Last Thursday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Jerry Falwell.I feel a duty to his memory to not let it go
I asked God if I could do an interview with the Reverend Falwell, the Holy Honcho said that Jerry wasn’t exactly “nearby”.
Being the blessed old SOB that he his, however, G-Dawg gave me a phone number where I could reach Falwell.
Always the cut up, God said to me, prior to attending to a pre-scheduled, tectonic rattling of the Chinese landscape, “Matt-Man, consider this number a direct HOT-Line.”
So I called, and after a brief discussion on tax tips with Leona Helmsley who was running the switchboard, she put me through to Falwell…
Matt-Man: Reverend Falwell…Matt-Man here, how the hell are ya?
Falwell: Ahhhhh, Brother Matthew, I am basking in the light of the Lord…Amen.
Matt-Man: But aren’t you in Hell, Jerry?
Falwell: I cannot disclose that. But I will tell you that this place is hot, the meals consist of leper skin gruel, and the staff is currently redecorating a cell…er…I mean suite, for when Pastor Rod Parsley and Dick Cheney come to stay with us.
Matt-Man: Are you continuing to save souls in the afterlife there Jerry?
Falwell: Ohhh Brother Matthew…As soon as I arrived, I began to cure Hermann Goering of his homosexuality.
Matt-Man: How’s that workin’ out for ya?
Falwell: It was going fine, until last Tuesday, when Hermann allowed himself to be publicly sodomized by the Borgia family.
Matt-Man: Wow, that’s classic…did you take pictures?
Falwell: It was disturbing Brother Matthew, but kinda fun to watch a Nazi getting reamed by a group of greasy Spaniards. And who knew that Pope Alexander VI had such a huge schlong. I bet that left a mark. Ouch!!
Matt-Man: I have a few more ques….
Falwell: Oh I am sorry Brother Matthew, but it is time for my daily 4:15 burning at the stake…
Matt-Man: Sweet Baby Jeebus, that has to be painful, Jerr.
Falwell: It is, it is indeed. But it’s not as bad as when they extinguish the flames that engulf my body.
Matt-Man: Why is that?
Falwell: Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, and Joan Crawford drop trowel and piss on me until the fires recede. Brutal!!
Matt-Man: Well thanks for your time, Reverend.
Falwell: Anytime, Brother Matthew, and tell Joyce Meyer that I can’t wait to see her. I’m a huge fan.
And there you have it, my interview with the Jerr-Meister.
Have a lovely Monday, and as always…
Cheers!!
