Preventing Matt-Phistopheles

I am a sinner. Yes, I know that may shock some of you.

But I am. We are all sinners.

But, I ask, why do we sin and or stray from the straight and narrow?

Maybe because some folks have no belief at all in Hell and the consequences of their transgressions.

Others?

Well, perhaps those who do believe in eternal damnation, still cannot fully comprehend an eternity spent adrift upon some ambiguous sea of fire.

Perhaps, if we defined the consequences of Hell in more tangible terms, people would be much less apt to sin.

For instance, I would be a much better person if I knew that if I sinned, my eternal consequences might result in any of the following:

*Engaging in a ménage a trois with Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

All the while, a naked Bill O’Reilly stands in the corner singing “Born Free” into an amplified falafel.

*Spending eternity sitting in the front row at an Air Supply concert.

*Having an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose presented to me, and my mouth has been sewn shut.

*Convexly, being force-fed an endless supply of bacon, mac ‘n’ cheese, and Wild Irish Rose, and my asshole has been sewn shut.

Every 48 hours I would spontaneously combust into a cloudburst of reddish-brown goo of Bagwine and fecal matter. Oy Vay!!

*Being strapped into a dentist’s chair and the dental assistant comes in and says, “Matt-Man, Dr. Stalin will be in shortly to perform your root canal.”

*I spend my time in bed with a half dozen nearly naked chicks with hot bodies. The problem?

They are in clown make-up. Their nipple pasties squirt vinegar.

And, when I get near their hoo-ha’s, I get hit in the face with a pie…

Literally, not metaphorically. Creepy.

So there you have it. These are some of the things that would straighten my ass out.

If I keep these consequences in mind, I will end up being just like Ferris Bueller, “A Righteous Dude.”

What would keep your base instincts in check?

Cheers!!