Sheep, Goats, and Anonymity

It's Saturday folks and don't you miss those cartoons full of talking animals and the such?

Wile E. Coyote? Bugs Bunny? Porky Pig?

Well...

I don't have any of those classic characters for you today, but...

I do have the owner of the Beer Mine and locally renown farmer, Drive-By Mikey, educating us all on the subtle difference between the sound that sheep make, and the sound that goats make.

Enjoy...



I hope this has brightened your day just a bit, and if it hasn't or even if it has...

Make sure to listen to Jayman and Matt-Man on I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 6:30 PM EDT tonight.

They have a guest in studio who thinks being anonymous on the internet is not only the way to go, but his right as well.

For further show details, go HERE.

Zoooooves!!

My Vacation is the Shits

I really must return to work. I must, even if no one is there. I don’t care.

Ok, enough. I must tell you all what happened to me today. It was pure fuckery. Not dumbfuckery, just, um, plain fuckery. Yeah that’s it.

Oh, the day started out innocently enough. Matt-Man went to see his son. I saw him off with a cup of coffee and a kiss. I then went about my day.

Who the fuck am I kidding..?

I had no idea that the man left. I got up at 11:00, checked my blog, and opened a beer. This, my friends, is vacation.

I thought…

“You know Beth, you really need to do something today. Anything. Um…for real.”

For God’s sake, I haven’t worn makeup in three days, and my eyebrows have taken over my face. God, I’m pathetic.

So I took a shower, threw a ball hat on, and went to the bank. Where I waited, and waited.

Evidently, one teller had run out of money, so there was only one working. How in the Sam Hell do you run out of money in a bank? So, I wait.

Finally…I’m out of the bank, then I’m headed to mail my bills. That went off without a hitch. Of course it did. They’re bills.

I’m now on the way to the Beer Mine, because I need beer, smokes, and a lighter.

Someone, not naming names, couldn’t remember to get me a lighter. Oh, no. Just because he works there, and by the way sold six lighters yesterday alone…Assmunch.

I went thru…Drive By Mikey starts showing me his leg. Par for the course, when I’m alone. Even when I’m not. The man is shameless. Also adorable. Hi Mikey!

So I give him my order, ask Pizza Bill why he is there…duh working. My brain is seriously lacking in cells.

Well to make a long story longer, I asked for a lighter. A simple thing, just something to light my cancer sticks with.

I should have known when Mikey handed me my smokes with the lighter under them, that I would have a problem.

I didn’t say a word, but this lighter…is…diarrhea brown.

I guess this is the color they can’t get rid of. People reject this color. Me? I just figured it fit with the way my day was going.

Shit.

Zoooooves!!

Oh The Times...They Are A-Channnnngin'

Happy Friday Chuckleheads…

Only a brief post today as I found out last night AT 9:15 NO LESS, that The Beer Mine is going to a new schedule beginning when?

THAT’S RIGHT…TODAY!!

So, yours truly has to go in today at 1 P.M. I’d like to thank the owner and my good friend, Drive-By Mikey, for the additional hours and THE ADVANCED NOTICE OF SAID CHANGES!!

Hee…When Mikey is ready to implement changes he implements them post haste.

Of course with these new changes, comes yet another change in time for I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

Jayman and I will be broadcasting this week’s show tomorrow (which for most of you, that means Saturday) at 6:30 PM EDT.

This week Jay and I will be discussing the always exciting Kentucky Derby, and in a related story our correspondent Frank Furlong will be reporting from our 1^st Annual IWS Celebrity Race.

We will also wax poetically about Mother’s Day.

We will discuss the beauty and love with which our moms have graced our lives and of course a Mother’s Day discussion is not complete without us discussing our favorite MILFs.

So there it is folks…

A Kentucky Derby Mother’s Day on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio Saturday (which for most of you, that means tomorrow) at 6:30 PM EDT.

You can listen to us, join the chat room, and even call in with thoughts about your mom and/or how the Old Gray Mare just ain’t what she used to be.

All of that on I’m With Stupid at 6:30 PM EDT tomorrow on Blog Talk Radio.

You can access our BTR Radio page by clicking HERE.

Off to the Mine, but as always…

Cheers!!

Back on the Chain Gang

Pizza Bill and I are headed back to the employ of Drive-By Mikey and The Beer Mine later this week, so…

I thought this would be a perfect time to re-visit the rules in order to make your trip through the Beer Mine speedy and enjoyable for yourself, the staff, and the customers in the cars behind you.  First off, an easy one. Drive-By Mikey’s Golden Rule:

No complaining…especially about the prices. If you complain about our prices, you will be told, “Well, Speedway’s down the street.”If you have three kids with you DO NOT wait until you pull in to ask, “What do you want kids?”

If you do this, you will forever be hated not only by us, but the other customers waiting patiently. If the kids don’t know, make their damn minds up for them. Quit spoiling the rotten little shits.

Another good way to speed things up for everyone, is to know if you have money PRIOR to pulling in and ordering.

Call me crazy, but when I go to buy something, I usually know if I have money on me. Just sayin’.

This leads to a related rule…

Know where your goddamn money is. Don’t order and wait until I get back with everything to stick your sweaty hand into a purse the size of a hefty bag looking for your money. Have it at the ready.

And please…if your order comes to, oh let’s say…$15.34? Don’t hand me a 20 and then say, “Hold on, I think I have 34 cents in here. It’ll help you out.”

It doesn’t help me out; the time you take to root around for cum stained pennies pisses me the fuck off, and those behind you even more so.

Oh by the way…DO NOT wait until we gather up all of your shit, ring it up, and then bring it to you to ask, “You take debit and/or credit cards right?”
We don’t. You might want to ask that when you first pull in, Einstein.

Knowing EXACTLY what you want helps too. If you tell me that you want a pack of Marlboro Menthols and I bring them to you and then you ask...

“Do you have these in 100’s?”, my answer will of course be, “no.” While I am pretty fucking amazing, I’m not Kreskin.

DO NOT ask us, “What kind of pop do you have?”

We only have a couple pop coolers and they are quite visible, so just look around quickly sport, unless of course you are a blind fucker, which leads me to the next rule…

If you are blind, you shouldn’t be driving and going through the Beer Mine.

I may enjoy you as a customer, but really…when there is a line of cars behind you, I do not have time to hear how your wife left you, how you got VD from your dog, or the smell of your weepy abscess. Get your beer and move along.

If we ask you for your ID, and you say, “Well, how old do you think I am?”

Know this…We really don’t fucking care, as long as you are old enough to buy smokes and/or alcohol.

If you want us to go outside during a thunderstorm to get you a bag of ice, we will say, “I’m sorry; we’re out.”

And lastly (for now) if I scan something and it doesn’t ring up the first time, I don’t want to hear for the 10,000th time:

“Hee Hee…If it didn’t scan the first time it’s free.”

If that happens and you say that, it’s not only not free, the price just went up 100% and I will pee all over your tires.

I hope that these guidelines can help us all have a more enjoyable upcoming summer at the Beer Mine.

The owner and staff of the Beer Mine appreciate your attention.

Cheers!!

Festivus and Photographs

Well it’s the week leading up to Christmas, and I know you’re all busy so I shall be brief. Well…

As brief as I can be…

If you didn’t catch Jayman and I RAW on I’m With Stupid last Thursday at 11 PM EST, you can listen to it here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

And, for your programming information, this Thursday December 23rd at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, we will be having our Festivus Celebration!!

Jay and I will be airing our grievances and you are free to listen, and call in with yours. Lay it on us, Bitches…Tell us what you hate about us. It’ll be Festivus fun for one and all!!

With that being said…

There is a new website in the blogosphere that needs your attention. It is the brand new website of my friend and everyone’s favorite Drive-Thru owner, Drive-By Mikey!!

He has a site up and for those of you who know him and his antics, it is nothing that you would expect from him.

The name of his site is, Drive-By Mike Photography and you can check it out by clicking HERE.

It’s just getting going but it has some goooood shit on it.


So, if you get a chance check him out, and thanks!!

Time to write a Festivus Song for Thursday so, I’ll catch up with ya sometime today!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Mike Man Cometh

It’s going to be a chilly Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today, but there is a smoldering ember of joy and excitement, um…smoldering…in my heart.

In less than 24 hours there will be a new and vibrant website gracing the tubes of the internets.

Ladies and gentlmen sometime tomorrow, before noon at the latest, my friend and owner of the storied Beer Mine, Drive-By Mike, will have his own website.

You know him on here as a jokester, yakker, and all-around wacky guy, but tomorrow you are going to see him as never before.

I’ll have a link up tomorrow here on BR, so make sure you visit him and say, “Hi!!”

Tomorrow...It's a Celebration!!

For now…that is all…there is much work to be done.

Cheers!!

911? I'm Being Robbed!!

If you read my Sunday post, you know that I was given some disturbing news at work on Saturday evening.

Saturday at about 5:30 PM, an undercover cop came through the Beer Mine and informed me that several Beer Drive-Thrus in the area had been robbed by armed thugs.

He was going around to give all places such as ours a heads up. I appreciated it, but it put me on edge a bit…made me a bit nervous.

Anyhoo…

I worked 11-7 on Sunday and with this info still fresh in my mind I began to lock up at 7 PM. I was in the office doing my closing shit when there was a knock on the door to the outside.

Nervously, I yelled to the unseen fucker…

“We’re closed!!”

The knocking on the glass continued and I said once again…

“We’re closed asshole!!”

The glass door is covered with a full door sized poster so you can’t see in or out.

The anonymous rapping continued and got louder. I bellowed:

“Damn it!! Get the fuck outta here or I’ll call the cops!!”

The knocking continued so I dialed 911 when I hear in addition to the knocking of the potential armed robber on the outside chuckling and then saying to me through the door…

“Hee. Hee. Matt, it’s Mike!!”

I hung up the phone; let the “incredibly amusing” owner of the Beer Mine in, as he was laughing his ass off.

Two seconds later, the Police called me back stating they received a 911 hang up from us and wanted to know if everything was alright.

I explained to the dispatcher everything was fine and the problem was, and I quote…

“My damn boss!!”

Drive-By Mike was rolling and so was I by then, but was still fucking pissed off as hell at the same time!! Fucker.

And there you have it…My incredible excitement from the Beer Mine yesterday. And?

I get to do it all over today and I believe the cops may get called again, because I am seriously considering taking the baseball bat we keep in the office and bludgeoning Drive-By Mikey with it.

Have a wonderful Monday all and if you’d like to listen to the Thanksgiving episode of I’m With Stupid, just click on the spiffy sound machine:

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Up and Down

It’s going to be a warm and windy Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today making my stint at the Beer Mine from 11-7 relatively comfortable.

Let me tell ya; that will be more than welcome as yesterday at the Mine was full of many ups and downs.

Early in the day Drive-By Mikey called me and we discussed the abysmal state of beer sales in Bagwine.

I think that due to the economy, people have turned to cooking their own meth instead of drinking. I am going to try to confirm my hypothesis by checking to see if sales of Sterno and Sudafed are on the rise.

After our depressing conversation, I looked out to the lot and there in their van sat Ryno and his mom. My mood improved.

Ryno’s mom and I held our weekly exchange. I gave her 130 dollars and she gave me a Double Cheeseburger and a cup of coffee. As that trade-off demonstrates, I am one helluva wily negotiator.

Eh, my mood improved as Ryno described how well he played during his basketball scrimmage that they had just come from.

And then…Ryno pulled out his Interim Report Card. My heart sank briefly as I envisioned his usual cadre of C’s, D’s, and F’s, and then I opened it up.

Praise Jeebus!! He had 4 A’s, a B, and 2 C’s. Hopefully, he has broken his habitual academic laziness for good. My mood was pretty good upon seeing the grades.

And then my mind wandered back to the state of my employment as I noticed the lack of business coming through the Mine.

Eh…Later in the day shortly after the sun had gone down, I was waiting on a guy and the car behind him freaked the shit right out of me.

I noticed a police officer in an unmarked car. Sitting…Idling…Staring. I thought to myself…

“Fuck. Did I sell to a minor?”

Panic set in, as in a matter of 2.3 seconds, I recalled every customer that had come through on Saturday.

He pulled up, rolled down his window, and in quite the official tone said, “Good Evening, Sir.”

I thought, “Oh Boy, here comes the other shoe.”

Turns out that he wasn’t there to arrest me for mistakenly selling a can of Steel Reserve to an eight year old with a beard which made me happy, however…

Instead he was there to alert me to the fact that several Drive-Thrus in Bagwine had recently been robbed at gunpoint. Weeeeeeee. Put a happy hat on me after that info!!

So much for the short lived joy of my non-arrest…I had another thing to worry about. And worry I did.

Instead of truly paying attention to what I was doing, I was watching the street while waiting on customers.

In fact I was so distracted, that last night’s drawer could very well be off hundreds of dollars. Not literally, but you get the point.

I was focused on the perimeter of the Mine not the money I was handling.

And then…

My rollercoaster of emotions got a bit of a lift about an hour before close. A regular came through and told me how his girlfriend had just told him that I was the best Drive-Thru guy on the planet.

That was nice. I smiled as I paced around the outside of the building keeping an eye out for neer-do-wells.

My nervousness was broken with a laugh as I waited on a hot, barely 18 year chick and her hot friend just before close.

The chick wanted cigarettes. I carded her and upon seeing she had turned 18 last month I sold them to her and then she asked…

“Hey, you wouldn’t mind selling me a 24 ounce Corona, would ya?” To which I responded…

“Sure dear.”

With happiness beaming from her face with the light of a thousand suns she said…

“Really!!?” And I chuckled and retorted…

“No.”

Ha!! As she drove off, she didn’t know whether to laugh at me or be pissed off at me. I like leaving that impression on people.

In a muck and mire of up and downs I drove home and walked into the digs at around 9:10 and was greeted with this:


(Check out the orb that showed up in the picture. We have spirits living in the digs.!!)

Yep. Christmas has come to Bagwine. In spite of her disdain for Christmas, Schmoop had decorated the apartment for Christmas because she knows I dig it.

After a few beers and a pint of Rose, I thanked Schmoop…Twice!!

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday and I’ll see ya ‘round the internets after work and my Sunday night visit to Ryno.

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Many of you in the Midwest experienced some violent weather Tuesday and we did too. However…

While some areas near me got hammered, Bagwine proper did not suffer anything devastating.

I did shoot two minutes of the storm that passed through Bagwine as Drive-By Mikey and I were at the Beer Mine…



That was pretty much it. I was hoping for more meteorological excitement, but alas, it was not to be.

I’m off all day today, and you know what that means…Damn Right!! Drinking and Cooking!!

It is Chicken Shit night at the Bagwine Digs. I will be making my recent culinary invention once again and it will look, as it did the last time, something like this…

I may have a new twist. And, if the new twist meets Schmoop’s approval, there me be Hump Day sex in my future.

Today I will also be prepping hard with the Jayman in order to get this week’s installment of I’m With Stupid ready for our Friday night broadcast on Blog Talk Radio.

Friday night you say? That’s right, Bitches!!

Due to a change in my Beer Mine schedule, I’m With Stupid is moving to 11 PM EDT beginning this Friday October 29th.

Friday’s show will be our, I’m With Stupid Halloween Party.

We will have Halloween related movie promos for you, discuss our Halloween Party horror stories, and of course our weekly I’m with Stupid football picks which will include some college games this week.

We hope you will join us, listen in, and call-in to discuss all things Halloween such as the most creative and or funny costumes you or your friends have worn.

It will be ghoulish laughs galore, and blood curdling screams of hilarity this Friday at 11 PM EDT on, I’m With Stupid.

You can go to our Blog Talk Radio page by clicking: HERE.

And don’t forget kidz…As tomorrow is Thursday here on Bagwine Ruminations there will be another award-winning installment of, He Said…She Said.

Schmoop and I do so enjoy doing those. But…

As Jay and I have a short week to prepare our weekly radio nightmare, I must now bid you adieu.

Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

Autumnal Equinox Hodgepodge

Welcome to the first day of Fall chuckleheads. Fall begins this evening at 11:09 PM.

It’s appropriate that Fall begins today as I am off all day and plan on drinking much which could very well lead to me falling down.

And on Thursday…The Jewish observance of the Feast of the Tabernacles, better known as Sukkot begins. Hee Hee….Sukkot.

This Heeb Holiday is allegedly pronounced “Soo-Koe”. I call bullshit…That spelling screams, “SUCK IT”. Oy Vay!!

The name aside, Sukkot is the third Jewish holiday in the last three weeks.

Holy Moses, how many days of Manischewitz drinking and self-loathing can these Christ Killers celebrate!?

It’s like the Jews have three holidays a month, they're as bad as the freakin’ Muslims. I’ll tell you what though…

If I had money to invest, I’d invest it in the Jewish Greeting Card industry and become as rich as them. Only I’d be better off...

Because unlike Jews, I’d be invited to join exclusive, private Country Clubs.

I am off today, but the Beer mine was hoppin’ yesterday. Sweet Baby Jeebus!!

It began with Drive-By Mikey bitching about our neighbors…Donato’s Pizza.

There had been an empty two liter of Mountain Dew sitting like a sore thumb near their property. They wouldn’t pick it up. It irritated the hell out of him.

So, Mikey walked over and placed it directly on the lot.

They picked it up and threw it away. Hee Hee. That shit drives Drive-By Mikey nuts.

The Beer Mine was really dead until about 3 PM, and then…Blammo!! From 3-8 or so, it was non-stop. The tips were pretty good…

Tuesday night I came home hot, sweaty, and tired, but found something in fridge that I was happy to see and would eat before I went to sleep…

Damn right…Fried SPAM, cooked ahead of time by, and with the compliments of…Schmoop.

Thanks Schmoop!! I do love me some fried SPAM.

One last item and picture of hodgepodge…On this wonderful Autumnal Hump Day, would someone please call our cat, Corky…

She’s evidently dying to talk to somebody new.

Have a Happy Hump Day and remember, between now and Thursday make sure to wish every Jew you meet a wonderful holiday by saying to them…

“Happy? Suck It!!?

Cheers!!

Frankie Valli Blows...and So Does Drive-By Mikey!!

Feels like a good time for some Tuuuuuuesday Stream of Consciousness…

Oh what a night, late December back in ‘63. Auuugh!!

It never fails…

When I work with Drive-By Mikey at the Beer Mine on Mondays and Tuesdays…by 10:05 AM he starts singin’ a song and it’s stuck in mind head when I get home at 9:15 PM!!

It was an uneventful day at the Mine, but two of my fave chick customers came through, including my new Tyra Banks looking babe.

This mocha-cheena babe has the hots for me. Of course, if she ever read the Kwanzaa post I did last December, I think she’d change her mind.

My cat is laying on the floor next to me with her head resting on my mic headset. She’s odd, but cute. Kinda like yours truly.

What a very special time for me…cause I remember, what a night!! Doo-Doo-Doo. Fuckin’ Frankie Valli. Dago Bastard!!

Ima gonna shave my head Wednesday. Anyone wanna oil it when I’m done? Maybe I’ll have the mocha-cheena babe oil it up if she comes through on Thursday night.

I think Newt Gingrich has lost his fucking mind. He says that Obama suffers from Kenyan Anti-Colonialism. I think Newt suffers from penis and Palin envy.

I’m drinking a 24 ounce Labatts as I type thi--I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder…spinnin’ my head around and takin’ my body under…Fucking Mikey!!

There’s a bug crawling on the wall…hold on…Got him. Got another 11 hour shift today. My feet are howling. Mikey is such a slave driver!!

Actually not, but I have a bone to pick with him, or more accurately, his wife. She’s a great cook and Mike brings leftovers in all the time.

Holy Shit…It’s all good and I eat it all. I regularly worked in 90 degree heat this summer at the Mine and still gained weight.

Holy Cow, I need a smoke…Mmmmmmmm…What a lady, what a nighhhht. Must…make…it…stop!!

Ha!! I just saw a commercial for a local hearing aid company. Their phone number is 1-866-GOT-EARS. That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Okay…enough of this stream. I need to save some for our radio show on Sunday, however, there is one last bit of business.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Time for another installment of, “Our Moment of Mexican Merriment with Luis!!”

The back of Luis' truck full of ice as he backed in…

And here is the back of his truck as he pulled out to go to his next stop…

Ha!! Actually Luis caught me this time and took a picture of me, but…

In the name of Mexican-American relations, he went ahead and left the sign on the back until his next stop.

Luis is such a buen huevo and funny fuck like that.

10-9 again today, so I shall catch you all later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiiiday, so you know what that means. That’s Right..!!

Time for yet another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Schmoop going through the Beer Mine Wednesday afternoon while Pizza Bill and Drive-By Mikey were working…

Mikey: Smootie. Hey Smootie!! Can I--

Schmoop: No Mike, you can’t pee on me.

Mikey: You could pee on me. I could get off on that. Hee Hee Hee.

Schmoop: (Looking at Pizza Bill) Your boss is a moron. I ain't peein' on him. Women got no pee direction anyway. Of course, you guys don’t either.

Pizza Bill: Sure we do.

Schmoop: Then why do you guys always leave piss all over the seat and the floor?

Pizza Bill: That’s not from not having direction. It’s from backsplash.

Mikey: Smootie!! Hey Smootie!!

Schmoop: WHAT!?

Mikey: Tell Matt-Man not to have sex with you for two hours tonight; he has to work tomorrow. Tell him to get it done in 15 minutes.

Schmoop: Bye Bill (drives off)

Mikey: (yelling as she drives off) Smootie!! Hey Smoot!! Hee Hee Hee.

Thursday prior to taking Ryno to school on the day that the guys have to wear a shirt and tie…

Me: Looks good dude.

Ryno: Thanks. You know what else looks good?

Me: What?

Ryno: My fist in your face. Hee Hee.

Talking to Ryno as I took him home from school…

Ryno: Do I look good or what? Man, I am chiseled.

Me: Ha. You’re 6 foot tall and 162 pounds.

Ryno: But I’m ripped. When I enter a room people say, “Ryno looks just like Lou Ferrigno, only beautiful.”

Me: Ha. That was pretty good.

Ryno: I learned from the best, Dad.

That’s it for this week folks. Have a wonderfully fun and safe Labor Day Weekend. And…

If you have nothing better to do Sunday morning at 11 AM EDT, tune into I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio and listen to Jayman and me.

Or, if my computer and/or phone has the shits again this Sunday, you can at least listen to Jay.

Have a Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Only By Super-Human Willpower, Am I Not Incarcerated

Well folks…Tuesday night it almost happened.

Between 6:30 PM and 8:59 PM, and for the first time in over 2 years of working there, the Beer Mine nearly got the best of me.

I almost cracked. I almost cried…

I almost took my own life along with the lives of any customers in my proximity.

My face looked like that in the picture you see…A mélange of sorrow, despair, confusion, and unadulterated anger.

The day was long, but had been quite slow up until 6:30. Just a few cars here, a few cars there. Nothing exciting, and then?

The clock struck 6:30 and every stupid motherfucker in Bagwine, Ohio and some from parts beyond, showed up at the Beer Mine.

Customers drove through asking, “What do you have on sale?” “How much is that, and that, and that?”

And one of the ultimate stupid questions: “What kind of pop do you have?” To which I want to always respond…

“See those well-lit coolers on either side of your car that have colorful plastic bottles inside of them? That’s what fucking kind of pop we have, you fucking moron!!”

I also not once, but three times, got the classic…

“Could I get a pack of Marlboro Lights?”

And after getting them, ringing them up, and bringing them to the moron in question, I would hear the following…

“Do you have these in 100’s?”

Oh Dear God, the Stupid!! The stupid, along with my anger, was growing faster and thicker than a patch of crabgrass juiced up on Miracle-Gro.

And the cars never stopped coming. It was if an entire week’s worth of business was being compressed into a mere two and a half hours.

At about a quarter til’ nine I locked up the Ice Machine, and wouldn’t you know it…Two seconds later, some goofy old fuck drives in and wants a 25 pound bag of ice.

I wanted to say to him…

“It’s Tuesday night at 8:45 PM, why in the Hell do you need a huge ass bag of ice? Are you storing the body parts of your mom, who you just machete’d to death?”

And then…oh yeah, bitches, and then these two barely 19 year old chicks pulled in with six minutes left before closing.

I knew I was in trouble when they pulled in because I could immediately see the wonderment in their empty eyes…

It was as though I was looking at two kids who had just walked into Willy Wonka’s factory and were mesmerized by its beauty.

They looked at each bottle and asked questions about iced tea, Propel water, and…the price of gum. I longed to scream…

“If you two ass clowns want to look at every God Damn item in a place, go to the fucking grocery store!!”

But I didn’t, and they finally made their purchase…A lemonade and a XXX Vitamin Water.

I managed to make it through the night without killing anyone. I like that, and I am calmer now because I came home with this…

A bottle of Rose and a huge delicious slab of homemade Lasagna that Drive-By Mikey’s wife had made.

But, let me tell you...if I wasn’t off today and had to go back into the Mine with people like they were Tuesday night…

Someone would surely die.

Cheers!!

Prometheus Was Bound, Alright!!

Yesterday, during my rant on why Sean Hannity must die, one of the reasons that I used was the following:

“He smells like a bushel of rotten potato peels and onions that have been pickling for six months in a jar of Frankenstein’s urine.”

I know that’s kind of an infantile line to use, but it did trigger a deep philosophical question within the bowels of my brain about him.

No, not about Sean Hannity, but rather about the monster we refer to as, Frankenstein. The question?

After reading that line a couple of times, I thought to myself…

Did Frankenstein even urinate at all? Hell, did he ever take a shit? I just don’t know. I mean think about it.

Mary Shelley in her novel, never mentioned Frank-Man dropping a load. You never see him taking a leak during any of the Frankenstein movies.

I am thinking there are two possibilities on this subject and either way it could explain why Frankenstein’s monster was always angry, and well, um…pissed-off.

It’s possible that after his creation that the good doctor never taught his boy proper hygiene and the joy of sitting on the can and taking a dump while reading the latest edition of, Better Castles and Gardens.

If this is the case and I was the monster, I’d be angry all the time as well if I spent every damn day walking the countryside wearing my own piss on the crotch of my ill-fitting pants and my own hot, smelly load squishing around in the back of them.

Who wouldn’t be? Damn right, Bitches!!

There’s another possibility.

Maybe the doctor never got around to that part of his anatomy. Perhaps, even though Frank-Man ate and drank he was unable to pee and crap.

Can you imagine eating mutton and drinking ale for weeks on end and not being able to urinate or defecate?

Holy Cow…I’d be pissed off, and quickly.

That’s probably why Frank-Man was afraid of fire. With all that gas and alcohol in him, he knew that one spark would create a big, fucking assplosion.

No matter what the correct theory may be, these are things I think about.

And now, a new, semi-regular segment…

Last Wednesday on Bagwine Ruminations many of you had the pleasure of “meeting” The Beer Mine’s affable ice delivery guy Luis…

Isn’t he muy lindo? Of course he is, and the joke that Drive-By Mikey and I played on Luis was a big hit, so here we go with another…

I give you our, Moment of Mexican Merriment with the Beer Mine’s favorite ice delivery muchacho…Luis!!

Just like last week, here’s a picture of Luis’ truck as he backed in in order to unload our ice…

Unbeknownst to Luis, this is what the back of his truck looked like on the way to his next stop…

Ha…Oh yeah…We got a call from him again ten minutes after he left. No cussing from him this week, just laughter as he asked…

“How the hell did you guys get that on there, I checked the damn thing!!”

I told him, “It’s Magic.”

Have a wonderful Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Little Boy Blue

It’s going to be a warm, humid Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. There’s also a chance of thunderstorms so you could say the atmosphere is a bit unsettled.

My mood yesterday was much the same. It was a pretty crappy day for several reasons. In fact…

As you can see in the picture of me at work, I am like a modern day Little Boy Blue. My clothes are blue and so am I.

Allow me to ‘splain…

I woke up Saturday with a “post-off all day Friday hangover”, and to the fact that since Schmoop is shedding her uterine walls, there will be no sex for several days.

However, Schmoop had gone to the grocery and only spent four dollars more than she intended to and my hangover was already receding.

Schmoop also made a gorgeous, ginormous sandwich for me to take to work.

Things were looking up right? Well…

I got to work, opened up the bag I take with me and had everything I meant to bring except for one thing…

The gorgeous, ginormous sandwich that Schmoop made. Fuck!!

And the masses came to the Beer Mine. Busier than hell and I was hot, sweaty, and hungry, and in need of a smoke.

And then it got better…The phone started ringing while I had a line of cars and the dumb ass caller kept letting it ring.

When I finally answered it, it was some jackass with a funny voice who was trying to call the airport. I hung up.

Still busy, the phone rang again, and after it rang 15 more times I answered it and it was the same guy wanting flight information. I hung up again, and was pissed.

I was still getting cars in and out when once again the phone rang. I answered the phone by saying, “What!!!?”

On the other end of the line? It was the Beer Mine owner, Drive-By Mikey laughing his ass off. He was the one who had been calling “the airport”. Fucker.

And then?

The rains came…

I was slipping and sliding all over the place and one person needed ice.

So, I had to go out in the thunderstorm to get a bag of ice for some chick with a thicker beard than mine.

Now, I was sweaty, hungry, horny, pissed off and soaking wet.

And then? Something happened that completely accelerated my already fragile, pissed off mood.

My son Ryno and his mom showed up but his mom wasn’t driving...someone else was...

See what Ryno is holding in his hand ? That’s his temporary learner’s permit to drive.

Oh Dear God…Kill me now and take me Jeebus!! This just…isn’t…good.

I hope today is better, and I am no longer feeling like Little Boy Blue.

Would someone…anyone…like to come blow Little Boy Blue’s horn and make him feel better?

Amen and Amen…

Working all day at The Beer Mine, so swing by for some cold ones.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiday so you know what that means…That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Sunday morning, half naked, in the Bagwine digs, singing a song that I thought of to the tune of the Theme from Shaft:

Me: Who is the man curing lepers ‘cross the lannnnd? Christ!! Right On.

Schmoop: (look of disbelief with mouth agape) Oh Dear God…

Me: Hee…Who’s so divine, turning water into wiiiiine? Christ!! Can ya dig it?

Schmoop: You’re such a dick.

Me: Ha. But I looooove you.

Schmoop: (walking away, shaking head) Whatever.

Wednesday morning talking with Jay on Twitter about me not being able to access our Blog Talk Radio home page:

Me: The damn thing won’t let me in.

Jay: I got in just fine.

Me: Okay…I’m in now. Can ya feel it?

Jay: Yeah. It hurts a little, but I’ll get used to it.

Tuesday night at the Beer Mine talking to some young chick who just pulled in:

Chick: Can I have a pack of Marlboro Light 100s?

Me: Sure. Do you have an ID?

Chick: No.

Me: Sorry. Can’t sell ’em to ya.

Chick: Awww, man. I’m just turned 21 for gods sakes.

Me: Well I don’t know that without seeing an ID.

Chick: (anger rising) I’m 21!! Would I be driving a car if I wasn’t 21!?

Me: Um…Last time I checked, a person in Ohio can drive when they’re 16.

Chick: (really pissed now) They’re for my mom anyway.

Me: You want to stick with that story, or would you like to show me an ID?

Chick: You’re an asshole. (drives away letting the Fuck Off’s fly)

Me: Hee Hee.

Thursday around 5 P.M. in the office of The Beer Mine with Drive-By Mikey and Pizza Bill giving me shit about my dangly earring:

Mikey: That’s dangerous. It could get caught on something.

Me: Or some idiot could rip it out.

Mikey: Exactly.

Me: That happened to me a long time ago in a bar fight. It hurt like hell.

Pizza Bill: Ha. You? You were in a bar fight?

Me: Yes indeed.

Pizza Bill: Was the guy in the wheelchair hurt bad?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha Hee Hee Hee.

Me: Suck It.

Mikey: Ha. I was gonna say, “How old was she?”

Me: Oh you two are just a couple of funny fucks today aren’t ya?

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha

Me: It’s all fun and games when we’re making fun of Matty-Boy.

Pizza Bill and Mikey: Ha Ha Ha.

Me: You guys suck.

And that’s all the private conversations for this week…

I’m off and getting drunker than shit today, because Schmoop’s basement is flooding so I need not worry about having to get it up later.

Have a Friday and a weekend, you chuckleheads!!

Cheers!!

Mexican Ice

Happy Hump Day, you lovable perverts, you.

I don’t have a whole lot for you today because I have been doing show prep* for the test show that Jay-Man and I will be doing on Blog Talk Radio at 11:30 A.M. (EDT) today.

I do have a brief report and pictures of an incident that took place at the Beer Mine on Monday afternoon.

If you know about the Beer Mine, you know that it is manned by Pizza Bill, Little Bill, myself, and our fearless owner, Drive-By Mikey.

But…

Others contribute to the success of the establishment as well.

Awhile back, I mentioned our Mexican ice delivery guy, Luis. Like clockwork, Luis shows up every Monday afternoon between three and four.

The last three weeks though, we have had a substitute driver. The sub said that Luis was temporarily working another route.

Drive-By Mikey and I however, thought perhaps that Luis went to Arizona on vacation, left his papers back in Ohio, and in spite of his citizenship, had been deported.

Fortunately, that was not the case. Luis showed up to our wind tunnel of alcoholic love on Monday afternoon and to welcome him back, I took some pictures…

This is the always affable Luis…

This the back of Luis’ truck when he backed in to load our ice machine…

Unbeknownst to Luis, this is what the back of Luis’ truck looked like when he drove off…

Ha…Luis’ next stop was ten minutes away from The Beer Mine. Needless to say, ten minutes and thirty seconds later, Mikey got a call from Luis.

It was filled with laughter, and expletives in both English and Spanish. And, the conversation included Luis saying to Mike:

“You guys suck. I wondered why the hell drivers were passing me, and fucking looking at me funny.”

Here’s to having Luis’ and his questionable looking papers being back at The Beer Mine. And to make up for the prank, I play this in his honor…

Happy Hump Day, All.

Cheers!!

*By show prep, I mean that I have been drinking quite a bit as I check out our Blog Talk Radio page saying to myself…

“Hey this is neat.” “What’s this do?” “What will we talk about?” “Oh Dear God, what hath Jay wrought?”

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™

It’s Friday again, so it’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™. This week they are all Beer Mine related…

Wednesday morning talking to Schmoop as she got ready for work:

Schmoop: Did you get rained on during your walk to work yesterday afternoon?

Me: Yes I did.

Schmoop: Eh, what a fucking shame.

Wednesday evening talking to Schmoop after she got home from work:

Me: Mikey just called. I’m going to be filling in at work for Pizza Bill through next Thursday.

Schmoop: How come?

Me: He is going to Florida for a few days.

Schmoop: Bill? The man who hates the heat and gets ass chap, is going to Florida?

Me: I guess so.

Schmoop: Ass Chap Boy in Florida…hmmmm…That doesn't make a lot of fucking sense.

(You can see that one of Schmoop’s fave words is “Fuck” or variations thereof.)

Drive-By Mikey and I at our meeting Wednesday upon seeing that one of dudes in the meeting looked exactly like Sammy Davis, Jr.:

Mikey: Hee Hee…Look Matt.

Me: Holy Shit, it’s Sammy Davis, Jr.!!

Mikey: Hee, I know…Who can take the sunrise. Sprinkle it in dew?

Me: Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two…

Me and Mikey: The Candyman…The Candyman can. Hee Hee Hee.

Same meeting upon seeing a gorgeous, 6’2 blonde chick sporting 3” heels, a big sweet ass, and ginormous tits:

Mikey: Holy shit. Look at that woman.

Me: Oh my. She’s hot.

Mikey: Everything on that chick is huge.

Me: Indeed…Oh yeah.

Mikey: I know she doesn’t have trouble dropping babies, ’cause I bet her vagina is the size of a softball.

Me: LOL

Mikey: Of course they’d have to lay her across two birthing tables.

Me: Ha. Shut up.

Monday night talkin’ to the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff, and buys houses and rents them out for a living:

Boris: Gimme one of those high priced Diet Mountain Dews.

Me: Sure thing.

Boris: See that house across the street that’s for sale?

Me: Sure do.

Boris: I’m gonna buy it so I can stand in the front yard and throw rocks at you.

Me: Ha. Of course you are.

Boris: See ya later.

Other than Sunday, I am working everyday through next Thursday, so I’ll catch ya all when I can.

Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.

Cheers!!

A Day In The Life With Drive-By Mikey and Chicken Nuggets

As I mentioned, I went with my boss, Drive-By Mikey, to Columbus yesterday. The meeting we had was uneventful, but oh my, hilarity ensued.

Just take a look...

Here's Mikey stuffing dollar bills into the parking lot "bank"...

It took a few minutes of me convincing him that that is what you do, but he finally relented.

He only put in enough money for two hours and we were parked there for four hours without being towed, so we "stuck it to the man."

Now what follows is a picture of the building in which our meeting was held..

It's the Vern Riffe Building and is forty stories tall. However, we would only be going up to the 19th floor.

But even from the 19th floor one can still get a good view of downtown Columbus looking east...

In the above picture, the building you see in the forefront is our State Capitol building. Don't ya just love the "sawed-off" dome look? Okay, maybe not.

At one point, I had to leave the building we were in, in order to grab a smoke. It was then I noticed a fine looking Chinese restaurant across the street...

That's right, the Ho Toy restaurant. Who wouldn't want to eat Ho Toy's? I bet Don Imus would love Ho Toy's.

Upon my return home I drank a few of course, received a call from a dear friend (Thank You, Friend), and then prepared another something from nothing meal classic.

I made this out of necessity a couple of weeks ago, but it is now a new standard. It's called Chicken Shit.

Last time, I used "chicken" patties, this time I used Chicken Nuggets.

I cooked the nuggets with peppers, onions, and garlic...

I then cooked up a mess o' egg noodles...

I took a can of condensed Cream of Chicken soup, added a quarter can of milk to it, and heated it up...

Schmoop loves her some peas, so I added peas to the "sauce" and noodles...

And voila...

Another two thumbs up culinary review from Schmoop!!

Yeah, my life is raucous. Okay maybe not, but more often than not...it's pleasant, and I dig that.

Cheers!!