Happy Friday and Color Me Happy!!

It’s Friiiiiiiday, Chuckleheads and I have a slight hangover, but pressing on, for I have things to do today.

This shall be a brief post, however, every time I say that, it never is…oh well.

Jayman and I put on one helluva good trash Valentine's Day show on I’m With Stupid last night. Okay, it was pretty good, maybe not great, but well…yeah, it was pretty damn good.

If you missed it, you can listen to it by listening on the handy dandy BTR radio thingy:



I and I’m sure Jayman as well would like to thank Dana for calling in at the onset in case we had no callers.

Dana was this week’s hired hand to provide an opposite view to our caustic outlook on life. Her check is already in the mail, however, I forgot to sign it, so it’s worthless.

I guess Dana, can consider the unsigned check, a teachable moment.

On the downside, something happened prior and during the show that is very unfortunate.

I’m With Stupid’s intern, Little Jimmy Stewart, needs to be reprimanded if not fired for violating company policy.

He forgot that it is an intern’s job to keep the co-host (in this case me) sober during the show. Knocking on my studio door and showing up with a bottle of Captain Morgan minutes before the show is not conducive to that.

While I appreciate, his professionalism in keeping my glass full during the show, I think at the very least, a slap on the wrist is in order.

Anyhoo…give the show a listen.

It’s only 30 minutes or so long, and yes, I know, those are 30 minutes of your life you’ll never get back, but seriously what else we‘re you going to do? Uh-huh, thought so.

Other than that, I want to thank my smokin’ hot friend Rat for the incredibly nice B-Day card she sent me.

Only through the hard work and dedication of the United States Postal Service did it take a mere 11 days to get here.

When it did get here yesterday, I rubbed it all over my crotch. And…It felt good. Seriously though, thanks Rat; it was sweet as always.

Lastly…

I have dug a certain reader for a lonnnnng time, but lately, and I don’t know why, I have her on my mind…

Okay, maybe that’s why…Ahhhhh…is that a good picture to start the weekend off with, or what?

Have a great weekend all, and as always…

Cheers!!

He Said...She Said

It's time for another installment of He Said...She Said, however...today?

Schmoop is in charge, so here we go...

Schmoop: So, I was talking to Drive By Mikey today, and he was intimating that there was a conversation between the two of you about “some things”. What about?

Matt: It was about you, but seriously we are all allowed our space. Are we not?

Schmoop: You are correct, and I apologize for “invading your space”. He just happened to say something as I was there purchasing beverages. Just asking.

Matt: Hey…We are honest…to my detriment at times, but isn’t it nice?

Schmoop: Yes it is; I like honesty. So what did you talk about?

Matt: Now, you’ve crossed the line. It was between Mikey and I, and…it was honest. It didn’t change nor hide the facts between you and I.

Schmoop: Ok. I guess I’m just jealous that I didn’t have anyone to tell. Except the whole fucking internet!! Lucky you. for having a friend!!

Matt: I guess we’re back on the Dana thing…

Schmoop: Nah, okay maybe, I just like her tits! I thought maybe you and Mikey were talking about sex acts, that’s all.

Matt: Well we were, and Mikey would like to see you and Dana get it on and/or pee on him. You know, just to smooth things over. Mike is only thinking about you when he says that…He simply wants you and I to be happy.

Schmoop: Ha! He’s such a giving soul! God, I wish I was into that!!! Well until I am…I want you, Mr. Mahoney all to myself so ppppffffllllllttttt! I’m so mature!!

Matt: That’s sweet, but if it disturbs ya, how about we lose the carpet munching, and just go with some tit sucking amongst girls?

Schmoop: Well, well Ms. Vale, another rooster in the hen house!! I must quote:

Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’ll get...or something. Wanna get something???

Matt: “Wanna get something?” Are you asking me or Dana?

Schmoop: Yes!!

Matt: Well, there…you…go

And there you have it…Matty is a happy man...

For now.

Cheers!!

I Love Snugs!!

I had no interesting conversations this week, well...other than the one I posted yesterday between Schmoop and I.

It was classic and elicited quite a few interesting comments and exchanges, but none more interesting than this exchange between the uber-crazy Snugs and myself:

snugs said...

oh wow, I didn't know you had your own drama going on over here today too..

can I just say that I am really digging Micky..

btw, I used to feel sorry for Schmoop, but now I realize I was wrong, I think that maybe she is just pissed she missed out on the action, either that or she is just ok settling for sloppy seconds..whatever floats their boat,

just because I can't imagine being with someone that practically fucks another woman on the couch while I am sleeping one off and then continues to boast and joke about it doesn't mean it's not her cup of tea, or rather vodka, Cheers!

My response:

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Drama? I didn't realize that animated, sometimes heated exchanges between quasi-adults was considered, "drama".

I'm sure Schmoop is crushed that you no longer feel sorry for her as she spoke of your empathy for her with such treasure over the past couple of weeks. So sad.

Actually however, since I have been having sex with Schmoop for nearly ten years, doesn't that mean that Dana got the sloppy seconds? Just thinkin'.

And before you say somethin' 'bout that...No, I don't mind being referred to as sloppy seconds. It's kinda hot!!

Lessee...What else, we got c'here? Um...

I don't think Schmoop really was pissed about not having a three way, but I will tell you, she was impressed with Dana's tits. And who wouldn't be, because, they're real, and they're spectacular. Just like Schmoop's, only even BIGGER!!

As for you "knowing" that Dana and I "practically fucked" on the couch, leads me to think a couple of things...

Either you fantasize about what we did, or you as always, are once again living vicariously through Dana.

Either way, you should stop, 'cause it's creepin' me the fuck out!! But...entertaining as always.

Lastly, you did get one thing correct. While Schmoop can toss back more than her fair share of beer, she does like Vodka. But then again, who doesn't?

Have a wunnerful weekend, Snugs. I'll be spending mine working, laughing, hangin' out with my kid, and getting Schmoop from behind while we drink Vodka, talk about Dana's tits, and thoroughly enjoy life.

And...I'm making Manwich. Or, should I call it, Sloppy Seconds Joes!! Ha!! Yum.

Cheers, Freak Show!! (end)

Oh I love it when other people write my posts for me!!

By the way, I was whoring around this morning as well.

After I took Ryno to school, and on the way to the Vet's office to get Corky her food, I passed the house of an old girlfriend.

When I got home, I emailed her and said:

I drove by your house a few minutes ago and I played with "it" as I passed.

She responded:

How odd...At about 0800 I had my vibrator out and was going, "Oooooweeeeeoohhhhh". Hope things are good.

Ha...I so dig open, upfront, smart, funny people.

Have a weekend, and as always...

Cheers!!

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means. That’s Right!!

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

Thursday evening at the Beer Mine talking to Pizza Bill…

Me: Yo Billy-Boy can you use your van to help me move a couch from David’s house over to the apartment the first Sunday in October?

Bill: I’ll have to take the seats out, but sure.

Me: Thanks. Schmoop said that if you helped us out she’d show you her tits.

Bill: Hee Hee.

Me: Ha…Naw, I’ll pay ya.

Bill: I’d rather see Schmoop’s tits.

Me: Deal!!

Thursday morning taking Ryno to school…

Me: I’ll pick you up this afternoon. I’m going to park in that cornfield way behind the baseball diamond.

Ryno: If you park way back there, when I eventually do get to the car, I’m gonna park my fist in your face.

Me: Ha!! Good One.

Monday morning talking to Schmoop following Sunday’s post tryst admission fall out…

Me: You’re not going to work today?

Schmoop: No…I feel like shit this morning. I’ll just blame Dana. Ha.

Me: Ha...I’ll tell her.

Schmoop: And when you do, tell her to stop being a whore!! I did. I mean, shortly after you left your wife and moved in with me, I did.

Me: Ha. Hey-Oooooooo

Schmoop: I crack myself up…ugh, I’m going back to bed.

And that’s it for this week’s installment, but I do have a few things to pass along to you chuckleheads.

First of all, this past Tuesday I wrote about and professed my love for national radio talk show host, Leslie Marshall. Well kids, now dig it.

She read it Tuesday night and got a hold of me via Twitter. We had a brief Twitter convo and she was incredibly sweet.

I just want to say thanks to her for taking the time to read it and actually contacting me. Here’s to the lovely Leslie. Cheers to ya, Mizz Marshall!!

Today marks the 51st birthday of the sexiest librarian in the world, Bagwine buddy, Michele!! I want to give a big ol’ Happy Birthday to Michele. Have a wonderful day, dear!!

Lastly, I’m With Stupid will once again rear its ugly head at 11 AM EDT Sunday on Blog Talk Radio. Please join Jay and myself for some Sunday morning fun.

In addition to our weekly NFL picks and my weekly fucking by Time Warner, we will be talking about bad and/or funny things that have happened to us while drunk.

We invite you to call in and lay your stories on us as well.

And, since many of you will be listening to us with a hangover, we will also discuss what our favorite hangover foods are.

Off today so I’ll be whoopin’ it up I hope you all do the same. Have a good one!!

Cheers!!

So..?

So...

If any of you listened to, “I’m With Stupid" on Blog Talk Radio, which you really should, you know that “a caller”, DANA called in with her Yom Kippur Atonement message.

I know some of you might think badly of the Matt Man, but please don’t. Don’t’ think badly of her either, her site is quite good.

I have gotten over it for the most part, and I wish them well.

Ha!! No I don’t. Fuckers.

Hey, what would a post from me, be if I didn’t throw a Fuck in there! Huh? I capitalize fuck, that’s right bitches.

I’ve never had this happen before, so I have been a complete ass on most occasions.

I came from a VERY abusive fourteen year relationship, and maybe I really don’t know how to handle things. Matt did too.

You would think after ten years of cohabitation, and much love, that we would both get it. Guess not. I guess I wasn’t enough.

He broke my heart…into a million pieces. I didn’t even know he could.

Even though I fell in love with him quickly, and hard, I didn’t know he really had the power to hurt me.

I thought I was tough. I was wrong.

I will get over it, and I have for the most part.

When you think you couldn’t be hurt………it’s a whammy when you find out you are human after all. Far out right? Fuck the humans. I hate having feelings.

I’m glad it’s finally out there. I actually was going to do this too, only to a bigger degree because I know things. I ain’t, yea I said ain’t, going there.

To borrow words from my man Jay…

Hola!!

Oh, I guess I should have said "Hola" at the beginning of the post...ah Fuck It.

Yom Kippur: The Day of Atonement on, I'm With Stupid

Today at sundown marks the beginning of the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur…The Day of Atonement.

In Judaism, this 25 hour period of Yom Kippur marks the end of the annually occurring High Holy Days, or as I call it… Jew-a-Palooza.

Anyhoo…

In order to give this very solemn day of Heebness its due, Jay and I will be purging ourselves of any and all sins live over the internets.

That’s right, sports fans…Tomorrow on I’m With Stupid at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio, Jay and I will be supplicating and penitating.

If that doesn’t make for good Blog Talk Radio, I don’t know what does. But…

In order to make it really over the top good, we need you to call in and lay your sins out there.

This episode will be a caller driven show, so we need your help.

Call in and lay your heart on us so we can absolve you and more than likely mock you endlessly.

Longtime Bagwine buddy and internet vixen, Dana, has intimated that she may call in with an open and honest Sunday Secret.

Which knowing her as I do, it has to be either really twisted or really bad.

You should do the same.

One, it will make you feel better dropping off your emotional baggage, and two…

It will be fucking funny.

Jay and I will also be talking about hot Spanish chicks in testosterone laden football locker rooms.

We will discuss the candidacy of Christine O’Donnell as I masturbate live, and we will make our I’m With Stupid football picks of the week.

Now, that’s some good shit right there boy!!

So, please tune in, call in, and lose yourself in stupid for an hour.

I’m off to work 11-9 today because well, people need beer.

I hope to see you all tomorrow on I’m With Stupid.

Have a wonderful Saturday folks, and of course…

Cheers!!

In The Meantime...

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”

~Kahlil Gibran

That passage from Gibran, is, as was typical with most of his pennings, thoughtful, insightful, and in this instance, a source of comfort for when tragedy befalls us.

In theory, his line is absolutely true and quite poetic, however…

In the real world application of Gibran’s advice, perhaps there should be a caveat of sorts. Perhaps the line should read like this:

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and eventually, you shall see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight. In the meantime, get through as best you can.”

"Eventually" and "in the meantime" are the key words because there is always an, “in the meantime” of grief, anger, and struggles of day to day living that can overwhelm a person, and a family.

I know a person and a family who are struggling through a post-horrific “in the meantime.”

Boo, who has been a Bagwine friend for some time, and a friend to many others in the Blogosphere even longer, is currently experiencing that “in the meantime.”

On July 19th, Boo lost two of her five children in a house fire.

She lost nine year old, "Moo"…


And she lost three year old, "D’oh"…

Boo and her family are struggling with the emotional loss along with the accompanying financial burden of these times.

Boo and her family could use your help. They need your help.

I know of two funds and channels through which you can, if you are so inclined and have the means to help them, contact.

You can visit the web pages posted by two wunnerful people who often comment here:

Clay Perry

and

Dana

If you click on either name, it will direct you to their individual blog pages with the details and “how-to” on helping Boo and her family.

I know that no matter what any of us do, it will not help Boo and her family to ever get over this event, but anything we do “in the meantime”, will absolutely help them to get through this event.

And, if we can help them to get through the anguish of the “in the meantime”...

Boo and her family can someday, at least once in awhile, fully recognize, understand the beauty of, and find comfort in Gibran’s words.

Thanks and Cheers!!

Need The Info, Bitches...

Well it’s the week leading up to the Fourth of July. You know what that means!?

It’s party time!!!! Well…

Not for me.

You see, I learned something very valuable this past weekend, and something that for 45 years I thought to be nothing but an old wives’ tale…

It IS possible to drink too much.

No kiddin’. I’m not shittin’ ya. I just found that fact out Monday morning, Monday afternoon, Monday night, and…

That nugget of knowledge rocked my world. It also rocked my head with a clanging, a pounding, and a frequent spewing of sweaty toxins from my forehead.

I also found out that learning that little piece of information would have been more useful and less painful had I discovered it on a day when I didn’t have to work 10A-9P.

There were a couple of other things too. I guess it may have helped to work a little food in with all of the beer and Bagwine I was drinking throughout the weekend.

Did you guys know that? Frankly, I am at a loss. Why didn’t anyone tell me this shit?

I also found out that when I am in the same room with Schmoop and our buddy Dana, I get flipped off and told to “Suck it, Mahoney” with incredible frequency.

I also discovered that when I make Loosemeat Sandwiches…I probably should not be shit-faced.

Hell, I didn’t season the meat. I didn’t do jack to it. It was actually, just Loosemeat.

I guess it’s amazing that I actually did remember to fry the ground beef, so, well…no one got sick.

I discovered that not only is it a bad thing to go to work at the Beer Mine with a massive hangover, it’s even worse when my boss, Drive-By Mikey, takes utter delight in my pain and suffering.

And speaking of the Beer Mine and Drive-By Mikey…I am off to work another 11 hour swill shift today, but…

I am off on Wednesday, and maybe, just maybe, by then I will be fully recuperated.

That’s all I have. You know why that's all I have?

As I type this, I am still hungover, so if you need any details of the weekend ugliness, stop by Dana’s site; she’s already been yakkin' 'bout it.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, and I’ll catch up with y’all come Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Dana Conquered Bagwine, But...

This is all that's left of Dana...

Remember her well...

She didn't survive, and as I have to work eleven hours today with a massive hangover, I 'm not sure that I will either.

Cheers!!

Recipe For Disaster

This...


Plus this...

Plus this...

Can only equal this...

Cheers!!

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”

I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.

I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.

We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Tired and Off To Work

Man...I've got nothing. Jay and Dana kept me up wayyyy past my bedtime last night. Fucking Twitter pushers.

And then...

I woke up with a hard on because I had a dream about this chick:


And....AND...I still cannot remember this chick's name in the picture with me from 20 years ago:


If you have a second, just make up a name for me to call her, 'cause I am clueless.

Thanks.

Off to work until nine tonight. Wish me a calm day and plenty of cleavage shots.

Cheers!!

Private Conversations

It’s Friday so that means it’s time for the second round of my new installment, Private Conversations…I really need to come up with a catchier title, don’t I?

Anyhoo…

This is where I put snippets of my private conversations for the week out there, so we can all have a better understanding of the Matt-Man.

Here we go…

A Wednesday phone conversation with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus) After his five minute, expletive filled diatribe about the evils of the government of Israel:

Me: Wanna go grab a knish?

Richard: Fuck you, Mahoney.

Me: Shalom.

Sunday afternoon at 2:30 talking to Schmoop:

Me: Wanna have sex?

Schmoop: Can you still have dinner ready by five o’clock?

Me: Sure…

Schmoop: Okay

A twitter convo between my friend Dana and me:

Me: Are you at work? ‘Cause I am typing this message to you completely nekkid.

Dana: Why yes, I AM at work, fully clothed, but commando - does that count?

Me: Mmmmmmmmm. You win.

Speaking of Dana…I had speaks with Schmoop about Dana’s boobs on Tuesday:

Me: I saw a new pic of Dana’s cleavage. I had to comment on her girls.

Schmoop: What did you say?

Me: I said, “I want to eat them.”

Schmoop: Aren’t you precious?

Me: Ha. I wuuuuv youuuuu.

Schmoop: Whatevs.

Talking with my boss, Drive-By Mikey and our ice delivery guy, Luis, who is Mexican:

Mikey: Holy Shit Luis. You get slower and slower unloading that ice. Did you join a union?

Luis: Ha. Fuck you. (turns to me) You think I am getting slower too?

Me: Hell dude…I could have swam across the Rio Grande and back in the time it took you to unload that shit.

Luis: Ha Ha. You suck.

I have to take Ryno to an overnight Basketball camp this morning. Yesterday I called him to make sure what time he has to be there:

Me: 8 o’clock, buddy?

Ryno: Yep.

Me: We need to take some road music. What do you want me to bring?

Ryno: How ‘bout, The Cars? (my favorite band)

Me: Awwwww. I like that.

Ryno: I thought you would.

Me: And you were right.

Ryno: Aren’t I always?

Me: You had to ruin it, didn’t ya?

Ryno: Well, I am your son, Dad.

Me: Ha, true. I love you buddy.

Ryno: I love you too.

And there you have it folks…my second installment of Private Conversations.

Have a wonderful Friday, and I shall see ya after I get back from dropping Ryno off.

Cheers!!

Men Have Become Pussies!!

Let me tell ya this…

I don’t get pissed off that often, but man, I did yesterday…

My good friend, and one of my future ex-wives Dana, pointed out how her son was getting bullied.

I commented, and then hilarity ensued in the form of puss boy Doggy Bloggy.

Immediately after his response, I contacted Dana, and asked…

“Do you care if I go after this guy?”

After I was given permission to say whatever the hell I wanted to, I did just that.

You know what I got from the ensuing back and forth tirades between Doggy Boy and myself? Heartache!!

And not from Doggy, although he tried, but he is of feeble mind and has no dick, anyhoo…

I got the “shut-up” from some of Dana’s readers.

Yep. I was defending a friend of mine, one who was, ironically being bullied and I was told to “shut up”, “get over it”, “quit your pissing contest” by some readers of her.

I don’t get it…

Have we come to the point where many of the Bloggers are nothing but a bunch of pussies?

Are there a majority of people who lay comments in hopes of getting a return comment so they simply agree with the blogger and/or just leave something bland?

Fuck that.

Dana’s kid was bullied and although, a big kid, I defended him and her, and all I got was, “shut up, you’re being a dick.”

I thought blogging and forums of this type were for free discussion. I thought blogging was a catalyst for ideas, views, and personal expression.

Actually, blogging is exactly for those things…

However, some people don’t like what they hear, and when they hear it.

Me? I love to hear whatever you got and I don’t mind if you agree with me or another commenter.

It’s all good.

Cheers!!

With This Blog I Thee Wed...And Most Likely Divorce Later

Last week something silly yet amusing happened in the blogsophere and in the Twitterhood.

Several folks…Mrs. D, Mandy, and Jay each wrote posts involving celebrities that they would enjoying having as their next husband or wife.

Bagwine buddy, Doc chimed in on Twitter that he should do a similar thing involving “real people”, i.e. people he interacts with on his blog and through Twitter.

After he had the idea, he chickened out. However, after much coercion berating encouragement from Mrs. D and myself, Doc acquiesced and posted a list on Twitter.

He named 10 chicks who would make a great hypothetical second wife.

Of course, I told him that he named 10 so no chicks would be left off, get mad, and kick his ass. But I digress, sorta, and well, anyhoo…

I said what the hell…I’ll limit myself to a mere five bloggers with whom I get all randy and post it today. True to my word, I am doing it now.

I took into consideration, many aspects such as the length of time I have known certain bloggers. Do they make me hot in some way, and plain and simple of course do I like them?

To wit, heretofore, and in no particular order is my list: Matt-Man’s Top Five Picks To Be His Future Ex-Wife…


Mystery Chick: Chick began stopping by about a year ago. Her avatar that she used was a picture of herself wearing glasses. Chicks in glasses make me hot. I don’t know what it is.

MC is amusing, but more than that, she strikes me as sweet and somewhat vulnerable in a “God Damn!! Could Someone Please Allow Me To Unleash My Pent-Up Passion On Them?” kinda way.

On top of that, she has described some great shit she has cooked.

Who wouldn’t want a sweet, kind whore in the bedroom and a chef in the kitchen? When she cooked, I would quickly volunteer to toss her salad.

Dianne: Oh my kindred, sassy, even further left of me politically, Brooklyn accent, Joisey girl. I love her to death and would enjoy being her sex knish.

Di never fails to make me laugh, and I enjoy debating and listening to her talk politics, but it all goes back to the things she says that turn me on.

Di called Schmoop and I Christmas Day. Her son happened to be near her and Schmoop told Di that she thought he was hot. So…

Dianne told her son to take the phone and tell Schmoop, Hi.

He asked her who Schmoop was and Di replied, “She’s the girlfriend of the man your mom wants to have sex with.”

How the hell can you not fall in love with a woman like that? I dig her so.

Desert Rat: Oh my, my Rat. I have talked to her for some time now as well. I love me some Rat. I have plenty of friends I have met over this new fangled blogging thing but none any sweeter than her.

Her heart is completely and utterly well intentioned and she's there whenever one needs a kind word, or thought.

She’s also a scientist which is hot, ‘cause it means she is smart and she is cute, so I guess that means she is a High IQ-utie!!

I would love to say when asked what my wife does, “She’s a scientist, is your wife still pole dancing?”

Another good thing about scientists…They’re into experimentation. Yeah baby, yeah!!

Dana: Dana and I have been interacting for years now and well, what can I say? Never a harsh word or disagreement has befallen us. We’re completely like-minded. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

Hell, there’s been times that hate and never speaking to one and other was not out of the question.

And yet? We time and time again, overcome that crap and still remain friends who can discuss things on a personal level.

On top of that she has nice tits. I like tits. I wish I had tits. But seriously, as it has been said, “When two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”

That isn’t the case between Dana and I, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Lastly, but not least, um…leastly?

Marilyn: I was checking things out. Marilyn has been commenting here longer than any regular commenter that graces the pages of Bagwine, and I have always dug her.

Marilyn has a science degree too. What is with me and science geeks? Anyhoo, she makes signs (denoted by the ad on my left sidebar.) I find that incongruent on the surface, but…

It does take detail, and she shows her detail and sense of subtlety and nuance as well when she writes her One Word Impressions.

They are great, and I have a deep affection for anyone who can artfully paint with the written word.

I find subtlety in another area as well. She oft times seems frazzled, but I see a quiet strength in her, and her wit is as fucking funny and as dry as they come. Her humor is arid times ten.

And there you have it…My Top Five Future Ex-Wives.

I apologize for the length of this post, but in all seriousness, it could have been longer because I barely scratched the surface of what I think about these adorable people.

Have a Happy Hump day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Bagwine Reflections

“Brevity is the soul of wit…”
--Polonius...Hamlet, Act II Scene II

“When writing humor or satire, toss in the word, “fuck.” It never fails to fucking crack me up.”
--Matt-Man...Every fucking day

Tomorrow will be the last day of year four of Bagwine Ruminations. As I am working all day Saturday, I thought today would be a good day to reflect.

It has been fun and more than a bit challenging at times to put something at least somewhat humorous or thought provoking out every day. However, and fortunately…

The Creator has endowed me with a ginormous sense of humor, which is only fair, because the omnipotent fucker sure as hell shafted me on penis length.

Over the past four years and 1,500+ posts, much like my gonorrhea, I have tried to spread my humor to as many people as possible.

What have we learned over these past four years from this site? Sarah Palin is an idiot. The far left and the far right are comprised of morons, and more importantly and fortunately for me, stupid never takes a holiday.

And my friends, what have we learned about my favorite subject...me?

Many things. I dig chicks with big tits. I absolutely love Wild Irish Rose, and we have learned that my most frequent sex partner is my hand.

In fact, I jacked off three times before going to work yesterday.

Once to a picture of Tyra Banks naked. Once to a memory of a chick I banged in college, and during the last and best autoerotic massage, I was staring at this image:

Sweet Baby Jeebus, that is one fucking sexy looking burger. Hardee’s? You RAWK!!

Anyhoo…I think we have learned that I write halfway goodly. I have some comedic moments, and I have no problem saying what is on my mind.

Not everyone appreciates my honesty, but you know what? Fuck em’. I am honest about my fallacies, failures, and fuck-ups so deal with it, all of you chuckleheads of whom I make fun.

We have also learned that I’ll write about anything and in any genre. Hell, just yesterday, longtime Bagwine buddy Dana said that this picture made her think of me:
I’m not sure that that accurately describes me. After all, I rarely write tragedies. But, this leads me to something else.

It’s been a pleasure interacting with all of you guyz and galz. Many of you are like Dana.

She has a knack for knowing when I am in a good mood and then in some form or fashion, calls me an asshole to bring me down.

I like that. Oh sure, Schmoop calls me an asshole, but she typically calls me an asshole everyday, so when you guys do it, it means so much more. I thank you for that.

‘Cause, while I am a pretty nice guy, I can be crass and can be an asshole. I guess you could call me a crasshole.

But, to all of you…I thank you for spending part of your past four years with me. I hope that year five of Bagwine Ruminations remains as drunk as it has in the past.

And with a little luck, year five will hold a couple of surprises.

Have a lovely Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: A Raucous Day in the Life...

Boy Howdy!! Did I ever have an exciting day off yesterday. Of course, my days off are always exciting, because, well, I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

Anyhoo…In keeping with my uber-present humanitarianism I am going to list a few of the highlights of my day off so that you clowns can, for a brief moment, live vicariously through me.

When I got up yesterday, I looked like this…


By 10:30 A.M. I looked like this…

Damn right, I shaved my head as I do every so often. Tres chic, no? I was so asscited about it, I emailed Schmoop. This led to a series of communiqués that went something like this…

Me: Will you rub my head in oil tonight. It’s shaved!!
Schmoop: Ha. Why certainly!!

Me: And when you do, don’t speak English. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Schmoop: Hee Hee.

Me: If only you were off today. Rainy…low rumbles of thunder. It’s perfect “Sex-All-Day” weather. I’d even reward you by going to Rally’s and getting us some burgers. Of course you’d have to buy.
Schmoop: Yeah, that sounds great. What’s for dinner?

Me: We got nuthin’. Unless you want a side of Matty…or a frontal of Matty.
Schmoop: We’ll see. How about that frozen pizza?

Me: Yeah, that’s cool.
Schmoop: Zoves!!

I dig how Schmoop manages to hide her lust for me by directing the talk back to food. She’s so coy.

I also discussed my bald head on Twitter with among others, Evil Twin’s Wife. I continued to Twitter and chatted with Dana about the Arizona Immigrant ID law.

Growing bored with Twitter and in need of some day off productivity I checked my Facebook page where I saw that Irene and Leelee agreed with me on the question of Justin Bieber’s gayness. I love validation.

The phone rang. It was my buddy Richard, aka Crazy Cat Man from Columbus.

We talked politics as we always do and ended the conversation with a discussion about one of his cats that he had to have put down. Nice.

I then got into a discussion about abortion on the site of new blogger and Twit friend, Jetsa. I have one thing to say.

If you’re a woman who has an unintended pregnancy and Jetsa happens to be Earth Czar… Don’t expect to have an abortion. Jetsa is a Zygote Nazi!! Oy Vay!! But…she’s still hot.

In fact all of the chicks I linked today are hot. They Blog and they’re Hot. They’re Blotters.

Of course, during my day off activities I was swilling beer. And that is why at seven or so I passed out fell asleep on Kelly, and Schmoop who was there by then, turned everything off, and de-shoed me.

And there you have it…An exciting day in the life of Matt-Man. I’ll remember it fondly, for today I can’t get all wacky like I did yesterday.

I have to pick up Ryno from school at three and go to work at five. But…

I get to woop it up all over tomorrow, ‘cause on Friday, I’m home alone again.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Drink Up Bitches, It's a Celebration

It's gonna be a partly cloudy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Today is not only Super Bowl Sunday, it's my birthday...and Chris Rock's as well. I dig Chris Rock. Anyhoo...

Since it is my birthday, I want to have sex. Yeah, I'm up front like that. Alas, my BFF/OSP is ragging. Oh shuddup...She is. Her basement is flooding. Nothing we can do about that, except show her picture again...

Mmmmmmmm. Schmoop. If only you weren't setting forth in motion the things that Eve did. Oy.

Anyway..since Schmoop is in "the way", I thought I'd post pictures of some Bagwine readers that I'd like to hose...Keep in mind, because I'm a good egg, I hid their identities...

This ghostly chick makes my skin crawl, and not in a bad way. I dig chicks with glasses.


This woman? Shuddup. What's not to like? I mean other than she has kids.


I dig this woman alot...even if she is retarded...

I like boobs...but it has nothing to do with this photo. I like this woman for her choice in apparel. No, really.

What the hell is this shit, Matt-Man, you ask? I'll tell you what. A fricking nice ass, that's what. Pass me the Creamy Cucumber, I'm tossin' salad.

Lastly, we have this sweet thing. I couldn't hide the identity of this piece of meat. I love him too much to guise my feelings.

I love you Mick...be my Birthday Boy...please?

Have a wunnerful Super Bowl Sunday All...I have to work, but will be off by 7, so I will catch most of the game.

I know...you were concerned about that.

Cheers!!

P.S. Pizza Bill is making a pizza for me for my birthday. As much as I make fun of him, it's all in jest. Bill is a-okay...when he's not stealing from the drawer. Thanks Bill, alot...and I mean that.

A Public Service Announcement: Big Chicks Rock!!

The other day, Bagwine buddy, Dana wrote about how society oft times doesn't look at bigger women in a good light. She discussed the effect that it has on social acceptance, self-esteem issues, blah, blah, blah...

You know...Stuff more well-suited for a break out session at the August BlogHer Conference. Hee, Hee...sorry Dana.

Well folks...I have plenty of acceptance for bigger women and let me show you why...

I felt that I needed to post this in order to show that I am an accepting person and to create awareness that voluptuous women have feelings too.

And if I could, I would touch each and every one of these women in order to see what those feelings...um...feel like.

Cheers!!

Update: Some folks may wonder why I love Schmoop so much. I think the following email I received from her explains it all:

"What on earth is this post for???? I've been waiting three hours for this??? Please explain..."

Ha. I dig her.

I Like This Time of Year

In spite of my bittersweet blog memory of me not having sex with Veronica from the Archie’s yesterday, I remain happy.

In spite of Bagwine buddy Dana dragging me into the middle of a one-sided debate about racism yesterday, and as a result encountering a one-sided blogging goober chick named, Alexis from One Grand Home, I remain lighthearted.

In spite of Schmoop being despondent about our finances, I remain hopeful.

In spite of all of these things, I still believe in the spirit of Christmas, which as I see it, is the belief in the birth of hope, justice, and peace…and, no matter my circumstances at this time of year, I always have at least an ember of joy.

In fact, on this most wonderful Thursday, I want to impart to those of you who have stopped by, some of my favorite things that I really like about this time of year.

Shall I begin? I shall…

I like drinking cold beer and eating hot snacks with friends who are dear to me.

I like seeing pictures and videos of kids sitting on Santa’s lap.

I like the chick and the cute little song on the current Amazon Kindle commercial…

I like when a customer comes through the Beer Mine and says to me, “Thanks, and have a great Christmas.”

I like the smell of brewing coffee on a cold December morning.

I like the look on my son’s face when I give him an “off-the-wall” Christmas present…

Even if it’s Okaloosa-Walton Junior College versus St. Rita’s School for the Blind and Infirmed, I like watching every College Bowl game that I can.

I like watching those Bowl games with Schmoop’s brother, Dave.

I like making a crock-pot full of chili and hearing, “This is your best batch yet, Matt.”…

I like the contrast between brutal cold temperatures and a sunny December sky.

I like watching Schmoop walk out of the bedroom wearing socks, a burgundy sweatshirt, and her pink sweatpants that are far too big.

When I go to sleep, I like knowing that there are people I love, and people who love me…

Yeah, I like that...I like that alot.

Those are just some of the things I like about this time of year. If you have anything that you’d like to list, I’d dig hearing about it.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow is the Muslim New Year…Oh yeah, my site won’t have nearly the same feel as it does today.

But in the meantime...The thirty second cute as hell Amazon Kindle commercial I like so much.

Cheers!!