It’s Stream of Consciousness Good Friiiiiiiiday, so let’s get drunk and nail a hooker. God was speaking to me again in my dreams last night. It was odd. I was being punished by the Romans, but they didn’t use a cross. They put me in a dunking tank and had the Jewish leadership fling matzo balls at the target so I would fall into the water. As I sat upon the bench, God kept saying to me “Bob it will be alright.” I said, “I am Matt.” He continued, “Don’t worry Bob.” “My name is Matt”, I proclaimed. On and on he kept calling me Bob. Finally, I said, “My God, My God, why have you mistaken me?”
Good Friday…That’s an awful name for today. I mean. I know why it is considered “good”, but I think if Jesus had been the one to name it, it would be something else. He’d call it “The Romans Beat the Hell out of Me and then Drove Spikes Into Me Day.” Perhaps he would have called it “Fuck You Judas Day.” I think it should be called “Wood Friday.” If the Romans had had the electric chair back then we could have called it “Good Fried-Day.” My wrist is killing me, maybe I am having sympathy pains. Damn it hurts.
Going to the grocery today to buy a ton o’ meat. I guess SPAM is the winner in the poll so I’ll pick some up. Fried SPAM with Velveeta, great googly moogly that is the best!! I have to get some bacon too. I picked up a ham last week. I am going to throw it in the crockpot with a can of French Onion soup. Yum-OH. With any luck, I won’t be hiding Easter eggs this weekend; I’ll be hiding some sausage. Boo Yah, baby!! I wish I had a nice set of boobs. That would be fun. I guess that’s why I call them fun bags. Oh yeah, the ladies dig that terminology. Coronary Thrombosis.
Moses was a dumbass. I mean how can you turn down a hot looking Anne Baxter circa 1956? Man she was smokin’. I was thinking about fasting today, but you know what drinking Wild Irish Rose on an empty stomach does to ya? It’s not pretty. Who’s that pretty girl in that mirror there? What mirror, where? Why do people still argue about whether the Jews or the Romans killed Christ? God was the one who sent him to die!! Matt-Man: Freaking Genius.
I think I’ll get my 12 year old something nice for Easter. I was thinking ten bucks and a carton of Marlboros. I love to smoke. For me, it’s just like sex because both activities involve self pleasure. Wouldn’t it be bizarre, if someone contracted an STD from masturbating? Lifetime Movie Network give me a call!! We could call the movie, “The Hand That Clapped” or perhaps “The Hand That Cradles the Rocks”. I don’t know, maybe not. Jelly Beans suck.
If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I dig Gordon Lightfoot. I have no idea what I did to my left wrist, damn. I might shave today. Tulips are pretty. I don’t like Easter Lilies. Could those British sailors and Marines have sucked up to their captors any more than they did? Wussies… I think I’m going to make a Pope hat later today.
Well folks it’s time for me to put on a suit and head on down to the Crucifixion. If I don’t return Monday, you’ll know that I am in a meat coma. But until then, enjoy your Easter and/or weekend, color an egg for me, and of course….CHEERS!!
Father, it is finished…
21 comments:
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Hell you are so right about Moses--I'd do Anne Baxter --she was on fire she was so hot.
I think Mo's suggestion of a Spam bacon sausage cheeseburger is spot on.
Be careful you don't mistakenly cook YOUR sausage after too much WIR
Have a great one Matty
Smooch
Ewwww spam. And I guess it better be Wood Friday if you are gonna nail a hooker.
-N
TB: Any and all meat will be upon the Easter table at the Bagwine abode. I bought a defribillator just in case.
Nat: SPAM is so underrated. It is like manna from heaven. Cheers!!
Good Friday my arse I have to work...the house of Cheese week in review..I want to point out, because of Passover, no Jewish writers were used in the preparation of todays stream. I only used free-range Christian writers. Earlier , the president of Iran announced that he’s going to free the British hostages as an early Easter gift. As an extra bonus, the Iranian president said he’s going to throw in a case of marshmallow Peeps. As you know, in college basketball, UCLA lost to Florida 76 to 66. This is the biggest disappointment for UCLA basketball since last year when they lost to Florida. Wrestlemania 23 — they are calling this one the "Battle of the Billionaires.” Because Donald Trump made a bet with Vince McMahon the owner of WWE . . . Whoever loses has to shave his head . . . It kinda makes sense cause I think Trump won his hair in some sort of wrestling match. Sunday was April Fool’s Day. So that means earlier, a confused President Bush went around the White House hiding colored eggs. Did you watch "American Idol”? Sanjaya is still on! How is this happening? No matter how horrible he does, he gets voted back. He’s like the George Bush of "American Idol". Did you hear that the NHL is considering banning fighting in ice hockey? That’s the only way to make ice hockey less popular than it is now. Hockey without fights is like NASCAR without mullets. Great day for Britain. Iran has released the hostages. The president of Iran said it was an Easter holiday gift. In the spirit of Easter, he’s going to hide the hostages all around Britain, and then Tony Blair gets to keep the ones he finds. The Vatican may canonize Pope John Paul II because since he’s passed away, people have been praying to him and he’s already been credited with three miracles. So far, the Pope’s biggest miracle has been keeping Sanjaya from being voted off "American Idol." Paul McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills says she’s not a gold digger. She’s very adamant: She’s not a gold digger. Only pirates dig for gold. It’s not like she’s got a parrot or an eye patch or . . .oh wait.....
Cheesy: As always, you leave me once again, stupified!! Cheers.
You would love Hawaii if you're a spam lover! They are SO into it. My ex hubby even had a spam cook book!! OMG...Me? Well...that stuff is just plain gross...kind of like those "Hamdingers" do you remember those? My mom would make those for us once in a while and I would just cover mine in ketchup...lol!
Have a great wknd and may your colon still appreciate you on Monday morniing...
;o)
Jillie: Your ex is obviously a man with a well heeled palate. I used to have a SPAM cookbook as well. Am I your ex? Have a great weekend yourself, you cheeky monkey, you. Cheers!!
"why have you mistaken me"...
priceless!!!!!!!
Enjoy your meat fest!!!!!
Peace
Thanks odat I will. Have a great weekend n'shit. Cheers!!
"Good Fried-Day!" LOVE IT!
I have to go back and read your previous posts to see if you had as good a time in DC as I did!
We had a pretty good time Tigger. I see that you did too. Have a wonderful Easter my friend. Cheers and welcome back.
Cheesy --OMG LOL
You've hit the nail on the head--George 'W' Bush is the "Sanjaya' of American Presidents
and the primal countdown begins...
Is it your plan to wake at 12:01 AM on Sunday and start frying the SPAM... or will you eat some meat and then fry your spam? or will you stand in the kitchen naked (Poking eyes out now with that vision) and fry your spam as you cook some meat...
What TB? OH spam is not slang for his sausage...
see now it all makes sense..
You're right about it not mattering who killed Christ. I always thought that, too. The whole point of Christianity is Jesus dying and coming back. Jesus, these people. Oops.
I really want a bacon cheeseburger after writing that yesterday. I wish I could trust a restaurant to not serve Hutton glutenous crap so we could go out to eat today! I love glutenous crap, myself.
I, too, dig Gordon, and think those Limey bastards were kissing some serious Iranian ass.
Enjoy your carnivorous Easter!
Hah! You are way too funny, Matt. Just two more days to go and you can finally say "It is finished," before you dig your chompers into some tender, juicy meat.
Cheers!
Matt-Man -
I am longing for your company.....I miss our times together. Please stroke my monkey.....it shuders anticipating your return.
I don't know about drinking WIR on an *empty* stomach, but I sure as hell know what it does to a stomach full of CHEETOS, and that is NOT PRETTY at ALL.
(shudder)
I am so excited for you, regaining your carnivorous instincts this weekend! Dive into whatever looks good! I voted for a cheeseburger, but heck, if spam rocks your boat, eat that instead. Bon appetit! :)
spam my arse we spit roast a whole lamb, family of six. we usually end up with all our stay friends dropping in. we start with a bit of sausage and tsipour(moonshine 2u) at 8am then progress to offal wrapped in intestines as the morning progresses,finishing with the lamb at about 5pm.non stop food n' booze aarrgh!!
we aren't expecting many visitors this year so I only bought 2 cases of beer and half a dozen bottles of wine.you can see our last year's lamb on my blog but I warn you Friday's post is probably more to your taste.HAPPY EASTER!
oops! stray not stay friends freudian slip there.
Happy Easter, my friend! Don´t forget to walk softly and carry a big carrot!
xoxoxo,
Ste Sanni-Bunny of the Bratwurst
Gourmet jelly beans in flavors like Bloody Mary are excellent.
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