He Said...She Said

A conversation between Matt-Man and myself from Friday…

Matt-Man: So Schmoop…I shaved my goat off, but it was an assident.

Schmoop: So you say. It looks…ok.

Matt-Man: It’ll all be back in a couple of days. I’ll take vitamins and hold my breath.

Schmoop: No need my good man. It’ll be back in, oh…twelve hours. You Mahoney’s are a hairy bunch. Including you sisters!

Matt-Man: Ha…Well just one of them; the other is fairly smooth…I mean…not that I know that intimately.

Schmoop: Ewwwww…I know both of your sisters, and well…ewwwwww.

Matt-Man: As much as you and I don’t like her, the younger one brought us together. Yet one more reason to hate her.

Schmoop: True dat, my friend, true dat. I didn’t always dislike her immensely. For real, she used to be my “friend”. Bitch can deep fry anything.

Matt-Man: And now…Although she is my sister, I wish she’d deep fry her head. Kidding of course…sorta.

Schmoop: HA! OMFG! That is way too funny. Too bad no one knows her like we do. Seriously, I love your entire family.

Matt-Man: That makes one of us.

Schmoop: Marty, Denny, Vince. Ok, maybe not Vince. That dude is a train wreck. In a good way…

Matt-Man: They are the bomb. John and Phil were too. Steve is amusing and a great artist, but eh? Sex tonight?

Schmoop: You know it. Oh, and pizza.

Matt-Man: Agreed…We are sooooooo deep, but the pizza is thin and oh so good.

Schmoop: Where’s the oregano?

Matt-Man: It’s on the tip of my---

Schmoop: Shut your mouth!!

Anyhoo…Check out the I’m Stupid Radio Show from Saturday right here: 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

It was hilarious and also very touching right at the end, as they gave a shout out to everyone’s friend Average Chick as she deals with a complicated pregnancy.

And…

Jayman and Matt-Man will no doubt re-create that Midas touch Monday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio, so catch their show HERE, as they defile FOX News, the U.S. Women’s Soccer team, and...

Talk about the fact that Marcus Bachmann is allegedly gay.

Until tomorrow…My uterus is bleeding, but I have a song in my heart, and say unto you…

Zoooooves!!

Happy Hump Day: He Said...She Said

It’s Hump Day folks, so how about a Hump Day related installment of, He Said…She Said? I thought you’d like that, and thanks…

Matt: So Schmoop? Thursday night on I’m With Stupid, Jayman and I will be talking about all the hot sex we’ve had in public places. Have you ever had public sex?

Schmoop: Well….just once. I think. Um…let me see. Is this going to be on the air???

Matt: Of course not…I would never act like a town crier announcing your public affairs for the world to hear. It’s me…Matty!!

Schmoop: Ok, I trust you. So there was this one time…thought you had me didn’t you!!?

Matt: Awww, c’mon…Just put it out there, since evidently you already did, at some point, “put it OUT there.”

Schmoop: Ha! Ok, one time I did it in a pool in broad daylight, outside. AND, no clothing was removed.

Matt: No clothing was removed? How do you have sex that way?

Schmoop: Well, let me tell you. You just move the bathing suit aside just the tiniest bit, see, then…

Matt: Oh, gotcha…At least that was safe pool sex because I’m sure the chlorine cut down on STD and yeast infection risk.

Schmoop: Bwwwahhhaaa! Well if it’s any consolation, the sex sucked.

Matt: The sex sucked until you met me, right? Um…Right?

Schmoop: Who loves himself?! Actually though, you are correct. I am totally serious, and truthful about that.

I figured before I met you, in the biblical sense, that men just stuck it in, and went on about their bizness.

Matt: Why thanks; that was sweet. Almost as sweet as your----Well it was sweet…I just try to do my best on you…er for you, like I did in the back of my Saturn with ya one time.

Schmoop: Well…we will keep that one under raps for the show if you don’t mind. Not that you don’t have MANY, MANY others to choose from;)

Matt: Hee…that’s cool, but until then, why don’t ya do a promo for this week’s I’m With Stupid’s Matt and Jay Raw: The Sex Show or as I call it, our Sextravaganza!!

Schmoop: Why sure…



(if the play button doesn’t work, hit where it says: twaud.io)

And there you have it folks…A He Said…She Said and a promo for I’m With Stupid all in one.

To access our show page, just click HERE.

Until tomorrow, I bid you, as always…

Cheers!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day...or Whatever

Welcome and Happy St. Patrick’s Day. Let’s do a little Irish He Said…She Said, shall we?

Matt: So? You all excited about the birthday party we’re going to on Saturday?

Schmoop: No

Matt: Oh c’mon. We’re gonna have fun. Drink some beer, play some cards, hang out with people that you don’t know.

Schmoop: Exactly! People I don’t fucking know! Whoo Boy sounds like a barrel of laughs. Also, I don’t play Euchre.

Matt: It will be fun. You heard me talking to Nat last night; she’s fun. And brother Marty will be there… You like Marty.

Schmoop: I adore your brother, but…what on earth will I wear? And what about my High School Industrial Arts teacher that will be there? He frightens me. He’s a Republican for God’s sake.

Matt: Ha…He’s a pussycat and his wife is the sweetest woman on earth. And well, there’s the birthday boy with whom I grew up. He’s very dry, but quite funny.

Schmoop: I know, I know. I just have social anxiety. I’ll get over it, and have a good time. What are we there for, twenty minutes?? Ha! Just kidding.

Matt: Oh hell, just go with the flow, would ya?

Schmoop: OMFG, I hate flows! I’ll do it for you, and you only. Considering you only drag me out of my hole once or twice a year. I don’t like to flow L

Matt: I know you hate flows and seriously, I wish you’d make your monthly flow stop.

S chmoop: You’re face should stop. Ha!

Matt: Ha…Borrowing lines from Ryno, I see. Marty called and he is primed for Saturday’s party, dear. He digs ya and his wife won’t be there.

Schmoop: Lucky me.

Matt: Damn right…Two Mahoney boys fawning all over you as we take the Euchre Title.

Schmoop: Gloriosity, Matty.

Matt: I knew ya’d dig it.

Schmoop: Whatever.

And now, a promo for I’m With Stupid!!

Tonight at 11 PM EDT, Jayman and I will be stroking your shillelagh and rubbing your Blarney Stones as we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Jayman will be talking to his uber-hot great grandmother times ten, and I will be doing something which is yet to be determined, ’cause I didn’t like what I originally did.

So, listen in, call in, and join us for some fun and frivolity on I’m With Stupid.

You can access our radio show page by clicking HERE.

Until tonight when I see you on the radio…Erin Go Braugh, and as always…

Cheers!!

He Said and She Said...Listen to I'm With Stupid!!

Haven’t done this in awhile…

Time for another installment of, He Said…She Said where I and my BFF/OSP Schmoop go spontaneous with each other through the magic of Microsoft Word.

Let’s kick it, shall we?

Schmoop: I think it’s great that you’ve stopped smoking for Lent. How’s that going?

Matt: You know damn well how it’s going. It sucks. So, if you could, blow your exhaled smoke in my direction would ya please? Ima needin’ a fix.

Schmoop: Oh sure honey, no problem. I happen to have one burning right now, want a hit? Hee!

Matt: Mmmmmm. Thanks, that gave me a hard on. Time for nippy bottle of Rose.

Schmoop: Rose, and no smokie. Hmmm, interesting. Am I getting laid tonite, or are you too weepy?

Matt: Sure, if I’m not climbing the walls, but tread carefully…In my current nicotine-free state, I may be rougher than usual on ya.

Schmoop: Oooooo, yummy! Cuffs, or rope?? So, um, seriously though, want a smoke?

Matt: Fuck You. Ahhh that felt good. Glad I gave up smoking for Lent rather than cussing like our favorite son of a bitch, Jay did. Talk about difficult!!

Schmoop: Fuck yeah. I don’t know how the bastard is going to do it. I’d rather go outside and throw my own shit at rabid squirrels than quit fucking cussing.

Matt: Yeah well, he’s a trooper, or should that be, trouper? Hell, I don’t know, and really don’t give rat’s ass. I just hope Jay like me, sits in favor with the Lord when all this Lent shit is over.

Schmoop: Amen.

Matt: Ha. Well that’s all I got. I mean, other than beads of withdraw sweat dripping from my nose, so say, “Goodnight Gracie.”

Schmoop: Goodnight Gracie.

And now…

Tonight on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST, Jayman and I will be discussing Lent and what we have foolishly given up.

We’d like to hear from you, and what if anything you have given up as well.

In addition to that, Jesus will be reporting live from my lungs and Marty Martenstein, our fave Jew reporter, may ironically enough, be reporting from a Catholic Church.

Oh, the Holy-Hijinx that will ensue!!

Anyhoo…

Please catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid tonight on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST.

The number to call in is 661.244.9852 and you can access our radio page by clicking HERE.

While we hope you listen , we know one person who won't, and that would be Pat Robertson...The crazy man trashed us just yesterday:



(if the button doesn't work, click where it says, "twaud.io")

Until I see you tonight on the radio…

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

And now folks…time for another installment of He Said…She Said!!

Matt: Hey Schmoop…What the Hell was that “ploink” noise?

Schmoop: Ha! I put a spoon in the chili to see if it was thawed! Cool huh?

Matt: It sounded sexual.

Schmoop: I know, but it’s frozen, so I want to leave it out for a little longer.

Matt: That’s what I say to myself about your hoo-ha prior to attempting to stick my spoon into YOUR chili.

Schmoop: Ploink, ploink!!

Matt: Ha. Cute…I need to use your lighter….Mine just died. Can you do me a solid and let me use yours?

Schmoop: I really hate to share, can’t you go get another one?

Matt: Why yes…I could go out into the cold evening and get one, but I’d rather not. Anyway, you seem to be open to sharing other parts of yourself with me.

Schmoop: Well that’s because when I’m sharing THAT, I’m getting something out of it!!

Matt: I understand that. ’Cause when I am sharing my incredible sense of humor with you, you in turn are getting the joy of laughter.

Schmoop: Um, I didn’t exactly mean that. You know that sharing. I do however, love your sense of humor!

Matt: Since when? You never laugh out loud…Are you trying to hide your appreciation of my God Given gift!? Sinner!!

Schmoop: I laugh out loud, you just don’t hear it. Are you that dense? I mean THAT sharing. Geez.

Matt: Are you being sexual again? Did I not pick that up? Does this remind you of the swim trunk incident that happened to me years ago or what?

Schmoop: Oh you mean that one time when some floozie picked you up, took you back to her house, and suggested that you guys get in her swimming pool? Wink, wink. You said, and I quote “I don’t have any swim trunks”? Moron ;)~ Get it now?

Matt: Got it.

Schmoop: Good.

After Monday night’s interview I am thankfully secure (almost) that Sarah Palin’s political career in terms of holding office is over.

She was getting a golden shower of questions from Sean Hannity and she still couldn’t drink them up.

Sad…Hee…not really…she’s a moron.

Gone most of the day today, so I shall catch you all soonly.

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

And now, albeit a day late...Another scintillating installment of He Said...She Said


Matt: What a day huh? Could today be labeled, “Dumbest People in the World Day” or what?

Schmoop: No shit! People suck, a lot. Did you just hear the fucktard (yes it is one word) upstairs?

Matt: Right on schedule. Yelling and cussing as usual. There must be a heated bowl game taking place on TV between Okaloosa Walton Junior College and No Name State.

Schmoop: Ha! No doubt! So, why do people suck in your world? Then maybe, I’ll tell you why they suck in mine.

Matt: Today, I have been assaulted by folks who think they know my biddness. People who think they know how to write. Write? Gimme a break. I can’t perform live on a radio show well, but I write really goodly.

Schmoop: You write fantastically! People want to tell you what to do because it makes them think they are better. You know what I say to that? Fuck Them!!

Matt: Hee…Fantastically…That’s a word now, but of course you know…We common people are not allowed to make up words, unlike Webster and that Roger Thesaurus guy.

Schmoop: OMG! I know you meant Roget’s! Ok, here we go. UPS didn’t pick up yesterday at my place. Why, you ask? Because our regular guy was not working.

The “child” who was taking his place, said he knocked at the door at 3:15. WRONG! I was in the office and the really, really old dude was at the back door. Liar! So our stuff didn’t get picked up until today. Ask me why that is bad? Go on ask.

Matt: Why? (He asks, for he is afraid to do anything else.)

Schmoop: BECAUSE, the stuff we ship…in the cold, tends to break if they are thrown around in the truck! So, a day wait is not good. Fuckers!!!! Ok, I’m done, and you??

Matt: I’m done too…As much as I hate the world and the many people who make it up (yeah I know, bad grammar)…I do love you.

Schmoop: I love you too baby! So here is to a better year. We deserve it. Oh, and I am also looking forward to being naked with you for the next four days! Yay, me!!!

Matt: Yes…Yes we do…and screw that “yay you” shit…Yay Me!! Here’s to you…And now…Suck It!!

Have a safe and wonderful New Year's Eve. If you're near me at midnight prepared to get kissed, and yes, there will be tongue.

Cheers!!

Happy Festivus: He Said...She Said

Matt: Hey Schmoop!? It’s Festivus and I have problems with you, ya ho bag!!

Schmoop: Ok…You dicktwizzlingfucknozzle!! Yes that is one word! Have at it!

Matt: Why do you go to bed at 7:30? I do my best work at night and sometimes it involves singing which I can’t do because Mizz Thing has her fucking head on the pillow!!

Schmoop: All I have to do is turn the fan on high! Then I can’t hear your warbling!! Also, I think I’ll stay up until 8:30 so there!

Matt: Wow…you’re a rebel!! And wow…There is a giant zit on your chin!! Holy Shit!!

Schmoop: You suck! I know it’s there you ass wipe! At least you don’t have to go to lunch with my crew tomorrow. Flashback!!!

Matt: Oh God I hated that. May God look down upon you. That crew is THE worst. How come rude, lazy boors have jobs and I don’t? Where’s the justice, Dammit!!?

Schmoop: I don’t know baby, they all SUCK!! And, get this, we’re going to Red Lobster, again. What the fuck can I eat there? Oh, I know, beer, and soup. God I hate seafood.

Matt: I love seafood, but I loathe all of those people. Well, except you of course…sorta…kinda. And by the way, that one year I ordered scallops and they were dime sized. What the fuck!?

Schmoop: Loathe me all you want dear, I think that’s HAWT!! Oh well, there will be alcohol on someone else’s dime, and I have a driver. Most excellent!!

Matt: Well that makes it all worthwhile, although the soul sucking that will go on is a heavy price to pay.

Schmoop: Not where I sit! I tend to have like minded stupid right beside me! Yea me!!

Matt: Okay…Well let’s wrap…er…rap?…this up and let me say Happy Festivus to you, you lovable moron, you.

Schmoop: Happy Festivus my favorite cuntnugget! I have much loves!!

And now ladies and gentlemen, another blatant and gratuitous promo for I’m With Stupid…

Tonight at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating Festivus!!

We will be airing our grievances against society and hope that you listen in and call in with your grievances against us.

C’mon…join us in letting it all out you morons. We know that many of you more issues than a magazine stand so call-in and let it out.

In addition to that, we will be discussing bad Christmas presents, why I don’t have a song for this week, and…

We’ll have a live Festivus remote from Butte, MT. with our roving correspondent, Dick Burns. Also…

Everyone’s favorite losing U.S. Senatorial candidate, Carl Paladino will be chiming in with a Festivus/Christmas message of hope and inspiration for all.

So join us tonight at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio. You can go to our radio page by clicking HERE.

See ya tonight on the radio and until then…

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

It's Thursday so you know what that means...That's Right!!

Another edition of He Said...She Said

Let's get right to it.

Matt: So as of today, I guess I’m laid off…

Schmoop: It’s ok baby, we’ll make do. Don’t we always?

Matt: Of course we do…I filed for unemployment online this morning…but…

Schmoop: Well, that’s good…but what?

Matt: I had to call the ex to get Ryno’s SS number. Guess what she said…

Schmoop: Oh hell, do I want to know?

Matt: Well…She said to me…Not, “that’s a shame“…not…“are ya going to be alright“…she said…and I quote: “What does this mean for me?”

Schmoop: Oh fuck no, she din’t. What the fucking hell? I’m trying to leave off certain expletives, can’t you tell?

Matt: Yeah, she did. We were getting along so well….food every Sunday, chuckles ’bout Ryno, and then? Bom Bom Bommmmm…the money dries up!!

Schmoop: That’s the way it always has been with her. Damn, I wanna slap a’ bish! What about everything being about Ryno? Where in hell does that come into play? Hmmm…?

Matt: Well now…five seconds after my hesitation of silence over the “what about ME ?” quote, she said, “I mean, what about Ryno?”

Schmoop: Of course she did. What a twatwaffle. I’m sorry baby, I wish I could do something. You know, like…umm. Whatever…she is what she is.

Matt: I know…and the best thing is, she called me back after she gave me Ryno’s SS Number and said, “Why does this happen every year?!”

Schmoop: Every year!!? She is delusional, isn’t she? Jeez Louise!

Matt: Eh…I go to take and pick up Ryno on Thursday, so we shall see…It could be all well and fine by then.

Schmoop: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha…“Well and fine“…You ARE such an optimist!!

Matt: I used to be…And now I ’m laid off!!

Schmoop: I do NOT give a flying rat’s ass if you’re laid off! Well, I mean I do, but we WILL get thru all of this together, right? We are a team, for better or worse. Done deal.

Matt: Thanks Schmoop…I love you…and, well, I’m sure they’ll still love me as much as they always have; well…at least Ryno will.

Schmoop: Of course Ryno will!! You know why? Because he got the best of you…from you, and you alone!! Oh, and by the way…she doesn’t need to love you. I got that covered!!

Matt: You are too kind…And I love you too. And, I can’t wait to go to Ryno’s house to pick him up.

Have a Wunnerful Thursday and as always…

Cheers!!

And now...

Jay's latest promo for our Jew-a-Palooza Hanukkah Show featuring Mel Gibson...Friday night on Blog Talk Radio:



(Click on twaud.io to hear it and click HERE to access our radio page.)

He Said...She Said

Most folks will be busy getting drunk and eating turkey with their families tomorrow, I thought today we’d do this week’s installment of, He Said…She Said where Schmoop and I banter back and forth through the magic of Microsoft Word.

Sound good? Well alrightie then. Let’s get down to biddness!!

Schmoop: Babe, I had this dream last night, and well…you are not going to be happy.

Matt: Oh dear God…What?

Schmoop: Well, I’m sorry, but I dreamed that I had sex with…Bill O’Reilly.

Matt: I think I just threw up a little.

Schmoop: YOU threw up, how on earth do you think I feel? At least, in my dream, there weren’t any detailed visuals, if you know what I mean.

Matt: Well that’s good. Well as good as you can hope for with a dream like that. And to think, I was going to ask you what you were thankful for since it’s Thanksgiving time.

Schmoop: I’m thankful that it wasn’t Glenn Beck!

Matt: I would never be able to look at you the same way again if it was. Either way, I feel sexually disenfranchised now.

Schmoop: OMFG! You know how much I hate the word disenfranchised!! Among many others of course.

Matt: Hee. Hee. Yes I know, but when I say, disenfranchised, it makes my nether regions MOIST!!

Schmoop: Ha! Another word I hate. I get where this is going! Panties or slacks!!

Matt: Ha…I hate both of those words as much as you do. When I hear those words, it makes me feel as though I coming down with a FUNGAL infection!!

Schmoop: Let’s see…girlie bits, smegma, lima beans, urp (my Mother’s word for vomit), Mika Brzezinski. Shall we go on? I think so. Next.

Matt: One more…one more. More than a word, but rather a phrase at which you and I both shudder…Hold on to your disenfranchised panties for this one…MAKE LOVE!!

Schmoop: You suck! Ok, if you want to MAKE LOVE, you are not for me! Ewww. How about you just grab my ass and say “You wanna fuck?” Or how about “Let’s get horizontal”, Get’s me going every time. Make love? Gross.

Matt: “Make love” is so teen coming of age movie, and Lifetime Network-ish. Sure it’s fine for poetry, but when I’m horny I want to get naked with a hot chick, not snuggle up with a lyrical line of iambic pentameter.

Schmoop: True. I just want to have a few beers, screw, lay naked, and sweaty, (because I refuse to say cuddle, eww), eat, and go to sleep. That is where all of my talents lie.

Matt: So…Would you like to put your talents to use and do just that?

Schmoop: Why yes sir, I would.

Matt: Sweeeet. Afterwards, we can CUDDLE!! Ha!!

Schmoop: Augggggh!! Cuntnugget.

And there you have it folks, our He Said…She Said for the week.

Make sure to listen to I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Friday at 11 PM EST.

We will discuss Jayman’s recent pilgrimage to Omaha. We will kick off the annual War on Christmas™, and we will have an exclusive Christmasy type song sung by yours truly.

To go to our BTR Radio site click HERE.

Have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving, all.

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

It's Thursday so you know what that means. That's Right..!!

Time for another installment of He Said...She Said where Schmoop and I take turns bantering with each other via the magic that is Microsoft Works.

Enjoy...

Matt: So…I don’t have to work Thanksgiving after all…Whatcha want me to make for our solemn Thanksgiving repast?

Schmoop: Let me think. You have always made such great dinners, but I think this year we should make it simple. Taco Bell or pizza. Oh, and beer, and sex. You game?

Matt: It’s always simple. I make a turkey breast…scalloped corn…some veggies and rolls. What’s the big deal? I want to do that as always.

Schmoop: Ok, but you’d have to do it all!! I even burn rolls! Oh the humanity!!

Matt: Of course I’d do it all…Holy Cow, remember you made a green bean casserole that was the consistency of soup, and rolls? Once, you didn’t even put them in the oven!!

Schmoop: You are a dicktwizzlingfucknozzle. Yes that is one word. Oh alright, I suck at cooking. Happy Pappy!!

Matt: You don’t suck at cooking; you just don’t put your heart into it like I do. I do…you on the other hand, don’t care if you kill someone.

Schmoop: Awww, you’re so sweet! I do to care if I kill someone, but we never have company, so…..

Matt: Seriously though…What do you want on Turkey Day? Whatever you want….within reason…

Schmoop: How about either a turkey breast, or chicken. Mmmm chicken. Oh, and some scalloped corn with green onions, I can do that. Rolls, and Taco Bell??

Matt: Turkey or Chicken (or even ham if that’s all we can afford) breast soaked in a crockpot w/ broth. Scalloped Corn, Green Bean Casserole, and some rolls….that’s all. How’s That? I’ll cook everything.

Schmoop: Deal. I’ll clean everything up, and we’ll eat sitting on the “new” couch watching football. Good?

Matt: Sounds good, and consider it done. However, can we have sex afterward in honor of the Pilgrims?

Schmoop: Most definitely! Before, during, after. After all, sex and Thanksgiving, and football go hand in hand, don’t they? That’s my story anyhow.

Matt: Your story is great, because other than that , Thanksgiving has no meaning. It’s merely a kick-off to the Christmas season anymore.

Schmoop: Yes it is, and oh how I loathe Christmas. The stores started putting out that crap at Halloween. I know you love the season, and I’m sorry, but our Thanksgiving is gonna be great!

Matt: Don’t be sorry…I love it…I can’t wait to eat, drink, and be merry with ya. As for the rest of the bullshit…Thou shall sayeth: Fuck Ith.

Schmoop: Amen.

Matt: And stay away from the cooking…

Oh....the last picture? That was the Cheesy-Green Onion Cornbread I made to accompany the chili I made last night. Yum-Oh!!

Happy Thursday all, and as always…

Cheers!!

A Brief Change of Venue

Time for a brief Bagwine Ruminations break, Bitches.

That’s right.

I am going to focus on a few things for the upcoming Thanksgiving Extravaganza on I’m With Stupid which airs this Friday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio.

My next "real" post on here will be Thursday's installment of He Said…She Said.

I may throw up a couple of mindless Thanksgiving realated things in the meantime. You know, something like this cartoon I did a couple of years ago:


Or like this:


So, until Thursday and He Said…She Said, I bid you adieu.

More or less.

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

It's Thursday so it's time for another episode of He Said...She Said, where Schmoop and I take turns responding to each other via the magic of Microsoft Word.

Let's get jiggy with it, Chuckleheads...

Schmoop: I’m feeling sappy tonight, wanna be sappy with me, well do ya punk??

Matt: I just wanna make Hamburger Stuffing.

Schmoop: Considering I just woke you up from an hour and a half “nap”, I would think you would have something else to say? Maybe…………

Matt: Maybe like what..? I Love you?

Schmoop: I Love YOU Sparky!!! Hearts, and Flowers…Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Anyoo, I do love you. Now, let’s get naked. Oh wait a minute, I’m always naked.

Matt: Holy Cow!! You haven’t called me Sparky in years.

Schmoop: You started calling me Sparky when we first met, if you recall. Now you call me Schmoop. Sparky reminds me of our first date….

Matt: Date? You hopped on topped of me and said, “Don’t move.” And every time I did, you yelled at me, “DON’T MOVE!!” Rowwwwr.

Schmoop: You know…..Alright you are correct, but I thought it was a date. I’ve never had one. I told you not to move because, well…..

Matt: Because what? Was I moving too much? You never said anything…you should have said something…

Schmoop: Ok, you ass, you are the first man to ever give me an orgasm. Are you happy now? Buttmmunch. Notice, I said Man. J/K

Matt: I do have a talent and it sure isn’t ’cause I’m huge. I’m just hugely cool…and well, terrific.

Schmoop: God, you are so full of yourself. Yes, you do have a MAJOR talent in that area, and in ALL areas. But….I’m bendy.

Matt: Oh you’re bendy, alright. Holy Cow!!

Schmoop: Ha! I just hope you love me the way I love you., and me alone. Now, I will be naked on the, davenport, oh I’m sorry, Lilly (with the burn hole), dinner smells good...pictures!!

Matt: You really need to lighten up, you…But I understand. I love you and I will take a picture of the Hamburger Stuffing.

Schmoop: Ok...get me a beer, would ya? Please.


And there you have it. Another award winning installment of He Said...She Said.

Off to take Schmoop to work and Ryno to school.

See ya soon and thank you to those of you who contributed to Matt-Man's Hump Day Adventure yesterday.

It was fun and funny, although it was hard keeping myself from commenting!!

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

Time for another installment of He Said...She Said

Matt: Holy Cow, the election is over and you know what? We have been together as friends or otherwise, for ten fucking years!!

Schmoop: OMFG! You’re right! Whatever shall we do for our anniversary?

Matt: Lessee…I all but broke my tailbone last night, and you are raggin’…Since we can’t have sex, we could eat a lot.

Schmoop: God, how pathetic…sounds good, can you make one of your casseroles with what we have? Mmmmm…casserole.

Matt: I was thinking sausage sammiches with green beans. I’ll make ya a double!!

Schmoop: Cool! Ooo, with the shelly beans? Good Lord, what have I become? I used to be fun, I swear!

Matt: You’re still fun, but I remember when you used to get more excited about me. Not Shelly Beans.

Schmoop: Baby, I’m still excited about you. You’re my love. I just need to get my head out of my ass, and show it more, and I will. Things with me are much, much better…I swear.

Matt: So….um…you’re going to show your head more, or your ass more? Ya lost me here.

Schmoop: I will show MY LOVE more, you fucking dicktwizzlingfucknozzle! Yes that is one word, butt hole. Please try to keep up, m’kay?

Matt: It’s about time. You have always been so scared to do that. Ten years dear!! Ten!!

Schmoop: Babe, I was afraid of YOU. You have the power to hurt me, and I don’t like that, but…I’m not afraid anymore. Hell, I’m even starting to make decisions without asking you what you think. It’s a start…isn’t it?

Matt: Yes it is…and you should really stop that.

Schmoop: Ok, but I’m really sick of pumping my own gas! Hee, I said pumping!!

Matt: That’s HOT. Will you be nicer to me if I pump with cash rather than credit?

Schmoop: Sure, but you have neither.

Matt: So…where does that leave me?

Schmoop: With me silly man, with me…

Matt: I can live with that, and or, in this case, you.

Schmoop: Ha! You’re a cuntnugget, and I love you with all I have. So there.

Matt: As long as I’m your cuntnugget, and by the way….Unlike last week, I’ll save this installment.

Schmoop: You were off all day, so odds are 50/50. Damn, last week’s was good too, butt munch! I say that with the utmost affection.

Matt: I appreciate that and when I get back with the Rose, Ima gonna pee, get naked, listen to you hemorrhage, and put on my new ND shirt. I love you.

Schmoop: God you are a fuckhole! I love you!!! Smooches!

Matt: Yeah, I love you too, ya shit.

And there you have it folks. The Bagwine Ruminations, He Said…She Said segment for the week.

I hope you stop by tomorrow for a very special I’m With Stupid promo. Until then…

Cheers!!

My Charlie Sheen and Capri Anderson Moment

Were you expecting another fireworks filled installment between Schmoop and myself today in our weekly segment, He Said…She Said?

Well…

So was I. But…

When I woke up this morning to post it, I found that some drunken asshole evidently didn’t save the exchange.

Fucking moron.

This person needs to be severely reprimanded, publicly lynched, and then drenched in gasoline and set on fire.

Stupidity like this cannot and will not be tolerated, and it makes my job of providing daily frivolity to you the people, much harder to do.

This type of incompetence is unacceptable. So…

If any of you would like to come over and flog my stupid ass for not saving the post, I’ll be at home until 4:45 PM today.

I thank you in advance for punishing me for my Charlie Sheen/Capri Anderson moment.

On the upside…

I’m With Stupid after only nine shows, is already the number three rated comedy show on Blog Talk Radio!!

We attribute our success to many things…hard work, intensive show preparation, and the loyalty of our listeners, but mainly to dumb luck and labeling every show with the tag: Jewish Babes.

And…

This Friday (that’s tomorrow you chuckleheads) Jay and I will be making the I’m With Stupid magic happen once again as we broadcast on BTR at 11PM EDT.

We will be having our IWS Halloween Party. We will discuss Halloween party horror stories, our fave costumes, and our favorite scary movies.

Additonally, we will have our weekly football picks, Nipsey Russell and Dour Mike will probably be chiming in, and we have dug up several audio trailers of horror movies you may have missed out on.

We hope you listen and join the BOO-teelicious good times by calling in to our show.

That’s, I’m With Stupid at 11 PM EDT Friday night on Blog Talk Radio.

You can go to our BTR show page by clicking HERE.

And…

If you have a moment and are on Facebook, please go to our FB link on my right sidebar and “Like” us.

We want to be number one on BTR, on Facebook, and most importantly, number one in your hearts…or something.

Have a wunnerful Thursday and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Many of you in the Midwest experienced some violent weather Tuesday and we did too. However…

While some areas near me got hammered, Bagwine proper did not suffer anything devastating.

I did shoot two minutes of the storm that passed through Bagwine as Drive-By Mikey and I were at the Beer Mine…



That was pretty much it. I was hoping for more meteorological excitement, but alas, it was not to be.

I’m off all day today, and you know what that means…Damn Right!! Drinking and Cooking!!

It is Chicken Shit night at the Bagwine Digs. I will be making my recent culinary invention once again and it will look, as it did the last time, something like this…

I may have a new twist. And, if the new twist meets Schmoop’s approval, there me be Hump Day sex in my future.

Today I will also be prepping hard with the Jayman in order to get this week’s installment of I’m With Stupid ready for our Friday night broadcast on Blog Talk Radio.

Friday night you say? That’s right, Bitches!!

Due to a change in my Beer Mine schedule, I’m With Stupid is moving to 11 PM EDT beginning this Friday October 29th.

Friday’s show will be our, I’m With Stupid Halloween Party.

We will have Halloween related movie promos for you, discuss our Halloween Party horror stories, and of course our weekly I’m with Stupid football picks which will include some college games this week.

We hope you will join us, listen in, and call-in to discuss all things Halloween such as the most creative and or funny costumes you or your friends have worn.

It will be ghoulish laughs galore, and blood curdling screams of hilarity this Friday at 11 PM EDT on, I’m With Stupid.

You can go to our Blog Talk Radio page by clicking: HERE.

And don’t forget kidz…As tomorrow is Thursday here on Bagwine Ruminations there will be another award-winning installment of, He Said…She Said.

Schmoop and I do so enjoy doing those. But…

As Jay and I have a short week to prepare our weekly radio nightmare, I must now bid you adieu.

Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

It's time for another installment of He Said...She Said, however...today?

Schmoop is in charge, so here we go...

Schmoop: So, I was talking to Drive By Mikey today, and he was intimating that there was a conversation between the two of you about “some things”. What about?

Matt: It was about you, but seriously we are all allowed our space. Are we not?

Schmoop: You are correct, and I apologize for “invading your space”. He just happened to say something as I was there purchasing beverages. Just asking.

Matt: Hey…We are honest…to my detriment at times, but isn’t it nice?

Schmoop: Yes it is; I like honesty. So what did you talk about?

Matt: Now, you’ve crossed the line. It was between Mikey and I, and…it was honest. It didn’t change nor hide the facts between you and I.

Schmoop: Ok. I guess I’m just jealous that I didn’t have anyone to tell. Except the whole fucking internet!! Lucky you. for having a friend!!

Matt: I guess we’re back on the Dana thing…

Schmoop: Nah, okay maybe, I just like her tits! I thought maybe you and Mikey were talking about sex acts, that’s all.

Matt: Well we were, and Mikey would like to see you and Dana get it on and/or pee on him. You know, just to smooth things over. Mike is only thinking about you when he says that…He simply wants you and I to be happy.

Schmoop: Ha! He’s such a giving soul! God, I wish I was into that!!! Well until I am…I want you, Mr. Mahoney all to myself so ppppffffllllllttttt! I’m so mature!!

Matt: That’s sweet, but if it disturbs ya, how about we lose the carpet munching, and just go with some tit sucking amongst girls?

Schmoop: Well, well Ms. Vale, another rooster in the hen house!! I must quote:

Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’ll get...or something. Wanna get something???

Matt: “Wanna get something?” Are you asking me or Dana?

Schmoop: Yes!!

Matt: Well, there…you…go

And there you have it…Matty is a happy man...

For now.

Cheers!!

Homework and Homecomings

I’m not an overly nostalgic guy, but lately, my mind has been on sojourn to a place and time some 27 to 29 years in the past.

My High School days…1981-83, at Springfield North High School.

It is understandable as to why I have been ruminating about those days recently. My son Ryno, celebrates his 16th Birthday this Sunday, and it called to mind when I did the same during my sophomore year.

On top of Ryno’s birthday being a catalyst for these thoughts, sometime during the pre-dawn hours on Tuesday, I had a dream that involved a class reunion of sorts.

Several old classmates and I were partying in a restaurant/bar facility, and having quite the uproarious time of it.

I reveled in the somnolent kinetoscope moment for what seemed like hours with the likes of Tom Murphy, Amy Speros, Michelle Roddy, Susan Heeg, Joe Aker, and a slew of drunken others.

There wasn’t anyone there who I didn’t like or who wasn’t buddies with me as well, which oddly, begs the question…

Why at the end of the dream did these lovable jokesters hide my clothes and contacts and laugh as I stood naked and blind as I sucked back a bottle of TJ Swan Midnight Express just prior to having sex with the uber-hot and amply breasted Pam Burkitt?

But I digress…

The dream abruptly ended as did my thoughts of those fun times. I awoke, made my way to the computer, and opened up my email.

I had but one message. It was from my High School sweetheart, Sherri.

She wrote that she is out of town in a training session for a few days, but had a dream about me, and among some electronic small talk, wanted to know how I was doing. She then ended her correspondence, by saying…

“Stay out of my dreams, Fucker. You took George Clooney’s spot!!”

Ha!! Even after knowing her for 30 years she still never fails to crack me up. And much like my dream, her email reminded me of how much of a blast we had in those days.

Sherri and I were all but inseparable back then. We worked at Hardee’s together…made fun of people together…had less than stellar teenage sex together, and while we had other friends, she and I were best friends.

I thought about that, responded to her email, flashed a smile to times past, and then remembered yet another thing.

Tuesday was the aforementioned Joe Aker’s birthday.

Joe was the best friend of mine with whom I never had sex. He’s a funny fucker and we have known each other really well since roughly 5th grade.

So, I emailed Joe quickly before I had to leave for work and got a reply from him that referenced something I and others used to say to him when we were kids. The past continued to come alive.

Once I got to work, I was in a good mood and Drive-By Mikey and I talked about our “olden days”.

It was fun. And, I am glad that I revisited those times for a few. But, later in the day, those happy thoughts were dissipated by the winds of the present and the work at hand.

I thought that was the end of it, however…

At about 5:30 P.M. Sherri’s dad came through the Beer Mine to get some brew-ha’s, and as always when he does, he said to me:

“Hi Matt. How are ya, buddy?”

I typically respond by just smiling, and saying:

“Just fine sir, how the hell are you?”

This time when responding as I always do, I laughed instead of merely smiling, because the train of past memories came rolling down the tracks as I recalled being 16 and Sherri’s dad walking in on us getting naked in their living room.

That night years ago, his voice cut through the musty dimness and asked…

“What the hell are you doing?”

As I was not incredibly sexually experienced at this point in my life, I responded:

“I’m not quite sure, sir.”

Ha…Good times, good times.

There is no point to this exposition other than this…

All of these memories made me smile for a day and I wanted to write them down, because just like the High School I attended, the folks that helped spur these memories may not always be around.

Cheers!!

Oh, and don't forget tomorrow is another installment of He Said...She Said, or perhaps, this week it will be SHE Said...He Said!!

He Said...She Said...

Here's the second installment of Schmoop and I bantering back and forth. This time, over an Oktoberfest Party my brother Marty is having this Sunday...

Matt: So…You are going with me to my brother’s Oktoberfest party on Sunday?

Schmoop: Yes I am. Wait a minute…is Vinny going to be there?

Matt: Well sure…He is our brother after all…I mean not your’s, but Marty’s and ours.

Schmoop: True. As long as I’m not the “Vinny Sitter”, and I can walk, I mean stumble thru the vast estate, I’m cool with it.

Matt: He can be troublesome at times…but enough of him. I know you hate public situations, will you be able to hang out without throwing up?

Schmoop: I have not vomited in public since…..well since the last time. Sorry about your shoes.

Matt: All is forgiven, and plus, besides the uber-adorable Marty, my brother Denny will be there. You like him!! And me? This Counting Crows music sounds soooo good.

Schmoop: I ADORE Marte’ and his uber beautiful wife! I love Denny too!! Sorry, but the Counting Crows song, “The Rain King” makes me cry, but I like the rest……….

Matt: Why does that song make you cry?

Schmoop: Listen to the lyrics you cuntnugget. Makes me think that we’re ending, and we’re taking things in a direction I’m not sure I want to go.

Matt: I think maybe it makes YOU think that I’M taking things in a different direction, because it is I who always plays that song.

Schmoop: Well are you? I need to know these things. I know it’s been a “little rough” around here, but, well I need to know…

Matt: You know how I am, and if I had wanted to go somewhere else, I already would have. But as you indicated earlier today, and not on here, it seems as though I already have made changes in how I act. For good or bad. I think it’s for the good.

Schmoop: You’re changes are good, I love your writing, as I always have. Now they seem to have much more of an edge. MY changes will also be for the good. Possibly a blog…

Matt: Well you should blog again, because you are funny…and you have interesting things to say, and yeah, that was bullshit. ; )~

Schmoop: Yea, who am I kidding? Well it was a thought. I will just be kinder to my fellow man. Ah Jesus H. Christ. Well, he knows I hate everyone equally? Here’s to a great party? I give up.

Matt: As we all should, and here‘s to Marty‘s Party…Give up, and succumb to Christine O’Donnell and Sharron Angle, who in all probability will replace Harry Reid. At least Harry has an IQ…that is measurable. OY!!

And now…

Shortly after this exchange, there were out of the blue, several, “or else….” demands leveled by Schmoop.

Chances are, by the end of your work day Thursday, I will be gone for awhile.

She tells me she loves me, and I tell her the same, and I think we mean it, but, after all…

What’s love got to do with it?

I can tell things aren't going well when I cook one of her fave meals, and she doesn't eat...until later.

Cheers!!

P.S. Happy 41st Birthday Pizza Bill; here’s to an ass-chapless day, ya big lug. See ya at five. Smooch!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

How about a little Hump Day Hodgepodge, today? Great!!

Tuesday at work was a killer. The 10-9 shift is a long day in itself, but once again it seemed like 80% of the day’s business was compressed into the three hours between 5 and 8.

Holy Cow, it was smokin' busy, and I was injured as well.

I fucked up my back lifting and twirling 30 packs of beer and then smashed my right elbow into the steel doorframe between the office and the drive-thru section of the Beer Mine.

I am glad I am off today so I can recuperate before going back Thursday at 5. Take me away Wild Irish Rose!!

I may see if Jay is available to talk today so we can do our always intensive show prep for the, I’m With Stupid Blog Talk Radio broadcast this coming Sunday.

Speaking of our show, Jay and I talked a couple of weeks ago about “creative” cuisine. I mentioned my less than successful attempt to make liver in the crockpot once.

I remembered at work Tuesday that I shot a video of Schmoop complaining about it the day it happened.

So, if you have never seen it, and/or would like to check out Schmoop’s purrrr-rific legs, here’s the video of the “Crockpot Liver Incident”…

There’s a lot in the news about the California Governor’s race and how Jerry Brown, one of his aides, or maybe even his wife was caught on a phone message calling his GOP opponent, Meg Whitman, a whore.

Two things, here…

First of all, as so many others, I find it hilarious that in the news reports, people refuse to say, “whore”. They say something like, “Brown called Whitman a word that rhymes with, snore.” I say to these “professionals” grow the fuck up.

The second thing and perhaps the most important thing about this “controversy” is this…

Since being called a whore by the Brown camp, has Whitman denied the allegation?

Hell, no!!

This needs further looking into because I think I have stumbled upon two things here…Meg Whitman is a WHORE, and I am fucking brilliant!!

That’s it for today, with the exception of a couple of notes.

Thursday I will be doing another installment of He Said…She Said with Schmoop. If it’s like last Thursday’s episode, you’ll want be sure to read it and chime in. Fun stuff!!

Also, if you’d like to be this Friday’s I’m With Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week, e-mail Jayman or I with your photo along with what makes you smart, and we'll put your picture up on the IWS website come Friday.

Please though…no completely nude shots (breasts included). I was scolded by our Executive Producer for putting one up last Saturday.

That's it...and now, I must spend Wednesday healing up and show prepping. It’s a good thing that I have plenty of Rose, smokes, and beer on hand.

Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

I Love Snugs!!

I had no interesting conversations this week, well...other than the one I posted yesterday between Schmoop and I.

It was classic and elicited quite a few interesting comments and exchanges, but none more interesting than this exchange between the uber-crazy Snugs and myself:

snugs said...

oh wow, I didn't know you had your own drama going on over here today too..

can I just say that I am really digging Micky..

btw, I used to feel sorry for Schmoop, but now I realize I was wrong, I think that maybe she is just pissed she missed out on the action, either that or she is just ok settling for sloppy seconds..whatever floats their boat,

just because I can't imagine being with someone that practically fucks another woman on the couch while I am sleeping one off and then continues to boast and joke about it doesn't mean it's not her cup of tea, or rather vodka, Cheers!

My response:

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Drama? I didn't realize that animated, sometimes heated exchanges between quasi-adults was considered, "drama".

I'm sure Schmoop is crushed that you no longer feel sorry for her as she spoke of your empathy for her with such treasure over the past couple of weeks. So sad.

Actually however, since I have been having sex with Schmoop for nearly ten years, doesn't that mean that Dana got the sloppy seconds? Just thinkin'.

And before you say somethin' 'bout that...No, I don't mind being referred to as sloppy seconds. It's kinda hot!!

Lessee...What else, we got c'here? Um...

I don't think Schmoop really was pissed about not having a three way, but I will tell you, she was impressed with Dana's tits. And who wouldn't be, because, they're real, and they're spectacular. Just like Schmoop's, only even BIGGER!!

As for you "knowing" that Dana and I "practically fucked" on the couch, leads me to think a couple of things...

Either you fantasize about what we did, or you as always, are once again living vicariously through Dana.

Either way, you should stop, 'cause it's creepin' me the fuck out!! But...entertaining as always.

Lastly, you did get one thing correct. While Schmoop can toss back more than her fair share of beer, she does like Vodka. But then again, who doesn't?

Have a wunnerful weekend, Snugs. I'll be spending mine working, laughing, hangin' out with my kid, and getting Schmoop from behind while we drink Vodka, talk about Dana's tits, and thoroughly enjoy life.

And...I'm making Manwich. Or, should I call it, Sloppy Seconds Joes!! Ha!! Yum.

Cheers, Freak Show!! (end)

Oh I love it when other people write my posts for me!!

By the way, I was whoring around this morning as well.

After I took Ryno to school, and on the way to the Vet's office to get Corky her food, I passed the house of an old girlfriend.

When I got home, I emailed her and said:

I drove by your house a few minutes ago and I played with "it" as I passed.

She responded:

How odd...At about 0800 I had my vibrator out and was going, "Oooooweeeeeoohhhhh". Hope things are good.

Ha...I so dig open, upfront, smart, funny people.

Have a weekend, and as always...

Cheers!!