Dispatches From My Ass: My Pussy Adores Matt-Man

Hi all. Schmoop here with another installment of Dispatches From My Ass.

Have I ever told you about our cat Corky, and my relationship with her? No? Well good, hang on.

Matt and I have been having hot, out of wedlock sex together going on nine years.

About seven years ago, he ventured out to find a kitten. For me.

I wanted a wittle, itty, bitty, furry baybee!

He came home with a CAT, not a kitten, a CAT. Ok, it took ten seconds to fall in love with this CAT. Shortly afterwards, we found out that this CAT was pregnant.

So lo and behold, a little while later this CAT had five itty, bitty, precious, furry baybees!! Ya need to see the baybees!!

Anyhoo, we, meaning I, took care of the CAT, and her kittens, until they were weaned, and then had the babies put to death. I kid, sorta.

We had to take them to the Humane Society (lock box of death) because we live in an apartment, so we couldn’t keep them, and could find no one who wanted any or all of them.

Deep breath, and many, many tears.

The CAT got quite ill two times, and the trips to the vet were expensive (Thanks D and M!). She finally got put on prescription food by HER doctor, so everything, so far is cool. All fourteen pounds of cool.

Here lies the rub.

I take care of her…food, water, litter evacuation, which she expects done at the same time every day by the way…and I fluff all of her own blankets. Hell, I won’t even vacuum if she’s asleep!!

Who does she want? Who does she love? Why it’s the Matt Man of course. Me?

What the hell do I get from Corky? Heartache, that's what!!

I get bitten, scratched, and snubbed. But Daddy, sweet, sweet Daddy, is the bestest ever!!

If Matt is not around and my brother David comes by, D gets the love I should be getting! How fucked up is that?

On the odd chance that she does let me hold her, if Matt-Man comes within 2 feet of us, she reaches out for him like a needy baby.

Corky follows him around like a dog…If he calls her, like Forrest Gump, she comes running, and dig this…

If her precious Matty sneezes, even if she is dead ass asleep, she wakes up and freaks out with concern and checks to see if he’s okay.

If she’s sleeping and I sneeze? She lays there like a piece of deadwood probably all the while dreaming of my death.

Matt’s even got her trained to get on one arm of the chair, so he can pick her up without bending down!!

Then, she proceeds to kiss him, rub all over his face, and call him George, or whatever the fuck she is saying in her cat talk.

This blows! I should be getting this attention, but noooo.

She doesn’t bite him, or scratch him, because he disciplines her, and she LOVES it. Bitch.

Hell, she even lays on the arm of the couch while he types and blogs!

Fucked up, I say.

So needless to say, the CAT, the little fuzzy, wuzzy baybee, that I wanted to have, hold, and cherish…wants the Matt Man. Damn, I can’t win…

Oh hey, here she comes!!

Oh Corky, snookie-wookums, come to mama I haz love!!!!

OW! Bitch!!