Could Ya Throw A Brutha Some Good Karma?

If you listened to I’m With Stupid or read my post this past Sunday, you know one thing for sure…

Matt-Man is in a Karma funk. Allow me to ‘splain…

My computer which has slowly been going to the dogs, has damn near barked its last bite. But, is getting replaced on Thursday.

Nonetheless…

The crashing could not have come at a more inopportune time, and in the meantime...

I will continue to listen to my current computer making a garbled, incoherent, moaning sound that resembles the noise made when Helen Keller had orgasms.

Our phone went to shit and our router box may or may not have gone to shit. Okay, I can get that replaced free.

And dig this…

Last Monday, I was getting ready for work, and a cross that I wear on a chain around my neck, fell off and went into the toilet as I was peeing.

I said to myself…

“Self, this can’t be a good sign, but I must stick my hand into my own urine and save the symbol of the Little Baby Jeebus.”

I did. I parted the Yellow Sea and saved the cross.

And then on my Fantasy football team, I got rid of a running back and picked up a sleeper named Montario Hardesty. This guy is a touchdown machine.

The same day I picked him up, he indeed, during a pre-season game, scored a touchdown, and then later in the game?

He tore his fucking ACL and is out for the season.

And then, I find out that T.J Houshmandzadeh who is one of my starting WR’s gets cut by the Seahawks.

What the Fuck?

So, I pick up a loser castaway WR from the Cowboys in Patrick Crayton. At this point I’m thinking…

“Gee, when is my spectacular QB Matt Schaub announcing that he has converted to Mormonism and will leave the NFL to serve a two year mission in Botswana or Sierra Leone?”

So far, that hasn’t happened, but I expect it anytime now, and if it does happen? I'm going to fuck Glenn Beck in the ass and make it hurt!!

Oy…and then, yesterday, Monday fucking morning…I go out to the kitchen, hit the light switch, and one of the fluorescent lights assplodes.

On top of all this, Schmoop is getting rid of the couch I love, people hate me, and my hemorrhoids are acting up.

I don’t get it…I’m such a nice person. And yet, what do I get for it?

Damn right…Heartache!!

I’m working all day today, so be nice to one and other in my absence.

Maybe if you are nice on my site, the good Karma will osmomatically return to me.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Are You Ready for Some Footbal!?

It’s going to be a hot Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today and damn busy in a super happy fun way.

It’s been a long week, but I am off today and ready to spend my time in the AC, while swilling beer and catching up on blog and show related crap.

It’s amazing how far one can fall behind on that stuff when one has no internet access at work with which to fuck off visit porn sites perform a public service for the masses.

This morning, I am already reeling from the results of my Fantasy Football draft in Jayman’s Open Bar League.

The draft transpired automatically at 5 AM this morning and well…for my team, The Eager Biebers, it’s a mixed bag.

I dig get the two QB’s that I wanted. Matt Schaub of the Texans will be my starter and Matt Ryan of the Falcons is a more than adequate back up.

I also managed for the second straight year to get the best running back that no one was ever heard of, Pierre Thomas of the Saints.

I have a couple of stellar Tight Ends, a decent but not outstanding WR corps, and the same great kicker I have had for three straight years in Ryan Longwell, but my two defenses?

M’eh. Oh well, I didn’t have what I thought to be a very good team last year and managed to win it all, Bitches. So…we’ll see.

I am breaking out the crockpot today. Schmoop had a craving for my five bean chili, so in order to secure some sex from her, I shall make it so.

I thinks the stars are aligned favorably in that area, because when she was making the bed this morning, she said…

“Oooh, I need to put a new cum towel beside the bed!!”

Just for some extra insurance, I will be making a batch of green onion cornbread as well.

Lastly….Jayman and I will be doing our Blog Talk Radio Show at 11 AM EDT today. If you have the time, be sure to tune into I’m With Stupid on BTR.

It promises to be another Marconi Award winning show.

Of course…

Promises are easily broken.

Amen, and Amen.

Hope to see you ‘round the internets somehow and somewhere today. Enjoy your Day.

Cheers!!

I'd Love To Chat, But My Feet Need Amputated

Let me tell you folks…Yesterday was rough.

I worked the Beer Mine all day and it was cold. When I got there in the morning it was 6 degrees and when I left eight hours later, it was a balmy 18.

The wind chill during that time? Anywhere from -5 to 10. It was so damn frigid I could smell the cold.

It smelled like rotten bananas that had been dipped in wombat shit and pissed on by Billy Bob Thornton. The smell stayed with me all day because it froze to my nasal lining with each inhalation.

Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.

Funny thing…when it’s colder outside than it is within the vaginal void that exists between Ann Coulter’s legs, people seem to enjoy talking to me as I stand next to them while they sit inside their warm car.

“Cold enough for ya?”

Yeah, I heard that 8,000 times yesterday. A couple of times I came close to responding by saying...

“Yes, but not as cold as the type of cold I’d like you to experience. You see, dumbass…

Upon hearing that stupid question, I want you to experience the absolute cold that you feel once I kick your empty head in, and rip your internal organs out.

And then, my valued customer, I am going to dig your grave in the frozen ground, with your femur I might add, and prior to me putting your dying, rotting corpse within it, I am going to force you to watch me sodomize your wife.

Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.

THAT’S how cold I would like it to be, okay? Now thank you, and come again.”

Oy Vay…And I get to do it all over again today. But all was not loss yesterday.

When I got home Sunday night I was greeted by some good news.

As many of you know, I have been participating in a Fantasy Football League set up by Bagwine fave, Jay. Well my friends…

Yesterday was the last game and my team, The Jonas Brothers, were in the Championship game against the formidable team, The Pantless Freaks.

After a long arduous season, The Jonas Brothers assumed their rightful place as Champions of the Open Bar Fantasy Football League.

My Jonas Brothers juggernaut swept to victory in decisive fashion. In fact, you could say that the Jonas Brothers beat the pants off of their opponent, but as you can see from the name of the opponent they didn’t have any to begin with.

But anyhow…My team has won the League and I want to thank the Jay-Man for setting it up. Here’s to my coaching prowess, and a rare scrap of luck.

Have a wonderful Monday all. I’m going to be spending mine, freezing my ass off and digging graves for assholes.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Jonas Brothers Define Football and Life

This is it. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

It all comes down to this frozen day in the early part of January. I, the Matt-Man, in spite of my personal ineptness, have managed to make it to the Championship Game.

What Championship Game, you ask.?

The infinite, the penultimate, the Super Bowl of Fantasy Football. And I …must…win.

My good friend Jay put together an ESPN Fantasy Football League. As I did last year, I took advantage of the offer to participate.

My team, on the sarcastic advice of my son was named, The Jonas Brothers.

Like last year, I assembled a team of average receivers, less than average running backs, and no outstanding tight end.

The Jonas Brothers were set for fantasy gridiron action.

I do have Peyton Manning and Matt Schaub so I have a couple of good quarterbacks, and a great kicker in Ryan Longwell, but that’s it.

I figured I’d be “okay”, but I knew my team would soon fade ’neath the rush of teams with extraordinary talent.

I was wrong…My team, made up of relatively “average” guys, has made it to the Championship game.

Don’t get me wrong, I have some players that are considered pretty good, but they're not the cell phone calling, butt shaking touchdown dance, household name kinda of guys that you see on TV on sometimes.

I have played all year with a bunch of guys who just do their jobs. Who instead of thinking, “can’t wait to perform my next TD dance”, think of the next catch, and the next game, and their next job.

My team has made it with the likes of Pierre Thomas who is no Adrian Peterson. With Roddy White who is no Terrell Owens, and with Kellen Winslow, Jr. who is no Tony Gonzalez.

Win or lose today, and whether you follow football or not, this a lesson we should all take heed.

Even if you’re not the best, or the flavor of the month...Keep plugging away, because you may eventually reach the pinnacle.

Ha. I find it funny that Fantasy Football in this post seems important, but whatever it takes, I guess. Sometimes we all find lessons in the silliest things. At least I did.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

Wuuuuuuv...Twuuuuuue Wuuuuuuv

I'm feelin' much better today and will be headed back to work this evening. Hoo-Fucking-Ray!!

I must grudgingly admit, that one of the reasons I am feeling better is that I listened to my boss, Drive-By Mikey and stayed home yesterday. I hate it when he's right.

There is also one other reason that I am feeling better today.

Can you identify the picture below..?


That's right Bagwine readers. That's my couch/bed, Kelly, and that is where I sleep every night.

She is a comfort to me. However, during my illness she could not alone handle my needs of comfort and support.

So, recognizing this, someone else stepped in and filled that void. Who and how you ask? Look at the picture below and I shall 'splain.

The above picture is a shot of the makeshift bed that my BFF/OSP Schmoop constructed Sunday night on the living room floor in front of Kelly.

When I came home in pain Sunday night, Schmoop decided to take eveything off of her bed and turn the floor into her sleeping quarters in case I needed anything during the night.

She had done the same thing when I was in excruciating pain the night before I went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago.

While there are a myriad of grand and fancy things a person can do to show their love for another...

I dig the little things like this. Actions like the makeshift bed are not pre-meditated or contrived. They just happen.

I dig ya Schmoop and thanks.

On a completely unrelated note, I have an announcement.

My ESPN Fantasy Football team, The Jonas Brothers, who compete with the likes of Jay-Man, Dana, and Vin, have taken over sole posession of 1st place in The Open Bar League with a record of 7-3.

Why do I mention this when the season is far from over? Because I have had very little luck this year and I know that my boys can quickly go from being 7-3 to 7-6 in a span of three weeks.

So, while my 1st place position may be temporary, I am going to temporarily enjoy the hell out of it.

Have a Day, and remember, don't mess with a Disney Channel fueled Boy Band when on the gridiron.

Cheers!!