Even If It's Not Free, It's For Me

Why do people feel like they are entitled to something, anything, everything?

Case and point…  

I’m at the grocery on Saturday with my brother Dave.  He’s pushing the cart, and as he is old, could not keep up with my 45 year old svelte, young self.  Ha!

I’m going into the produce section for lettuce, and green onions.  Don’t ask.  There I came upon a woman and her daughter at the grapes.  

They’ve opened a bag, and proceeded to eat them.   Not tasting to see if they were sweet enough, just…plain…eating them.

My Mother, God rest her soul, would taste one, much to my embarrassment, and buy them if they were up to her standards.  Buy being the operative word.  

This woman didn’t buy a fucking grape; she just munched them like it was her motherfucking right!  Who does this shit?

And then...

I was told a story Saturday by the lovely, talented woman who runs the U-Scan at my local Kroger.  I heart her.

A man who comes in regularly, decides that the salad bar is a free for all.  

This dude is not putting fixings into a plastic container to pay for like he’s supposed to.  Oh no, he is fucking eating right off the salad bar!

The produce manager comes out, and says, “You can’t do that."  

This dude says, and I quote from the lovely, talented woman...

“Why not, you young whippersnapper?  I’ll kick your fucking ass.”

Really?  WTF!

Why do some people think they are entitled to do whatever they want?

I was very vocal about the grape woman.  She paid no mind, of course.

What the hell is wrong with people?  Am I just noticing this shit as I get older?  Has this been going on all along, and I didn’t care?

More than likely, but still I say, what the ever loving fuck!

Thank God I wasn’t at Walmart.  The smell alone keeps me away from that place.

Zooooves!!

Happy 18th Birthday Miley Cyrus!!

People across America are asscited because later this week, many across this fine nation, will delight in a four day weekend beginning with Thanksgiving on Thursday.

Thursday for many, will be a day off full of food, drink, football and, fun, yet violent domestic violence calls.

On Friday, also known as Black Friday…

Millions of Baby Jeebus lovin’ Americans sporting NASCAR ball caps, I Heart Sarah Palin T-Shirts, and pajama bottoms will storm the doors of Wal*Mart at 0500 and lay down cash for a well priced Wii while using their welfare debit card to pay for a three month supply of frozen pizzas and Little Debbie snack cakes.

After all, what’s a good game on the Wii or Xbox without something to nosh on!? Well, one must have a drink as well, so add a case of Mello Yello and Tahitian Treat to the public bill of fare as well.

Anyhoo…

It’s the official kick-off to the Christmas Season, but as for me?

My Thanksgiving feast and kick-off to the 2010 Christmas Season begin today, November 23rd. For on this day, Miley Cyrus turns 18 and becomes legal and oh so tender.

That’s right my friends…

Eighteen years ago, Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish Ray Cyrus watched excitedly as the lovely Miley popped out from Mrs. Ray Cyrus’ vagina.

After the medical team employed Billy Ray’s mullet to wipe the placenta residue from Miley’s face, it was apparent to all, that this child was on her Hollywood Walk of Fame path to stardom.

Ever since I came across pictures of Miley Cyrus during a late night Google Image search that accidentally contained the words, “Hot 12 Year Old Babes”, I have been enthralled by Miley’s beauty.

And now, six years later…I no longer have to fear Chris Hansen and public scorn hide my very adult feelings for Miley.

Today I can openly and gleefully say…

I long for Miley’s misshapen cheeks, her crooked front tooth, her small yet oh so nubile breastesses, as well the adipose tissue that lies sensually above her pubic bone.

Indeed my friends, indeed. For me, Christmas has already come…several times over.

I have even written a Christmas song for Miley, and I hope that perhaps she, in all of her new found adulthood, will come to Bagwine and record it with me.

It’s called, “I Came Upon You at Midnight Dear.”

That would make for the bestest Christmas ever. So Miley Cyrus, my dear…

When you blow out the candles on your cake today, think of it as your Emancipation Proclamation from sexual bondage.

And think of me as your Great Emancipator. In fact…

You and I can get naked tonight and play a sweaty game of, Newly Freed Slave Girl and The Horny Abolitionist!!

While you are on top of me riding my rock hard 13th Amend-meat to the land of milk, honey, and womanhood, I want to hear you scream to the world…

“Free Me, Abra-Matt Lincoln, Free Me!!”

So I shall, Miley, So I shall.

Happy 18th Birthday to Miley Cyrus.

Working a long one at the Beer Mine today, so I shall see you all later tonight or early Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Store Security...Report to the Soup Aisle at Once!!

Greetings from Schmoop and Dave.

This week, we’re combining his, Dig It, With David and my, Dispatches from my Ass segments.

I guess we’ll call it, Dig It From My Ass, David. Ha!!

We’re going to take you to the Grocery Store with us. Won’t this be a fun ride?

My brother Dave and I go to the grocery store (either Wal-Mart or Kroger’s) every two weeks or so, and we find all kinds of mischief to get into!

My brother is nice to everyone, believe it or not, and I just want to get OUT! He talks to the Wal-Mart greeter, while I grunt.

I’m just glad everyone at our neighborhood Kroger store knows us now. They used to think we were husband and wife.

Ewww! Hello! Not brother husband /sister wife. This is Ohio, not West “By God” Virginia.

As we go up and down the isles at either store, we have been known to yell at each other from three to six aisles over, asking where such and such is.

Dave smells every fucking thing in the place, and I do mean everything.

He shakes the cottage cheese (might not be enough whey you know), and chip containers, (a few might be broken) Oh the Humanity!!

He opens the frozen pot pie, and TV dinner boxes to see if they are in aluminum tins. I remind him every time, that they haven’t done that since the Carter administration.

No matter. I guess he has hope.

He wanders aimlessly…I, with purpose.

I cuss out people who stare at the soup cans for HOURS, while standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, and even when I say, “Excuse Me”, they look at me like I have five heads.

Ok, it’s in my head, but I give them really dirty looks, and sigh a lot. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s fucking soup!

I know…I know…you’re torn between Campbell’s or the Kroger brand, and trying to figure out what the fuck the word, “consommé” means has just rocked your pea brained world but please…

Buy it or don’t…But get the fuck out of my way!!

I can never get to the meat section, because someone is always STARING, and handling every fucking package.

It’s hamburger people…you know, minced cow?? It’s funny, because no one we see ever looks at produce that way. Just toss it into the cart! Idiots.

Of course, judging by the looks and smell of some of the burger gawkers and produce tossers, I don’t think any type of fruit or vegetable has passed their lips since the night that Ethel Merman guest starred on an episode of, The Love Boat.

We do have fun though. We make fun of people, look for stuff that we had in the 70’s, and I always, and I mean always, look for that elusive and ultimately never found, box of Frankenberry cereal.

Years ago, when Mom, and Dave’s dog Megan was still alive, Mom insisted she have Mighty Dog soft dog food. Fourteen cans mind you. Why fourteen? No clue.

We’d be standing in that isle picking out the food, and we’d simultaneously begin singing, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, by Heywood Banks.

Nobody really stared until I said “let’s do PI!”

Oh, the adventures when Dave and I start out doing it all again this Thursday morning!! And, it will start out by both of us saying the following…

“I’m only getting what’s on the list.” Yeah baby, you keep thinking that. But…We’re a team dammit!!

And maybe, just maybe I’ll be the nice one this time, just for shits and giggles…

Nah!! Better yet, I’ll ride in the cart, Dave can push me, stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, and we’ll both stare at the soup!!

Zoves and Dig It,
Schmoop and Dave

My Excitement is Close to Peking!!

I’m off today and I am going to spend it working on a new Matt-Man for President ad.

Well…Until my Campaign Chief of My Staff comes home early this afternoon.

When she gets home, the work on the ad will have to wait, as we have a backdoor…er…closed door strategy meeting scheduled.

However, before I begin my work on the aforementioned ad, I want you all to know that I have taken ill.

It’s true, I have a bad case of the 2008 Summer Olympics Fever…

Okay, maybe not a full blown fever, but at the very least, my body is stricken with the symptoms of a mild bout of Asian flu, and perhaps a touch of Montezuma’s Revenge.

Yes, the Olympic games begin August 8th, taking place in that mecca of Capitalism, Chinese Restaurants, seismic activity, and polluted air.

No, not Los Angeles, ya goofballs…Beijing, China!!

I actually always have enjoyed the Summer Olympics. I enjoy the boxing, basketball, and as I grow older I really enjoy vicariously running really fast through others.

I am more excited this year because there are a couple of new events being held on a trial basis. Events with a distinctively Asian flavor.

First up, is a woman’s event that involves agility, speed, and well developed embryonic skills.

The Rice Paddy Biathalon…

Yes indeed, this event places female athletes within a two acre rice paddy and each woman has 15 minutes to harvest as many bushels of rice as she can and birth as many babies as she is able.

Each Paddycake, as they are called, receives 1 point for each bushel of rice collected and 3 points for each child that drops from their womb.

The current World Record is held by Lee-Ki Pi of Vietnam.

After a slow start during the 2006 Asian Games, which saw her harvest 15 bushels of rice yet drop only two baby boys in the first twelve minutes...

Ms. Pi snatched five more bushels and with three seconds left, dropped a set of bouncing female triplets!!

With her incredible score of 35, she received her gold medal.

Unfortunately, all three of the baby girls were quickly killed off for they are a burden to the family in particular and the Vietnamese economy in general.

When asked by a reporter how she felt about this, Pi replied, “We go to Disneyworld now, Big Boy?”

Another fun event scheduled is the fast and furious, American Flag Sewing Dash.

This event is comprised of three bolts of nylon, needle and thread, and grim human determination.

Each contestant sews his oriental ass off to determine who can sew an American Flag the quickest.

The current World Record was set late last year by a 14 year old Chinese boy named Yu So Ho. He created a perfectly done 3 x 5 version of Old Glory in a mere 1 minute and 57 seconds.

He will not be participating in the Olympics because after hearing the news of his skills, Wal*Mart hired him to the post of President of its, Asian-Made American Flag Waving Division.

Along with the job, Wal*Mart signed Ho to an incredibly lucrative 6 year/$702.00 contract.

Since Ho, is not participating, the odds on favorite is an 11 year old kid from Thailand named, Phuket Khunt.

Phuket is referred to as, "The Big Tsew-Nami".

Excitement abounds!! I can’t wait. Somebody strike up, “Theme for the Common Man”!!

Have a great Thursday all; I hope your day is made of not only gold, but silver and bronze as well.

Cheers!!