When Matt-Man Was in Egypt Land...

Just a brief post on this beautiful, half-way warm Monday.

I am going to spend time today fixing and updating my Links That Make Me Drink, finally catch up on everyone’s blog, and…

Get to work on producing a Blog-Fo-Mercial ™ for a special someone.

Later, I will have to go to my new P/T job that I took in order to supplement my seemingly pro bono writing career, and anemic Bagwine Apparel sales.

Oh, and if you read yesterday’s post, you know that I have to send a scathing e-mail to Conan O’Brien.

Why do I share with you my daily schedule? I share, because I care.

I can impart to you a few things that I dreamed of last night.

I fell asleep watching a couple of specials on Ancient Egypt on the Discovery Channel. Doing that, greatly influenced my dreams.

I dreamed that I lived in Ancient Egypt and was a Pharaoh. My name was Akhenmattman I, and I rocked…

I led armies against the Akkadian Empire, put the Hebrews into bondage, and surrounded myself with a palace full of Nubian nookie.

Sometimes I had those busty harlots put me into bondage. But man did the place ever smell. Whewwww!!

In addition to my military, social, and 120 hour work week innovations I also did something else. I invented stand-up comedy.

More accurately, BAD Stand-Up Comedy.

I had the Nile Valley denizens rollin’ in their hovels. It helped to keep their indentured minds off just how miserable their lives were.

Here’s a couple of samples:

Knock Knock. Who’s There?…Hiero. Hiero, Who?…Hieroglyphics-Gram. Hahahaha.

Wow, who cut the goat cheese? ‘Cause it really Sphinx in here. Hahahaha.

How many slaves does it take to change a light bulb? None, because electricity hasn’t been invented yet. Hahahahaha.

Yep, not that funny to us, but the Hebrew slaves ate it up. I even had at least a dozen Jews begging me to let them be my agent.

Anyhoo, one thing about my dream is the giant obelisk built in my honor and likeness. It was unlike any obelisk you have ever seen.

I drew a picture of it for you…

Ahhhh. Such a fine tribute denoting my uber-masculinity, virility, and the fact that I am a major dickhead.

Enjoy your Monday, and I’ll see ya soon.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Charlton Heston Is Restin'

It’s a beautiful Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

Praise Jeebus and pry Charlton Heston’s gun from his cold, dead hands because Moses has left the building.

Heston was 84, he leaves behind a wife, two children, three grandchildren, and six damn, dirty apes.

We pray that the gun wielding, chariot driving, actor makes a speedy journey to that great soundstage in the sky in time to have dinner with Cornelius and Zira.

Funny thing about Heston…His life has somewhat mirrored that of fellow actor Ronald Regan.

They were both actors. They were Democrats who later became Republicans, and they both developed Alzheimer’s Disease.

What can we glean from this? Becoming a Republican makes one lose his or her memory.

If you need further proof, just take a look at former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, and his comments to Congress.

Anyway, here’s to Chuck…Gun Rights Activist, Oscar winner, denture wearer.

Amen, and Amen.

And now, something that stuck in my crawl this week. Thursday night Conan O’Brien ran a video parody of Dubya and I believe the President of Romania.

The video showed Bush and the other guy at a press conference, both wearing headphones for translation purposes.

The foreign guy’s voice over said, “President Bush told me it would be neato if we joined NATO”…And then…

“He asked for headphones so he could listen to The Wiggles.” The song Fruit Salad began playing. O’Brien’s audience laughed.

Now consider this Bagwine passage from August 21, 2006...

“When I walked into the living room at 7AM, I was greeted by the sight of our President, still clad in lederhosen, watching “The Wiggles”, and singing along with them as they performed “Fruit Salad, Yummy, Yummy.”

I simply turned away and went to the kitchen to make coffee.”

For the entire post click HERE.

Coincidence? I think not. Mr. O’Brien will be receiving a very nasty email from me tomorrow.

I enjoy sharing the Bagwine, but Conan’s type of drinking of it demands compensation. Oy Vay!!

With that said, I must apologize for not making my daily visits to you all. My schedule has been turned upside down and today is no exception.

I will be gone most of this sunny day and will not return until this evening. I hope to catch up with all of you on Monday.

And now, our Sunday Serenade…Here’s to the impending doom and wrath I shall be imparting upon Mr. Conan O’Brien. Enjoy.



Cheers!!

If you can, make sure to listen to Turnbaby’s Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Two COWs and One-on-One

Ladies and Gentlemen, today is a special day for Bagwine Ruminations.

We are awarding not one, but two C.O.W.s this week.

Oh, and by the way, Ryno wants to play one on one basketball again with the Old Man this morning.

For the record, since the little 13 year old future NBA’er and I have kept records of our games, this Old Man is up 3 games to 0.

While it’s good for him that he is 30 years younger, it’s better for me that I am 7 inches taller!!

So, since it is finally going to be a nice day in Bagwine, Ohio and I am off to see Ryno this morning, let’s get right to it.

First, a special COW goes to someone who has been a regular Bagwine drinker for quite awhile.

She is always there when I need a song suggestion, a review for my sidebar, and always makes me laugh with her comments.

Her name is Starrlight and she hails from the Great Northwest of the U.S. She is smart, funny, and I believe, of Greek ancestry, or as President Bush would say…

“I think that dogie bitch is Grecian.”

On Wednesday’s post, I launched Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™ dating service. I didn’t come right out and say to send your application…But she did.

I will post her application later due to length constraints, but I wanted to thank her today.

I hope you do the same and go over to the lovely Starrlight’s site by clicking HERE, and congratulate her for the COW, and being a buddy.

Thanks for everything Starr!!

And now for our weekly Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…

This week’s comment comes courtesy of our Tuesday post and the creation of April Foot’s Day.

This funny man, through his comment, shows his innate ability to call me an auto-erotic pervert and a sensitive guy at the same time.

He’s Jay the Cynical Bastard and here is his comment…

“I guess you got tired of writing to your penis so you decided to write to your feet? Seriously, I thought it was touching.”

Here’s to the Jay-Man for ropin’ this week’s COW. If you’d like to give kudos to Jay please click HERE.

I hope you and Starrlight hang your COWs proudly.

I am off to go see the Little Man for a few and throw my hip out.

I hope to see you at my Church Disservice tomorrow and watch me expose Conan O’Brien for stealing one of my comedic gems.

Until then,

Cheers!!

Update: We only go to play one game because Ryno went shopping with his grandma for new Track and Field Shoes. For him, not Grandma.

Final Score: Old Matt-Man 13 Ryno 8

Matt-Man moves to 4-0...And no injuries from old age!!