Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Judas Strikes Pope Matt-Man I

Much like Jesus some 2,000 years ago on the Wednesday before Easter, I was betrayed with a kiss this morning. That’s right. While standing in line at the local BP station for a cup of coffee and the latest issue of “Barely Legal”, someone quickly accosted me with a kiss on the cheek. I turned to see who it was. Although this person was running away with his back to me, it looked incredibly like Benny Hinn.

Obviously, he was alerting evil Trinity Broadcasting Network assassins as to my identity. Paul and Jan Crouch, Rod Parsley, Joyce Meyer and others are aware of God’s plan to use me as the vessel with which to topple the for profit salvation stations and replace their dubious ministry with the Mattlic Church….a church that not only offers no cost salvation through the Almighty, but which also offers some new cool ceremonies n’shit.

For instance, Communionpalooza will be held at noon every day. This communion will be wine only, and a full glass not a sip…no bread, too many carbs. I will begin consecrating the wine at 11a.m. and distribute it to all until 3 p.m. This sacramental rite dictates that I match each of the partakers glass for glass with Wild Irish Rose. During the entire ceremony a midget dressed in only a chef’s hat will be blowing on a shofar…Don’t ask, it’s part of the mysticism.

Say goodbye to Baptism and hello Matt-tism. Males, upon reaching the age of 18 will lie down on a bed of straw, reciting the Lord’s Prayer while I shave their testicles. This promotes trust in me and invariably, the Lord. I suggest that you schedule your Matt-tism prior to the beginning of the Communionpalooza for safety’s sake.

As far as the ladies’ Matt-tism, all females upon reaching their 18th year will have their chastity protected and/or restored by a divine ritual called “Conjugation Elation”. Many skeptics will tell you that this does nothing but satisfy my carnal instincts, but those people are heretics and will be smited. Rest assured, I perform this ceremony purely out of love for you, my flock. (Ah Benny, you taught me well.)

There are more areas to cover but I spy a man outside of my window wearing an ear piece, a gaudy embroidered suit coat with a TBN pin in his lapel, and a pair of sunglasses. I wouldn’t think anything about it but it’s not even sunny here today. So for now, this is Pope Matt-Man I grabbing his staff and checking things out.
Cheers!!

17 comments:

Cheesy said...

Man I'm glad you sptted the man outside of your window wearing an ear piece... it distracted you from seeing me hanging in the tree stalking you!
And babe? That was me at the BP... Did you like my diguise? I would have groped you too.. but I think that would have given me away.....

Cheesy said...

why oh why doesn't the comments section have spell check?? CRIPES

Schmoop said...

Cheesy: You're actually Benny Hinn!!!??

Mo and The Purries said...

cheesy: you need FireFox2 -- spell check in comments!

matty: "conjugation elation" is another bagwine classic!

Desert Songbird said...

Dearest Holy See: I need to be elated...RIGHT NOW. Might I schedule a private audience?

Schmoop said...

Mo: Thank ya sir. But perhaps it should have been either Kyrie Elation or Conjugation Elation.

Songbird: Meet me in the choir loft at 2:15.

Odat said...

The midget is what's getting me...roflmao...
Peace

Unknown said...

The shaving of the testicles reminds me of Austin Powers:

A Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles... LOL

I want to join your church. Anyone to shave the muff?

Schmoop said...

odat: Ha...My favorite part as well, Cheers!!

Allie: Well I do have bad teeth as well so I guess it's a perfect fit.

jillie said...

Ooohhh...so who's going to do the shaving? Do you REALLY want to have all of those testicles in your hand? LMAO....

I'll all for the Communionpalooza. Gawd I'm such a lush.

Natalia said...

Not sure how I feel about being Matt-tized :)

-N

Schmoop said...

Jillie: While I'll do a few special ones. Most shavings will be done by a stable of blind eunuchs.

Nat: The experience has been called supernatural. But also referred to as an experience akin to hearing fingernails run across a chalkboard.

Lizza said...

Chastity will be restored? What if the females don't want their chastity restored, only enhanced? Do we get to choose the enhancer? The enhancement will be done under your supervision, of course. :-D

Liz Hill said...

Does 'chastity restored' mean that once you touch a woman she's done with men for life?

Travis Cody said...

I will remain heathen, thank you! The boys will NOT be approached by any razor type implements!

And no...you cannot tempt me with CAKE.

Janna said...

So all these record album thingies you've been doing, they'll be in the new hymnal?

Schmoop said...

Lizza: If you do not want your chastity restored, you can tell me that AFTER the ritual. And no, there is only one Enhancer...Me.

TB: If I didnt find that so darn funny, I would take umbrage at that remark.

Trav: All of us past the age of 18 are grandfathered in. No shaving for us. So c'mon climb aboard the peace train.

Janna: But of course, and I beseech thee to write the arrangements.