Rain, Randomness, and Wild Irish Rose

All of the rain and cold temps we have had and continue to have, has seemingly waterlogged my grey matter and doused my synapses.

I can’t think straight. All I see is a misty fog clouding my view out the window and through osmosis clouding my mind…

Time for some Wild Irish Rose induced randomness and stream of consciousness to clear the old think melon.

On top of the god awful weather we’ve been having, as I type this, there’s either a chick with a huge dildo pleasuring herself above me on the third floor, or some dude with incredible stamina is bangin’ the hell out of her.

Either way, I don’t appreciate it, because I haven’t had sex in two or three weeks, and won’t for at least a another week. Keep in mind, that’s like seven years in a dog’s life…or something.

Some people in my life get angry or upset when I am not in a good mood, because they always expect me to Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky. I get really tired of that expectation at times. I just never say anything about it.

I had a funny thought the other day.

I wrote on Facebook…

“I traded the guy down the street the Bagwine car for his carnival/county fair type concession trailer. I should have thought the deal out more, because now I have nothing with which to pull the trailer.”

That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Even though I am a Liberal, I feel sorry for the Republicans. They just can’t seem to find a good candidate to run against Obama in 2012. 

So, being the selfless kinda guy that I am, I am going to become a Republican and run as their GOP candidate.

Of course, I have to get into a Republican frame of mind so…

I am going to have a baby with the maid…have gay sex…marry a chick and then divorce her as she lies dying in bed with cancer, and then have my parents (who are both dead by the way) pay them all off to the tune of $96,000 dollars a piece.

After that, I will appear with John Hagee, Rod Parsley, and Franklin Graham, and they can all attest to my lifelong family values and Christ-like virtuosity.

GOP problem solved, so…know your role and open wide Michele Bachmann, Matt-Daddy is in the driver’s seat and you’re gonna be my Vice-Presidential running mate.

Back to my funk…I have so soured in my attitude on life that I have even eschewed pictures of big tits. They just don’t do anything for me anymore.

I see big tits come through the Beer Mine. Everyone and their mother put their boobs on Twitter on Wednesdays under the guise of support of Breast Cancer Awareness.

Oy…Big tits are a dime a dozen.

If I do want to see a sexy picture these days, I am more into this type of shot…

Yeah I like that…Anyhoo…

Jayman and I do not simply do one I’m With Stupid show a week on Blog Talk Radio on Saturdays at 6:30 PM EDT, we just began doing a second show on Mondays at 11 AM EDT.

In case you missed our inaugural Monday show, you can catch it by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine:

 
Have a Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Muammar Gaddafi: Let's Rein on Bahrain!!

It’s Hump Day Hodgepodge Day so let’s see what’s happenin’…

My buddy Muammar Gaddafi is getting crap from his ungrateful citizens in Libya, so…

I am going to take him with me eastward so we can slap some ungrateful bitches upside the head who are trying to depose the King in Bahrain.

Fuck these uppity Libyans and Bahranians…They need a smack down. And M-Gad and I are just the ones to give it to them.

In addition to doing I’m With Stupid on Thursday, I am meeting up with a chick with whom I went to High School. While I’m not a huge fan of “glory days”….

She’s a cutie; I like her, and she took the time to look me up, so I dig her and am having sex meeting up with her.

My BFF/OSP Schmoop for the first time ever, exhibited typical PMS traits last night. It freaked me out. She has never done that before. I still find her incredibly cute, because…

She noticed it too, and apologized. Who am I kidding?

While she did apologize, Schmoop could have not apologized and I would still find her cute. Anyhoo…

I’m getting tired with Twitter…The funny parts of it do not make up for the “look at me” and the self-induced drama that occur.

I’ll watch people tweet, comment once in awhile, but oy…I’ll take it for what it’s worth.

This week, Dim Bulb Charlie attacked the public employees in Wisconsin, and said that taking away their rights to have a union was much needed.

I love the Charlie, and his readers, especially a chick named Sandee who was a public sector employee until she retired who said this:

The dems (sic) want everything equal then why aren't these folks paying the same freight as the average American? Greed. Plain and simple. They need to put on their big girl panties and be thankful they have a job.

After I pointed out her public service pension, she said this:

I'm not going to feel guilty about cashing my check each month either. Never have and never will.

Oh and thanks to my retirement check I can travel across this county and go on a cruise to the Eastern Caribbean. Life is grand. :)

Seriously…Is it just me; or am I stupid, and missing something? I used to work for the State of Ohio.

You know why I quit? Because I didn’t do a damn thing, and wanted out, and yet, Charlie and his ilk give me shit. Un-fucking-believable. With that being said…

Most public workers as it should be noted, are hard working just like you, looking down the nose private sector workers, so suck it.

Anyhoo, once again…I say unto you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

It’s Wednesday folks, so you know what that means. That’s Right…

Time for some Hump Day Hodgepodge!!

I find it ironic that while Egyptians are on the brink of realizing social and economic reforms, public sector workers in Ohio, Wisconsin, and other states here in the U.S., are on the brink of being stripped of their Collective Bargaining rights.

I heard Tuesday that Christina Aguilera’s divorce is final. That hot, Star Spangled musically dyslexic chick is all mine now. Advise your lawyer now honey, the Matt-Man is coming after you.

Schmoop received her Federal Income Tax refund the other day; today she is foolishly blowing the money on selfish, prurient interests…I hope she feels much guilt over the lascivious, instant gratification of having new tires put on the car. Whore!!

I like tacos.

In exactly three weeks, I am giving up the cigarettes. I am already having weird dreams about my smoke-free future. Last night I dreamed that I was having sex with a hot, busty babe whose name was Phillip Morris.

While Ryno and his teammates had a rough night Tuesday during their basketball game, the coolest thing happened just minutes before tip-off.

As everyone stood for the National Anthem, Ryno happened to look up into the stands. He saw me sitting in my usual, secluded seat and gave me a wink, a nod, and a smile. That more than compensated for the loss that ensued.

I dig Lawrence O’Donnell, but last night he claimed that a cartoon by Batton Lash and James Hudnall that features Barack and Michelle Obama to be racist in nature…

(click to enlarge)

I don’t find it to be racist…I just find it to be incredibly unfunny.

And now…Something that is funny. A promo for I’m With Stupid!!

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating the Executive Branch of our nation with our President’s Day Extravaganza.

We will be discussing our fave Presidents, chatting about our brushes with Presidential fame, and taking your calls.

Marty Martenstein may very well have an exclusive interview with the late William Henry Harrison, and IWS has a sponsor for this week’s show.

It’s a new chain of Presidentially-inspired restaurants called: Air Force YUM!!

I hope you can join us and call-in Thursday at 11 PM EST. You can access our radio show page by clicking HERE.

Happy Hump Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Gov. Robert Bentley...It's a Family Affair!!

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

As I type this, I am hyped up!!

Hyped up because my kid got an F on his Geometry test; I just downed a bottle of NOS, and Michele “Bat Shit Crazy” Bachmann is on TV and she gives me much wood.

Somebody Stop Me!!

Anyhoo…Let’s do some Hump Day Hodgepodge.

From the philosophical mouth of newly elected Alabama Governor Robert Bentley, here’s a quote we should all live by:

''Now I will have to say that, if we don't have the same daddy, we're not brothers and sisters. So anybody here today who has not accepted Jesus Christ as their savior, I'm telling you, you're not my brother and you're not my sister, and I want to be your brother."

So folks, if you’d like to be Gov. Robert Bentley’s brother or sister, accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, and you’ll become his sister or brother…which is cool, because I think in Alabama that will allow you to marry him as well.

Speaking of the Holy Baby Jeebus, I was reading some old posts and came across this J-Man cartoon that never fails to crack me up:

Ha and Boy Howdy!! That’s some good stuff right there.

I felt bad today.

This morning while taking Schmoop to work, I was getting irritated by the fact that I had to wait for what seemed like an hour while some little kid boarded the school bus.

After the little shit FINALLY boarded the bus and moved along allowing us to pass, my irritation turned to self-loathing.

The side of the school bus read, Clark County Developmental Disabilities. I shall never curse a school bus again.

And now…A shameless promotion for I’m With Stupid!!

Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and myself will be airing our Unemployment Show!!

Itsa gonna be HUGE!!

We’re going to talk about the funnier and irritating things about my present, “Lunch is on you Uncle Sam” time, and Jay will speak to his past experience being on the public buffet.

We will also be discussing and previewing next week’s State of the Union Address, touch upon the “new civility” in Washington, D.C., and there will be a, Moment of Matt-Man’s OCD.

All of this and your phone calls Thursday at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid.

So listen in and call in. Our I’m With Stupid page can be accessed by clicking HERE, and the call-in number is 661.244.9852

Have a wonderful Hump Day and as always…

Cheers!!

Hodgepodgical Hump Day

Okay you chuckleheads…Time for some Hump Day Hodgepodge. Let’s rip it up!!

There wasn’t a Varsity basketball game, but my son Ryno did have a JV game Tuesday evening. How did he do you ask?

4 of 9 from 3 pt. range and a 2 pointer for a total of 14 pts.

Oddly, the two pointer he sank was the first time all season he has made anything other than a three pointer. He also had four rebounds, four assists, and played some damn good defense which yielded 4 steals.

Here’s to the R-Man and the team as a whole as they won 56-38. His next games (JV and Varsity) are this Saturday night. Godspeed my seed, Godspeed.

Since my eyesight uncorrected is nearly 20/800, it’s fun to take my glasses off and look at the lights on the Christmas tree. It’s like experiencing the fun of dropping acid without the adverse side affects.

Schmoop is in day three of her monthly shedding of her uterine lining. It hasn’t knocked her on her ass quite as badly this month as it usually does, and we’re happy about that.

Nonetheless…

Thursday night at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid’s Hot Blogger Chicks and Sexy Twitter Babes episode, our lusty correspondent Kim Fragile will have a live remote report from Schmoop’s uterus. Fun for the entire family!!

My mom has been gone nearly five years, but I thought of her yesterday. I was working on a hit piece about someone and I thought of something she would frequently ask of me…

“Matthew, why do you always have to see how far you can push people?”

I would always reply, “Because it’s fun, Mom!!”

We would both chuckle, although she’d be shaking her head while doing so. The thought of her made me smile.

Something I learned New Year’s Eve that, like Al Gore, will remain forever seared into my memory is this…

Even if there is an uber-special on pork roast and you can get a 4 pound piece of pig for 10 bucks?

Don’t buy it if there are only two of you who are going to eat it. The Schmoopster and I still have fucking loads of oink meat in the fridge!!

Now, if I could get 4 pounds of bacon for 10 bucks, we could eat that type of pig in a single sitting.

Lessee, what else?

Oh. The funniest thing I heard over the recent holidays was as follows…

Christmas morning after Ryno opened all his presents, I was sitting on the couch with his mom who was talking to her mom on the phone.

Ryno was laying on the floor tossing his new basketball in the air and catching it.

Well, evidently the size, roundness, and smoothness of the new ball made him think of my bald head, because out of the blue, with ball in hand, he turned to me and asked:

“Dad? Do you still have to use shampoo?”

The boy is a riot.

Happy Hump Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

I'm With Stupid: Raw Or Not At All

Hiya Kidz and welcome to my world.

A world that is so over-the-top busy that I can’t stand it. Let me tell ya…

There is no rest for the unemployed, and I am walking around like a zombie jacked up on NOS.

Put me in a dress, slap me on the ass, and call me Sally, ‘cause I’m feelin’ hyped and HAWT!!

Anyhoo…

Much to do today, so much like Jethro Clampett, I ciphered that this would be a good time to do a show promo for I’m With Stupid.


Tomorrow at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid, Jayman and I are going raw. Uh-huh, that’s right…we’re goin’ there.

Thursday night the tubes of the internets will be plugged up tightly by the manic meanderings of Jay and myself.

We will report on some upcoming College bowl games that you may not have heard about.

Jayman has set up a live remote from the Sun Bowl where the Catholics of Notre Dame and the Convicts of the University of Miami will be doing battle.

I will be doing an exclusive interview with my lovely and sensitive ex, and scheduled to appear if he gets his head out of his ass is, Samuel L. Jackson.

Also…

Hopefully, if the words come together I will have a new topical Christmas season type song fer yuz.

Other than that, Jay and I will be playing it by ear and going without script, AND……

We’ll both be naked, so you’d better tune in and accost our naked bodies with your phone calls.

Holy Shit, folks….is this big or what!? Damn right it is.

That’s, I’m With Stupid, on Blog Talk Radio, Thursday night at 11 PM EST.

To get to our radio page, simply click HERE.

You’ll be glad ya did.

Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Many of you in the Midwest experienced some violent weather Tuesday and we did too. However…

While some areas near me got hammered, Bagwine proper did not suffer anything devastating.

I did shoot two minutes of the storm that passed through Bagwine as Drive-By Mikey and I were at the Beer Mine…



That was pretty much it. I was hoping for more meteorological excitement, but alas, it was not to be.

I’m off all day today, and you know what that means…Damn Right!! Drinking and Cooking!!

It is Chicken Shit night at the Bagwine Digs. I will be making my recent culinary invention once again and it will look, as it did the last time, something like this…

I may have a new twist. And, if the new twist meets Schmoop’s approval, there me be Hump Day sex in my future.

Today I will also be prepping hard with the Jayman in order to get this week’s installment of I’m With Stupid ready for our Friday night broadcast on Blog Talk Radio.

Friday night you say? That’s right, Bitches!!

Due to a change in my Beer Mine schedule, I’m With Stupid is moving to 11 PM EDT beginning this Friday October 29th.

Friday’s show will be our, I’m With Stupid Halloween Party.

We will have Halloween related movie promos for you, discuss our Halloween Party horror stories, and of course our weekly I’m with Stupid football picks which will include some college games this week.

We hope you will join us, listen in, and call-in to discuss all things Halloween such as the most creative and or funny costumes you or your friends have worn.

It will be ghoulish laughs galore, and blood curdling screams of hilarity this Friday at 11 PM EDT on, I’m With Stupid.

You can go to our Blog Talk Radio page by clicking: HERE.

And don’t forget kidz…As tomorrow is Thursday here on Bagwine Ruminations there will be another award-winning installment of, He Said…She Said.

Schmoop and I do so enjoy doing those. But…

As Jay and I have a short week to prepare our weekly radio nightmare, I must now bid you adieu.

Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

How about a little Hump Day Hodgepodge, today? Great!!

Tuesday at work was a killer. The 10-9 shift is a long day in itself, but once again it seemed like 80% of the day’s business was compressed into the three hours between 5 and 8.

Holy Cow, it was smokin' busy, and I was injured as well.

I fucked up my back lifting and twirling 30 packs of beer and then smashed my right elbow into the steel doorframe between the office and the drive-thru section of the Beer Mine.

I am glad I am off today so I can recuperate before going back Thursday at 5. Take me away Wild Irish Rose!!

I may see if Jay is available to talk today so we can do our always intensive show prep for the, I’m With Stupid Blog Talk Radio broadcast this coming Sunday.

Speaking of our show, Jay and I talked a couple of weeks ago about “creative” cuisine. I mentioned my less than successful attempt to make liver in the crockpot once.

I remembered at work Tuesday that I shot a video of Schmoop complaining about it the day it happened.

So, if you have never seen it, and/or would like to check out Schmoop’s purrrr-rific legs, here’s the video of the “Crockpot Liver Incident”…

There’s a lot in the news about the California Governor’s race and how Jerry Brown, one of his aides, or maybe even his wife was caught on a phone message calling his GOP opponent, Meg Whitman, a whore.

Two things, here…

First of all, as so many others, I find it hilarious that in the news reports, people refuse to say, “whore”. They say something like, “Brown called Whitman a word that rhymes with, snore.” I say to these “professionals” grow the fuck up.

The second thing and perhaps the most important thing about this “controversy” is this…

Since being called a whore by the Brown camp, has Whitman denied the allegation?

Hell, no!!

This needs further looking into because I think I have stumbled upon two things here…Meg Whitman is a WHORE, and I am fucking brilliant!!

That’s it for today, with the exception of a couple of notes.

Thursday I will be doing another installment of He Said…She Said with Schmoop. If it’s like last Thursday’s episode, you’ll want be sure to read it and chime in. Fun stuff!!

Also, if you’d like to be this Friday’s I’m With Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week, e-mail Jayman or I with your photo along with what makes you smart, and we'll put your picture up on the IWS website come Friday.

Please though…no completely nude shots (breasts included). I was scolded by our Executive Producer for putting one up last Saturday.

That's it...and now, I must spend Wednesday healing up and show prepping. It’s a good thing that I have plenty of Rose, smokes, and beer on hand.

Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Mexican Ice

Happy Hump Day, you lovable perverts, you.

I don’t have a whole lot for you today because I have been doing show prep* for the test show that Jay-Man and I will be doing on Blog Talk Radio at 11:30 A.M. (EDT) today.

I do have a brief report and pictures of an incident that took place at the Beer Mine on Monday afternoon.

If you know about the Beer Mine, you know that it is manned by Pizza Bill, Little Bill, myself, and our fearless owner, Drive-By Mikey.

But…

Others contribute to the success of the establishment as well.

Awhile back, I mentioned our Mexican ice delivery guy, Luis. Like clockwork, Luis shows up every Monday afternoon between three and four.

The last three weeks though, we have had a substitute driver. The sub said that Luis was temporarily working another route.

Drive-By Mikey and I however, thought perhaps that Luis went to Arizona on vacation, left his papers back in Ohio, and in spite of his citizenship, had been deported.

Fortunately, that was not the case. Luis showed up to our wind tunnel of alcoholic love on Monday afternoon and to welcome him back, I took some pictures…

This is the always affable Luis…

This the back of Luis’ truck when he backed in to load our ice machine…

Unbeknownst to Luis, this is what the back of Luis’ truck looked like when he drove off…

Ha…Luis’ next stop was ten minutes away from The Beer Mine. Needless to say, ten minutes and thirty seconds later, Mikey got a call from Luis.

It was filled with laughter, and expletives in both English and Spanish. And, the conversation included Luis saying to Mike:

“You guys suck. I wondered why the hell drivers were passing me, and fucking looking at me funny.”

Here’s to having Luis’ and his questionable looking papers being back at The Beer Mine. And to make up for the prank, I play this in his honor…

Happy Hump Day, All.

Cheers!!

*By show prep, I mean that I have been drinking quite a bit as I check out our Blog Talk Radio page saying to myself…

“Hey this is neat.” “What’s this do?” “What will we talk about?” “Oh Dear God, what hath Jay wrought?”

The Rain King

“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”

---Clifton Fadiman

A few weeks ago, in the ass crack heat of summer, I managed to traverse across the thin ice of stupidity and fell into the frozen waters of being a hurtful asshole.

I can accept that. I can take my lumps. I can accept full responsibility. I can, and did apologize.

I thought things had progressed past that instance of anger, sadness and my own self-loathing, but since this past Saturday and up to the writing of this?

It’s as though people knowingly and unknowingly want to throw me back into the arctic waters of feeling like an asshole…like a loser.

Saturday was a bitch at work. The rude exuded and permeated my entire day.

Saturday night, for a myriad of reasons, was a horror show and I was the guest star.

Sunday at work was actually quite friendly, but then I pulled a muscle in my right forearm while spinning a 30 pack of Best Light. Nothing like adding physical injury to emotional insult. It still fucking hurts.

When I got home, I was met by an email from a woman who has been a friend for thirty years. I smiled, read it, replied back, and then I thought…

You know Matt. You have tried to keep in touch with her for some time now, and she never really gets back with ya. But now, since her love life is fucked up and she has a question about her union contract, she gets a hold of you.

That’s kinda shitty; dontcha think?

And I answered myself…

Yes, yes it is.

During this period of renewed pox on Matty-Boy’s house, I was told that the Blog Talk Radio Show that Jay and I will be doing, will suck.

That’s so nice. I love encouragement from those close to me.

I got a call recently as well from Ryno’s mom. She thought it would be nice if I could add another ten bucks a week to what she’s getting.

Although with a sterling backbone and fortitude I flatly told her no; it pissed me off.

She knows that whenever I have extra cash, I pass some of it along, but I don’t right now. She just keeps pushin’. I hate it.

I don’t know. I mean, I know I fucked up awhile back and undoubtedly will again in some form or fashion, but none of the good I have done is remembered.

All of the negatives seem to be raining down on me. And, it made me think of a Counting Crows song and when I listen to it, at least in this speck of time, I think of myself...

Oh well, I am off today, so I’ll crank up 'The Crows, drink a few beers, and work on the impending BTR show…even though of course, it’s doomed to suck.

Have a wonderful Hump Day, folks. I am going to do my damndest to do the same.

Cheers!!

Hump Day: From Ho-Hum To Wacky And Wild

I’m off today. After working eleven hour shifts on both Monday and Tuesday as I always do, my feet and my patience with assholes welcome it, however…

There is something odd about being off on Wednesdays. It’s like I am the only one who is off. I’m always alone.

Schmoop’s at work sitting at her desk, while her hoo-ha is performing the monthly ritual of shedding what we hope is the last of her eggs.

My son is at basketball practice and weightlifting.

I have no car because Schmoop has it. Oh sure, I could take her to work and keep the car, but what would I do?

Everyone else I know, and like, are at work as well. It’s just me, the cat, and the radio. And well, plenty of beer.

Typically on Wednesdays, I play music all day while I hang out on Twitter, catch up on blogs, and check in on Facebook.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, and the computer. And well, plenty of beer.

Sure I try to sexually accost women on Twitter as I pound some beers, ’cause, well…I get horny when I drink…hornier than usual that is.

This Wednesday, my horniness will be exacerbated because as I mentioned, Schmoop’s basement is flooding, so there’s no hope for relief when she gets home.

I’ll have to take care of myself and manhandle the Matt-Meat.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, and my hand. And well, plenty of beer.

I pace through the apartment a lot as I drink, annoy people on Twitter, and think of funny things to write.

My pacing? It drives the asshole who lives beneath us nutty. He hates the creaking and the noise.

Sometimes, when Schmoop and I vacuum? We will just let the vacuum sit and suck the same spot for five minutes, Ha. He goes ballistic. I could do that today.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, and the vacuum. And well, plenty of beer.

I don’t want to call my friend Richard, The Crazy Cat Man in Columbus, but probably will.

We have unlimited long distance so it’s not quite as painful listening to him talk about his impending knee replacement, how one of his 18 cats died in a tragic garbage disposal accident, or as he states…

Every Republican and most Democrats want to eat your children, regurgitate them, and turn them into Zombies.

So actually…it’s me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, and the phone. And well, plenty of beer.

That’s quite a bit of cool shit. If only I had a special friend with whom to share it. Would you like to be my special friend?

‘Cause if you became my special friend for the day…

It would be me, the cat, the radio, the computer, my hand, the vacuum, the phone, and my special friend.

Holy Cow!! If that happened, and with all of that cool stuff at our disposal, my Hump Day would go from Ho-Hum to Wild and Wacky in no time.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Name Game

I haven’t done this in ages and many newer Bagwine readers may not be aware of something that my brother Marte’ and I do often.

It’s called the name game and it brings out the twelve year old in both of us, and…it can be quite annoying.

Now, it’s not like the, “Jack, Jack Bo-Back…Banana-fana Fo-fack” Name Game song. It is an exercise in fun using famous names.

For instance, one can say, Does Bob Hope? Is Al Green? Was Huey Long? Does Bill O’Reilly? You get the idea.

Marte’ once sent me an e-mail with a subject line that read: “Is Emily Post-Menopausal?”

Juvenile, perhaps, but I laughed my ass off. Contained in his message, along with some rant about how this big gray squirrel in his backyard was telling him to kill the Pope, my brother asked, “Where Did Henry Cabot Lodge?”

I laughed again, and then pondered the question. After a moment I replied back to him, “He probably stayed at the, Oliver Wendell Holmes.” Oh, how I crack myself up.

Another good one that my brother came up with was, Did Henry David Thoreau to Second?

Others that come to mind are: Did Cyndi Lauper Head Off? Why was Richard Nixon all of their ideas?…and, What did Harriet Beecher Stowe in her footlocker?

The best thing about this, is that if you do this continually while out drinking with friends, it becomes highly annoying.

My brother and I did this a few years back while out with some folks including my brother Vince.

Now Vince, became extremely pissed off as my bro and I rattled off such things as: What did Cary Grant? Is Elizabeth Barrett Browning the sausage? Did Bob Dole out Viagra?

As we rattled on precipitously, Vince’s face became the hue and consistency of a rotting plum.

As the vein in his face swelled to the size of pregnant fire hose, we continued the moniker onslaught in spite of our tears of laughter, finally offering up a critical blow, “Did George McGovern the Hamburglar?”

Vince stood up upon his wobbly, hops and barley soaked legs and screamed, “God Damn It, Stop It!! Both of you SHUT UP…Jeez, you stupid motherfuckers!!”

This of course led to more laughter on our part, that air grasping, beer spewing, “I don’t think I’m going to live” type of laughter.

Vince insisted on being taken home after I, through my oxygen starved body managed in staccato to say: Is Oscar Wilde?

So there you have it, fun and annoyance with famous names. Try it yourself, just remember…

There can be no words within the name. They have to be either before the name and/or after.

Happy Hump Day, and…

One very important thing before I go.

My buddy Lu directed an incredible act of kindness toward me yesterday. While I have come to expect nothing but utter thoughtfulness from her, this act was unexpected and incredibly sweet.

I feel the need to say thanks to her and let her know that she has been my friend for some time now, and a friend of mine she will forever remain.

Thanks Lu. In this oft times chaotic and not so nice world, your goodness is one of the few constants.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Thanks, Oops, And Halloween

It’s another Hodgepodgical Hump Day here at Bagwine Ruminations.

First up…I want to thank of all of you who left a comment, sent an e-mail, or even did an entire post (Jay-Man!!) in order to offer advice to my son and address his lack of effort in his first year of High School.

I printed your pearls of wisdom and personal stories off and put them into a nice, book type portfolio which was graciously stolen supplied by Schmoop.

The book looks very nice and the contents of each page are what make it an instant classic.

I gave the book to Ryan’s mom Tuesday morning so she could read it at work prior to handing it off to Ryan.

She gave it to him after work yesterday. He read each and every one your offerings, and in the words of his mom, “He was very touched.”

He was puzzled as to why people who do not know him would take the time to do such a thing, but his puzzlement became secondary.

Ryno’s mom, said that while he was reading it, he would periodically laugh, mostly looked thoughtful, and a couple of times his big brown eyes welled up. He likes it…a lot.

I was working so I didn’t get to talk to him very long, but he is already asking me about each of you.

I don’t know how effective your efforts will be upon him, but I do know he digs the thought, and Saturday we’ll talk more about what was written and I’ll let him know what a bunch of perverted psychopaths you all are.

I thank you all for helping me to reach through his thick head and wake that boy up. You’re all top notch.

I screwed up at work yesterday…

It was my first major one in the nearly 18 months since I’ve been working in the Beer Mine. A customer drove in and wanted a 12 pack of Non-Alcoholic beer. This person asked me what kind we had, and I said, “Old Milwaukee N/A.”

Well, the patron took said 12 pack from me, paid, and drove off. A few minutes later, I went to re-stock the Old Milk N/A, when I discovered something odd. There wasn’t one missing. Are ya seeing what happened?

I gave said customer REAL Old Milwaukee not the N/A version. Holy Cow…I may have messed this person up, because it was never returned.

I feel like I’m in the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry sat a drink down near Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend at a Christmas party, the guy accidentally drank it, and fell off the wagon. Damn, I feel badly about it.

Speaking of work…Halloween Weekend? I am working ALL FUCKING WEEKEND!! Damn straight bitches. I’m closing Friday the 30th. Working 11A-9P on the 31st, and all day the following Sunday.

Boy I tell ya…When Mikey, Little Bill, and Pizza Bill screw someone they leave no doubt that they were there. Lousy Bastards!!

It does have its upside…There should be some scantily clad Halloween chicks coming through that night. I’ll make sure to take pictures.

I think I may dress up as well. I was thinking as going as a Priest. I need to be able to move around to do my job, so that might work pretty well.

I would like to dress up as Jeebus Christ but I worry about that.

What if towards the end of the night some already drunked up customer comes through and sees Jesus waiting on him or her, and freaks out?

That probably wouldn’t be good…Although it would be pretty God Damn funny. Let me re-think that idea.

Happy Hump Day, All!!

Cheers!!

Qaddafi, Brothers, and Fantasy Football

I have a bit of Hump Day Hodgepodge for you all today. Shall we begin? Great…

If you read Bagwine Ruminations yesterday you are aware that I talked about the residents of Englewood, New Jersey being none too pleased that Muammar Qaddafi may hold a soiree on the Libyan estate located there next month when he comes to address the United Nations.

Karen of, Smiling Through It All, suggested in her comment to me that since she lives near Englewood, she could tell Qaddafi through Mayor Wildes that he is welcome at The House of Bagwine and that he should pay me a visit.

I thought about her comment for a second, and then said to myself:

“Damn right he’s welcome here. I’d dig the chance to meet him and his cadre of sexy, female bodyguards.”

So ladies and gentlemen…I fired off an e-mail to the Libyan Mission office at the UN. What follows is a copy of said e-mail:

Dear Diplomatic Corps of Libya,

I have read that your Leader Muammar Qaddafi will be in the U.S.A. next month to address the U.N. General Assembly.

I have also read that many people in the State of New Jersey are complaining that he may want to entertain guests at the property that the Libyan Government owns in Englewood, N. J.

I am offering you the opportunity to visit my apartment in Ohio. If you want to see how a typical American couple lives, you are more than welcome to stop by our place and stay awhile. I'll even cook for you and your bodyguards. Purrrrrr.

I have even dedicated my daily article to the ghastly non-welcome you are receiving from the residents of New Jersey. Here's the link:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/08/muammar-qaddafi-muammar-gaddafihowever.html

If you are interested in familiarizing yourselves with "typical" Americans and being welcome at the same time, please let me know, and we'll set something up. It would be an honor and a pleasure.

I hope that you and your folks are enjoying your Ramadan season, and please let me know if we can make this visit happen.

Sincerely,

Matt-Man
Springfield, Ohio
xxx.xxx.xxxx (phone number)
www.bagwine.blogspot.com

I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I hope to soon. Thanks for the idea Karen. I’ll get you an autographed picture of Muammar should he take me up on my invitation.

If you’d like to help me in my quest to bring Qaddafi to my home, you can e-mail the UN Mission of Libya at the following address: libya@un.int

Tell them Matt-Man is a helluva guy and a great host. Thank You.

Next item…I just found out a couple of days ago that over the last few months, that the Chicago Sun-Times has published 11 of my posts on their website. Cool, no?

The most recent one was my Palin Picnic post. Here is the link to it as it appears on the Sun-Times website: CLICK HERE

As a demonstration of how sarcasm and sardonic wit runs in the family let me share something with you. I sent an e-mail to one of my brothers telling him about my posts appearing on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

This particular brother is a journalist by trade and had been an editor and reporter for a major newspaper for years. I thought he’d appreciate knowing this fact. His response in typical family fashion was the following:

This sez something about the state of today’s newspapers: Resorting to Bagwine to pump up circulation. But who knows? It may be the answer to the industry’s ills.

Ha…Our family is so warm, so caring, so god damn funny. His response made my day; thanks bro.

It’s almost football season folks and you know what that means? The Jay-Man has created a Fantasy Football League again this year.

I played for the first time last year and it was fun because Jay makes it easy to play.

Well, our draft is coming up Thursday so I am going to be spending today and tonight after work ranking players so I can try to draft who I want.

Last year my team did pretty well.

They had a good name too. They were called the Bagwine Boners.

This year? Based on a suggestion from my son Ryan, this year’s team has a new, more fearsome moniker. What is it, you ask?

The Jonas Brothers!! Go Team; Fight Team; Winnnnnnnn Team!!

Speaking of Ryno…He is now officially a High School Freshman. He began school yesterday, and of course, before I took him to school I had to have him pose for a picture…

I guess he hasn’t discovered what a blow dryer is yet. Good Luck to Him, and to all of you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day.

Cheers!!

Gimme The Schmoop, The Whole Schmoop, And Nothing But The Schmoop

Hola Bitches!!

Sorry Jay...For some reason I just felt like saying it, and it just felt right.

Hope you don’t mind me borrowing your phrase; I promise not to make a habit of it.

Anyhoo…

As I reported yesterday, Schmoop is going to contribute to Bagwine Ruminations once or twice a week, beginning tomorrow.

Here’s the problem I have…or that we have…or…um, me…yeah, this is going to take some getting used to. I’m very protective of my site, y’know. Um, as I said, Anyhoo…

I…er…we…have yet to come up with a clever name for her segments.

Oh sure, we have come up with plenty of possibilities, but none of them, “do it for me.”

We’ve thought of the following:

Schmoop is Bitchin’…That says two things. She is always bitchin’ and she is hot, but…eh, that’s okay.

The Schmoop Scoop…That kinda sounds like a type of celebrity gossip show, of which I loathe.

What the Fuck!?…She came up with that, and she does say it often, but that somewhat limits her range of emotions.

Bagwhine With Schmoop…She does whine, but like the above title, it confines her.

We’ve also considered…Schmoopology, Schmoop Sez, The Straight Poop From Schmoop.

Well, tomorrow is THE day that she makes her full-fledged, complete partnership debut here on Bagwine Ruminations and I…er…we need help.

If you have any ideas as to what we should call her offerings, please let us know.

It would be ideal to have her name in the title, but it is in no way a pre-requisite. If it’s funny, we’ll go with it.

So there you have it folks, lay it on me…er…us. I know that we can count on you for something pretty damn funny.

While you work on that, I'll take some new pictures of the Schmoop...a fresh start calls for some fresh pics.

Have a wonderful Hump Day, and get to humpin’ on those ideas.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Housekeeping

A few things have happened that have thrown me out of sorts of late.

I need to take today and do a little Hump Day Housekeeping, and put into words what is going on.

Maybe that will help me focus and organize my life in the near future.

First off, Ryno is back in school. He enters the 8th grade full of hope, full of excitement, and of course, full of sarcastic wit.

I will be picking him up from school most days. So my weekdays, will be taking Schmoop to work, coming back home to work on blogging and writing, picking him up at three, dropping him off at home, and then go to pick up Schmoop from work.

Then, I will go to work, and afterwards, come home and write the next day’s post. Ai Yi Yi!!

When the hell I am going to have time to drink Rose and bang hookers? Man, this going to be rough.

On top of that, I received some disturbing news Tuesday night.

A longtime friend, with whom I went to High School has passed away.

He was only 43 and died Sunday night from an apparent heart attack. Mark, and I’ll leave it at that, was a wild man.

He was a nut…a party animal…a good guy.

Either late Friday after work, or early Saturday morning I will be headed to the east side of Cleveland to attend his funeral.

Thus, I will be out of town this weekend. I may have Schmoop, if she is up to it, pour the Bagwine this weekend, or perhaps, I will pre-post some thoughts on his passing and other things.

It is a sad day for many of us who knew him all these years. Here’s to you, Mark. Rest in Peace, my friend. I’ll be there Saturday.

Lastly, I would like you to do a favor for me. I redesigned Schmoop’s blog yesterday. I am still working on it, but its getting there.

If you get a chance, please stop by and say hey.

And more importantly, tell her to post more often, after all, the Matt-Man spent an entire, fricking ninety minutes day trying to make it look nice.

You can visit Schmoop by clicking HERE.

So with that folks, I must be off, for I have schedules to plan and plans to schedule…or something like that.

Have a great Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Siesta

What a week it has been so far, and Hump Day is here.

I need a little down time today.

Maybe just take it easy, and catch up with some blogging buddies.

You see even though it is Hump Day, I don’t want to blow all my wad, all too soon.

We have a big weekend coming up…Memorial Day Weekend.

I have to save some of my Blog Lovin’ for the rest of the week leading up to the unofficial start to the Summer debauchery.

Tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, and I will be putting up my Memorial Day Edition of HNT. I’m sure it will be a stirring and patriotic sight.

And then boys and girls, on Friday, I am going to be kicking off the long weekend with a special Bagwine Celebration post.

I cannot tell you what it’s all about, but it will be one gloriously Wild Irish Rose colored event. Boo Yah, Bitches!!

But, I cannot leave you empty-handed, and empty hearted for a full day, so…

I present to you a very brief video of my favorite pussy in the whole wide world…

You have heard me talk about her, now meet her live over the internets.

My dear Bagwine Readers, I present Corky!!

Happy Hump Day, and Cheers!!