I Miss Bill Clinton

When I look back some three decades there are some things I miss from my childhood.

I miss first and foremost, my mom and dad of course, but there are a few other things that I miss as well.

I miss riding my bike in the summer sun as the pollen laden wind smacked me in the face and made me sneeze.

I miss the smell of fried baloney sandwiches on a warm summer day.

I miss a big pot of chili simmering on the stove on Christmas Eve as mom would stir it while wearing an ugly, ill-fitting, floral patterned apron.

Yeah…I miss those things from my childhood, but you know what I miss from my adulthood?

Aside from missing the night that Schmoop said to me:

“You are the first man to have ever given me an orgasm.”

I miss Bill Clinton.

As the mid-term elections draw near, the economy continues to sputter, and nay-saying, tea bagging candidates steep in their stupidity, I miss former President Clinton more and more.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t dislike President Obama, but the man is so cerebral, if he was getting a blow job from Michelle, he would say to himself…

“This is very pleasing, and my prostate thanks you for your efforts.”

Prior to the O-Man, we had Dubya who was quite the opposite. A forceful and matter-of-fact bastard whom I can hear uttering:

“I dig the Mexicans, but if they continue to kidnap Americans, I’ll cut their fucking heads off and make me a burrito sandwich out of the leftover shit.”

On the other hand, prior to both of these guys there was the Obama/Dubya mixture that was Bill Clinton.

President Clinton was the perfect storm of intelligence, foresight, national sensitivity, and you know what…I miss him.

Even to this day, when Clinton speaks, he not only says something intelligent, he illuminates how desperately this nation needs a political giant like him.

I understand the frustration of this country’s electorate, but c’mon….If the answer to the frustration is to vote for Sharron Angle, Joe Miller, Christine O’Donnell, and Carl “Fucking” Paladino? Screw It.

Oh, Dear God. They…are…morons. And…if you are one who is inclined to vote for those morons, YOU are a moron too.

I know…I know…FOX News, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean “Blockhead” Hannity will say my comment is elitist, but seriously, how can I be an elitist when I live in Bagwine, Ohio?

Fuck Em’ All.

If you vote for any of those folks or think that Sarah Palin would make a good President, you are stupid and must be shot, poisoned, or otherwise killed.

And that’s that.

But what about my right to vote and my First Amendment rights, you ask?

Ha…If you are voting for any of the folks I mentioned, you have no right to anything other than a government grant because you are obviously a thalidomide victim.

Anyhoo…

I guess my point is, people running for office today, suck. Big Time.

I miss Bill Clinton. I miss Statesmanship. I miss intelligence.

I don’t care how many chicks he had sex with.

I’ll take horny and smart over stupid and well, stupid, anytime.

Cheers!!

You can catch Jay and I discussing the stupid state of politics more thouroughly by listening to our I'm with Stupid Blog Talk Radio Show from yesterday:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Happy Birthday!!

Today? August 19th?

Holy Cow, Bitches, this is the one day a year I take off and honor others rather than praise Sarah Palin…

So here we go…

Here’s to Bill Clinton who turns 64 today. My fave Prez of my lifetime. Bill RAWKED, and that’s all I have to say about that.

I wrote about this chick the other day, who out of the blue, contacted me. I was her friend, but she was personally “contracted” with another guy.

I never cared about that, I thought we were still friends after 30 years. Yeah, well, I guess we weren’t friends while she was attached which is sad, but...c'mon how's about some illict sex for godssakes!!

Nonetheless, I still dig her and wish her all the best. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sherri…

Sherri and I have had sex in so many public places it’s incredible. Keep in mind, that was 25-30 years ago, so don’t think we’re still like that. But hell, bathrooms, tick infested beaches, sidewalks...we did it all.

Hell, anymore I never see her or hear from her unless she needs advice…Anyway, Happy Birthday Sherri!!

I still dig her…somewhat.

And now…the last Birthday.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Or more commonly known as, David, Schmoop’s brother.

David is a nut…No, literally…He’s fucking bat-shit crazy.

In fact, he’s like a woman.

His mood can change by the minute, but he has helped me and Schmoop out for years and still does, so how can I hate him?

I can’t.

In fact, I love the guy.

Anyway…Here’s to Bill Clinton and Sherri, but most of all, here’s to David.

In fact, I may hose Schmoop tonight and call her Sherri just to celebrate. On the other hand…

Schmoop may don a strap on, fuck me, and call me David. I know, that's icky, but.…

While they may be brother and sister, Schmoop and David are very close.

Very Close.

Cheers!!

It's Presidents' Day...Veto Your Hunger!!

A Bagwine tradition, updated for your bemusement...

What better way to laud our Presidents than to create an Executive Office restaurant with a full menu of culinary delights in their honor…

Ready for breakfast? How about trying an Abraham and Cheese Omelet? Instead of eating it along with boring slices of toast, try our Mary Todd Lincoln Crazy Bread.

If you phone ahead, you can even reserve the coveted John Wilkes Booth.

Eggs not your first choice? Perhaps you are more of a pancake and sausage kind of person, and prefer JFK to Honest Abe. No problem...

Order a plate full of our Bay of Pigs in a Blanket. The cakes are fluffy and the sausage has a hint of Cuban spices. Bueno!!

You can always stop by for lunch as well.

If you like a good hamburger try our Cow-Vin Coolidge Burger. We cook the beef until well done so the meat doesn’t make a sound. Silent Cal would have it no other way.

A well made Club Sandwich is increasingly hard to find, but not at our place. We use three layers of the best turkey, ham, roast beef, and the freshest tomato and lettuce in ours.

This is a giant sandwich inspired by a giant in American Politics, Franklin Roosevelt.

Order this, and the only thing your hunger will fear will be the deliciousness of our Cripple-Decker Club.

Maybe you’d like to nosh on a few appetizers. We got ’em. Try our Teddy Roosevelt inspired, Speak Softly and Carry a Big Fried Cheese on a Stick.

Another popular snack is our William McKinley Buffalo Wings. They are simply to die for.

We have plenty of dinner entrees from which to choose as well. One popular dish is our Chester A. Arthur Mutton Chops. These mutton chops are big and delicious just like Chester’s…minus the hair.

Not a glutton for mutton?

A rising star on our dinner menu is the other white meat in the form of our uber-juicy James K. Polk Chops.

These chops are butterflied and stuffed with spinach, bleu cheese, and seasoned with copious amounts of obscurity. Who knew that our eleventh President tasted so good!?

We also offer tribute to former White House Wizard, George W. Bush. For a big, Texas-Sized appetite try our Iraq of Lamb. Upon trying this dish, President Bush said, “Dang, these is some good.”

We offer some great Italian fare. Start off with our Benjaminestrone Harrison soup, followed by a James A. Garfield of Arugula salad and top your repast off with our award winning Harry Trumanicotti.

Are you more a fan of seafood and Obama? We’ve got you covered. Try either our Oysters Barackerfeller or our Deep Fried Mishellfish Platter.

Ready for dessert? Try our Andrew Johnson Impeachment Cobbler, Sherbet Hoover, or even though she’s not a President, we honor Sarah Palin with our mouth watering, Half Baked Alaska.

Well there you have it, a menu fit for a President. And don't forget...

If you like the food here and want to come back again and again, sign up for huge discounts by purchasing our William H. Taft Frequent Diner Card. Good times, good times...

I think I’ll celebrate by having a cocktail before I go.

I’ll mix some blue vodka, a splash of sweet, charming Vermouth, and a shot of ego…

Mmmmm...I love a good Bill Clintini in the morning. Happy Presidents Day!!

Cheers!!

P.S. The White Death is on its way to Bagwine, Ohio yet again...Oh the Humanity!!

Euna Lee, Laura Ling, and Bill Clinton's Egg Roll

Former President Bill Clinton after being out of office for eight years proved on Tuesday that he is still The Man.

Bill Clinton flew to North Korea, or as it is officially known, “Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea” (that name still cracks me up) and less than 24 hours later, he lifted off to return back to the U.S. with recently imprisoned journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling in tow.

The charm, persuasion, and charisma of Clinton was too much for the Crazy Motherfucker-in-Chief of North Korea, Kim Jong Mentally-Il to resist.

After spending time with Clinton, Krazy Kim pardoned the journalists who had been sentenced to twelve years hard labor for illegally entering the paradise that is North Korea.

Hell, I guess the two had a great meeting and good times discussing things other than the fate of the two journalists.

Kim even held a State Dinner for former Prez Clinton.

I don’t know how Clinton felt about that, because it’s kind of hard to get excited about a meal consisting of fettered water, tainted rice and dirt sandwiches. But, it’s the thought that counts.

Anyhoo…Clinton pulled off the release and I say to him…

“Way to go my man. Your years of having Al Gore by your side have given you unparalleled skills in dealing with crazy people.”

Oh how we need to send Clinton elsewhere in this world full of people whose cranial glue has melted.

I truly think his actions and successful negotiations are strokes of beauty. I hope other people recognize that as well. I seriously doubt that anyone else could have pulled this off. Kudos, Mr. Clinton.

It reminds me of the time fifteen years ago when former President Carter visited North Korea. He was smoothing things over on behalf of our two nations…and that worked pretty well too.

Eight years after Carter’s peace and humanity talks with the North Koreans, he won the Nobel Peace Prize and the Koreans had a nuclear weapons program. Talk about your win-win situation!!

I can’t see where this effort by Clinton will win him the Nobel Peace Prize, but I wouldn’t feel too badly for Clinton. Being a man who has no ego, Clinton is not into awards, praise, or acknowledgement.

No sirree; he is into one thing, and one thing only…

Is it personal success? Is it his sense of duty to his fellow man? Is it simply his adherence to the Golden Rule? No…

Bill Clinton is really into chicks of Asian descent. And trust me, while he won’t get a major award for his actions, all the way home, he was eatin’ at Euna and Laura's Sushi Bar.

I hope the three of you had an incredibly hot, steamy, and bumpy flight home together.

Congrats to Bill Clinton and a warm welcome home to Euna Lee and Laura Ling.

Cheers!!

Three Out of Four Shrinks Agree...It's Birthday Time!!

Boy have we got big Birthday doings goin’ on here today…

But first, when looking at my site meter yesterday, I saw that a new visitor had graced my pages.

I don’t know who it was, but if you look at the group for whom this person works, it makes perfect sense…

Visitor Information: 192.231.215.4 (AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSOC) [Label Visitor] Location: WASHINGTON, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, UNITED STATES (APA.ORG)

Last Visit Time: August 18, 2008 10:06:37 AM Length of this Visit: 0 hours and 3 minutes Page Viewed This Visit: 3 Returning Visits: 0 Entry Page:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2008/04/martin-luther-king-jr-in-name-of-love.html Exit Page: http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2008/08/your-last-half-of-august-2008-bagwine.html Referrer: http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=%2Bmlktoast&ei=UTF-8&norw=1&fr=yfp-t-5 01&fr2=sp-qrw-orig-top&xargs=0&pstart=1&b=11

I want to thank the employees of the American Psychological Association for checking out my site. Your input and thoughts about BR would be most appreciated.

And now, to the business at hand…Birthday Fest at Bagwine Ruminations!!

We start the festivities off with Bill Clinton. Former President Pocket Rocket turns 62 today.

Speaking as one who has run several political campaigns and all policy issues aside, he is without a doubt the most accomplished campaigner of my time.

He is pure genius as a politician, however, I think at age 62, years of syphilis gone untreated have caught up with him, and eaten away at his, “it’s time to shut the fuck up filter.”

Anyway, Happy Birthday President Clinton, eat a big piece of pie for me today.

Next, is someone whom I spoke about on Sunday’s post. A woman who I went with for roughly (and boy do I mean, "roughly" rowwwrrrr) five years between the ages of 15-20. A woman with whom I still speak with today…Sherri.

Sherri turns 44 today and I bring her up again today because I left something out on Sunday’s post. Sherri and I will be forever linked.

You see, many years ago, she gave to me, something I will live with for the rest of my life. No, not herpes you wretched bastards.

See the picture? See the earring? That earring is in my ear because on my 17th birthday some 26 years ago, Sherri paid for me to have my ear pierced.

Is that the epitome of teenage love, or what? Damn straight it is. Anyway, have a great birthday Sherri.

If you can, stop by and see me at work tonight…I’ll give ya some Birthday tongue. Oh wait, it’s your birthday, not mine…Disregard.

Lastly, today marks the 55th Birthday of Schmoop’s brother David. Look at that picture; Ol’ Dave looks pretty damn good for 55.

Dave is full of piss, full of vinegar, and more often than not, full of Budweiser.

Sure, he can be grumpy, but he is also kinda funny and he would do anything for Schmoop or I. And often, he has.

So David, my every three months shaver of my scalp, my sports watching compatriot, my brother…Happy Birthday to you.

There you have it folks…Three birthdays, two people whom I really like alot, and one great excuse to break open the Bagwine.

I hope you join me in wishing them all a very Happy Birthday.

Cheers!!

NOTE: Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show is now on Tuesday nights at 8 EDT. I will be at work, but I hope you all tune in, because Bagwine fave Dana, will be her Special Guest tonight. For details, click HERE.

A Revolutionary World of What Ifs...

I have often wondered what would have happened if our leaders of today were alive when this nation of ours was born.

Would things have been different? Let’s take a look, shall we?

Senator Larry Craig, would not be a Senator from Idaho, of course…

Perhaps a ranking member in the Continental Congress, from, let’s say…Virginia.

During a break in the voting on the Declaration of Independence, Delegate Craig would follow fellow Virginian and declaration signer, Francis Lightfoot Lee to the Congressional outhouse.

Upon entering and seeing Lightfoot Lee pissing, Craig would say, “Oooo Francis, may I drop trowel as well and play as though we are lonely swashbucklers upon the sea, with thee?”

That action would lead to Craig (and his signature) being replaced by Carter Braxton.

However, Craig would later serve on the first Supreme Court, setting a precedent that there must be one gay man on the Court. A tradition alive and well today in the form of Justice Antonin Scalia.

Now John McCain…We all know that he was alive back then, as evidenced by this picture of him and Ben Franklin.

The only difference with Johnny Mac is that back then, he served in the Army, not the Navy.

He would be captured on September 10, 1777 during the Battle of Brandywine, and held by the Brits as a POW.

Much more horrendous than the beatings he took from the Vietnamese, his torture would consist of being force fed British cuisine. Oh the Humanity!!

Barack Obama? He’d be a slave of course.

He’s spend his days working the corn and tobacco crop on Thomas Jefferson’s grounds near Monticello.

He’d be kept down by the man ‘neath the hot Virginia sun singing spirituals, and telling his fellow slaves that he would be President after the war.

They would all laugh at him…kinda like we all did a year or so ago.

Then at night, he’d retire to his bunk and kiss his wife, Sally Hemings, and their kids goodnight…

And then he’d turn to Sally and ask, “Why the hell are our kids so damn white looking?”

Lastly, I ponder…What if George Bush had been around then?

Move over John Hancock...Dubya would be President of the Continental Congress when the declaration was signed.

And to this day, instead of Hancock’s voluminous, artistic signature at the bottom of that history altering document, there would be a ginormous “Y”.

Why “Y”? Because the fucktard mispelled “X”.

Later, on June 14, 1777, George would stand upon the deck of the John Paul Jones commanded frigate, Ranger, for a portrait-op...

Declaring, “Thy Mission...tis’ Accomplished.”

He’d be right…Well, several years and many deaths later.

And so, there you have my take on an alternative revolutionary world.

I’m sure that Bill Clinton and Ben Franklin would have tag teamed Marie-Antoinette while on “diplomatic assignment” to France, as well.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hail to the Chief, and the Chef!!

I feel like a King who just got his wish...

We are actually going to get above the freezing mark today when we top out at a whoppingly warm 34 Degrees.

Pass me my Holy Shorts and fire up the grill, Amen.

I would look good in my shorts by the way, because after a mere 18 days of meatlessness, I have lost 7 pounds.

I am now a stunningly sexy 6 foot tall 194 pound loooove machine, and I won’t work for nobody but you.

And listen up my fellow parishioners, the balmy weather and weight loss isn’t the only excitement going on in our town…

Bill Clinton is a-comin’ to our fair burg. That’s right, at nine o’clock this evening, the 62,000 denizens of Bagwine, Ohio will be treated to a Presidential pop-in.

He was here in 1992, and I went to see him that time. I don’t think I can go to see the big guy tonight.

The event is being held at the relatively new and expansive Bagwine YMCA. My body shudders, I break out in hives, and become nauseas whenever I get within 200 feet of any type of exercise equipment.

I’d rather not appear on TV lying on the floor in a puddle of anxiety goo…sobbing. I’ll leave the spotlight to shine on Billy Boy.

I do have other things to occupy my Sabbath. I am going to go over to Schmoop’s Mom’s house and pick up the purse she left there yesterday.

I am then going to go see Ryno again for a few, and when I get back to the digs, I am putting my meatless vow on the line.

Poor Schmoop is suffering from the monthly menstrual curse brought on by that selfish, insatiable Eve chick.

Because The Schmoopster's basement is flooding and she feels under the weather, I am going to prepare fresh, handmade Bagwine Burgers for her.

Why would I torture myself like that?

Because…I’m Matt-Man, bitch, and for those I love, and with whom I still maintain a slight chance of having sex, I go that extra mile...

Physically, Spiritually, and Culinarily. Take that Satan.

And now, let us bow our heads and pray…

Holy Father, as I work my meat in the kitchen today, give me the strength to avoid temptation by keeping my meat from passing across my lips.

Almighty Claymation Director, I hear that Ralph Nader is going to be on Meet The Press this morning.

Help him to realize that running for President AGAIN may feed his fragile ego, but most prefer him to get drunk, hop into a Corvair, and crash into a telephone pole.

Lastly O’ Great Googly Moogly of Machinations, there are only five days left in Black History Month. Help me to become part of Black History by allowing me to have sex with Tyra Banks before month’s end.

To all of this, Lord Hear Our Prayer…

Amen, and Amen.

Speaking of my Tyra Banks dreams…Today’s Sunday Serenade comes to us courtesy of The Cranberries. Headed by the Emerald Isle lovely, Dolores O’Riordan enjoy their song, Dreams.

Cheers!!

Catch Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio show tonight at 8 PM EST. For details, click HERE.