Today marks the three week point prior to my annual not putting juicy, delicious meat into my Adonis-Like body for the duration of Lent.That’s right, in 21 days I will begin my 46 day meatless sojourn.
When Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morning, I can greet him with a clean colon and a skin tone that resembles that of a bloodless cadaver.
No bacon…no burgers…no sausage…no hot wings or veal parmigiana.
From 12:01 A.M. February 25th ’til 12:01 A.M. April 12th, I will consume no…fricking…meat.
I haven’t been a Catholic in years, but two Lents ago, Jeebus appeared to me and said…
Matt-Man, your body is a temple, could you at least respect it for 46 days a year and refrain from eating meat during Lent? For me?
I replied…
Okay Jeebus; Why the fuck not?
We laughed, and then I began to cry. But, I muddled through that first meat-free Lent and will do so again this year.
It is a nice change of pace. I eat things such as fish sticks, baked potatoes, eggs, tons o’ soup such as tomato and minestrone and…I will consume every damn bean known to man. But, that’s okay because I have yet to meet a bean I didn't like…although garbanzos are merely so-so.
I enjoy experimenting. I have made black bean burgers. I love a concoction that I make with kidney beans, cream cheese, and onions.
I have dined several nights on either homemade Tuna Helper or a meal of butter beans and cottage cheese. Oh, I come up with some culinary doozies.
This Lent, I plan on knocking up Bagwine friend Michele, of, It’s a Dog’s Life, often.
For recipes, you gutter minded bitches, for recipes. She’s a veggie-head. Jeebus, you guys; I swear.
I am going to add a new twist to this Lent. While giving up meat, I am also going to take up a rigorous workout plan. I call it…
Molding Muscles for the Messiah.
My workout regimen will include 300 push-ups, 300 sit ups as well as walking three miles.
That’s a hundred of each exercise and one mile for each part of the Trinity.
I am also going to do forty-six 50 pound free-weight curls to signify the growing strength that my sacrifice during the days of Lent provides me.
Of course, these numbers reflect the total amount I will be doing over the entire 46 days of Lent.
I am also going to do forty-six 50 pound free-weight curls to signify the growing strength that my sacrifice during the days of Lent provides me.
Of course, these numbers reflect the total amount I will be doing over the entire 46 days of Lent.
Therefore, between Ash Wednesday and Easter…
I will do 6.52 push-ups and sit-ups per day. One arm curl per day. And, walk roughly 334 1/3 feet per day.
I’ll alternate curls, one day left, one day right.
I will do 6.52 push-ups and sit-ups per day. One arm curl per day. And, walk roughly 334 1/3 feet per day.I’ll alternate curls, one day left, one day right.
If I did one for each arm per day, by Easter I’d be freakishly muscular. I don’t want that.
So that’s my plan, and it begins in 21 days.
I was going to go full bore and refrain from cussing and having sex for the duration of Lent as well.
But holy shit, there’s no way I could go 46 days without swearing.
Cheers!!
So that’s my plan, and it begins in 21 days.
I was going to go full bore and refrain from cussing and having sex for the duration of Lent as well.
But holy shit, there’s no way I could go 46 days without swearing.
Cheers!!
39 comments:
46 days of lent?
ahhh....lent is 40 days cause they don't count Sundays! (I looked it up)
300 pushups/situps?
you have a masseuse on call?
My hat is off to you with this but last I checked Lent lasts 40 days..did you add on more for pennance? I had a priest once that really encouraged us each year to give up something that was very dear to us for Lent and it assured us it would mean more to us afterwards. My husband thought I should give up shopping; thankfully I got rid of him instead. I thought one year of giving up sex, but did not see how it could ever possibly mean more to me than it already did. I've given up chocolate, booze and yes, I did do the shopping one year(excluding groceries and 1 new bathing suit for spring break since those were absolute neccesities!)But Matt my dear Man, I do not think I could go without my meat for that long, be sure to include lots of nuts and beans. AND you are gonna go get all buff and ripped on us too? We might have to rename you Adonis when this is over! I just adore this preperation period of yours.
oh crap Kat beat me to the true count, she is so damn sharp!
it'd probably be better for mateo if we speculated about how amazing his body will be...rather than geeking out about the number of days in lent...
sometimes I just can't help myself.
Ok I was actually starting to get a bit freaked out for the fate of both WIR and swearing with all that exercise and shit and the no knocking up or at least knocking boots....was wondering if I was gonna have to give up Matt Man for Lent :P
Just cause you are giving up meat for 46 days doesn't mean that Schmoop should go without the vienna sausage--er---Mattmeat
Kat: Correct. But unlike those undisciplined practicing Catholics who are not required to honor their sacrifice or service commitment to Lent on Sundays, I do.
I could eat meat on those Sundays but won't...only a Jeebus hating pussy would do that. Cheers Kat!!
Snugs: See? The Catholic Church says 40 days. I made Lent 46 days long two years ago. Screw the Pope. I guess today the Church asks people to focus on doing good deeds rather than giving something up. Once again, as I said to Kat, pussies. Cheers Snugs!!
Kat: After this Lent, I will be known as Mattcules. Cheers!!
Starr: Jeebus told me I should have fun while sacrificing so he told me to continue swilling, swearing, and shagging. Cheers!!
TB: I have noticed that in your latest comments, you have a bit of a fixation on my penis...I am more than a (naughty) bit aroused. Cheers Sexy!!
I'm still waiting for you to really give up meat for lent! Fish sticks? Tuna? What is it you say?? Pussy!
Dana: I scoff. You see, the Catholic Church has defined Lent as being 40 days. Some people define meat to include seafood.
I define Lent as being 46 days and meat to not include seafood.
I refuse to blindly accept the parameters laid out by Popes, Priests, and vegetarian PETA pricks.
I blaze my own trail. That's why I have so many burn marks, but it's worth it. Cheers!!
Ya ya thats all good Catholic upbringing but who really stuck to it? Could be your just looking for more Mattention. You really want to impress, go sit in a desert for 40 days.
Micky: As far as this goes, oddly enough, I stick to my Lenten sacrifice better than most actual Catholics I have ever known.
As for the desert thing? Holy Crap. I live in Ohio. I have been living in a frozen desert for the past two months.
Cheers Mick!!
Roman Catholic here or so it says on some piece of paper some where. NEVER, even as a kid praticed the religion proper, huh, wonder why that is. Oh well power to you on this meatless adLENTure. Does this mean you give up stroking the stick, polishing the pole as it were for 46 days as well?
Lu: Ha. AdLENTure. Can I use that? Asking me to give up strokin' the stick is like asking Keanu Reeves to take some acting lessons. Ain't gonna happen. Cheers Lu!!
...Hunter S.Thompson would have called this...Garbonzo Journalism...
Phfrankie: Ha. Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Phfrankie Bondo...Still producing classic, eclectic one-liners after a year or so on the Bagiwne stage. Bravissimo. Cheers!!
I'm eating meat for 46 days...in front of you!! If that ain't love, I don't know what is!!
Schmoop: By you tempting me, and tearing at my soul (and my taste buds) only makes me stronger. That is love. You are such a kind fucking soul...or something. Cheers Bay-Bee!!
Yeah, giving up meat is easy, but can you give up the beer and WIR? THAT'S what I'm talking about.
Songbird: Giving up meat is hardly easy for me. I love it. Cheers!!
Jay: While I appreciate your sense of being an asshole, which I am truly respectful of, 'cause I would do the same...There is no need to come up here and fulfill that duty.
I'm sure Schmoop will, as she has during the past two Lents, fulfill that role.
But, of course you're welcome here anytime regardless of that matter. Cheers Jay!!
Oh you remind me of my most famous Lent - I gave up Catholicism.
Now on Good Friday I can do what all the good Catholics have always done - go shopping. But I do it without guilt.
Dianne: Ahhhhh. A woman after my own heart. Blitzkrieg Benny and the Popes who have come before him, can suck it. Cheers Hot Stuff!!
I'm giving up chocolate.
It's not going to be pretty.
Giggle: I understand. At least you're not giving up caffeine. Man, the world would be in a big time hurt. Cheers GP!!
I don't think I remember my family sticking to lent, but I sure do remember back enough that it was fish on friday and beans and franks on saturday, always.
Sweet Jeebus, I hated saturdays.
I could never make it. I like sausage entirely too much.
You have Will of Steel! You should put out a DVD.
Micky: I love Beans and weenies. You are a Communist!! Cheers Mick!!
RLL: I love it too. I don't why I do this to myself. And, Thanks. Cheers Sexy!!
an excelLENT read Matt-Man.
ha Ha HA!!!
Cheers! and praise Jeebus. Amen.
Dice: Ha. I love you. And, thanks. Cheers!!
I might have to send you a bacon-related e-mail every day of Lent.
(from your practicing, "pussy" Catholic friend who neither sacrifices nor does good works for Lent because she does it every other day of the frickin' year, bub)
Oh crap...we might as well start posting pictures of big roasts, legs of lamb, tenderloins of beef, big juicy hamburgers,
46 days without sex? Hell you have done that at least 100 times already
Songbird: I think Jeebus may want a list of those those things so he can't put you higher into heaven. Cheers!!
Bond: Yes, that is true. Up until I was the age of 12. Cheers Vinny!!
Um, no, dear Matt-Man, Vinny is correct. How many months did your blog posts lament that your balls were growing cobwebs because of lack of action? First you cried over not getting any, now you write about getting multiples times per day.
Matt you can knock me up anytime.
Just feed the omnivores over here a veggie dish that they really liked.
Do you like canned salmon? I have some in the pantry for the boys that I need to use. You can sub tuna if you feel like it. You know I'm all about feelings.
Thanks for the shout out.
Songbird: I guess with me, it's feast or famine. Cheers!!
Michele: I cannot eat canned salmon. Not that I don't like it, but I had way too much of it during Lent when I was a kid. I made salmon patties once last Lent, and almost lost it. Cheers Michele!!
Best of luck to ya this year Matt Man. I know you can do it again.
Whew - the thought of that workout is enough to make me want a drink? Care to join?
I'm quite positive Jeebus is up there worshiping the wonder that is...Matt Man.
>>>although garbanzos are merely so-so.
I hate garbanzo beans but I do really like chick peas on a nice salad.
Bless Jeebus and pass the wine for Lent.
Cheers
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