Monday, April 07, 2008

When Matt-Man Was in Egypt Land...

Just a brief post on this beautiful, half-way warm Monday.

I am going to spend time today fixing and updating my Links That Make Me Drink, finally catch up on everyone’s blog, and…

Get to work on producing a Blog-Fo-Mercial ™ for a special someone.

Later, I will have to go to my new P/T job that I took in order to supplement my seemingly pro bono writing career, and anemic Bagwine Apparel sales.

Oh, and if you read yesterday’s post, you know that I have to send a scathing e-mail to Conan O’Brien.

Why do I share with you my daily schedule? I share, because I care.

I can impart to you a few things that I dreamed of last night.

I fell asleep watching a couple of specials on Ancient Egypt on the Discovery Channel. Doing that, greatly influenced my dreams.

I dreamed that I lived in Ancient Egypt and was a Pharaoh. My name was Akhenmattman I, and I rocked…

I led armies against the Akkadian Empire, put the Hebrews into bondage, and surrounded myself with a palace full of Nubian nookie.

Sometimes I had those busty harlots put me into bondage. But man did the place ever smell. Whewwww!!

In addition to my military, social, and 120 hour work week innovations I also did something else. I invented stand-up comedy.

More accurately, BAD Stand-Up Comedy.

I had the Nile Valley denizens rollin’ in their hovels. It helped to keep their indentured minds off just how miserable their lives were.

Here’s a couple of samples:

Knock Knock. Who’s There?…Hiero. Hiero, Who?…Hieroglyphics-Gram. Hahahaha.

Wow, who cut the goat cheese? ‘Cause it really Sphinx in here. Hahahaha.

How many slaves does it take to change a light bulb? None, because electricity hasn’t been invented yet. Hahahahaha.

Yep, not that funny to us, but the Hebrew slaves ate it up. I even had at least a dozen Jews begging me to let them be my agent.

Anyhoo, one thing about my dream is the giant obelisk built in my honor and likeness. It was unlike any obelisk you have ever seen.

I drew a picture of it for you…



Ahhhh. Such a fine tribute denoting my uber-masculinity, virility, and the fact that I am a major dickhead.

Enjoy your Monday, and I’ll see ya soon.

Cheers!!

69 comments:

Dana said...

Why did I see this lovely drawing as the Space Shuttle taking off?? I was looking for the NASA reference!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Try as you will to fight off your arousal with a joke. I know that drawing made you hot. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Hmm what pray tell is your part time employ? Do you get fries with that?

Leighann said...

After seeing that drawing I've never been (more) attracted to you as I am right now!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: No, no fries with that Lu. I did enough of that during my High School years. I'm selling Meth. Cheers!!

Leighann: And I didn't think that was possible. Be still my heart. Cheers!!

Sparky Duck said...

I might use that Sphinx one at work. If I want people to look at me funnier than they usually do.

Matt-Man said...

Sparky: Have at it. Just don't tell Conan O'Brien. Cheers!!

Roger said...

Pro bono don pay noning!

Matt-Man said...

Roger: I think I agree with you. Cheers!!

Odat said...

I'm glad you care, I'm glad you share....
Those jokes are cracking me up ahahahaha...you nut job or shall I call you Obelisk-Man? ;-)
Peace

Matt-Man said...

Odat: I am Obelisk-Man...I like that, thanks. Cheers Odat!!

leelee said...

LOLOLOLOL..

It sphinx in here...lolololol

Wow..speaking of viagra commericials...that drawing...wow Is it friday yet? ;-)

HUGS!!

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: Ha. I have as much staying power as the Great Pyramids as well. ; ) Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

Hahahah I watched those shows too... What? You didn't dream of burying your big boat? :o)

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: No, but I did dream about being spanked by Nefretiri as I called her, "Mummy". Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Laugh out loud!! Perfect.

the teach said...

Pa dum dum! Those jokes were very good!

Jay said...

I've seen something similar to that obelisk being sold in a number of different stores. They usually sell videos of some sort too. And they have little rooms that people can go in and watch other videos.

Anyway, you might check them out and make sure you aren't owed some royalties from the sales of those obelisks too!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. Thanks. Cheers!!

Teach: Thanks Mary. Have a good Monday. Cheers!!

Jay: Interesting. I never knew of such a thing. Thanks for lookin' out for me. Cheers!!

Winter said...

Woah. I fell asleep to the same show. Really. The paid commercials woke me at 3 am. I dreamed hot half naked men were giving my aching back a massage while hot half naked women fanned me with palm fronds. I wonder why I didn't see the dickhead obelisk? The Sphinx joke is actually almost funny in an I-can't-believe-he-said-that kinda way. Good luck at the new job and happy Monday!

Desert Songbird said...

Job? Did you say JOB?!

the teach said...

Matt, go over to Alice at Born2Cree8 for a post that'll make you laugh!

Leighann said...

What do I have to do to get you to do a drawing of me? ;)

Jeff B said...

And then Akkenmattman went to Joesph and asked him to interpret his dream.

"I saw an angel appear from a spigot. Who could this be?"

And Joesph told the king, "Why that's Pharaoh Faucet of course."

Desert Songbird said...

Jeff, your mind works too much like Matty's. Stop it!

Matt-Man said...

Winter: Well, you had a busy dream life. I hope you enjoyed it. Cheers Winter!!

Songbird: Yes. Cheers!!

Teach: I'll do that today. Cheers!!

Leighann: Send me a picture of you nekkid and I'll get rigth to work on it. I'll draw a picture too. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. You are so damn punny, Jeff. Cheers!!

Songbird: But he makes so much sense. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...and the hits just keep on comin'!!!!!!! "...Goat cheese....sphinx.....HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. It was much funnier when I thought of it at 5:45 this morning when I was only half awake. Cheers!!

Mo said...

Oh, Matty, I think you are in de-Nile.....

Matt-Man said...

Mo: I sense some Obelisk-Envy in your remark. Cheers!!

ladyjaye82 said...

"Wow, who cut the goat cheese? ‘Cause it really Sphinx in here. Hahahaha."

I totally snorted when I read that. Thank you for brightening my monday!

katherine. said...

....let my people go.

enjoy the new gig.

Matt-Man said...

Ladyjaye: Ha. It's good to know that we all still have a bit of 12 year old kid sense of humor in us. Cheers Lady!!

Kat: I am kinda diggin' the new gig after my first 2 days. Good hours and still plenty of time to write. Cheers!!

VE said...

What does Job have to do with the Egyptians?

I can see tourists now...flocking to your obelisk to rub on it...

Matt-Man said...

VE: Job, while not under my rule, did suffer the same hardships that I placed upon my subjects.

I love it when folks rub my Obelisk and my big stones. Cheers!!

Bond said...

I sphinx that you are allowing the ingestion of bagwine take over that side of your brain that is not already saturated.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I don't think there isn't any part of my brain that isn't already Bagwine saturated. Cheers Vinny!!

Tug said...

I can't decide if I want to pretend to be Hebrew or Nubian...

Half warm? It's snowing here. ;-(

Matt-Man said...

Tug: Snowing? Sorry to hear that. It's 62 here right now.

I don't want yo uto be Nubian or Hebrew just be you, and we can play "Tugboat" together.

I don't know exactly what that entails but it will be HOT!! Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Did ya live in a Condo made of Stona? Nice Obelisk too... is that one of those custom glass ones :P

Now I have Steve Martin stuck in my brain. Thanks :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Sorry about the SM earworm. And my obelisk? It's not glass. It's pure, hard, Egyptian rock. Cheers Starr!!

Tug said...

Tugboat in the red hot LoveBug? ;-)

Jahooni said...

It concerns me that your balls are so far apart...

Matt-Man said...

Tug: Mmmmmmmm. Poifect. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Jahooni: Why? Do you have a small mouth. ; )~ Cheers!!

Doc said...

Oh My, That oblisk is obscene !!

Hilarious!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: I thought it was kinda cute. Cheers Doc!!

Jahooni said...

ur funny. ;)~

Matt-Man said...

Jahooni: Ha. I kinda chuckled when I typed that. Cheers!!

DirkStar said...

Well, at least they got the head right...

Sorry, dude, but you slow pitched it to me.

He-he...

Matt-Man said...

Dork: Well, if you get a fast ball down the middle of the plate you have to swing. Cheers!!

Kimmie said...

Thanks for the giggles! You never cease to amaze me with your umm....humor! ;-)
Hugs,
Kimmie

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

So you are actually admitting that you are a prick? A dick? Or are you just one in your dreams? Bwahahahaha. Have a great day Matt-man. :)

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: Thanks Kimmie. I'll try to keep it up...er...so to speak. Cheers!!

Sandee: I am a sweet, sweet man. Cheers!!

Ginormous Boobs said...

You, sir, are my favorite dickhead in all of Ohio.

The Offended Blogger said...

I highly recommend that you see a priest immediately.

Or a therapist.

Or a hooker.

Whatever works for you. :)

I Smile 2 Much said...

Looks like you also invented PURE ART form, as well. Gotta say I LUV the picture u drew up (lol) ; )



you seriously crack me up though ; )

Matt-Man said...

GB: You my dear, are too kind. Cheers!!

Offended: I'll do all three but in reverse order. Cheers!!

Smile: It is the most artistic 2 minutes I have ever spent. Cheers!!

Travis said...

Do you have to wear a name tag at this part time gig?

Matt-Man said...

Travis: Nooooooo. But maybe I will just to be friendly. Cheers!!

jillie said...

Am I laughing because I've had a couple of glasses of wine or am I laughing because you always just crack me up! I thinks it's a matt combo!

TheBirdman33 said...

That is the best drawing I've ever seen....I am also really turned on. Is that wrong?

Turnbaby said...

Best. SelfPortrait. EVAH!

Matt-Man said...

Jillie: Matt and Wine go hand in hand Jillie. Cheers!!

Birdman: Not at all, there are many pre-schoolers who are turned by my drawing skills. Cheers!!

TB: Thnk You. I like to go the extra mile where art is concerned. Cheers!!

The Absurdist said...

Shit. Now I want to be the main concubine.

Matt-Man said...

Abs: Trust Me...You're better off not. Cheers!!

Sassy Mama Bear said...

Somewhere in the desert your obelisk stands proud with only a little droop with the balls buried in the hot sand.

Matt-Man said...

Sassy: I'd rather that they be buried deep into something else. Cheers Sassy!!