Between Heaven and Hell, Lies Dirty Laundry

So I guess the reins of this here Bagwine blog are now truly mine.  So, tell Mahone to get HIS tired, stale shit off of MY sidebar....Jeez.

Hmm…

Well, how was that for a post? No? But I’m cute, doesn’t that count for anything?

God, all y’all suck. Okay, let’s try this…

Saturday is laundry day around these parts, and I always take the laundry up to my brother Dave’s house to do it.

This past Saturday, I was doing just that, and as typical, after the first top is popped, a philosophical discussion ensued.

Dave and I were talking about dying and well hopefully, going to heaven. D (as I call him) pipes up and asks…

“So what if you end up in heaven after you die and all the people you have ever hated in life were there? Do you have to live with that shit all over again?”

That is some heavy stuff right there, people. Or not…He continued…

“Do you just sit around up in heaven, or is there stuff to do? Are there neighborhoods up there?”

All very valid questions, so how do I respond? By giggling and grabbing another beer, however; D wanted answers and he persisted so I finally responded…

“D, who the fuck cares? God is not going to let us in anyway.”

D replied with an inquiry…

“Where do you think Dad is?”

I reply…“Ummm, you damn well know where Dad is dumbass, and yeah…HIM we’ll see.”

And there you have it, another Saturday morning existential journey for truth completed.

I know that I said last Friday that funny would return this week, but c’mon, I didn’t say on which day this week.

Anyway…It’s my blog now, so I can do anything I want with it, boo yah!! 

If I want to suck, I will suck. Wait…that didn’t come out right. Ha!! Neither did that!!

Oh well…

I guess, I use this blog to crack my own damn self up, and you all can worry ‘bout yourselves. But truly? I love all of you pretty people.

Make sure you wander over to the new I’m With Stupid blog that Jay and Matt-Man have launched. 

You can listen to their show, see hot pics of babes, and have some laughs because they are some witty motherfuckers.

The website address is:

www.iwsradio.blogspot.com 

See ya tomorrow my pretties…

Zoooooves!!

The Eagle Has Landed!!

Out with the noisy, grinding, on its last leg old...


And in with the quiet, slimlined newish...

It's one small step for Matt, and one giant leap for Matt-Kind...

Now I must configure.

Praise Jeebus, and thanks David!!

Cheers!!

Tings I'm Tinking About On Tuesday

Here’s a few things I am thinking about…

Schmoop and Dave’s mom is in the hospital. The lovely Patty Ann is resting comfortably, but is suffering from an acute case of dementia and/or Alzheimer’s.

She went in Sunday evening and may very well be going into a nursing facility upon her release.

There’s one thing of late that I truly get a kick out of about Schmoop’s mom…

Schmoop will go over to see her on Saturdays and hang out with her and Dave while Schmoop does some laundry.

In the course of any conversation that Schmoop and her mom have, ol’ Patty Ann often doesn’t realize that Schmoop is her daughter and doesn’t know her name.

Her mom however almost never fails to ask Schmoop one very important question…

“How’s Matthew?” Ha!!

I dig that. Schmoop? Not so much. It kinda makes her want to throw up a little, so of course, I bring that fact up often.

Anyhoo…Any kind thoughts for Schmoop, Dave, and most importantly for their mom, would be appreciated.

Now dig it…Dave brought some of these over for Schmoop the other day…

That’s right, bitches. Pickled Fucking Eggs. Oh dear God!! Is there anything in the culinary world more horrid than pickled eggs?

Schmoop loves them, but wondered where Dave got them. I had to tell her that he made them and that in fact, pickled eggs do not as she thought, come from drunk chickens, however…

They do sit on the counter of many an old time bar, so pickled eggs are primarily eaten by drunk people, which makes perfect sense as to why Schmoop loves them.

When I see pickled eggs like those pictured above, I think to myself:

“Those god awful things look and smell like the result of the ovarian discharge of an incredibly fertile 50 foot tall woman who went unfertilized and got her period.”

On the upside, upon seeing those nasty beet intoxicated eggs I thought of something that made me smile.

This year, I am going to color some damn Easter Eggs. I haven’t done that in ages, so by God, I am at least going to do 6-12 eggs this year.

I mean, it’s fun. I love hard boiled eggs (if they’re not fucking dripping in beet juice), and it will give me a chance to put pornographic designs upon them.

Damn straight, I’m gonna make me some Easter Porno Eggs.

Should be fun, and I’ll take pictures.

One last thing before I go…

With the warmer days coming, on the days I work now, I don’t get off until nine at night, so my posts will be popping up later than the typical 10 PM from here on out.

Please make a programming note, or just say to yourself, “Who the fuck cares Matt-Man?”

Either way, I’ll be happy.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Alone in the Randomness

Hi Y’all…

Well today is a big hot needle in my eye…

I have to take and pick up Schmoop from work and I also have to take and pick up Ryno from school. So, I know what you’re sayin’…

“Geez, what a busy day, Matt-Man, you’re gonna be sooooooo exhausted. You're like a Mattsi Cab”

I appreciate your sympathies and heart-felt thoughts, but being the tireless trooper that I am, I shall press on…

Since I am soooo damn “busy” today…

I thought today would be a good day to just unzip my fly, pull down my pants, and let my randomness whip out. Here ya go, my friends, a few random thoughts…

*Did you know that if you are sitting in your apartment looking out the window and see an unfamiliar guy walk into an apartment across the way with a sledge hammer and a nail gun, it can make you not only laugh out loud, but a bit uncomfortable?

*I was thinking…the best thing about being Jesus, other than turning water into wine, is that, even if he were married, he can fuck any chick in the world and forgive himself while he’s doing it. Talk about your safe sex.

*If I tell a woman that she must have big boobs in order for me to be with her, I am just being me and expressing my preferences, but…if she says that she wants a big cock in return, she’s just being selfish.

If she says, “Well jeez Matt, can’t it at least be measurable?”, then she’s just being downright hurtful.

*Yesterday, I rubbed oregano all over my nipples to see if they would get hard…All it did was make me smell like Mussolini. Shut up guys…and you know who I am talking about.

*I made a combo of boxed cheesy potatoes, hamburger, kidney beans, great northern beans and cheese and baked it in the oven Wednesday night. I called it “Slop”.

Schmoop ate it and said, “This shit is good.”

That recipe shall from this day forward, be known as, “Shit”…for it is good.

*Beginning with my High School sweetheart Sherri, every woman I have ever lived with, cohabitated with, been married to, or otherwise been intimately linked, really likes the 70’s band, Bread. It’s no wonder that I am such the pussy that I am today.

*I asked Schmoop via e-mail if she had any random thoughts for today’s post. She said…”I want to kill everyone in my office.”

To which I replied…"I said random thoughts, not pre-meditated...what the fuck?"

*Sunday is the birthday of Bagwine’s fave Cynical Bastard, Jay. I have an early present for him on Friday. I hope you’ll stop by to see…and listen.

*Are ya wondering why I have pictures of hot chick on chick action?

Well, I talked to Schmoop’s brother David yesterday and he was feeling a bit down. He’s been taking care of their elderly mom who is not doing well at all. He’s kinda tired and spent.

David said, “What’s on your blog tomorrow?”

I told him that it was just a few random thoughts and asked if he had any. He said…

“Yeah…could you put some lesbians on your site tomorrow?”

Say no more David…Enjoy the view...you’ve earned it, and then some.

Cheers!!

I Haiti Earthquakes, But I'm Here To Rock Your World

Hiya kids…

I am so burnt out…I was thinking that I need something with which to put a flame into my brain.

See? That’s rhymes…well, almost.

Anyhoo…

I am off all day today and I’ll be doing Schmoop’s taxes and possibly doing David’s as well, so I’ll be in front of the computer all fricking day.

So…

Today, I am opening up the blog lines in hopes of educating all of you folks as to what constitutes good Bagwine and Good Sex.

As far as today goes, consider me your free “Life Coach”.

I understand that Life Coaches are expensive, so I am once again giving of myself and helping the masses out.

Consider me the Haitian Relief Fund for your soul and your being, so aftershock me with some good questions.

I promise not to let you down…of course, that doesn’t mean it won’t happen. So, let me have your questions and/or abuse...

Cheers!!

I Like This Time of Year

In spite of my bittersweet blog memory of me not having sex with Veronica from the Archie’s yesterday, I remain happy.

In spite of Bagwine buddy Dana dragging me into the middle of a one-sided debate about racism yesterday, and as a result encountering a one-sided blogging goober chick named, Alexis from One Grand Home, I remain lighthearted.

In spite of Schmoop being despondent about our finances, I remain hopeful.

In spite of all of these things, I still believe in the spirit of Christmas, which as I see it, is the belief in the birth of hope, justice, and peace…and, no matter my circumstances at this time of year, I always have at least an ember of joy.

In fact, on this most wonderful Thursday, I want to impart to those of you who have stopped by, some of my favorite things that I really like about this time of year.

Shall I begin? I shall…

I like drinking cold beer and eating hot snacks with friends who are dear to me.

I like seeing pictures and videos of kids sitting on Santa’s lap.

I like the chick and the cute little song on the current Amazon Kindle commercial…

I like when a customer comes through the Beer Mine and says to me, “Thanks, and have a great Christmas.”

I like the smell of brewing coffee on a cold December morning.

I like the look on my son’s face when I give him an “off-the-wall” Christmas present…

Even if it’s Okaloosa-Walton Junior College versus St. Rita’s School for the Blind and Infirmed, I like watching every College Bowl game that I can.

I like watching those Bowl games with Schmoop’s brother, Dave.

I like making a crock-pot full of chili and hearing, “This is your best batch yet, Matt.”…

I like the contrast between brutal cold temperatures and a sunny December sky.

I like watching Schmoop walk out of the bedroom wearing socks, a burgundy sweatshirt, and her pink sweatpants that are far too big.

When I go to sleep, I like knowing that there are people I love, and people who love me…

Yeah, I like that...I like that alot.

Those are just some of the things I like about this time of year. If you have anything that you’d like to list, I’d dig hearing about it.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow is the Muslim New Year…Oh yeah, my site won’t have nearly the same feel as it does today.

But in the meantime...The thirty second cute as hell Amazon Kindle commercial I like so much.

Cheers!!

Because Schmoop's Brother Said So...

I occasionally take requests.

As this is Saturday and nothing much is going on, I thought I'd take one that I received yesterday.

Schmoop's brother, David, was over and said:

"Ya know...sometimes I think, what is this Communist crap you're writing? Why don't you just put up some pictures of some naked women?"

Keeping in the Christmas spirit, and (partially) honoring David's request, I offer you some partially naked Christmas Babes...

Of course...

Just to make Schmoop's brother uncomfortable I'll once again put up this picture...

Damn David...Your sister is HAWT!! Merry Christmas!!

And to all of you...

Cheers!!

Thanks for the Foodaries

I hope that everyone had a most enjoyable Thanksgiving and that no one experienced familial drama, drunk driving arrests, or virulent bowel movements due to salmonella tainted turkey.

I had a most enjoyable day.

I worked 10A-2P yesterday and while I was there, my brother Marty stopped by to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. But, that’s not all he did…

He came bearing three bags of groceries. Knowing that Schmoop and I were eschewing cooking a big dinner this year for various reasons, he brought dinner to us!!

Indeed…Salvation Marty came to the Beer Mine with an armful of culinary delights.

He brought a wonderful 3 lb. La Rosa’s lasagna (a regional fave), a loaf of crusty garlic bread, green beans, Tuscan style shrimp, whipped butter, salad, salad dressing, a bottle of wine (that actually had a cork), and to give it that Thanksgiving feel, a pumpkin pie.

And folks…That is exactly what we had for Thanksgiving dinner last night, and it was the best Thanksgiving dinner we have ever had.

But there was more to the day than that. Shortly after I got home from work, Schmoop’s brother David stopped by to imbibe a few Pilgrim Day cocktails with us.

David brought a few beers with him as usual, but that’s not all…

He also brought a big conscription of ham and sweet potatoes that he had made for Schmoop and I. Holy Cow…or is that, Holy Swine?

Anyhoo…It was incredibly thoughtful of him, and as we typically do, we appreciate the hell out of that mother fucker.

All of this dove tails on the fact that I mentioned yesterday that Wednesday night Pizza Bill brought down an ample supply of his Bagwine famous pizza to the Drive-Thru.

When you add all of this food and kindness up, from this past Wednesday until tomorrow evening, we will have dined entirely on the cooking skillz and compassion of others.

That my friends, makes for a healthy diet for both body and soul.

I want to thank Marty, his wife, David, and Pizza Bill for what they have done, and I’m looking forward to the day that I once again start making some decent money so that I can pay these magnificent bastards back.

Not because I think that they feel that I need to or because I think I have to. But, because I want to. And that’s that.

With that being said…While I am now hacking up and expelling nasty crap from my lung (which is good), other than being tired more than usual, I am feeling pretty okay.

Hopefully beginning Monday, I will be back to posting on my normal schedule and up for returning all comments.

I’d hate not being able to make fun of the rampant stupidity that goes on during the holidays. There’s so much out there.

Have a glorious weekend, and this Saturday? Go Eastern Illinois!! Neuter Those Salukis!!

Cheers!!

Brett Favre Signs With The Vikings...Evidently, Retirement Is a Full-Time Job

Hey guys, guess what!?

Brett Favre is going to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this year. No, seriously. He came out of retirement…again. And why not?

One year, 12 Million Dollars for the 2009-10 NFL season. Brett-Boy will get 13 million in the 2010-11 season if he plays.

Hell, maybe the Vikings will even give Favre a bonus of a few million after this season if he decides to come out of this year’s post-season retirement prior to next year’s training camp.

What the hell? I mean, sure, that’s quite a bit of cash, but isn’t dignity and being taken seriously worth something...?

Especially when he already has all of the cash that he and his family will ever need?

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

I am all for someone working at what they love as long as they want, but Jeebus Christ…In my view, Favre has become a joke with his, “I’m retired. I’m un-retired.” bullshit. Nora Desmond was less dramatic than Favre.

Poor Brett…The Green Bay Packers after years of quality service, traded him to the New York Jets last year instead of kissing his pretentious, “retired” ass, but c’mon Brett get over it.

I understand that playing for the Vikings offers you the opportunity to stick it to the Packers twice this year, but is it worth it? It isn’t for me, but of course, you owe me nothing.

However, I will say this. I enjoy watching old clips of Willie Mays in his, “Say Hey Kid” days playing for the Giants, not wandering around as a doddering old man playing for the Mets.

I like to remember Johnny Unitas in his Baltimore Colts uniform throwing a perfect spiral to Raymond Berry or handing off to Lenny Moore…not as a past his prime quarterback getting beaten up as a San Diego Charger.

I like to remember porn star Ron Jeremy banging Seka back in the day when his dick was bigger than his ginormous gut.

Brett…get over yourself. And now, something lighter…

Some Happy Birthday Wishes!!

First up, my longtime friend, Sherri.

Good OLD Sherri turns 45 today. She was my first true love, and I was her first sex partner.

Sherri owes her great sex life to me, because after having sex with me, every subsequent guy she has ever gotten biblical with has seemed incredibly good in the sack.

You’re welcome, Sherri…and Happy Birthday!!

A Happy Birthday also goes out to Schmoop’s brother, and my friend…David.

Dave is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s rude, crude, and never minces his words.

However, he is also one of the kindest guys I have ever met, and would do anything for anyone…if the “anyone” is someone who isn't an asshole.

Happy Birthday David!! Maybe your “other” sister will show up with a Happy Meal or a coloring book for ya, but for the record, I dig ya.

Have a wonderful Hump Day all. I hope you spend it tipping a few for Sherri and Dave and wiping your ass with an old issue of Sports Illustrated that has Brett Favre on the cover.

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: Puttin' On Latex

Schmoop here with yet another, Dispatch from my Ass…

These next two weeks are going to be gruesome. Gruesome I tellz ya!

I’m still not back to full time, and I’m sure I never will be. Idiot boss/owner/mental patient.

I’m still looking, and I’m sure I WILL find something soooo much better. Either that, or I’m moving down to ‘R’ Kansas with my Jay Man!!

However, that is not the reason for this blewg. No siree babies, I’ve got news, BIG NEWS!!

The next two weeks, we are painting the love shack! Whoo Hoo!

Pale gray with white trim. Of course, the kitchen and bath have to be white, but hey, I can deal with that.

And then, and then….we get new carpet on July 1st!! Yea! Tannish, brownish, whitish. Soooo much better than what we currently have.

And then, and then….new tile in the kitchen, and bathroom. Yea!! We have lived here for nine years, and our apartment manager has been trying to give us this for a year, but…

I was the one holding the abode alterations up.

What was my hesitation you ask? Well, let me tell ya.

I AM AFRAID OF ANY KIND OF CHANGE WHATSOEVER.

I know, I know, not me, the chick who will pose for any picture for the Matt-Man, but it’s true.

Our house is so full of STUFF; it’s not even funny. Matt will tell you that I’m imagining things, and that I’m nuts, but I fear THINGS.

Brother D will be helping, and no doubt both of them will tell me to GO somewhere…anywhere…just not here!!

Anyhoo…painting, carpeting, cleaning, and tileing will progress. I think I’ll hide down in the laundry room. In the corner. With my cat. Sucking my thumb. Sobbing.

So, would anyone like to invite me to their house for the next, oh I don’t know…month?

I’ll bring you brownies…um from the store. You do not want me to make you anything, trust me.

Anyone? No? Huh…go figure.

If I don’t make it, because I have either slit my wrists or Matt or Dave kill me during this ordeal, say something nice about me at my funeral, m’kay?

Zoves,
Schmoop

Store Security...Report to the Soup Aisle at Once!!

Greetings from Schmoop and Dave.

This week, we’re combining his, Dig It, With David and my, Dispatches from my Ass segments.

I guess we’ll call it, Dig It From My Ass, David. Ha!!

We’re going to take you to the Grocery Store with us. Won’t this be a fun ride?

My brother Dave and I go to the grocery store (either Wal-Mart or Kroger’s) every two weeks or so, and we find all kinds of mischief to get into!

My brother is nice to everyone, believe it or not, and I just want to get OUT! He talks to the Wal-Mart greeter, while I grunt.

I’m just glad everyone at our neighborhood Kroger store knows us now. They used to think we were husband and wife.

Ewww! Hello! Not brother husband /sister wife. This is Ohio, not West “By God” Virginia.

As we go up and down the isles at either store, we have been known to yell at each other from three to six aisles over, asking where such and such is.

Dave smells every fucking thing in the place, and I do mean everything.

He shakes the cottage cheese (might not be enough whey you know), and chip containers, (a few might be broken) Oh the Humanity!!

He opens the frozen pot pie, and TV dinner boxes to see if they are in aluminum tins. I remind him every time, that they haven’t done that since the Carter administration.

No matter. I guess he has hope.

He wanders aimlessly…I, with purpose.

I cuss out people who stare at the soup cans for HOURS, while standing in the middle of the fucking aisle, and even when I say, “Excuse Me”, they look at me like I have five heads.

Ok, it’s in my head, but I give them really dirty looks, and sigh a lot. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s fucking soup!

I know…I know…you’re torn between Campbell’s or the Kroger brand, and trying to figure out what the fuck the word, “consommé” means has just rocked your pea brained world but please…

Buy it or don’t…But get the fuck out of my way!!

I can never get to the meat section, because someone is always STARING, and handling every fucking package.

It’s hamburger people…you know, minced cow?? It’s funny, because no one we see ever looks at produce that way. Just toss it into the cart! Idiots.

Of course, judging by the looks and smell of some of the burger gawkers and produce tossers, I don’t think any type of fruit or vegetable has passed their lips since the night that Ethel Merman guest starred on an episode of, The Love Boat.

We do have fun though. We make fun of people, look for stuff that we had in the 70’s, and I always, and I mean always, look for that elusive and ultimately never found, box of Frankenberry cereal.

Years ago, when Mom, and Dave’s dog Megan was still alive, Mom insisted she have Mighty Dog soft dog food. Fourteen cans mind you. Why fourteen? No clue.

We’d be standing in that isle picking out the food, and we’d simultaneously begin singing, 18 Wheels On A Big Rig, by Heywood Banks.

Nobody really stared until I said “let’s do PI!”

Oh, the adventures when Dave and I start out doing it all again this Thursday morning!! And, it will start out by both of us saying the following…

“I’m only getting what’s on the list.” Yeah baby, you keep thinking that. But…We’re a team dammit!!

And maybe, just maybe I’ll be the nice one this time, just for shits and giggles…

Nah!! Better yet, I’ll ride in the cart, Dave can push me, stop the cart in the middle of the aisle, and we’ll both stare at the soup!!

Zoves and Dig It,
Schmoop and Dave

Now Dig It: The Line Is Open But You Have Nothing To Say

And now, after a week's worth of Political Incorrectness, Matt-Man presents, David... and his theme song... for whatever reason...

Okay, he demanded a theme song. Is that such a big request!!?

Hey Kids…Dave Here, now dig it...

Remember when it use to be that a phone in Mom and Dad’s house used to be the following…

It was a black or perhaps, avocado, bank-safe rotary dial phone on the wall?

And, it was the only phone that you had access to? Remember that?

Damn right, it was a 12 inch by 4 inch, Al Gore “lock box” with a 4 foot cord that could withstand time, nuclear war, and several remakes of Rambo, type of phone.

They were built to last….

What the fuck is going on now!?

People have 2 to 3 phones in the house. A phone in the garage…and a phone in the car, and in their hand!!

And let me tell you about this…The CELL Phone.

I pull up to a traffic light, or the grocery store, or in my wildest dreams, in their coffin, and I can‘t tell who's talkin’ to who.…

I can walk up to a Micky D’s counter, and I don’t know if some chick ahead of me is saying, “Three Big Macs and a side of fries.” or “Did my Dad just die …and if so, what did he leave my uncaring ass?”

And then…Dig it…I’m sitting at a light and some Dickwad is jabbering on his phone when the green arrow lights up.

Can we all turn!? Of course not. Why?

Because Dickwad is jabbering on the phone with his wife, daughter, and/or mistress about how Johnny just went pee pee in the corner, and depending on his age and status, that is either good or bad.

Seriously…Who the fuck are you talking to that is soooo important?

Classroom? Do you now the answer?

Of course you don’t. You know why? Because you have the fucking phone shoved to your ear!!

In my classroom, YOU FAIL!!

Instead of an “F”, how about I give those who talk on their phones in inconvenient places a big ol’…

Shut the Fuck Up!!? You have nothing to say!!

I’m done for now…

Dig It,
Dave

Enjoy Muthas...It's A Celebration!!

Well it’s that time of year again…

Mother’s Day is upon us. I hope that all of you mothers out there enjoy your special Hallmark Holiday tomorrow.

I think my mom will have a nice day because come May in Ohio, the ground begins to warm up.

Being six feet under during an Ohio winter and spring is just so cold and damp. Here’s to you and your warmed up bones Mom, you were the best!!

I’m taking Ryno out to get something for his Mom this morning.

What does one get for a mother who has everything…that used to belong to me? Ha.

A nice candle, maybe?

I know that Ryno’s mom is candled out. She has enough candles to light the entire city of Bagwine for seventeen years.

Flowers, perhaps? Eh, no…for two reasons.

First of all, her mom and dad just bought her a pot full of flowers, a hanging basket, and some other flora.

And the second reason? When I buy a couple of dozen annuals for Ryno to give her, I am the one who typically ends up planting them.

And well…planting flowers in a yard that is no longer mine, kinda irks me.

Of course, they always look good when I plant them because I water them with my tiny, tiny tears as I put them in the dirt.

So, I think I’ll take Ryno to a restaurant and pick up a gift certificate so he can take his mom out for breakfast on Mother’s Day.

I think that would be sweet. They could down some eggs and bacon tomorrow and then go to church.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right…I’m selfless. Sometimes it’s sickening how sweet I am.

Of course, even if I get him a twenty dollar gift certificate, his mom will still have to shell out another ten or fifteen bucks for breakfast.

Why so expensive for breakfast, you ask?

Because even though Ryno is rail thin, that boy can toss back the groceries faster than Rosie O’Donnell at an all-you-can-eat Swiss Steak buffet.

Oh, to have the metabolism of a 14 year old boy. The little shit. But, he’s mine and I love him.

And because I love him, I make sure we do things for his mom. Sometimes, it does tick me off that I do the things I do for her, but…

The things I do for her make him happy, help him to relax, and more importantly, I think someday he will realize that the things I did on her behalf weren’t just to be nice to her…

I was doing those things for him as well, and that I was putting his feelings before mine.

And THAT is what is important.

Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mothers out there. I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

Cheers!!

P.S. David truly appreciated those of you who welcomed him to the blewwgosphere yesterday. He was quite amused.

And Starr? A Head's Up. I think he’s making travel plans to the West Coast as we speak. ; )~

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Making The Right Choice In Spite of One's Self

It’s going to be a cool and overcast Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio.

So I won’t be working up much of a sweat as I work the beer mines from 11-7 today.

After my shift of selling hops and barley to the masses, I’m off to see Ryno and help him with his Algebra for a few minutes.

(I took that picture of Ryno yesterday. The loveable little shit is growing up fast, isn’t he?)

Once our tutoring is complete, I will head back here to the Bagwine digs and do what I do every Sunday evening…

Refect on the past week’s events and converse with the Holy Baby Jeebus in hopes of making me a better person and the week ahead better than the last.

Oh, and I’ll drink a few beers as well.

Speaking of drinking beer…I would have typed this post last night but damn…

Twenty seconds into typing last night, what I was typing appeared to me to be written in Sanskrit. Ohhhh Baby, I was more than a bit buzzed.

So, I aborted my publishing attempt and turned my thoughts to having hot sex with Schmoop. This was not to be either, because I don’t think I could have even found her hoo-ha.

So, we ate hot dogs and baked beans and went to bed. Even in my haze, I managed to choose the appropriate course of action.

Amen, and Amen…

On a related beer drinking note…Saturday’s festivities yielded a couple of happy accidents.

First of all, I talked to Little Bill. He is another employee of Drive-By Mikey’s beer mine. I rarely mention Little Bill because I rarely see him as he only works there on my days off.

However, I stopped in to pick up my party supplies from him yesterday. We chatted for a few when he told me a humorous story.

He was more than happy to appear on the Bagwine Cam and relate to you that story about a “brilliant” customer that he waited on last week. Enjoy…

Thanks much Little Bill…We’ll definitely have you back on Bagwine in the near future. How could we not?

The other happy accident? While swilling beer with Schmoop and her brother Dave, Dave per usual, came up with a few truly rude one liners that had us cracking up.

It was apparent to me, and my ability to shamelessly exploit others, that his talent could no longer be confined to the Bagwine abode.

So folks…beginning this Friday and every Friday thereafter, Bagwine Ruminations will be presenting Dave’s pearls of wisdom to the masses.

Just think…

Schmoop on Thursday and her brother on Friday. I’m sure that their 85 year old mom is incredibly proud of them. Or not.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

I Got Nothin'

Nothing, nada, nil. My mind is empty…a tabula rasa. A dry well.

Of course it has been hopping here at Bagwine Ruminations this week, so maybe I have spent all of my excitement for today.

I could speak about going to see Ryno this morning, but eh. I think he and I are just going to hang out.

I think my little man and I will venture to Best Buy. I have a gift card and I need a new radio.

I am looking for a plain, simple AM/FM radio…no CD or tape player. Just a nice, little, flip the switch radio.

Why do I feel that all of their radios will have a bunch of crap that I don’t need? You know, things like Bass Boost, TV Band…a tiny microwave oven.

On our way home I’ll probably take Ryno through his favorite burger joint, Rally’s, for a burger and fries.

This post is getting more exciting by the second, isn’t it?

After I drop him off, I’ll come back home and proceed to have several cocktails with Schmoop and her brother, David.

We’ll sit around and goof on people while watching a baseball game with the sound down. Oh yeah, am I lightin’ your fire now, people?

Zzzzzzz. I did have a good night at work Friday night. Which of course means I have no stories to tell about any slugnutties that came through.

In fact, a regular of ours came through the beer mine and gave me a Whopper Jr. That was nice of him and it was pretty good.

Still…nothing you really were dying to know, is it? Nope.

Oh, I got an email yesterday from my ol’ buddy Sherri. In case you didn’t know, she’s a nurse.

She was reading my site and saw the picture of my legs.

She said that they’re like shiny toothpicks and that there’s no hair on the lower portion.

She said that I probably have a circulatory problem due to my smoking. She then went on to say that I’ll probably die within six months.

Okay, Nurse Sherri didn’t say I would die…I was just trying to spice things up, because like I said…I’ve got nothing.

Anyhoo…If you can think of something that will get my mind kicked into gear I’d love to hear it.

Until tomorrow, my friends…

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: My Pussy Adores Matt-Man

Hi all. Schmoop here with another installment of Dispatches From My Ass.

Have I ever told you about our cat Corky, and my relationship with her? No? Well good, hang on.

Matt and I have been having hot, out of wedlock sex together going on nine years.

About seven years ago, he ventured out to find a kitten. For me.

I wanted a wittle, itty, bitty, furry baybee!

He came home with a CAT, not a kitten, a CAT. Ok, it took ten seconds to fall in love with this CAT. Shortly afterwards, we found out that this CAT was pregnant.

So lo and behold, a little while later this CAT had five itty, bitty, precious, furry baybees!! Ya need to see the baybees!!

Anyhoo, we, meaning I, took care of the CAT, and her kittens, until they were weaned, and then had the babies put to death. I kid, sorta.

We had to take them to the Humane Society (lock box of death) because we live in an apartment, so we couldn’t keep them, and could find no one who wanted any or all of them.

Deep breath, and many, many tears.

The CAT got quite ill two times, and the trips to the vet were expensive (Thanks D and M!). She finally got put on prescription food by HER doctor, so everything, so far is cool. All fourteen pounds of cool.

Here lies the rub.

I take care of her…food, water, litter evacuation, which she expects done at the same time every day by the way…and I fluff all of her own blankets. Hell, I won’t even vacuum if she’s asleep!!

Who does she want? Who does she love? Why it’s the Matt Man of course. Me?

What the hell do I get from Corky? Heartache, that's what!!

I get bitten, scratched, and snubbed. But Daddy, sweet, sweet Daddy, is the bestest ever!!

If Matt is not around and my brother David comes by, D gets the love I should be getting! How fucked up is that?

On the odd chance that she does let me hold her, if Matt-Man comes within 2 feet of us, she reaches out for him like a needy baby.

Corky follows him around like a dog…If he calls her, like Forrest Gump, she comes running, and dig this…

If her precious Matty sneezes, even if she is dead ass asleep, she wakes up and freaks out with concern and checks to see if he’s okay.

If she’s sleeping and I sneeze? She lays there like a piece of deadwood probably all the while dreaming of my death.

Matt’s even got her trained to get on one arm of the chair, so he can pick her up without bending down!!

Then, she proceeds to kiss him, rub all over his face, and call him George, or whatever the fuck she is saying in her cat talk.

This blows! I should be getting this attention, but noooo.

She doesn’t bite him, or scratch him, because he disciplines her, and she LOVES it. Bitch.

Hell, she even lays on the arm of the couch while he types and blogs!

Fucked up, I say.

So needless to say, the CAT, the little fuzzy, wuzzy baybee, that I wanted to have, hold, and cherish…wants the Matt Man. Damn, I can’t win…

Oh hey, here she comes!!

Oh Corky, snookie-wookums, come to mama I haz love!!!!

OW! Bitch!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

I have several things to briefly mention on this last Hump Day of April. So, let’s get to it. Shall we?

First of all, my boss, Drive-By Mikey, has imposed a new nickname on me.

For over a year now, he has referred to me like most people do: Matt-Man. As of yesterday, he now refers to me as, “Toothpick”.

Why? Because of my legs…

While I do have damn muscular thighs (right Schmoop?), my legs below the knee are according to him, like toothpicks.

As you can see from the picture, he may have a point.

Between my constant pacing at home (I think better that way) and the walking I do at work, I probably ambulate 3 miles a day, so they are sinewy, but a bit thin looking.

Oh well…

I still don’t know if I like being called, “Toothpick” by my pig fucker boss. Yeah, my boss, the pig fucker.

See, Mikey not only owns the Drive-Thru at which Pizza Bill and I work, but he’s a farmer as well, and he raises pigs. He recently delivered a litter of 15 piglets.

I just hope Mikey wore a rubber when he dorked the pork, at least until it burst and he impregnated sexy Sooooozy.

And now…a brief political comment. Senator Arlen Specter has decided to leave the GOP and join the Democrats.

While I find it funny, I am not a big fan of what he is doing. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always liked Specter, but I am disappointed by his decision.

If Specter was leaving the Republicans solely on ideological and policy issues that would be fine.

But, he is abandoning the party that helped him to get where he is in order to avoid losing his seat in the 2010 Senate Primary to a more conservative Republican, Pat Toomey.

I didn’t like it when Jerusalem Joe Lieberman did it to the Dems, and I don’t like to see Specter do it to the GOP.

This type of action lacks loyalty, and is incredibly self-serving. So, pfffffffft to you Arlen.

Lastly, Schmoop’s brother David, relayed a very disturbing story to me yesterday about their sister. You know…

The sister who gives their 85 year old mom coloring books and Serenity Adult Diapers as gifts…

Well, her dog died.

Overcome with grief, Koloring Book Kunt (David’s words, not mine) and her husband (who will drive 300 miles to save 50 cents on a 2 liter of Mountain Dew), laid out a wad of cash for a tiny dog casket and a headstone for said dead dog, and buried her in the backyard.

Where in the backyard, you ask?

Next to all of the OTHER pet headstones and caskets!! Are you listening Stephen King!? Schmoop’s sister is running her own, personal Pet Sematary!!

Hell, why not combine all of the dead dogs into one, giant Pawsoleum!?

David and Schmoop…They just found out themselves, but as you can see, for good reasons, they don’t…go…over there. Oy.

And now, speaking of Schmoop, she will be doing another installment of, Dispatches From My Ass tomorrow.

It should be another award winning offering from the Schmoop.

Until then, my friends…Eat a pig. Betray those who helped ya, and bury a dead pet in your backyard.

Cheers!!

Color All the Fairies, and Next Year I'll Get You Play-Doh

This past Thursday was Schmoop’s mom’s 85th Birthday.

She has, over the course of her life, given birth to six kids…four boys and two girls.

She is batting .500 as far as the kids go. Three are fairly normal, and the other three..?

Um, not so much.

Beth (Schmoop), David, and their brother, Jeff? Sane.

There are two other boys who are of questionable mental faculties and then there is…PAM. Or, as David refers to her, “Beth’s Sister.”

Now, don’t get me wrong…Pam seems to be a very sweet person, however; she seems to be living in a totally different universe.

Or, to use David’s vernacular, “She’s a Slugnutty.”

Allow me back to up to Christmas of 2007. Pam evidently put a lot of thought into what to get her mom for Christmas that year.

Good ol’ Ma likes carry out food from a couple of local eateries including a pizza place just down the street from her home.

Perhaps Pam decided to get her a gift certificate from one of those establishments. What did Pam end up getting Ma for X-Mas…?

A big freakin’ package of Serenity Bladder Control pads.

That is so warm, so human…so full of filial devotion.

I mean, seriously…

What says, Merry Christmas better than enabling your mom to comfortably have several bladder accidents while watching an Andy Griffith Show marathon on TV Land?

Now Schmoop’s mom is 85. She is often tired, can’t hear well, and doesn’t move too gracefully, but she’s not an addle-minded invalid by any means.

However, Pam obviously thinks that this past Thursday when mom hit 85, she actually turned 4 years of age. Why, you ask?

Her present to her mom this birthday? A coloring book!! Full of Fairy pictures!! And a 12 pack of Crayons!! Claims it’ll keep her mind sharp!!

Oh, Baby…Somebody needs their mind sharpened alright, but I don’t think it’s Mom.

That’s okay though, she did bring over a cake…Of course, the cake that was left over she took back home with her. That’s so sweet.

And…a little advice. If you are going to get your mom a set of crayons, c’mon and spring for at least the 64 pack.

I mean, really…how well can one color a fairy picture without utilizing burnt umber and aquamarine? Damn right.

Oy Vay, people. Most times, just saying, “I love you”, and giving nothing, is so much better than giving something slugnutty…

Especially when it could very well embarrass the recipient.

Have a Monday all…

Cheers!!

It is Finished, and...Has Just Begun

Following up on yesterday’s post…

I used the phrase: It is finished.

And yesterday, indeed it was. My 43rd year on this Earth, dissipated into the shadows of time.

Today, I begin my 44th year on our big blue marble. Am I optimistic?

Well, I work 11-4 today. I have a half a pack of smokes on me, 6 bucks in my wallet, and a freshly shaved head…

Oh yeah, Bitches…My 44th year is off to a freakishly fantastic start.

I’m off to see Ryno this morning, and then go to work for a few hours. After that, it’s party time.

My brother Marte’ will be stopping by. That in itself is quite a Birthday treat.

He makes me laugh. I make him laugh…and together we make Schmoop cringe. I dig that.

Schmoop’s brother, my personal hair stylist Dave, will be by and I’m sure he’ll toss a few 24 ounce Birthday Buds back.

Schmoop will of course be on hand (and in my hands). Lookin’ good, no?

She has already made a cake for me, but I am really looking forward to eating her pie. Yum-Oh!!

Oh yeah, things will be smokin’ here at the Bagwine digs after 4 today.

So babies, drink one for me today. Hoist a glass and help me celebrate my 44th B-Day.

I’ll check in later tonight and perhaps have some alcohol blurred Birthday comments.

Until then…

Cheers!!