Judas Strikes Pope Matt-Man I

Much like Jesus some 2,000 years ago on the Wednesday before Easter, I was betrayed with a kiss this morning. That’s right. While standing in line at the local BP station for a cup of coffee and the latest issue of “Barely Legal”, someone quickly accosted me with a kiss on the cheek. I turned to see who it was. Although this person was running away with his back to me, it looked incredibly like Benny Hinn.

Obviously, he was alerting evil Trinity Broadcasting Network assassins as to my identity. Paul and Jan Crouch, Rod Parsley, Joyce Meyer and others are aware of God’s plan to use me as the vessel with which to topple the for profit salvation stations and replace their dubious ministry with the Mattlic Church….a church that not only offers no cost salvation through the Almighty, but which also offers some new cool ceremonies n’shit.

For instance, Communionpalooza will be held at noon every day. This communion will be wine only, and a full glass not a sip…no bread, too many carbs. I will begin consecrating the wine at 11a.m. and distribute it to all until 3 p.m. This sacramental rite dictates that I match each of the partakers glass for glass with Wild Irish Rose. During the entire ceremony a midget dressed in only a chef’s hat will be blowing on a shofar…Don’t ask, it’s part of the mysticism.

Say goodbye to Baptism and hello Matt-tism. Males, upon reaching the age of 18 will lie down on a bed of straw, reciting the Lord’s Prayer while I shave their testicles. This promotes trust in me and invariably, the Lord. I suggest that you schedule your Matt-tism prior to the beginning of the Communionpalooza for safety’s sake.

As far as the ladies’ Matt-tism, all females upon reaching their 18th year will have their chastity protected and/or restored by a divine ritual called “Conjugation Elation”. Many skeptics will tell you that this does nothing but satisfy my carnal instincts, but those people are heretics and will be smited. Rest assured, I perform this ceremony purely out of love for you, my flock. (Ah Benny, you taught me well.)

There are more areas to cover but I spy a man outside of my window wearing an ear piece, a gaudy embroidered suit coat with a TBN pin in his lapel, and a pair of sunglasses. I wouldn’t think anything about it but it’s not even sunny here today. So for now, this is Pope Matt-Man I grabbing his staff and checking things out. Cheers!!