Matt: Hey Schmoop!? It’s Festivus and I have problems with you, ya ho bag!!
Schmoop: Ok…You dicktwizzlingfucknozzle!! Yes that is one word! Have at it!
Matt: Why do you go to bed at 7:30? I do my best work at night and sometimes it involves singing which I can’t do because Mizz Thing has her fucking head on the pillow!!
Schmoop: All I have to do is turn the fan on high! Then I can’t hear your warbling!! Also, I think I’ll stay up until 8:30 so there!
Matt: Wow…you’re a rebel!! And wow…There is a giant zit on your chin!! Holy Shit!!
Schmoop: You suck! I know it’s there you ass wipe! At least you don’t have to go to lunch with my crew tomorrow. Flashback!!!
Matt: Oh God I hated that. May God look down upon you. That crew is THE worst. How come rude, lazy boors have jobs and I don’t? Where’s the justice, Dammit!!?
Schmoop: I don’t know baby, they all SUCK!! And, get this, we’re going to Red Lobster, again. What the fuck can I eat there? Oh, I know, beer, and soup. God I hate seafood.
Matt: I love seafood, but I loathe all of those people. Well, except you of course…sorta…kinda. And by the way, that one year I ordered scallops and they were dime sized. What the fuck!?
Schmoop: Loathe me all you want dear, I think that’s HAWT!! Oh well, there will be alcohol on someone else’s dime, and I have a driver. Most excellent!!
Matt: Well that makes it all worthwhile, although the soul sucking that will go on is a heavy price to pay.
Schmoop: Not where I sit! I tend to have like minded stupid right beside me! Yea me!!
Matt: Okay…Well let’s wrap…er…rap?…this up and let me say Happy Festivus to you, you lovable moron, you.
Schmoop: Happy Festivus my favorite cuntnugget! I have much loves!!
And now ladies and gentlemen, another blatant and gratuitous promo for I’m With Stupid…
Tonight at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating Festivus!!
We will be airing our grievances against society and hope that you listen in and call in with your grievances against us.
C’mon…join us in letting it all out you morons. We know that many of you more issues than a magazine stand so call-in and let it out.
In addition to that, we will be discussing bad Christmas presents, why I don’t have a song for this week, and…
We’ll have a live Festivus remote from Butte, MT. with our roving correspondent, Dick Burns. Also…
Everyone’s favorite losing U.S. Senatorial candidate, Carl Paladino will be chiming in with a Festivus/Christmas message of hope and inspiration for all.
So join us tonight at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio. You can go to our radio page by clicking HERE.
When I look back some three decades there are some things I miss from my childhood.
I miss first and foremost, my mom and dad of course, but there are a few other things that I miss as well.
I miss riding my bike in the summer sun as the pollen laden wind smacked me in the face and made me sneeze.
I miss the smell of fried baloney sandwiches on a warm summer day.
I miss a big pot of chili simmering on the stove on Christmas Eve as mom would stir it while wearing an ugly, ill-fitting, floral patterned apron.
Yeah…I miss those things from my childhood, but you know what I miss from my adulthood?
Aside from missing the night that Schmoop said to me:
“You are the first man to have ever given me an orgasm.”
I miss Bill Clinton.
As the mid-term elections draw near, the economy continues to sputter, and nay-saying, tea bagging candidates steep in their stupidity, I miss former President Clinton more and more.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike President Obama, but the man is so cerebral, if he was getting a blow job from Michelle, he would say to himself…
“This is very pleasing, and my prostate thanks you for your efforts.”
Prior to the O-Man, we had Dubya who was quite the opposite. A forceful and matter-of-fact bastard whom I can hear uttering:
“I dig the Mexicans, but if they continue to kidnap Americans, I’ll cut their fucking heads off and make me a burrito sandwich out of the leftover shit.”
On the other hand, prior to both of these guys there was the Obama/Dubya mixture that was Bill Clinton.
President Clinton was the perfect storm of intelligence, foresight, national sensitivity, and you know what…I miss him.
Even to this day, when Clinton speaks, he not only says something intelligent, he illuminates how desperately this nation needs a political giant like him.
I understand the frustration of this country’s electorate, but c’mon….If the answer to the frustration is to vote for Sharron Angle, Joe Miller, Christine O’Donnell, and Carl “Fucking” Paladino? Screw It.
Oh, Dear God. They…are…morons. And…if you are one who is inclined to vote for those morons, YOU are a moron too.
I know…I know…FOX News, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean “Blockhead” Hannity will say my comment is elitist, but seriously, how can I be an elitist when I live in Bagwine, Ohio?
Fuck Em’ All.
If you vote for any of those folks or think that Sarah Palin would make a good President, you are stupid and must be shot, poisoned, or otherwise killed.
And that’s that.
But what about my right to vote and my First Amendment rights, you ask?
Ha…If you are voting for any of the folks I mentioned, you have no right to anything other than a government grant because you are obviously a thalidomide victim.
Anyhoo…
I guess my point is, people running for office today, suck. Big Time.
I miss Bill Clinton. I miss Statesmanship. I miss intelligence.
I don’t care how many chicks he had sex with.
I’ll take horny and smart over stupid and well, stupid, anytime.
Cheers!!
You can catch Jay and I discussing the stupid state of politics more thouroughly by listening to our I'm with Stupid Blog Talk Radio Show from yesterday:
Schmoop: All I have to do is turn the fan on high! Then I can’t hear your warbling!! Also, I think I’ll stay up until 8:30 so there!
C’mon…join us in letting it all out you morons. We know that many of you more issues than a magazine stand so call-in and let it out.
