I'd Like a Double Cheeseburger, a Medium Coke, and a Large Order of Friendship

Happy Hump Day, Bitches…

Let me tell ya something.

Last night, I spent ninety minutes on the phone with a friend from my High School years.

I talked to her because her husband is someone who was, and is, a friend, and someone I grew up with and she is having a 50th Birthday party for him this Saturday.

I worked with her at Hardee’s all through High School. We had great times. They got married and the union of she and he, and I among others, drifted apart.

And while I am not big on the quasi-reunion sort of thing, I called to tell her I would be there, because after all these years of not seeing them, I still dig them both.

I grew up with the birthday boy in question and spent my High School years working side by sexy side with his now wife. We had a blast in those days.

We partied together. Camped together. Partied together.

They watched me go through women and watched women go through me together.

I watched them get married way too young and yet, after 27 years and two kids, they are still together, and quite happily. I dig that.

I don’t know what my point is…I guess it’s this…

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words."

I hadn’t forgotten the words, but my buddy’s wife reminded me of them, and for ninety minutes on the phone with her last night, I had a great deal of fun, and sang along.

On Saturday, during her husband’s/my buddy’s birthday, we shall sing as one.

Anyhoo…

Thursday night we are going to have even much more fun as Jayman and I celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EDT.

Jay is going to interview his great grandmother times ten and we are going to have a live remote from my liver. Fun for the whole family.

And in case you haven’t heard, my fave televangelist, Joyce Meyer, has done a promo for us:



(if the button doesn’t work, click where it says, “twaud.io”)

So, this is it; that’s all there is; there isn’t anymore. Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheers!!

I Love Joyce Meyer

Y’know?

I have for the last few days been making fun of Joyce Meyer, but let me tell ya.

Joyce Meyer is pretty cool. I have been making fun of her on Twitter, Facebook, and more specifically, here on Bagwine Ruminations. And yet…

She is still my Twitter “friend”.

She still follows me and my philosophical, yet inane tweets. I like that.

You know what I like more?

Some people don’t like my honesty, my sarcasm, my, “no, it is you who are wrong” mentality.

I think Joyce Meyer is a complete crook by misinterpreting the Bible and preying upon donors in order to financially fuel her ministry and herself, and yet I respect her, in a sense, more than many public figures I know.

Why is that you ask?

Because she has not unfollowed me on Twitter!!

Oh sure you say…Because she still feeds your ego Matt-Man, she’s okay…nope, it’s nothing like that.

I have been unfollowed by Joe Scarborough, Leslie Marshall, and yesterday through a Direct Message on Twitter, by the idiot that is Neal Boortz, to name a few.

Joyce Meyer on the other hand, has suffered many sarcastic retorts by me, on Twitter, and yet…

She still follows me. I dig that. In fact…

I want to take Joyce out for dinner, maybe buy her a drink, and perhaps engage in a little kissy face along the beach, should she find me attractive.

We could pretend it’s the Sea of Galilee and the waves are all heartfelt and God sent. Praise Jeebus!!

In all seriousness?

I think Joyce Meyer is a typical evangelical crook, but at least she didn’t, and hasn’t shied away from what she thinks she is doing like the others I mentioned.

It’s a bit sad that other “tough guy” and “tough women” talking heads don’t have the balls that Joyce has.

Amen and Amen…

Cheers!!

Joyce Meyer Is Saving Me...One Tweet at a Time

It’s Friiiiiiiday Chuckleheads, so let’s get with it ‘cause we’re losing an hour of the weekend this…um…weekend.

First up, Jayman and I gave our souls to Jesus last night as we talked about Lent on I’m With Stupid.

It was another award winning show and one which all but secured our places in Heaven.

Marty Martenstein reported live via digital recording from Catholic Ash Wednesday church services.

He took us on a tour of the church’s gift store which not only included rosary beads, but anal beads as well.

Jesus Christ himself reported from my smoke free lungs and also did a bit of stand up. It was first class.

We had a fine crowd of folks in the chat room and in addition to IWS uber-fan Dub-K calling in, so did the uber-lovely Dianne.

And let me tell ya, nobody drops the fuck bomb any sexier than Dianne.

Through it all, Jayman did not cuss, and I did not smoke. So other than reports of some folks having trouble logging in and not being able to listen (thanks BTR), it was all good.

If you missed it, please give it a listen by utilizing the magical, I’m With Stupid archive machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

This Lent thing is really coming together and I am getting messages from above that I am already being blessed.

Yesterday morning I was alerted by Twitter that none other than Joyce Meyer is now following me on Twitter.

For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is one of my favorite domestic terrorists God filled televangelists.

I hope our relationship flourishes and blesses us both, Joyce. Let’s spend the day tweeting each other; it’ll be HOT!!

Lastly…I alluded to losing an hour this weekend. That’s because we all need to set our clocks forward an hour when we go to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I never forget, because...

On Sunday morning I like to cure my hangover with a half dozen McMuffins with sausage and cheese and if I were to show up ay McDonalds with my Sunday hangover and discovered they were already serving lunch, I would be pissed.

So there you have it, kids. Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and rest up, for St Patrick’s Day is just a few days away.

Cheers!!

Matt-Sinai

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent Brett Favre texting incidents are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, namely, Gretchen Carlson’s stupidity, don’t worry, your time will come.

I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about, and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches...

Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it, and it will show at some point…

Maybe.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like this.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like this.

Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something this moving.

I hope you all find this entry moving, soul softening, and well, wonderful.

‘Cause if ya don’t…you’re freaky, and hate the little baby Jeebus.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: A Personal Dichotomy

It’s going to be a snowy and blustery day in Bagwine, Ohio this Sabbath.

As I am manning the Beer Mine from 11-7 today, I ask for your prayers that the warmth and glow of the newly born Baby Jeebus keep me warm.

Funny thing about this time of year…

Christmas is over, but most folks are still in a good mood.

Maybe it’s the lingering aura of the Messiah’s afterbirth lying on the straw strewn floor of a Galilean manger; perhaps it’s more the anticipation of the New Year.

Who knows why the joy of Christmas lingers..?

Whether it’s a glob of supernatural, pacifistic placenta or the hopes of getting laid on New Year’s Eve, this time of year is wonderful.

I think that between the Nazarean Natality being celebrated (whether one believes or not), and the coming of the New Year, many people look at this time as a fresh start.

I dig the attitudes of the people that I encounter at this time of year. The sarcasm is softer. The cuss words are fewer…

My attempts of getting hot chicks that come through the Beer Mine to sleep with me, are met with a chuckle rather than a call to the police.

This is one of the few times that we celebrate the death and ending of something rather than mourning its passing. Its quite an odd, yet joyous time.

I am one who does not celebrate the passing of anything or anyone. Oh sure, when Jerry Falwell died, some said that I was glib and almost happy about it.

I was NOT happy about it. In fact, when Falwell keeled over, I was in grief over the fact that the Devil now had another foot soldier to serve within his army of sin.

I dread the day that Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and Rod Parsley kick the offertory bucket. When they do…Satan will have the group he once only dreamed of. But I digress…

Anyhoo…I don’t know where I was going with this. Maybe it is just a way to innoculate you to the fact that with the coming New Year, I may be introspective this week.

I know how you hate it when I am introspective rather being one who spews my 13 year old kid humor. So, I thought I’d give ya all a heads up.

Until tomorrow my friends…

Cheers!!

If Jeebus Says It, It Has To Be True

I appreciated all of the answers to my questions the other day. Thanks for taking the time to chime in.

One question was, “What, if anything, really irritates you about me?” One reader who shall be nameless but always uber-hot, mentioned that my Christian bashing can sometimes be a bit much.

I was shocked…Nay…OUTRAGED!!

I never thought of myself as a Christian basher. Being one who walks in near lockstep with the Holy Baby Jeebus I thought I only bashed those who pretended to live a life as Jeebus would.

But…Just to find out for sure, and put this issue to rest, I called up my buddy, Jeebus and asked him to stop by for a couple of beers. He obliged, and he brought his pal of Old Testament fame, Micah with him.

The three of us noshed on bacon wrapped tater tots and sausage bites. We threw back some beer and Bagwine and caught up with each other. It was nice.

At what I thought to be the right time, I asked Jeebus…“Yo J-Man. Do you think I am a Christian basher?”

Jeebus spoke…“Matt-Man, my friend. You are many things. Funny, sarcastic, undersexed and over imbibing. In fact, you can be a complete and utter asshole. But, you are not a Christian basher. Please tell me who bore false witness against you?”

I told him that I would rather leave her out of it. To which he replied…“Leave her out of it? I don’t think I should. I should…wait just a…Her? Oh I get it…you think she’s hot dontcha?”

I responded…

“Well you know me…I think damn near any woman between the age of 35 and 65 and has tits is hot. But, yeah. Which reminds me…How the hell is Mary Magdalene these days?”

Jeebus laughed and then smacked me upside the head with his hand.

It’s kind of neat because when he does that, the air going through the holes in his hand makes a wacky whistling sound. It still hurts though. My head, not his hand.

Anyhoo…there you have it Mizz One Who Shall Be Nameless. Jeebus said I am not a Christian basher. After he deemed that so, Jeebus, Micah, and I whooped it up.

Jeebus kept magically refilling the bottle of Wild Irish Rose. And Micah? He’s a madman, but he had to go to the bathroom every three minutes. Holy Cow, I asked Jeebus if Micah was always such piss happy party animal. J-Man told me this…

“Matt-Man for a 2,800 year old Jew, the boy can bring it. He has the liver and staying power of a 22 year old. Unfortunately he also has the bladder of a two year old.”

Micah was in the bathroom when Jeebus told me that and we heard Micah say, “I heard that, you lousy bastards. Hee Hee Hee.”

J-Man and I started laughing when a half asleep Schmoop groggily yelled from the bedroom…

“Jesus Christ Micah, for a holy man you have lousy aim. I can hear your prophetic piss ricocheting all over my bathroom floor, Goddamit!!”

Christ and I were rolling on the floor doubled up in laughter. And then…It was time for Jeebus and Micah to go back to Heaven. But before they left, Jeebus said unto me…

“Making fun of people who claim to be Christians is no big deal. People like Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, and those who go to church to be seen and not in order to truly live by my word are assholes.

Keep on keepin’ on my friend. Oh, and Glenn Beck…Make fun of him too; I hate that asshole. And one other thing…

This chick who said this to you? You tell her that Jeebus said that if she doesn’t have sex with you, she will surely go to Hell.”

He then kissed me on the head, parted his fingers and said, “Live long and prosper Matt-Man, LOL.”

In a wink, he and Micah were gone, but they left a message for me.

I sat down and on the table the Bible was open to Micah 6:8...

“And what does the lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.

Other than that “humbly” part…I think I live up to those words.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Racial Equality Week: Uptightie Whities

Yesterday I talked about a handful of Black people that I hate, and today...?

Bagwine Racial Equality Week (BREW) continues today as I offer you a small sampling of…

White People I Hate…

Joyce Meyer: Apparently being a “vessel of GAWD” and walking with the Holy Baby Jeebus means stealing from grandmothers, wearing designer clothes to cover one’s fat ass, and owning a jet and multiple homes.

I have no civil or artistic way to say it, so I’ll just say it. Whenever she speaks, I see shit coming from her mouth, and I am not speaking figuratively. In place of her mouth, I actually envision a Play-Doh factory oozing brown, black, and green shit. Sometimes, there is corn in it.

I hate televangelist crooks in general, from Benny Hinn to Rod Parsley, but Joyce Meyer, makes my dick go limp and unlike Hinn and Parsley, she has no comedic upside.

Bill O’Reilly: Wow, and some folks think that I have a huge ego!! Picture my ego as a No. 2 pencil and Blowhard Bill’s as the Washington Monument and you have an accurate comparison. He loves himself more everyday than I love myself when I am watching porn clips.

Screw the power of judgment of The Almighty; Knuckle-Fuck Bill will let you know if you should remain a person who is worthy of living. I do watch his show however, because at least twice a week he shows soft-core porn clips and passes it off as a report on how our society is going down the tubes.

Carrot Top: Does this really need an explanation? I didn’t think so.

Thomas Jefferson: Sure, he was a scientist, a President, and helped to write the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution. He also hosed some black chick and got her pregnant. Do I find that unsettling? Hell No…

What I do find unsettling is that Jefferson covered it up instead of bragging about it. I would have worn that fact like a Badge of Honor. He, like me, may have been some type of Renaissance Man, but unlike me, he was nothing more than a pantaloon-wearin’, pasty white pussy.

Ann Coulter: Seriously…Was her mother hooked on thalidomide when she gave birth to her? Holy Cow, Anthrax Coulter is one seriously fucked up white girl.

I don’t mind a little fun hate and satire coming from a person’s mouth, but if the Prince of Peace ever makes his second coming, this lobotomized bitch will smack him upside the head for being a Jew.

The worse thing is that she and some other misguided folks think that she is hot. Maybe she is…If you’re a person who is into a chick with stringy hair, a Granny Smith-sized Adam’s Apple, and who shakes like a Chihuahua shitting razor blades.

As for me? I’m not into women like that, and, I prefer to spend time with ladies who actually have a soul.

Oh sure, I could go on about other white people I hate, but as the vast majority of my readers are Caucasian, I understand that their attention span is limited, so I shall end it here.

Tomorrow, BREW will continue and instead of being filled with hate as I have been for the past couple of days, I shall promote loooooove.

On Wednesday, our racial equality series will continue with, Non-Caucasian Muffins That I’d Love To Butter.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Jesus Effing Christ!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.

Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language. Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?
.

.

.

.

Ha. I didn't think so either.

Have a wunnerful Monday.

Cheers

A Little Bit of Sunshine

As I told you earlier this week, I have been a bit ticked off of late.

Schmoop was shedding her eggs. Ryno was slacking off at school, and well, I really wasn’t lookin’ forward to working on Easter Sunday.

But…there are a few rays of joy that came my way recently.

I’m still in a bit of a funk over my kid, but I’ll be hanging out with him today, which will be nice.

And, he should feel very fortunate that April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, ‘cause I’d still like to smack him upside his head. But nonetheless, he’s a joy to be with.

I got paid yesterday and by golly, thanks to President Obama, I had a few extra dollars on my check. That’s cool, especially since the Federal Tax on smokes just went up.

I am back down to 182 pounds, so that makes me kinda happy. Just think, my 72 hour fast starts Thursday so I may just break that 180 barrier.

Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries was reading my site again yesterday. That always puts a smile on my face.

I think ol’ chipmunk cheek Joyce wants to get all naked and biblical with me.

Maybe I’ll email her and ask her if she’d like to play, Lot and his Wanton Daughters, with me and Lindsay Roberts.

My brother Marte’ came over Thursday night and he came bearing gifts. Birthday gifts for Schmoop specifically.

He brought her a new DVD player, some beer, Movie Theatre popcorn, and a DVD of Tommy Boy. Marte’ and his wife are a couple of sweethearts.

That DVD player is a great gift, because we were really having trouble finding quality BETA tapes of late.

My mood was also improved because my old buddy Sherri came through the Drive-Thru Friday night. Always a pleasure to see her.

She told me to stop losing weight and then asked what color my pee was. No, she’s not completely crazy; she’s a nurse.

Anyhoo, she said once again that we’d get together for some coffee. Ha. She’s so cute when she lies to my face.

And then, after work Friday night…I came home and got my freak on with my non-menstruating Schmoop.



Yum-Frickin’-Ohhhhhhhh, Baby!! I think there is more of that in store for today. And guess what else, Bitches!?

As it stands now, I am off Easter Sunday. That’s right. I am working half a day next Saturday, but as for Easter? I…Am…Off!!

Come Resurrection Day, it will be me, Jeebus, and Schmoop, with a suitcase full of White Castles, a bucket of chicken, a bag full of Taco Bell, and a skillet full of brats.

And all the while, we will be watching porn on the new DVD player.

This week hasn’t been the best week of my life, but there are always glimmers of sunshine no matter how dark things may seem.

Enjoy your Saturday, all…

Cheers!!

Matt-Siah Speaks...

There were a throng of comments about God yesterday, so...

I decided to climb once more upon my mile high soap box and imbue a few more pearls of wisdom unto the blogospherical masses.

These are tough economic times and damn it, if you’re hurting, chin up folks, better days lie ahead and maybe even a job.

If you, like the folks who lost family members in recent plane crashes are saddened over a personal loss, I will be happy to offer you some “solace”.

If you feel trampled upon by others, don’t worry, your time will come. I’ll help you achieve your dream. I will help you become a righteous dude or dudette.

If you are nice to me, I’ll be nice to you, and…if you, like me, are a good person, maybe we can hook up some time and see “God” together. ; )

Those of you who play nice and don’t attack each other on my site, as well as those who have been attacked on here, are very special to me, and have a standing invite to come to the digs and party with me.

Those of you who have been mocked, lied about and such while on my site, don’t fret, Bitches. Much like commenters from the past, you are a better person for it and it will show at some point.

I hope you guys continue to visit Bagwine Ruminations. ‘Cause, well…you are the Bagwine. And if you no longer stop by, the bottle dries up and sits empty.

And really, what good is an empty bottle? It just gets thrown at the dumpster, misses, and shatters.

You guys brighten my day and my life. Y’all are like the city of Denver…mile high, saying, “Look at me!!”

And I do look, because you cannot camouflage your humor, wit, and brilliant charm.

I see you as shiny, happy people, and I hope everyone from here to eternity sees the same thing in you that I do.

Was that a great exhortation or what!?

Let’s see Joyce Meyer, Benny Hinn, or any of those other bums come up with something like that.

Hell’s fire, even Jeebus couldn’t orate like that. Okay, maybe Jeebus could, but you’d have to look long and hard in the Bible to find something that moving.

Cheers!!

The Pocket Fisher of Men

I’ve got a problem with The Almighty.

On Sunday, several children (as well as some adults) died in a plane crash in Montana…500 feet away from the runway, nonetheless.

It makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my heart hurt.

It also makes me wonder, not necessarily if God exists; I'll allow for that possibility...

It makes me wonder what the hell kind of being this God is.

Don't tragedies like this make you wonder?

Believers will tell you that God is Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omnisci...Omnisee...um...and Omni-Knowing.

Even if I stipulate to those three things as fact, that doesn't necessarily make God Omni-Beneficent.

Why didn’t he save those little kids? Why didn’t he raise his almighty hand and guide the plane safely to the airport?

Well, some may say that through their death those around them will appreciate life more. It will show them that life is fleeting, and they should make the most of it.

And...That those kids are now with the Lord in Heaven and some day, just like the kids, your suffering will pass and Heaven will seem even more glorious than can be imagined.

Fuck that.

If The Almighty is using kids (or anyone for that matter) in this manner and for those reasons, he's nothing more than a Madison Avenue marketing magician.

Dostoyevsky, one of my all-time faves, once stated that if God is using the death of children to fertilize the garden of life, he is not all-good.

I agree...Anyone, whether it be me, you, or The Almighty, who uses others, is far from all-good, and in a word, sucks.

Of course, this use of others is a two way street. So called people of piety use God all of the time.

In his name, they attempt to make law, shame others, and try to collect a tidy personal fortune along the way.

Uh-huh. These people are using God, Jeebus, and others to create a little Heaven on Earth.

And, maybe that's the master plan. People like Benny Hinn and Joyce Meyer use God, and God uses others...each with their own purposes.

Perhaps, God did make man in His image, and God looks and acts alot like Billy Mays or Ron Popeil.

And maybe, when one's life on Earth is done, he or she is transported to God's Kingdom where they live 24/7 in a late night infomercial for all eternity.

If this is God's plan for me....If this really is as "good" as he gets...

I may as well place my Bible in the closet, and Just Set It and Forget It.

Cheers!!

P.S. Today is Meg's (Prefers Her Fantasy Life) Birthday. She stopped by Bagwine briefly a couple of weeks ago and I got to meet her.

She is complaining about being older, but trust me...She's hot and it appeared that she has great boobies. So, click HERE and go wish Meg and her boobies a Happy Birthday!!

Cream of Potato Soup with a Side of Joyce Meyer

I do so love the Lenten Season. It’s been thirteen meatless days thus far and I’m feelin’ angry great.

Monday night after work, I came home and opened the cabinet to grab a can of Cream of Potato soup for my meatless dinner.

I heard some giggling coming from behind the can of soup. I initially recoiled from surprise, and then I heard a voice emanating from behind the can say…

Matt-Man, you big Mary…Afraid of a can of creamy, condensed spuds, ya girly man?

Who was the source of this voice of antagonism and ridicule?

My pal, Jeebus!!

We high fived each other, exchanged a warm yet manly hug, and then I asked him what the hell he was doing here.

He said that he just needed to get away from his digs in Heaven for awhile. He sounded a bit bummed, so I asked what the problem was.

He told me that new neighbors have moved in on either side of his pad and they are just impossible. I asked him who moved in?

Jeebus hopped atop the can and let loose…

Holy Crap, Matt-Man. On one side, Jonah moved in. If I have to listen to his damn fish story one more time, I’m gonna pull my nails out. And the thing is…?

Every…time…he tells…it, his captivity gets longer, and the frickin’ fish gets bigger.

His story has gone from him being inside a 30 foot Marlin for three days and nights, to being swallowed by a 12 ton whale and living inside its belly for damn near six months.

And then he kvetches that even though he survived such a supernatural event, he only gets four damn chapters in the Bible.

Oy Vay, my dear friend, Matt…Oy Vay.

Who’s on the other side, I asked.

Oh Jeez. That would be Lazarus. Not the beggar Lazarus from The Book of Luke, he lives in Section 8 paradise…

I’m talking, Lazarus of Bethany...the one I raised from the dead.

He’s always trying to horn in on my action. We had a cookout the other day, and I was grillin’ some brats and talkin’ to some chicks about being the Son of God n’shit…

Well, Lazarus got all pissy and jealous, and chimed in…Well hell, ladies, I was resurrected too; why don’t you all show ME some lovin’.

Boy, Matt-Man…Do I ever regret resurrecting his ungrateful ass. He’s such a shmeckle. But…I’m done now. I feel better. Thanks for letting me vent, my buddy.

I told Jeebus, anytime. But then I asked him a question…

I asked him, “Jeebus? Someone from Joyce Meyer Ministries has been reading my site of late. They were on it again Monday. Are you pulling a fast one me?”

Jeebus laughed, and said…

Ha. I put a divine word into her ear and told Joyce to read Bagwine Ruminations.

I laughed and asked, “Why? Do you think her stopping by and checking my site out will save my soul?”

Jeebus responded…

Ha…Good Lord, No. I was hoping that if Joyce and her cronies read your blog long enough, it would save their sorry, sinning asses.

As we laughed, we high fived once more, and I said to him, “You’re the best, Jeebus.”

And as he dissipated into the night, through his heavenly laughter he said…

Of course I am…I’m Jeebus Christ, Bitch!!

Oh how I love going meatless during Lent.

Cheers!!

Update: Hee Hee. Joyce Meyer is gettin' saved. Praise Jeebus!!

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The Economy is Flowing and So's the Booze

Hola Bitches!!

Why do I open today’s post with that line, you ask? Well…

Because tomorrow is Bagwine buddy, Jay’s, birthday.

The Cynical Bastard hizzelf, will be celebrating his 41st year on this big blue marble of ours.

If you get the chance today or tomorrow, stop by his site and wish the funny man a very Happy Birthday.

You can stop by Jay’s digs by clicking HERE. Happy Birthday Jay!!

Now to the matter at hand on this busy day in Bagwine, Ohio.

This week I have introduced you to my four part Bagwine Economic Plan. I have called for raising money through legalized prostitution, drugs, smoking, and taxing churches.

With the exception of the visits and comment from the Joyce Meyer Ministries yesterday, the response has been quite positive.

I think today would be a good time to celebrate not only Jay’s birthday, but the success of my economic plan as well.

So friends, today we will be having a party, and instead of cake we will be feasting on the head of Joyce Meyer.



Dig in people!! Her head is a tasty treat of deceit, avarice, and vanity. Although be warned…It does have an awful aftertaste.

Of course we need to wash it down with something, and that leads me to the fourth and final part of the Bagwine Economic Plan.

After running the numbers of tax revenue generated by parts 1-3, I have found that we can greatly reduce the debt and still give something back to the American taxpayers.

Part Four, my fellow Americans…FREE BOOZE FOR ALL, FOR LIFE.

Be it beer, Bagwine, or top shelf booze, you will be able to get plastered at no cost.

You may suffer a hangover from this benefit but, your wallet will not. Boo Yah!!


So eat a piece of Joyce Meyer’s head and drink up, bitches. It’s a celebration!!

If you would like to see the other three planks of my economic plan you can do so by clicking HERE.

Enjoy your weekend, and…

Cheers!!

In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the 1040Amen

The past two days I have written about ways to infuse much needed cash into our government, and spark the economy.

I spoke about prostitution profits on Tuesday…

And, smoking and drugs windfalls on Wednesday…

Today, the third of my four part Bagwine Economic Plan focuses on…Religion.

The old saying from World War II states, “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition.”

My plan calls for a new saying…

Praise the Lord, and cough up the money that you have been stealing from viewers in God’s name, you charlatan televangelist bastards, who claim to run a non-profit house of God…You!!

Okay…that was a little wordy, but you get my point.

You want to get a donation in return for some vial of “Holy Water” that is actually Hudson River sewage, over your 800 line?

Have at it…However.

When 78 year old Martha Smith sends in her $29.95, keep in mind that $20.00 of it will go to the government instead of the Lord Almighty…or in your case, a new wine cellar. Do you hear me Paul Crouch!?

We’re going to tax these so called churches...

Tax them to the point where it will be easier for these false prophets to get into Heaven than it will for a dollar to pass through their hands and make its way to a down payment on a 5 million dollar home.

Are ya with me Joyce Meyer?

And by the way Joyce…I know you think you look good, but seriously…

You really look like a cheap New Orleans whore who is soooooo past her prime.

And remember, turnin’ tricks for Jeebus is gonna cost you from now on.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Benny Hinn, Rod Parsley, Kenneth Copeland…It will be a divine miracle if you have a penny left after I am through taxing you, and your “church”.

Of course, that doesn’t matter to you guys, because you have Jeebus in your hearts…right?

And lastly, a message to Pope Benedict XVI…

I realize that you claim to be infallible, but hear me now. You are not "intaxable".

Cough it up, Blitzkrieg Benny…The Catholic Church owes America about a Trinity of a Billion Dollars.

You can start the pay back by paying property taxes on the $470,000.00 house you just bought for the new Archbishop of Cincinnati.

God Forbid, he live above the Church in an apartment like the last Archbishop.

I know…I know…this wasn’t funny like the first two parts of my plan, but I can’t help it.

As much as I like religion, for far too long, and far too often, organized religion/churches have gotten away with economic sacrilege.

More than the Congress and politicians, these types of folks make my stomach turn.

You see, politicians play upon peoples’ fear and ignorance. While not right, fear and ignorance hold little worth.

Televangelists and clerics play upon peoples’ faith. That DOES have worth.

And more importantly, sometimes that is all people have.

Tax the Bastards...Amen.

Cheers!!

Update (9:25 A.M.): Well, well...Ha!! You rock , Joyce. You sleazy co-hunt, you.

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Feelin' guitly Joyce Meyer...or Art?

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You guys blow...in more ways than one...So sayeth the Little Baby Jeebus!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Out of My Way, I'm a Christian, Dammit!!

It’s a hot, hazy Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio today.

But…I am actually rested up from my “week off” and ready to get back to being myself.

I have to work all day today, but before I go, I have an actual sermon for all of us…Specifically, for all of us “Christians” in the audience.

Something hit me last night at about 9:15 P.M., in between my 14th beer and my second pint of Wild Irish Rose…

Christians, suck.

Now hold on Nellie, not true Christians, but those who profess to be Christians.

I laugh at some of these charlatans such as Rod Parsley, Paul Crouch, Joyce Meyer, and Benny Hinn, but far more dangerous is the hypocrisy that lies within our family, our neighbors, ourselves.

Far too often of late, I have been called a “fucking asshole”, a “jerk”, and a whatever body part one might like up his or her ass…

Typically, I don’t mind these aspersions…in fact, I usually find them funny. But these are words coming from self-professed “Christians”.

I do not proclaim to be anything other than an imperfect being. I make fun of myself on a regular basis…sometimes to a fault.

Why in this day is there a proliferation of people that claim to be Jeebus personified and whine that they are being persecuted?

People who claim to want to help others and yet complain about how their money is wasted on the less fortunate.

People who want eternal salvation for all, but demand a price from others here on Earth.

People who judge others while refusing to look in the mirror…

I have often taken shots at the Little Baby Jeebus, but religion aside, his message is something that everyone should agree upon.

The Golden Rule, The Sermon on the Mount, the sending back of the veal cutlet because it was under done and over priced…

I also like Lao-Tzu, the founder of Taoism. Both LT and JC were wise. No matter your religious bent or not, both ideologies are sound…They were not radicals.

Unless of course, being nice to people is a radical idea.

Amen, and Amen…

And now, our Sunday Serenade...a poem from the late, great, Dad of Matt-Man. From 30 years ago, an illustration of the height of Christian hypocrisy…

Reflections On Northern Ireland

What Christians, we,
on Sunday morn,
who to Christ
lip service give.

In song, in prayer,
we hear His words,
and touch the Book
that holds His Rule.

With wine and bread
we are all fed;
we hail the Cross
to be the Grail.

But darkness comes,
and in His name,
each side is led.

And Christ again
is crucified,
beside the wounded
and the dead.

©1981 JJM

Cheers!!

Catch Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Who Can It Be Now?

A month or so ago I thought this was going to be a uneventful summer…

A summer being passed out on the couch from too much Bagwine.

But now…

My Presidential campaign is beginning to get in gear. I have some outside work now. And last night, things really took off.

When I got home around 9:15, I poured myself a glass of Wild Irish Rose, fired up a smoke, and sat at my computer.

I was bummed at first because none of you Bagwine heads had emailed me with naked pics of yourselves, but then...

There was a rap upon the apartment door.

I answered it. Lo and Behold it was the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Needless to say, I was surprised, because…well…It was Christ of all people…and he hadn’t stopped by the Bagwine digs since Good Friday.

I asked him why he knocked, and came in through the door rather than just appearing…He said that he wanted to surprise me.

What a nut. We just talked for a few…made fun of Pastor Rod Parsley, Benny Hinn, and Joyce Meyer over of few blasts of Rose.

Hay-Zoos is a funny son of a bitch. He was telling me about the time he first met Mary Magdalene.

She said to him, “Are those the Twelve Tribes of Israel ‘neath ye robe, or art thou just joyful to see me?”

He said that he found her smoking hot and very funny so they had steamy, Messianic sex that very night.

He told me the funny thing was, the next morning when they awoke in each other’s arms, he put her sarcasm right back into her face.

He told Mary, “Wow, that was good, but I wish I had had a crucifix nailed to me ‘cause for a minute I thought I was going to fall in.”

HA…J-Man and I laughed our asses off. I asked him if Mary got mad.

He said, “Of course not, I’m Jesus, Bitch.” Hahahaha…He High-Fived me; we laughed again.

And then the Son of a Bitch, through the tears rolling down his face said to me...

“And then, hahahahaha, Matt-Man, I said unto Mary, ha, it’s okay if you gave me syphilis last night…I’ll just heal myself. Hahahahahaha.”

Christ is a Goddamn Hoot, I tell ya.

Man, had I missed him. But all good things come to a end.

He said, “I gotta be going. I have to go appear in one of Michelle Malkin’s dreams. Stupid ho, will probably mistake me for Osama Bin Laden…again.”

Before he left, I asked him if I would still be going to Heaven when I die.

He said to me, “Of course you will…You’re Matt-Man, Bitch!!”

Hahahahaha, more laughs and another Holy High-Five. I love that dude.

Shortly after my holy home boy scooted, the phone rang. It was an old pal asking me if I wanted to go camping with him.

Who was it?

Well, since tomorrow is Half-Nekkid Thursday, I guess you will have to come back Friday to find out.

Cheers!!

Lord How We Miss Ya, Jerry...

Last Thursday marked the one year anniversary of the passing of Jerry Falwell.

I feel a duty to his memory to not let it go unscathed uncelebrated.

I asked God if I could do an interview with the Reverend Falwell, the Holy Honcho said that Jerry wasn’t exactly “nearby”.

Being the blessed old SOB that he his, however, G-Dawg gave me a phone number where I could reach Falwell.

Always the cut up, God said to me, prior to attending to a pre-scheduled, tectonic rattling of the Chinese landscape, “Matt-Man, consider this number a direct HOT-Line.”

So I called, and after a brief discussion on tax tips with Leona Helmsley who was running the switchboard, she put me through to Falwell…

Matt-Man: Reverend Falwell…Matt-Man here, how the hell are ya?

Falwell: Ahhhhh, Brother Matthew, I am basking in the light of the Lord…Amen.

Matt-Man: But aren’t you in Hell, Jerry?

Falwell: I cannot disclose that. But I will tell you that this place is hot, the meals consist of leper skin gruel, and the staff is currently redecorating a cell…er…I mean suite, for when Pastor Rod Parsley and Dick Cheney come to stay with us.

Matt-Man: Are you continuing to save souls in the afterlife there Jerry?

Falwell: Ohhh Brother Matthew…As soon as I arrived, I began to cure Hermann Goering of his homosexuality.

Matt-Man: How’s that workin’ out for ya?

Falwell: It was going fine, until last Tuesday, when Hermann allowed himself to be publicly sodomized by the Borgia family.

Matt-Man: Wow, that’s classic…did you take pictures?

Falwell: It was disturbing Brother Matthew, but kinda fun to watch a Nazi getting reamed by a group of greasy Spaniards. And who knew that Pope Alexander VI had such a huge schlong. I bet that left a mark. Ouch!!

Matt-Man: I have a few more ques….

Falwell: Oh I am sorry Brother Matthew, but it is time for my daily 4:15 burning at the stake…

Matt-Man: Sweet Baby Jeebus, that has to be painful, Jerr.

Falwell: It is, it is indeed. But it’s not as bad as when they extinguish the flames that engulf my body.

Matt-Man: Why is that?

Falwell: Attila the Hun, Henry VIII, and Joan Crawford drop trowel and piss on me until the fires recede. Brutal!!

Matt-Man: Well thanks for your time, Reverend.

Falwell: Anytime, Brother Matthew, and tell Joyce Meyer that I can’t wait to see her. I’m a huge fan.

And there you have it, my interview with the Jerr-Meister.

Have a lovely Monday, and as always…

Cheers!!

It's Conference Time; Where's My Box Lunch?

I have been skidding painfully upon a dry patch in my sex life.

Okay, more than dry…

I’m talking arid, dusty, un-moist…Drier than bed sheets wavin’ on a clothesline in a Death Valley breeze.

I don’t think Schmoop wants to have sex with me. It’s like I truly repulse her of late.

Why do I think this?

Maybe it’s the the way she avoids me. Maybe it’s the look in her eyes as she seems to look past me.

Perhaps, it’s the tone in her voice when she says, “I don’t want to have sex with you, and of late, you truly repulse me.”

Well, don’t get me wrong, I love the Schmoopster, but I’m Matt-Man, Bitches, and I need sex.

So, I have a plan…An itinerary full of the prospects of hot, tawdry, jungle sex.

I’m going on tour…more specifically, the Women’s Conference Tour.

I was looking through the internets yesterday and I was amazed at how many fun-filled conferences for women only are coming up.

For instance, June 20-22 I will be going to Austin, TX. I have booked a room at the Renaissance Hotel where the Texas Council of Women School Executives is taking place.

This is an opportunity to spend three exciting days and nights schooling some sexy female educators in the art of Matt-Man.

Bend over Superintendent Love Muffin, Biology class is in session and the subject tonight is:

The Talented Tongue…Opening Your Flood Gates, and Tossing Your Salad.

After that, I am off to San Francisco for the 2008 BlogHer Conference on July 18-20.

Seventy-Two hours on the bay with hundreds of hot, horny women bloggers in search of template tips, and orgasms to write about.

I’ll provide each and every one of them with a big, enduring post. Feel my hard drive and scroll down on my trouser mouse baby!!

These should be two very spooge extruding events, but come October 2-4, all Hell is gonna break loose.

I’ll be in St. Louis for the Joyce Meyer Ministries Annual Women’s Convention…26,000 divine babes in search of salvation.

Drink of my Bagwine and eat of my flesh, ye of the holy hole; I am here to deliver you from the bondage of bad sex.

Visions of God will abound when they feel the Matt-Siah moving deeply through their “souls”. Amen!!

So there you have it, my next few months will be a period of stiff, sticky, sexual redemption.

Here’s to the women of America, and their “female only” conferences.

I hope you join me tomorrow for a very special Mother’s Day edition of Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Oh yeah, it’s gonna be disturbing.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Faith is a Funny Thing

As you may know, Pope Benedict XVI has been here in the U.S. for the last couple of days.

Benny will even say Mass today at Yankee Stadium.

Can you imagine how many smelly, hung-over, micks and dagos will show up for Communion? Oy Vay!!

Of course, his visit cannot go without some type of controversy. Comedian Bill Maher has supplied that controversy.

This past week Maher, who is vehemently anti-all religions, referred to Blitzkrieg Benny as a Nazi who wears funny hats.

He also said that had Benedict been in charge of a chain of day care centers, instead of the Catholic Church, and covered up sex abuse, he would have been fired and jailed.

Oh the Humanity, Mr. Maher!! How dare thou!?

Outrage over these comments abound from the likes of Faux News and Crappie-Crunching whack jobs such as Catholic League President, William Donahue.

There have even been calls for a boycott of Maher’s TV show and for the network on which he appears, HBO.

My sage, spiritual words to those of you who are offended:

Get over yourselves, and suck it up, you whiny, thin-faithed bastards. Amen.

Be you Christian, Jewish, Muslim or one who worships the mochachina beauty of Tyra Banks’ breastesses, ignore the slings and arrows cast upon you.

I poke fun at Catholics, Jews, evangelicals such as Rod Parsley and Joyce Meyer, and will in the near future, take on Islam.

My religious rants hopefully have, and will continue to elicit a strong laugh from my readers; however…

If my satirical diatribes bring about an outrage in someone stronger than that of the intended humor...

Does that not mean that my words are more powerful than that person’s faith?

If one truly has faith, no matter what that faith may be;

No words, no jokes, no satire, should be able to shake that faith, or elicit the gnashing of teeth.

And that my friends, is my message for this Sunday.

Amen, and Amen.

And now for our Sunday Serenade…Since we have discussed the topic of jokes and the ensuing outrage, I offer you the following.

I am a big fan of the Bee Gees’ music up until they decided to adorn platform shoes and become the Belles of the Disco Ball.

Here is a tune that pre-dates those days.

I’ll be gone most of the day today, but I will catch up with all of you and your blogs tomorrow.

Cheers!!

If you get the chance, listen to Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.