers had decided that night to ignore the social clumsiness of their teenage awkwardity, put their dollar down, and subject themselves to the possibility of ultimate rejection and humiliation, by attending a junior high dance.

I was there that night in all of my 14 year old, what is this testosterone you speak of, greenhorn glory, and…I remember it like it was yesterday.

Beneath a ceiling full of blue and white streamers, and under the watchful and amused eyes of teachers who were conned in to being chaperones, the kids danced in seizure like form to the music of Wild Cherry, Foghat, and KISS.

The boys and girls in loose confederation within the center of the gym, shook and grooved with their inhibitions unencumbered and their smiles illuminating the dance floor. And then? It happened…

As the KISS track faded into an echo, the DJ segued into a series of songs that were made for slow dancing.

The boys immediately went to one side of the gym and the girls to the other, and…

All of the hot, happy sweat resulting from the upbeat moves of the crowd, upon hearing Three Times a Lady by The Commodores manifested itself into a cold, clammy, devil-like taunt that inquired…

“Are you going to ask that person to dance.”

With each side firmly rooted within their respective gender specific garden of wallflowers, I saw a guy and a girl hiding in plain sight of each other.

They were looking at each other, but at the same time, not looking at each other. Acting disinterested, yet, incredibly interested and more importantly…hopeful.

The nausea of teenage angst and the risk of humiliation made both parties sick. The feelings of anxiety were only slightly allayed by making stupid jokes with their friends that resulted in nervous laughter.

And then, I saw them move towards one another. Which one moved first I cannot remember, but there they were in the middle of the gym that had grown so empty.

She in blue-gray polyester pants and scuffed up black half boots, and he in jeans and a hand me down shirt that never quite fit.

He could smell the scent of strawberry lip gloss on her lips and unfortunately, she caught a whiff of the TJ Swan Midnight Express on his, but…

They dared to dance. And dance they did, and before they knew it…The song was over, and that was that some 32 years ago.

I had forgotten about that night until a day or two ago.

You see…I was the guy, and a chick named Jenni was the girl, and oddly enough we bumped into each other.

We didn’t bump into each other like we did all those 32 years ago, but on Facebook.

We chuckled together because although neither of us can remember what we did five minutes ago, we both remember that dance. And? I like that.

I often complain about how impersonal the internet can be, but in this instance, I dig the 'net, because…

While that dance with Jenni in April of ‘79 may have appeared to last only three minutes, it has actually lasted 32 years. And?

It enabled me to say “Hi” to an old friend.

Cheers!!