Rain, Randomness, and Wild Irish Rose

All of the rain and cold temps we have had and continue to have, has seemingly waterlogged my grey matter and doused my synapses.

I can’t think straight. All I see is a misty fog clouding my view out the window and through osmosis clouding my mind…

Time for some Wild Irish Rose induced randomness and stream of consciousness to clear the old think melon.

On top of the god awful weather we’ve been having, as I type this, there’s either a chick with a huge dildo pleasuring herself above me on the third floor, or some dude with incredible stamina is bangin’ the hell out of her.

Either way, I don’t appreciate it, because I haven’t had sex in two or three weeks, and won’t for at least a another week. Keep in mind, that’s like seven years in a dog’s life…or something.

Some people in my life get angry or upset when I am not in a good mood, because they always expect me to Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky. I get really tired of that expectation at times. I just never say anything about it.

I had a funny thought the other day.

I wrote on Facebook…

“I traded the guy down the street the Bagwine car for his carnival/county fair type concession trailer. I should have thought the deal out more, because now I have nothing with which to pull the trailer.”

That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Even though I am a Liberal, I feel sorry for the Republicans. They just can’t seem to find a good candidate to run against Obama in 2012. 

So, being the selfless kinda guy that I am, I am going to become a Republican and run as their GOP candidate.

Of course, I have to get into a Republican frame of mind so…

I am going to have a baby with the maid…have gay sex…marry a chick and then divorce her as she lies dying in bed with cancer, and then have my parents (who are both dead by the way) pay them all off to the tune of $96,000 dollars a piece.

After that, I will appear with John Hagee, Rod Parsley, and Franklin Graham, and they can all attest to my lifelong family values and Christ-like virtuosity.

GOP problem solved, so…know your role and open wide Michele Bachmann, Matt-Daddy is in the driver’s seat and you’re gonna be my Vice-Presidential running mate.

Back to my funk…I have so soured in my attitude on life that I have even eschewed pictures of big tits. They just don’t do anything for me anymore.

I see big tits come through the Beer Mine. Everyone and their mother put their boobs on Twitter on Wednesdays under the guise of support of Breast Cancer Awareness.

Oy…Big tits are a dime a dozen.

If I do want to see a sexy picture these days, I am more into this type of shot…

Yeah I like that…Anyhoo…

Jayman and I do not simply do one I’m With Stupid show a week on Blog Talk Radio on Saturdays at 6:30 PM EDT, we just began doing a second show on Mondays at 11 AM EDT.

In case you missed our inaugural Monday show, you can catch it by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine:

 
Have a Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: A Personal Dichotomy

It’s going to be a snowy and blustery day in Bagwine, Ohio this Sabbath.

As I am manning the Beer Mine from 11-7 today, I ask for your prayers that the warmth and glow of the newly born Baby Jeebus keep me warm.

Funny thing about this time of year…

Christmas is over, but most folks are still in a good mood.

Maybe it’s the lingering aura of the Messiah’s afterbirth lying on the straw strewn floor of a Galilean manger; perhaps it’s more the anticipation of the New Year.

Who knows why the joy of Christmas lingers..?

Whether it’s a glob of supernatural, pacifistic placenta or the hopes of getting laid on New Year’s Eve, this time of year is wonderful.

I think that between the Nazarean Natality being celebrated (whether one believes or not), and the coming of the New Year, many people look at this time as a fresh start.

I dig the attitudes of the people that I encounter at this time of year. The sarcasm is softer. The cuss words are fewer…

My attempts of getting hot chicks that come through the Beer Mine to sleep with me, are met with a chuckle rather than a call to the police.

This is one of the few times that we celebrate the death and ending of something rather than mourning its passing. Its quite an odd, yet joyous time.

I am one who does not celebrate the passing of anything or anyone. Oh sure, when Jerry Falwell died, some said that I was glib and almost happy about it.

I was NOT happy about it. In fact, when Falwell keeled over, I was in grief over the fact that the Devil now had another foot soldier to serve within his army of sin.

I dread the day that Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and Rod Parsley kick the offertory bucket. When they do…Satan will have the group he once only dreamed of. But I digress…

Anyhoo…I don’t know where I was going with this. Maybe it is just a way to innoculate you to the fact that with the coming New Year, I may be introspective this week.

I know how you hate it when I am introspective rather being one who spews my 13 year old kid humor. So, I thought I’d give ya all a heads up.

Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheers!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the 1040Amen

The past two days I have written about ways to infuse much needed cash into our government, and spark the economy.

I spoke about prostitution profits on Tuesday…

And, smoking and drugs windfalls on Wednesday…

Today, the third of my four part Bagwine Economic Plan focuses on…Religion.

The old saying from World War II states, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.”

My plan calls for a new saying…

Praise the Lord, and cough up the money that you have been stealing from viewers in God’s name, you charlatan televangelist bastards, who claim to run a non-profit house of God…You!!

Okay…that was a little wordy, but you get my point.

You want to get a donation in return for some vial of “Holy Water” that is actually Hudson River sewage, over your 800 line?

Have at it…However.

When 78 year old Martha Smith sends in her $29.95, keep in mind that $20.00 of it will go to the government instead of the Lord Almighty…or in your case, a new wine cellar. Do you hear me Paul Crouch!?

We’re going to tax these so called churches...

Tax them to the point where it will be easier for these false prophets to get into Heaven than it will for a dollar to pass through their hands and make its way to a down payment on a 5 million dollar home.

Are ya with me Joyce Meyer?

And by the way Joyce…I know you think you look good, but seriously…

You really look like a cheap New Orleans whore who is soooooo past her prime.

And remember, turnin’ tricks for Jeebus is gonna cost you from now on.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, Kenneth Copeland…It will be a divine miracle if you have a penny left after I am through taxing you, and your “church”.

Of course, that doesn’t matter to you guys, because you have Jeebus in your hearts…right?

And lastly, a message to Pope Benedict XVI…

I realize that you claim to be infallible, but hear me now. You are not "intaxable".

Cough it up, Blitzkrieg Benny…The Catholic Church owes America about a Trinity of a Billion Dollars.

You can start the pay back by paying property taxes on the $470,000.00 house you just bought for the new Archbishop of Cincinnati.

God Forbid, he live above the Church in an apartment like the last Archbishop.

I know…I know…this wasn’t funny like the first two parts of my plan, but I can’t help it.

As much as I like religion, for far too long, and far too often, organized religion/churches have gotten away with economic sacrilege.

More than the Congress and politicians, these types of folks make my stomach turn.

You see, politicians play upon peoples’ fear and ignorance. While not right, fear and ignorance hold little worth.

Televangelists and clerics play upon peoples’ faith. That DOES have worth.

And more importantly, sometimes that is all people have.

Tax the Bastards...Amen.

Cheers!!

Update (9:25 A.M.): Well, well...Ha!! You rock , Joyce. You sleazy co-hunt, you.

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Feelin' guitly Joyce Meyer...or Art?

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You guys blow...in more ways than one...So sayeth the Little Baby Jeebus!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Out of My Way, I'm a Christian, Dammit!!

It’s a hot, hazy Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio today.

But…I am actually rested up from my “week off” and ready to get back to being myself.

I have to work all day today, but before I go, I have an actual sermon for all of us…Specifically, for all of us “Christians” in the audience.

Something hit me last night at about 9:15 P.M., in between my 14th beer and my second pint of Wild Irish Rose…

Christians, suck.

Now hold on Nellie, not true Christians, but those who profess to be Christians.

I laugh at some of these charlatans such as Rod Parsley, Paul Crouch, Joyce Meyer, and Benny Hinn, but far more dangerous is the hypocrisy that lies within our family, our neighbors, ourselves.

Far too often of late, I have been called a “fucking asshole”, a “jerk”, and a whatever body part one might like up his or her ass…

Typically, I don’t mind these aspersions…in fact, I usually find them funny. But these are words coming from self-professed “Christians”.

I do not proclaim to be anything other than an imperfect being. I make fun of myself on a regular basis…sometimes to a fault.

Why in this day is there a proliferation of people that claim to be Jeebus personified and whine that they are being persecuted?

People who claim to want to help others and yet complain about how their money is wasted on the less fortunate.

People who want eternal salvation for all, but demand a price from others here on Earth.

People who judge others while refusing to look in the mirror…

I have often taken shots at the Little Baby Jeebus, but religion aside, his message is something that everyone should agree upon.

The Golden Rule, The Sermon on the Mount, the sending back of the veal cutlet because it was under done and over priced…

I also like Lao-Tzu, the founder of Taoism. Both LT and JC were wise. No matter your religious bent or not, both ideologies are sound…They were not radicals.

Unless of course, being nice to people is a radical idea.

Amen, and Amen…

And now, our Sunday Serenade...a poem from the late, great, Dad of Matt-Man. From 30 years ago, an illustration of the height of Christian hypocrisy…

Reflections On Northern Ireland

What Christians, we,
on Sunday morn,
who to Christ
lip service give.

In song, in prayer,
we hear His words,
and touch the Book
that holds His Rule.

With wine and bread
we are all fed;
we hail the Cross
to be the Grail.

But darkness comes,
and in His name,
each side is led.

And Christ again
is crucified,
beside the wounded
and the dead.

©1981 JJM

Cheers!!

Catch Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

The First Amendment Rocks!! Amen...

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

--1st Amendment to the U.S. Constitution

I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between Church & State."

--Thomas Jefferson (Letter to the Danbury Baptists)

"practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States."

--James Madison (Principal architect of the Bill of Rights)

The 1st Amendment to our Constitution is the keystone upon which this great nation has been built.

Two hundred and thirty-two years into America’s existence, this simple, yet fantastic idea, is the one that still separates us from many other nations.

It allows PETA members to gather and protest the annual, Bowling with Possums tournament.

It makes possible the gut wrenchingly painful to watch Fox and Friends morning show…It guarantees me the right to call my neighbor a dick twizzling fuck nozzle. (And trust me, he is.)

I like that.

The First Amendment is also the catalyst for endless debate about prayer in school, and the teaching of Creationism.

Many overzealous, rapture ready Evangelicals claim that nowhere in the Constitution does it actually read, “separation of Church and State.”

That’s true…but nowhere in the Bible does it tell them send salvation money to freaks like Pastor Rod Parsley, or engage in incessant whining about how Christians are having their rights trampled upon.

I think it’s pretty clear, that the Constitution and the words above offered by Jefferson and Madison say that yes, a separation between the two entities is critical to the success of both the country and religion.

Can’t you pray in school now anyway? I mean hell, I used to pray before every Chemistry and Trig exam I took. Nobody prevented me from doing that.

Funny thing, my prayers were answered in Chemistry class…In Trig? Not so much.

The religious right should actually be against public, school-led prayer. After all, according to Matthew 6:5, one shouldn’t pray in public in order to be seen by man.

And Creationism?

That is something that is based on faith, not science. It doesn’t belong being taught along side of the Theory of Evolution.

If you want public prayer and the teaching of Creationism, send your pious little rug rat to a private school that offers those things.

I had a funny thought yesterday.

Some right wingers and Evangelicals in this country are eating up the Internet and Talk Radio rumors that Barack Obama is not a Christian, but rather, he is actually a raging Muslim.

He's not a Muslim, but if he was, I really wouldn’t care if he was, and if he's elected President, I want President Obama to do the following…

Hold a press conference in the Rose Garden, surrounded by some big time Evangelical leaders and announce that he will work to make school-led prayer a reality.

After the applause and shouts of “Praise Jeebus” die down, continue on by saying, “and those prayers will come straight from the Quran.”

Ha. Let’s see how fast those “Godly” fuckers discover that the Constitution does say that there should be a separation between Church and State.

When blogging this week leading up to the 4th of July, remember…

The 1st Amendment has made that possible.

Cheers!!

Who Can It Be Now?

A month or so ago I thought this was going to be a uneventful summer…

A summer being passed out on the couch from too much Bagwine.

But now…

My Presidential campaign is beginning to get in gear. I have some outside work now. And last night, things really took off.

When I got home around 9:15, I poured myself a glass of Wild Irish Rose, fired up a smoke, and sat at my computer.

I was bummed at first because none of you Bagwine heads had emailed me with naked pics of yourselves, but then...

There was a rap upon the apartment door.

I answered it. Lo and Behold it was the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Needless to say, I was surprised, because…well…It was Christ of all people…and he hadn’t stopped by the Bagwine digs since Good Friday.

I asked him why he knocked, and came in through the door rather than just appearing…He said that he wanted to surprise me.

What a nut. We just talked for a few…made fun of Pastor Rod Parsley, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer over of few blasts of Rose.

Hay-Zoos is a funny son of a bitch. He was telling me about the time he first met Mary Magdalene.

She said to him, “Are those the Twelve Tribes of Israel ‘neath ye robe, or art thou just joyful to see me?”

He said that he found her smoking hot and very funny so they had steamy, Messianic sex that very night.

He told me the funny thing was, the next morning when they awoke in each other’s arms, he put her sarcasm right back into her face.

He told Mary, “Wow, that was good, but I wish I had had a crucifix nailed to me ‘cause for a minute I thought I was going to fall in.”

HA…J-Man and I laughed our asses off. I asked him if Mary got mad.

He said, “Of course not, I’m Jesus, Bitch.” Hahahaha…He High-Fived me; we laughed again.

And then the Son of a Bitch, through the tears rolling down his face said to me...

“And then, hahahahaha, Matt-Man, I said unto Mary, ha, it’s okay if you gave me syphilis last night…I’ll just heal myself. Hahahahahaha.”

Christ is a Goddamn Hoot, I tell ya.

Man, had I missed him. But all good things come to a end.

He said, “I gotta be going. I have to go appear in one of Michelle Malkin’s dreams. Stupid ho, will probably mistake me for Osama Bin Laden…again.”

Before he left, I asked him if I would still be going to Heaven when I die.

He said to me, “Of course you will…You’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

Hahahahaha, more laughs and another Holy High-Five. I love that dude.

Shortly after my holy home boy scooted, the phone rang. It was an old pal asking me if I wanted to go camping with him.

Who was it?

Well, since tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, I guess you will have to come back Friday to find out.

Cheers!!

Lord How We Miss Ya, Jerry...

Last Thursday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Jerry Falwell.

I feel a duty to his memory to not let it go unscathed uncelebrated.

I asked God if I could do an interview with the Reverend Falwell, the Holy Honcho said that Jerry wasn’t exactly “nearby”.

Being the blessed old SOB that he his, however, G-Dawg gave me a phone number where I could reach Falwell.

Always the cut up, God said to me, prior to attending to a pre-scheduled, tectonic rattling of the Chinese landscape, “Matt-Man, consider this number a direct HOT-Line.”

So I called, and after a brief discussion on tax tips with Leona Helmsley who was running the switchboard, she put me through to Falwell…

Matt-Man: Reverend Falwell…Matt-Man here, how the hell are ya?

Falwell: Ahhhhh, Brother Matthew, I am basking in the light of the Lord…Amen.

Matt-Man: But aren’t you in Hell, Jerry?

Falwell: I cannot disclose that. But I will tell you that this place is hot, the meals consist of leper skin gruel, and the staff is currently redecorating a cell…er…I mean suite, for when Pastor Rod Parsley and Dick Cheney come to stay with us.

Matt-Man: Are you continuing to save souls in the afterlife there Jerry?

Falwell: Ohhh Brother Matthew…As soon as I arrived, I began to cure Hermann Goering of his homosexuality.

Matt-Man: How’s that workin’ out for ya?

Falwell: It was going fine, until last Tuesday, when Hermann allowed himself to be publicly sodomized by the Borgia family.

Matt-Man: Wow, that’s classic…did you take pictures?

Falwell: It was disturbing Brother Matthew, but kinda fun to watch a Nazi getting reamed by a group of greasy Spaniards. And who knew that Pope Alexander VI had such a huge schlong. I bet that left a mark. Ouch!!

Matt-Man: I have a few more ques….

Falwell: Oh I am sorry Brother Matthew, but it is time for my daily 4:15 burning at the stake…

Matt-Man: Sweet Baby Jeebus, that has to be painful, Jerr.

Falwell: It is, it is indeed. But it’s not as bad as when they extinguish the flames that engulf my body.

Matt-Man: Why is that?

Falwell: Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, and Joan Crawford drop trowel and piss on me until the fires recede. Brutal!!

Matt-Man: Well thanks for your time, Reverend.

Falwell: Anytime, Brother Matthew, and tell Joyce Meyer that I can’t wait to see her. I’m a huge fan.

And there you have it, my interview with the Jerr-Meister.

Have a lovely Monday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Faith is a Funny Thing

As you may know, Pope Benedict XVI has been here in the U.S. for the last couple of days.

Benny will even say Mass today at Yankee Stadium.

Can you imagine how many smelly, hung-over, micks and dagos will show up for Communion? Oy Vay!!

Of course, his visit cannot go without some type of controversy. Comedian Bill Maher has supplied that controversy.

This past week Maher, who is vehemently anti-all religions, referred to Blitzkrieg Benny as a Nazi who wears funny hats.

He also said that had Benedict been in charge of a chain of day care centers, instead of the Catholic Church, and covered up sex abuse, he would have been fired and jailed.

Oh the Humanity, Mr. Maher!! How dare thou!?

Outrage over these comments abound from the likes of Faux News and Crappie-Crunching whack jobs such as Catholic League President, William Donahue.

There have even been calls for a boycott of Maher’s TV show and for the network on which he appears, HBO.

My sage, spiritual words to those of you who are offended:

Get over yourselves, and suck it up, you whiny, thin-faithed bastards. Amen.

Be you Christian, Jewish, Muslim or one who worships the mochachina beauty of Tyra Banks’ breastesses, ignore the slings and arrows cast upon you.

I poke fun at Catholics, Jews, evangelicals such as Rod Parsley and Joyce Meyer, and will in the near future, take on Islam.

My religious rants hopefully have, and will continue to elicit a strong laugh from my readers; however…

If my satirical diatribes bring about an outrage in someone stronger than that of the intended humor...

Does that not mean that my words are more powerful than that person’s faith?

If one truly has faith, no matter what that faith may be;

No words, no jokes, no satire, should be able to shake that faith, or elicit the gnashing of teeth.

And that my friends, is my message for this Sunday.

Amen, and Amen.

And now for our Sunday Serenade…Since we have discussed the topic of jokes and the ensuing outrage, I offer you the following.

I am a big fan of the Bee Gees’ music up until they decided to adorn platform shoes and become the Belles of the Disco Ball.

Here is a tune that pre-dates those days.

I’ll be gone most of the day today, but I will catch up with all of you and your blogs tomorrow.

Cheers!!

If you get the chance, listen to Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Martin Luther King Jr.: In The Name Of Love

April 4, 1968...A shot rings out in the Memphis sky.

On the second floor balcony of the Lorraine Motel, Martin Luther King, Jr. lay dying.

Assassinated by the hate and the rifle of James Earl Ray and Ray’s co-conspirator, Raoul*

Eh, he’s probably better off dead…

In this era of the 24 Hour news cycle, 8,000 cable networks, TMZ, and feigned moral outrage, King would be toast…more specifically, MLKtoast.

The good Reverend had too many skeletons in his closet to be effective as a leader in these times of public uber-scrutiny.

King’s improprieties would be exposed on a nightly basis by the likes of such journalistic giants as O’Reilly, Hannity, and Olberman.

Let me tell you…Much like FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover who kept tabs upon him, King was a big fan of pleasures of the flesh.

However, unlike Hoover, King enjoyed bangin’ the babes rather than dressing up in panty hose and hi-heels and being spanked by a well hung G-Man.

King’s sexcapades would be all over the cable outlets and streaming live on the internets.

He would be branded as a sexed-up charlatan, a man of questionable finances, and a demagogic preacher.

But of course, the major black mark against him would be the sex.

Americans become outraged because hot, immoral sex is in violation of the word of Gawd, and because they’re jealous that they aren’t getting any.

King wasn’t merely a hooker hugging Governor, or a toe tappin’ U.S. Senator. This man was a sexual juggernaut.

Screw the Nobel Peace Prize, King should have been awarded the Nobel Piece Prize!!

When King spoke about “goin’ to the mountain top” or the “solid rock of brotherhood” he wasn’t talk about justice my friends.

Hell, even though he preached that all men are created equal, King knew that some men were more equal than others.

And the brother took full advantage. I salute you Dr. King.

I for one, am glad King went out on top…for two reasons.

If he were around today and was branded as a sexed up preacher man who needed money for his cause, that would make him just another Pastor Rod Parsley or T.D. Jakes.

The other reason?

If I can take innuendo and rumor and turn it into a scathing report on MLK’s character, can you imagine what Bill O’Reilly and his ilk could do to him?

I am outta here later this morning. Enjoy your Friday and your weekend all.

Cheers!!

*Raoul was James Earl Ray’s imaginary friend who was everything that Ray wasn’t. Namely, smart, well-spoken, and bathed regularly.