Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hey Marty and MB!? Thanks So Much for a Great Time

It's going to be a decent Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio. Hopefully, most people have partied themselves out making my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine today, relatively peaceful.

I have a pictoral re-cap of the Bagwine 4th of July festivities held yesterday at the new home of my brother and his wife.

Here it is...Our destination...No, not the telephone pole, the gazillion square foot house with a pond and room for a pony behind it.



Here, my brother Marte' and Mr. Mullet Man, my brother Vince are chatting. I am sure that Vince is saying, "C'mon...fire up the grill." To which I am sure Marty replied, "Fuck You. It's my house, I'll cook when I'm ready."

Okay...Marty is ready to grill Italian Sausages, Brats, and Chub Burgers. It's a good thing too. See that young man in the corner of the pic? That's my nephew, Kevin. He's a former Divsion I College football offensive lineman. He's 6'8", 300 lbs., and I'm sure, quite hungry.

Of course, what is a party without live entertainment? This guy was really good and could play damn near any request. Marty and his wife go all out when hosting. That's another brother in the foreground. That's the aforementioned Kevin's dad, Denny.

Denny, is a semi-regular Bagwine reader and upon being introduced to Beth for the first time, he paused, smiled and then said, "Heyyyy, You're Schmoop!!"

Here's a shot of half-buzzed fun seekers collecting butt splinters. Nice porch, eh?

Let's take a walk 'round the front of the house and see if we can find where the crowd is.

Ahhhhhh. Here's a gaggle of festive folks. They're hiding out in the garage because it's a bit rainy on this otherwise fine day.

You can't see it in the above picture but there are two kegs. One Mich Light and one of Rolling Rock. It was delicious.

There is also a Sno-Cone machine. Next to the Sno-Cone machine were bottles of Vodka for that always tasty Adult Sno-Cone.

Lastly, a longtime friend of mine and more so of Marty's was there. I give you, Andy...He's the penultimate mixture of nerd, smart guy, funny guy, and sexual deviant.

Just so you'll feel closer to him, I give you Andy's crotch...

There you have it folks.

The apartment chaos is over with.

The 4th of July festivities are over, and beginning tomorrow...

It's back to the business of being funny here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Amen, and Amen...

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, you chuckleheads.

Cheers!!

Adams, Jefferson, Franklin, and...Palin?

Happy Independence Day, Bitches!!

Today, many Americans will celebrate our country’s founding by throwing burgers and dawgs on the grill, swilling beer, and setting off fireworks.

Gov. Sarah Palin will celebrate the 4th of July by counting down the days until July 26th when she asserts her personal independence and walks away from her duties as Governor of Alaska.

That’s right…She announced at a hastily called press conference yesterday that she will resign from office effective July 26th.

Hee Hee. I’m pretty broken up about it. I am even more perplexed, because she really didn’t give any concrete reasons for her decisions.

She mentioned that people were attacking her son, Trig, and that a good point guard in basketball passes the ball so the team can win. WTF?

I think there is something more to her leaving office after 2 ½ years than what lies within the convoluted statement that she gave.

Does she really think she can better serve herself by quitting her job and start running now for President in 2012?

Does she think people will take a less than bright chick who served as Governor of Alaska for less than three years seriously?

My guess is that someone has offered her a lucrative job as some type of TV talk show host or something media related. If that comes to fruition, you heard it here first.

Anyhoo, enough about Gov. Dimbulb. It’s a day of celebration, and the Schmoop and I are going to be partying down at a soiree thrown by my brother, Marte’ and his lovely wife.

It has all the makings of a rollicking good Independencepalooza…Kegs O’ Beer, Brats, Burgers, and dozens of good natured, independence loving Americans.

God help my brother’s neighbors…I’ll take pictures o’ plenty of the patriotic partiers and the carnage that will be generated.

Since it is our nation’s birthday today, I thought I’d put up a relevant You Tube video.

I give you the sexiest scientist in all of these Untied States singing our country’s National Anthem.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the uber lovely and witty, Desert Rat. Enjoy.

Have a safe and fun-filled 4th of July everyone.

Cheers!!

Happy 4th of July

To all of you...

My computer and household are finally running as they should.

Schmoop and I wish you a very safe and very Happy 4th of July.

While I have to work tonight...

Schmoop and I are going to be spending Saturday at Marte's house enjoying a two kegger.

I hope you all have as much fun as we plan on having, and I leave you with this...

My dad wrote the following poem as part of his second book and a play (Two Hundred Summers) that he wrote.

It's titled, Bicentennial, July 4th, 1976...

The gates are open
somber, still;
the blade-grass quivers
on the hill.
A single robin
claims the crest;
the flowers in summer hues
are dressed.

The weathered columns
all look down
on marble slabs
that kiss the ground.
The names and dates
are graven deep,
two hundred summers
lie asleep.

The crowd is silent
standing there;
a priest intones
a solemn prayer.
The speaker dwells
on death and life,
and speaks of distant
drum and fife.

The chapel bell
in memory rings;
the choir, stirring
anthem sings.
The benediction's
slowly read;
the crowd departs,
the amen's said.

The hallowed ground
seeks love and rest,
for those it seals
within its breast;
July's green hills
their echoes keep;
two hundred summers lie asleep.

Jack Mahoney (C)1981

Have a great 4th everyone...And by the way...The rug burns left on Schmoop's knees from the new carpet are so Salvador Dali-like.

Cheers!!

Rug Burns and Fishing Poles

It is done peoples…

As it is so close to the 4th of July...

Schmoop and I have appropriately enough, gained our independence from stained, yellowish walls and threadbare carpet that was put down sometime between the Nixon and Carter administrations.

The painting (other than some touch ups) is done and the new carpet has been laid.

No pictures yet, as we have yet to put everything back into place, but let me tellz ya…

We are getting rid of quite a bit of our crap and keeping pictures, knick knacks, and the such to a minimum. Our Love Shack will be looking sleek.

Hell, Schmoop got rid of the bed frame and has the box and the mattress directly on the floor of the bedroom.

As we are both off today, later in the afternoon and evening, we are going to break in the new carpet and see what kind of rug burn patterns it puts on Schmoop’s knees.

I guess when we’re done breaking it in, we will also find out if the carpet is stain resistant. I’ll report back to you with the results.

First off on this glorious Thursday, I am going fishing with Ryno this morning. My brother Vinny is coming along with us.

As my brother Vince is a bit of an oddball, the pictures from our angling expedition should be a hoot. If I happen to shoot a video of Vinny fishing, trust me on this…

The visuals and the dialogue of the V-Man will be like watching Babe Winkelman meets Federico Fellini.

Anyhoo…Wednesday was a long day and night, so that is all that I have. But keeping in line with our Independence Day celebration this week, I leave you with two classic Inky and Lola cartoons…





Enjoy your Thursday all...If you're not around tomorrow for me to tell you, let me say this now...

Have a safe and sex filled 4th of July. I will and I may even give you a preview of it tomorrow.

Cheers!!

O Canada...Grow a Set, Would Ya?

It’s the first day of July, Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its independence from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

It marks the day in 1867 that Canada became formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982, Folks!! WTF!?

Hell even today, in spite of their “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that, I ask?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of pussies. Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, and Howie Mandel. And of course…The Queen.

Let’s do the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See? They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Kurds are in Iraq.

Anyhoo…Let’s do the Canadians and the Canadiens a favor.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue-induced piss out of the Canadians like we did the Iraqis.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles’ chick is butt ugly.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year, if America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that.

The carpet guys are supposed to be here today, so my computer will be down for awhile at some point. I am a bit saddened by this fact but really…

What better day to be down? It’s Canada Day after all, and seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

Cheers!!

Get Ready to Party America!!

The month of June is drawing to an end, and with it, so is our painting…finally.

I just want to post one more hodgepodgical entry before I finish up the paint job and get back to writing some serious funny business on the internets.

I posted a couple of pictures of Ryno and I yesterday. I have one more to throw out there for your enjoyment…


Have you ever seen a son look upon his dad more lovingly, adoring, and bemused as you see Ryno looking upon moi?

Of course not. Why is he so captured with me on a summer Sunday evening?

Well, because seconds before his mom took this picture I said the following…

“Hey Ryno, I bet that instead of using a backhoe to dig the grave of Billy Mays, the groundskeepers will use the Awesome Auger!!”

Ha. Like minds…Like senses of humor. I dig that.

Anyhoo. I must get to painting again. Tomorrow I will begin a four day celebration of our Nation’s 233rd Birthday.

Over the next few days, I will offer up some lesser known facts about our country’s history.

For instance…In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

I may also touch upon how the American Revolution truly ended.

The successful conclusion to the war came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

So there you have it, Bagwine Heads. Beginning tomorrow it’s Birthday Celebration Time, and we’re going to light a candle for America the rest of the week.

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

Have a Wild Irish Rose Red, White, and Blue Day

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY TO YOU ALL

WHILE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE FIREWORKS TONIGHT,

THINK OF ME WORKING.

YEP, EVEN ON THIS DAY OF INDEPENDENCE, THE MAN IS KEEPING ME DOWN.

HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE!!

CHEERS!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: Happy Birthday America!!

Happy 232nd Birthday America!!

What better way to celebrate than with something as All-American as a Hot Dog and a Beer!!?

But what's doubly nice is that I am celebrating this year with that rock star of Colonial times, Ben "Bagwine" Franklin

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!!

Have a safe and fun filled Fourth of July.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Declarin' It!!

Ahhhhhh. It’s so damn good to be back to my normal schedule.

I missed you bastards. Especially you Jay…call me. ; )~

So, today begins a Bagwine week celebrating our nation’s 232nd year of independence.

I tried to get John McCain to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth, but he was tied up.

I heard he was being tied up by some Vietnamese chick whipping him with a rattan cane while wearing Russian-made thigh high boots, but that is just a rumor.

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally, motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maude) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Few people know that Franklin originally offered the following revision:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence,

On behalf of the colonies, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, Patrick Henry, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, King G, sally forth, and go fuck thyself.”

It wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” was edited.

The full quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

This week, it’s all about our independence, baby!!

I hope that I can continue to help rev you up all week for the party that is takin’ place on Friday.

Cheers!!