There are only a mere five months until the Presidential election.
It appears my two most noteworthy opponents will be Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain.
As I am a sensitive soul, my campaign will be above board, stay focused on the issues, and of course, be full of rude, personal attacks.
Take John McCain for instance, he’s old.
He’s pushing 72 and I am a mere 43 years old.
Should our nation engage in talks with the Iranians that could forever bring peace to the world, and these talks go past 9 P.M. at night, I would still be at the table…and McCain?
Johnny Mac would be in bed, fast asleep, happily dreaming of his breakfast of Cream of Wheat and prune juice.
Consider this scenario…
Kim Jong Il will no longer act like the crazy despot that he is, if he can videotape the President of the U.S. having sex with a half dozen Korean prostitutes.
I am typically a breast kinda guy, and therefore not a big fan of Asian chicks, however...
I would happily get Oral-ental with six Korean kuties, if it would make the world a better place.
Consider me, Matt-Man: The Prick of Peace.
Could Old Man McCain do that? Of course not, for two reasons. One, he can’t raise his right arm, let alone his middle leg.
And number two…He’s gay. It's true...'cause I believe it.
Step aside Grandpa Tinkerbell, Matt-Man is runnin’ the show.
And what about Obama? Hello…Black Man.
A black guy has as much chance getting elected as a wheel-chair bound husband of a lesbian does. Okay, bad example…um
As much chance of getting elected as a second rate actor does…er…I’ll get back to you on that one.
Obama, is also a Muslim. Oh sure, say that he isn’t really and it’s a lie created by right wing bloggers, but as I like to say, “If you believe it, it’s not a lie.”
Oh yeah, for the next five months I am going to beat these two like rented mules.
And now a message for our vacationing buddy, Dana…
I did you a favor and broke into your checked on your house…I will wash your bras and underwear when I get done wearing them. Also, you might want to pick up some Vodka on your way home.
Cheers!!
85 comments:
I will wash your bras and underwear when I get done wearing them.
I hope you looked Pretty AND HAWT in them! ;-)
I just knew you had a feminine side! LOL! Thanks for the laugh!
Hugs,
Kimmie
I love "Pricks for Peace" . And I think I need one.
Peace
Glad that you made it back on the election trail. Macky won't be a problem, the Obama-nation is what you need to focus all your thinking on.[I meant drinking]
I'll assume it won't be a soapbox you'll be standing on.
You got my vote Matt your no politician and thats why. If you were a politician you would be blasting your opponents worst than that. Good politicians are all dead.
Kimmie: Actually, it was bit disturbing. Cheers!!
Odat: Well, then stop by, and we'll do some "canvassing" together. Cheers!!
Micky: I am working on a new ad as we speak. Instead of a soapbox, I think I'll stand upon a pyramid of hot cheerleaders when speaking. Cheers Mick!!
Roger: And I owe it all to your campaign work. Cheers my good man!!
Vote For Matt-Man
Truth is his word
He'll screw Korean hookers
and give Kim Jong the bird
He'll never snooze
as long as there's booze
He'll make you a fan
and cook you fried spam
He'll work hard for peace
they'll be bagwine for all
so remember vote Matt-Man
at the polls this fall.
Bond: Ha. That's not bad...I may have to use that at some point. Cheers Vin!!
I vote for you at least twice every time I have sex.
Shhhh!
Leighann: You are too kind. You always make my pole numbers go straight up. Cheers!!
...who are you concidering for your running "mate"?....perhaps Loni Anderson?
It is yours to use....
Well Yeah!!! Thats what I was actually thinking, I just didn't want to burst your bra and undie wearin' bubble! ;-) Ha!
You've got my vote Matt-Man! Have a fantastic day.
Phfrankie: No...Sure, she's has big breastesses, but other than that, eh? I'll have to think long and HARD on that question. Cheers!!
Bond: Thanks, I'll put some music to it. Cheers Vinny!!
Kimmie: My ego won't allow that to happen. Cheers!!
Snig: Hiya!! Thanks and have a fab-o day yourself, Snig. Cheers!!
Looks like Vinny is back in rare form with his slogans.
How about "The dick of democracy"? Of course spelled with a little "d" for more than one reason.
Jeff: Yeah that's a good one Jeffy. You are obviously a McCain supporter. Oh the humanity!! Cheers!!
...I would pick J-Lo for my "mate" because...well...isn't it obvious?
Matt-Man, Great idea! Infact, maybe the Bagwine Waffle House can be the new White House?
Phfrankie: I understand why you think that. However, other than the exemption I give to Tyra Banks, I need a little substance to along with the booty. Cheers!!
Mt. Cat: Y'know, oddly enough, and you'd think we would, but we don't have a Waffle House in Bagwine. The closest one is about 15 miles away. Cheers Cat!!
Can't raise his arm let alone his middle leg... I love how you cut to the heart of things. It goes against our American traditions to have a president who can't cheat on his wife.
I was starting to wonder if the bread crumbs on the campaign trail had dried up! Glad Hansel & Gretel didn't eat all of the Fig Newtons!
I will wash your bras and underwear when I get done wearing them.
But you know there's nothing I enjoy more than the musty smell of Matt-parts on my lingerie!
Winter: Ha. Good one. And by golly, you are soooo right. Cheers!!
Dana: I just didn't want to peak too soon. I do that enough in bed. And yes, I can be quite musty. Hope you're havin' a good time. Cheers Dana!!
"If you believe it, it's not a lie."
Does this mean that I really am princess of the universe?? SWEET!
You had me at 'Prick for Peace' - I can hardly wait for November! I shall vote early and often.
Lady Jaye: See? My theory is the best theory, Princess. Cheers LJ!!
Dianne: I was hoping that in addition to voting for me, you would play an integral part of my campaign. ; ) Cheers Di!!
johnnie mac? hahahaha
its a long time til November....sigh
Kat: Sounds like something they serve in elementary school cafeterias, doesn't it? And yes, it is a loooong time. Cheers Kat!!
The only issues that really matters to me are the legalization of marijuana and prostitution, the federal government's support for the expansion of casino gambling and of course the government's promise to allow strip clubs to operate without any meddling by the cops.
If you can promise to support those simple, wholesome and family-friendly policies then I will definitely consider the possibility of voting for you. Your in my top four choices already. ;-)
Offensive to everyone. That's my kind of candidate.
You crushed me with not a big fan of Asian chicks.
Sigh...
Jay: So let it be written; so let it be done. Did that move me up on your list any? Cheers!!
Jamie: Work Smart, Not Hard. It's much easier to offend everybody, than to please one person. Cheers Jamie!!
Songbird: Sorry 'bout that, but if it's any consolation, I do have a thing for Dutch babes. Cheers Dear!!
If you believe it, it's not a lie... I just dropped some weight and stopped looking my mother's age. Cool!
Phfrankie posed a great question. I imagine the first Woman Vice President that will reside in two mansions - The Playboy mansion and the White House. I see a lot of slacker men gaining an interest in politics.
You are by far the best candidate that we've got. Where do I sign up for your campaign?
Jennifer
Winter's comment put a wicked grin on my face!
I just wanted to point out that matt-man's stated reason for not being a big fan of asian chicks doesn't seem to apply to Songbird....
laughing...
Jen: See how well that works? And you look great because of it.
As far as signing up, consider it done. You can run my Alabama operations. Cheers Jen.
Kat: Holy Moly. When speaking about Asian women's breastesses, Songbird, is is not the sterotypical example. And I am all the happier for it. Cheers!!
Katherine, why? Because I'm only have Asian or because we all know what huge casabas I have. *grin*
obviously you got the good half...and we all know that size does matt-er
(just a little envious....smile)
Songbird: Only half Asian? Is one boob bigger than the other? Cheers!!
Kat: Envious? I have seen a picture of you wearing a leather jacket...Purrrrrrrr. Chers Kat!!
BURN!!!
Nice one on McCain there with the arm leg analogy. Adding to my distaste for him is the fact that in his younger years (long ago in a galaxy far away...) he looks like my first ex husband.
And in a set of eerie coinkidinks, HE wore womens underware too! Seriously, ask me about that one some time :P
Yes, one is slightly bigger than the other. One is a DD; the other is larger than a D, but smaller than a DD.
*grin*
Do I qualify?
Oh, and would that I looked as HAWT as Katherine in leather. Sigh.
Starr: I enjoy wearing women's underwear. It's as close to paradise that I ever get.
And thanks, on the McCain thing, I plan on being incredibly politically incorrect about him. Cheers!!
Songbird: You have always been more than qualified, and you know that. As far as your boobs...When you come to Ohio, I want proof. ; ) Cheers!!
Dang, I'll be heading to Belize on Saturday, could you watch my house too?
VE: Silly man...I've been watching your house for two weeks. Seriously, you need to quit picking your nose so much. Cheers!!
I love it when people piss all over political correctness. It's turned us into a country of pusses.
Starr: As do I, and I promise not to let you down. Cheers Starr!!
Why oh why do I give you some of my best stuff?
My name is Matt-Man
and this ain't just a fad
I wanna be your President
me and my hanging chad
I know I can beat
that one-armed man
And I ain't like Obama
I just have a tan
I'll promise the world
this much I will say
elect me your president
and no I'm not gay
I will sack any babe
well just let me say
the one I will not touch
is that skank rachel ray
McCain is a pussy
and Obama ain't white
I wanna live in the white house
and will put up a fight
Sure i hate asian chicks
they remind me of young boys
but I'll surely bed Songbird
If she'll let me use toys
So on November eighth
when you pull on that lever
make sure it's for Matt-Man
and I'll love you forever
Bond: Why? Because no one else will use it. ; )~ Thanks Vinny, I'll play around with this. You nut. Cheers!!
Any revisions must be approved by the Committee to Elect A Freakin' Lunatic
Bond: Ha. Duly noted. Cheers!!
I think now we need to submit the word "Oral-ental" to Merriam-Webster.
Oh, and if you need any specially-made campaign posters, I'm willing to be your graphics whore.
I'm with Janna on "oral-ental"
and I think we should also submit "ego-testicle"
Janna: I'll keep that under consideration, and thanks...Schmoop and you are the only ones who made a comment about Oral-ental. That cracked me up, of course, I have the mind of a 12 year old. Cheers!!
Kat: Ha...Good One. I do have very large balls. I mean, if ya wanted to know. Cheers Kat!!
yeah...I've been waiting a long time to see what kind of balls you have.
(insert appropriate "blue humor" here)
Kat: I just laughed out loud...Ha, I'm still laughing. I don't know what else to say. Evidently, your response to testicle humor makes me laugh. Cheers!!
You got my vote!
Mat-Man for Prez!
You got my vote and you should really make Bond your campaign pitch man...he has mad skills!
HUGS!!
Vinny has made me famous through verse. I feel so honored.
And used.
And which do you like better Songbird, the Honored or the Used?
Why choose, Vincente?
That's my gal!
Apple: Why thank ya!! Thanks for stopping as well. CHeers!!
Leelee: Thanks and as far as Vinny, let's give that a little more thought. Cheers!!
Songbird: It's hell being used up at that early an age isn't it? Oh, you said used. Cheers!!
Bond: I gotch yer gal right c'here. Cheers!!
Any revisions must be approved by the Committee to Elect A Freakin' Lunatic
Buy all means, LETS DO IT !!!
LMAO
You know, since the beginning I have put my heart and soul into your campaign and you continue to treat me as Cheney has treated Bush for the last 8 years...like a red-headed step-child kept locked in the attic
I could take you down and make your campaign as meaningful as a 30-minute meal by offering my services to one of the other candidates.
I wanna be on the Vetting Committee for finding other designated pricks for peace. I could get into that :P
Micky: Don't encourage him. Okay, go ahead, but just be careful. Cheers!!
Bond: Oh I am so sorry, Vin. Here, let me pour you a big glass of E-V-O-O. Cheers!!
Starr: So be it. Anything for you. Cheers!!
We'll have to send Molson's great great grand nephew to ensure appropriate international relations I expect.
Anndi: Sweeeet. Ask him to bring a few cases with him. Cheers Anndi!!
Hmmmmm… So, Mr. Candidate, if you believe something, then it is true? That sounds remarkably like our present president.
Dana contacted me from San Antonio: you may mail her personal items to me after you have washed the Man-smell from them. I already have the vodka.
Mickey, I am well aware of his manly desire for me....
bwahahahahahahahaaaaa
Bond: We've all noticed!!! It must be the Italian New Yorker Thing!
You know those Micks?
I find you are entirely too easy on McCain and real wimpy about Obama. I can tell where your inclinations lie!
Nick: Ha. Very good...On both counts. Cheers Nick!!
Bond: It's more of a morbid curiosity. Cheers!!
Micky: Micks Rock!! Cheers!!
Teach: I am building up. I don't want to peak before erection day. Cheers!!
That's OK, I didn't want you in my underwear any way, HA! I may want to rephrase that slightly :)
A vote for Matt-Man is a vote for the oral office.
Lu: I couldn't find the key to your house so you're safe. Cheers my friend!!
But older people really need less sleep. I read that somewhere, so it might be true.
Also, if Obama's muslim then that precher guy who baptised his kids is muslim too? I didn't know they did the baptism thing. Funny how often the phrase "baptised his children" has been mentioned in the news... Do most people develop an emotional attachment to the priest/preacher who baptises their kids? Jasmine and I were baptised at the same time. He was a nice guy and seemed remarkably liberal for a Catholic priest but I wouldn't be heartbroken if he dissed me on the national news. Actually, I'd just be surprised.
I'm trying to make up for not commenting in a long time by making a long comment. Does that work?
Marilyn: Ha. You always crack me up, and no...You never need to make up for anything, ya nut. Cheers!!
I almost didn't comment because you are too popular and that intimidates me, but this post made me snort.
I'd vote for ya.
Cool, I thought the statue of two dogs doin' it missionary style in the patio, where I hid the key, was a dead give away :)
Deb: Don't you ever feel that way, silly girl. Thanks for the vote and the comment. Cheers!!
Lu: Ha. Good One!! Cheers Lu!!
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