Bullets, Dreams, and Corn Nuts

Wow!! What a stupid day on the work front. A short work week should not constitute this much dumbfuckery. It has been nothing but constant barrage of shit. I was seriously ready to kill someone by 11:00 AM.

God, just fucking listen to me and everyone will live, people!!

I’m talking semi-automatic on the roof day. Oh PMS, how I love you. You magnify the stupid by 1000. Well, at least I know that ice cream is on my shopping list. Mmmmm…Ice Cream!!

But, I digress…or do I? Anyhoo…today’s post.

Analyze this dream for me. I dreamt I was home alone and the power went out. When it came back on, I was without internet or phone, and…I was naked.

Then…

The TV lights up with a message from the Matt-Man. He said he wasn’t coming home from work because he had to drink all the Rose as it was about to go bad, and he had a date with some dude named, Guy Ahnyurdyck.

All of a sudden, I’m outside my building in the dark and a storm is coming. At this point, I have clothes on, you pervs. The wind starts howling, the clouds roll in, but no storm.

Turns out to be a huge swarm of armor plated ticks, and the only thing I have to fight them off with is a small bag of Corn Nuts. But…

They like the Corn Nuts, so I drop the Corn Nuts and start running, and running, and begin to knock on doors to find help. All I find are zombies…well-dressed zombies, but zombies nonetheless.

I find my way back to the apartment and bust through the door. There, in the computer chair, sits our cat, Corky typing a blog post about kitty blow. She turns around, looks at me, and says…

“Dad called. Guy canceled, and the Wild Irish Rose turned into serpents, so he’ll be home shortly. By the way…I can haz Corn Nuts…Where are my Corn Nuts?”

So? Is this normal, or am I totally fucked up?

Well…if you’ll excuse me, I must prepare for the ticks and the zombies. I’m not taking any chances with that shit.

Zoooooves!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Ghetto Winterization

It’s going to be a cold, but sunny Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today, and I dig it.

I wouldn’t mind if was 50 Below Zero today, because it is such a joy to see the sun for the first in what seems like weeks.

The continual skies of gray and gloom have put me in a funk and zapped me of all strength.

Not just any funk either, it was an uber-funk.

For example…

Last night I was so drained of mirth and merriment that upon returning home from Ryno’s basketball game, I only had four beers…rejected Schmoop’s advances and offers of hot sex, and fell asleep on the couch while watching The Rob Dennis Show.

That’s huge folks because I never miss The Rob Dennis Show. It is THE worst cable access show in the history of local TV. I never miss it because it is sooooo bad it’s hilarious. But, my funk put me into a coma.

Alas, today, the sun is out, and much like Ultra Man I will fly towards it and recharge my batteries. Praise Jeebus!!

I mentioned earlier that it is cold. The windows in the Bagwine digs are paper thin so this year we employed a simple but effective winterization technique.

We put plastic over the main window in the living room. We can really tell the difference, but there had to be some alterations to our first application.

You see…our adorable but less than bright cat Corky, could not and continues to not recognize that there is plastic over the window, and you can see the results of such…

That’s right. That’s duct tape on the plastic. It is there to cover the holes that Corky created by trying to jump through it in order to sit in the window sill.

Oh well…ghetto winterization is better than freezing, and later today Corky is gonna find that out when I make her sit outside in the cold for twenty minutes as I mock her mercilessly.

Amen, and Amen…

I will be more sparse than usual through Tuesday as I actually have things I must get done. One of those things being tomorrow morning’s Annual MLK, JR. Day breakfast with just myself and Ryno.

It’s always a good time full of laughs, mocking of others, and bacon…Lots and lots of bacon.

Have a wonderful day all…

Cheers!!

Life Isn't Awful

Another beautiful day in Bagwine, Ohio.

Sunny and a high of 84. And?

I am working 11-9 and then off to have pizza and watch football with the R-Man tonight for a couple of hours.

Life isn't awful.

Schmoop and I were wondering how the Jewish Princess would adapt to the new couch. Well, Corky seems to have taken a liking to Lilly...

The new computer and desk look really good now. Of course,

How could things not look good when Heidi Zadeh is the background...?

Anyhoo...

Jay and I will be broadcasting another award winning installment of I'm With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio tomorrow at 11 AM EDT.

We will, among our usual schtick, be discussing our worst dates ever.

Listen in and call-in with your dating disasters and let's have some fun while we all recuperate from our Sunday morning hangovers.

One more thing...

If you visit the I'm With Stupid site you can also see our I'm With Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week.

She is so sweet that Dairy Queen has nothing on her. Well, actually Dairy Queen is all over her in this particular picture.

Have a wunnerful weekend, you chuckleheads, and as always...

Cheers!!

Autumnal Equinox Hodgepodge

Welcome to the first day of Fall chuckleheads. Fall begins this evening at 11:09 PM.

It’s appropriate that Fall begins today as I am off all day and plan on drinking much which could very well lead to me falling down.

And on Thursday…The Jewish observance of the Feast of the Tabernacles, better known as Sukkot begins. Hee Hee….Sukkot.

This Heeb Holiday is allegedly pronounced “Soo-Koe”. I call bullshit…That spelling screams, “SUCK IT”. Oy Vay!!

The name aside, Sukkot is the third Jewish holiday in the last three weeks.

Holy Moses, how many days of Manischewitz drinking and self-loathing can these Christ Killers celebrate!?

It’s like the Jews have three holidays a month, they're as bad as the freakin’ Muslims. I’ll tell you what though…

If I had money to invest, I’d invest it in the Jewish Greeting Card industry and become as rich as them. Only I’d be better off...

Because unlike Jews, I’d be invited to join exclusive, private Country Clubs.

I am off today, but the Beer mine was hoppin’ yesterday. Sweet Baby Jeebus!!

It began with Drive-By Mikey bitching about our neighbors…Donato’s Pizza.

There had been an empty two liter of Mountain Dew sitting like a sore thumb near their property. They wouldn’t pick it up. It irritated the hell out of him.

So, Mikey walked over and placed it directly on the lot.

They picked it up and threw it away. Hee Hee. That shit drives Drive-By Mikey nuts.

The Beer Mine was really dead until about 3 PM, and then…Blammo!! From 3-8 or so, it was non-stop. The tips were pretty good…

Tuesday night I came home hot, sweaty, and tired, but found something in fridge that I was happy to see and would eat before I went to sleep…

Damn right…Fried SPAM, cooked ahead of time by, and with the compliments of…Schmoop.

Thanks Schmoop!! I do love me some fried SPAM.

One last item and picture of hodgepodge…On this wonderful Autumnal Hump Day, would someone please call our cat, Corky…

She’s evidently dying to talk to somebody new.

Have a Happy Hump Day and remember, between now and Thursday make sure to wish every Jew you meet a wonderful holiday by saying to them…

“Happy? Suck It!!?

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Sloppy Seconds

It's going to be a humid and unsettled Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio, which lends itself to the opportunity of me having thunderstorm sex today.

I am more than happy about that because last night was not good.

After a hot day of work at the Beer Mine yesterday, I came home to find Schmoop looking like this...


She looked kinda hot in my shirt, and we had a couple of pre-coital beers. Life was good.

And then it got better, 'cause Schmoop laid down on Kelly the Couch with her legs spread and her hoo ha saying, "Take Me Matt-Man, Take Me!!."

But, before I could take advantage of the request, someone beat me to her honey hole...

What the fuck? Now I dig me some hot chick on chick action like most guys, but this is just disturbing not to mention bordering on illegal.

Let's hope today goes better for me in the sex area.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. Off to see Ryno for a few and then back to the digs to lock Corky in the closet and have my way with Schmoop.

Or not.

Cheers!!

Call The ASPCA; I Got My Pussy Stoned!!

I enjoy my Sundays off in the summer. They're just so laid back and enjoyable.

I went to see Ryno Sunday morning and his mom and I watched in disbelief as Ryno ate four burritos for breakfast.

I fixed a couple of things on their computer and then they got ready to go over to Grandpa's house for a cookout consisting of steak on the grill.

After all, even after eating four burritos at 10 A.M., Ryno would be ready for a couple of steaks by 2 o'clock or so.

Before I left my their house, there was one other thing I just had to do.

See the pretty purple, lavender colored flowers along the driveway?


Those plants are called catmint. They are a member of the catnip family and let me tell ya, cats dig the shit.

So, in a matter of having some cheap fun during the afternoon upon my return to the Bagwine digs, I walked back and forth through it making certain to get plenty all over my shoes.

Upon my return I walked all through the living room and once our cat Corky woke up and came out to see me, hilarity ensued.

She began to make love to the catmint covered carpet. Enjoy...

Ol' Cork was higher than a kite and let me tell you, boy did she have the munchies afterwards.

Fortunately for Cork, Schmoop checked the mail while I was gone and there was a thank you card from Dana that included a gift card to Pizza Hut.

We felt badly about getting Corky high so we used the gift card to allay her post-buzz hunger...

She's all better now...

Sometimes Sunday fun doesn't have to be expensive or be any further than one's living room.

Cheers!!

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”

I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.

I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.

We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

Listen to Your Heart

When I left my home and my family, I was no more than a boy…

Ha. Allow me to start over.

When I left my wife and son some nine to ten years ago, it was not for another woman. It was to remove myself from a situation that was adversely affecting me and more importantly my son, who was six at the time.

I swore when I left that I would never fall in love again. In fact, I didn’t want to be in love again, ever. I made a pact with myself to never listen to my heart even if it felt the love of another woman.

When I left my home, I of course, needed to find a place to stay. A friend of my sister who I had recently met, offered to have me move in with her as she had recently left a long-term relationship herself.

The kind woman in question who offered to help me out and with whom I moved in was of course, the uber-lovely Schmoop.

From the outset it was apparent that she and I had quite a bit in common.

We liked the same music, shared the same twisted sense of humor, and even enjoyed the same types of foods...

We were obviously well suited for one and other.

In spite of this, I kept my heart under lock and key. I remained true to my oath of never falling in love again.

I remained strong and unyielding for about a year and then one day, something happened.

Although it happened some years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday

Out and about in Bagwine on a sunny June day, I was struck upside the head and the heart by a vision. A vision of beauty, both inside and out.

I fatefully gazed into a set of eyes, and saw a twinkle of playfulness, compassion, and a good natured bit of the Devil.

My heart instantaneously began to melt like that of a young boy’s who had just received his first kiss from the cute chick in his school. I was excited. I was amused. I was in a word, giddy. And…?

I found myself after all of this time, falling in love, falling hard, and falling fast. My pact with myself about never falling in love again, was on the precipice of crumbling…

And crumble it did.

I embraced this adorable creature and brought her close to me. I kissed her on the head, and said to her, “Let’s go back to the apartment; let’s go home.”

We did, and from that day to the present, I tell her daily how wonderful she is, and how much I love her.

In spite of myself, I let my guard down and it feels wonderful to have loved someone so much for so long.

And the object of my undying affection, Corky, agrees and returns my love everyday.

Oh, what about Schmoop, you ask? Eh, we tolerate her, and she, most times, tolerates Corky and I.

Cheers!!

Thanksgiving: Breaking Tradition

The holiday season kicks off tomorrow with Thanksgiving, and guess what?

I’m working!! Eh, it’s no big deal. I asked Little Bill if I could work four of his hours at the Beer Mine on Thanksgiving and he said, “sure.” At least I think he did; the little fucker mumbles. Anyhoo…

I need extra hours and it’s only 10 A.M. until 2 P.M., so what the hell?

Does this impinge on the celebration for my BFF/OSP, Schmoop and I? Noooooo.

We had already decided that this year between my deflated lung and ever inflating bills (made even more buoyant by my spa stay at the hospital) that we would be subdued.

No perfectly cooked turkey or scalloped corn cooked by moi. And, no undercooked (yet adorable) green bean casserole and burnt (albeit sexy) rolls ala Schmoop.

So, when I get done working at 2 on Thanksgiving, I am going to pick up either pizza, Taco Bell, or some other deliciously greasy fast food and tote it home to my uber-hot Indian Maiden.

We’ll have a few drinks, watch some football, and talk about nothing.

There won’t be a traditional feast, but we’ll be feasting on food we love. There won’t be a seasonally adorned dinner table. Instead, she’ll eat while laying on the floor and I on the couch.

Corky will conduct her typical sniffing of our food prior to going to sleep in the chair after she finds that what we are eating is not chicken, so it doesn’t suit her “sophisticated palate.”

(The same “sophisticated” palate that has no problem tasting her own butt or hoo-ha during her frequent bathing.)

Schmoop will call her mom. I will probably call some family, and then as darkness sets in, we will both turn in for the night.

Sounds mundane, no? I don’t know…

While there is no extravagant culinary experience, there is food. We have a warm, safe place to lay our heads so there is no fear of the darkness.

Most importantly, while our guest list consists of only Schmoop and I, we are far from being alone.

And really, other than those simple things what more is there to be thankful for? Not much.

Okay, some sex would be good, but well…I’m still injured.

Cheers!!

Dispatches From My Ass: My Pussy Adores Matt-Man

Hi all. Schmoop here with another installment of Dispatches From My Ass.

Have I ever told you about our cat Corky, and my relationship with her? No? Well good, hang on.

Matt and I have been having hot, out of wedlock sex together going on nine years.

About seven years ago, he ventured out to find a kitten. For me.

I wanted a wittle, itty, bitty, furry baybee!

He came home with a CAT, not a kitten, a CAT. Ok, it took ten seconds to fall in love with this CAT. Shortly afterwards, we found out that this CAT was pregnant.

So lo and behold, a little while later this CAT had five itty, bitty, precious, furry baybees!! Ya need to see the baybees!!

Anyhoo, we, meaning I, took care of the CAT, and her kittens, until they were weaned, and then had the babies put to death. I kid, sorta.

We had to take them to the Humane Society (lock box of death) because we live in an apartment, so we couldn’t keep them, and could find no one who wanted any or all of them.

Deep breath, and many, many tears.

The CAT got quite ill two times, and the trips to the vet were expensive (Thanks D and M!). She finally got put on prescription food by HER doctor, so everything, so far is cool. All fourteen pounds of cool.

Here lies the rub.

I take care of her…food, water, litter evacuation, which she expects done at the same time every day by the way…and I fluff all of her own blankets. Hell, I won’t even vacuum if she’s asleep!!

Who does she want? Who does she love? Why it’s the Matt Man of course. Me?

What the hell do I get from Corky? Heartache, that's what!!

I get bitten, scratched, and snubbed. But Daddy, sweet, sweet Daddy, is the bestest ever!!

If Matt is not around and my brother David comes by, D gets the love I should be getting! How fucked up is that?

On the odd chance that she does let me hold her, if Matt-Man comes within 2 feet of us, she reaches out for him like a needy baby.

Corky follows him around like a dog…If he calls her, like Forrest Gump, she comes running, and dig this…

If her precious Matty sneezes, even if she is dead ass asleep, she wakes up and freaks out with concern and checks to see if he’s okay.

If she’s sleeping and I sneeze? She lays there like a piece of deadwood probably all the while dreaming of my death.

Matt’s even got her trained to get on one arm of the chair, so he can pick her up without bending down!!

Then, she proceeds to kiss him, rub all over his face, and call him George, or whatever the fuck she is saying in her cat talk.

This blows! I should be getting this attention, but noooo.

She doesn’t bite him, or scratch him, because he disciplines her, and she LOVES it. Bitch.

Hell, she even lays on the arm of the couch while he types and blogs!

Fucked up, I say.

So needless to say, the CAT, the little fuzzy, wuzzy baybee, that I wanted to have, hold, and cherish…wants the Matt Man. Damn, I can’t win…

Oh hey, here she comes!!

Oh Corky, snookie-wookums, come to mama I haz love!!!!

OW! Bitch!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Cat-tholicism

It’s going to rain cats and dogs on this Sunday in Bagwine.

This may mean my eight hours working the Beer Mines may be a little slow today.

Praise Jeebus, ‘cause Friday night, I had more people coming in and out of the place than Paris Hilton’s hoo-ha.

And…speaking of raining cats and dogs…as you probably know, we have a cat named, Corky.

I was recently asked by a reader, as to how we came to name our precious, furry friend, Corky.

It has nothing to do with a wine bottle…It’s not because she is a brownish, tan color...which she is not.

It is all because from the moment we rescued her from the gas chamber, we immediately recognized that she was “special”.

Not special in a, “worshipped by the Egyptians” kinda way, rather she is special in a, “Corky, As Life Goes On” kinda way.

She runs into things. Falls down a lot. Stares at the ceiling often...

Makes best friends with inanimate objects such as empty boxes and my HP Printer.

Oh yeah, she’s wayyyyyyy special.

In fact...

Schmoop was thrilled the other day when she went to the store and finally found a scoopable litter that is worthy of Corky's name and condition…


I’m sorry the picture is a little blurred, but it was taken through the eyes of our beloved Corky.

Life in the Bagwine digs is finally complete, as life goes on.

Amen and Amen…

That’s it for today for I must get ready for the work day. I hope you enjoy your Sunday, and tomorrow I have a very special announcement.

That’s right folks…I will be letting you in on a major change in the lifestyle of the Matt-Man.

I hope you can join me and share with me my life altering announcement. Until then…

Cheers!!

Easter Monday: Debriefing and Decompressing

I hope those of you who celebrate Easter in the Western Christian churches had a great day yesterday.

To those of you who may belong to one of the Eastern Orthodoxies, I wish you a Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ this week.

Sheeeesh!! I am frickin’ burnt out. Oy Vay.

The meatlessness…the 72 hour fast, and the ensuing Easter Meat-Fest has left me gastronomically tired, emotionally drained, and in need of more toilet paper.

The lovely Schmoop and I celebrated Easter by setting out blankets and pillows on the living room floor after I returned from a trip to White Castle with Sliders O’ Plenty in tow.

Initially Corky, our Talking Cat, thought the set-up was intended for her enjoyment…


After we made Corky aware that the blanket party was for us, we laid down and Schmoop, in her soft, white, “boy shorts” got comfortable…

Mmmmmm, nice leg. Hey, are her underwear laying just so, or do I see camel toe? Sorry, I sexually digressed...

We celebrated the solemnity and joyfulness of Christ’s resurrection by watching a timely movie. That movie?

Tommy Boy: The Holy Schnike Edition DVD. It was very moving.

We were chowing down on the White Castle cheeseburgers when Schmoop decided that she could not live on burgers alone.

She ordered me to the kitchen to make baked beans, get her brother’s cole slaw out, as she made a trip to see the Colonel.

Yes indeed, a bucket of bird was had. We feasted on beans, slaw, and KFC chicken. Take that PETA!! Oh, as you can see, mucho beer was involved as well.

Anyhoo...after eating the burgers, beans, fowl, and slaw...the end of Tommy Boy had arrived.

We felt a nap was in order. So, naturally, in order to facilitate our REM sleep, we turned the TV to coverage of The Masters golf tournament.

Watching golf on TV is second only to drinking Ny-Quil in the sleep aid department. Schmoop and I soon looked like this…

Of course, since we fell asleep early, we woke back up before the day was done and we had needs.

This was my need…


Those my friends, are the last two sliders. They looked sad and sickly, so I re-heated them and ate them.

Now I never mentioned this, but Schmoop, aka, My Girlfriend Who Has Ice Cream on the Brain, had given up said ice cream for Lent. Such a trooper.

When she awoke from her long nap, she once again rejoiced in the Resurrection by eating some of this..

And there you have it...

The wacky, madcap Easter happenings at the Bagwine digs.

Are we rebels or what?

Have a great Monday, all...

Cheers!!

Awakenings

I woke up at 3:45 A.M. today and couldn’t go back to sleep.

I like very early morning rises. No noise from the traffic outside. Schmoop is in the bedroom snoring softly. And…

As soon as I sit down to my computer, my cat, Corky comes out from wherever she was sleeping, hops upon the arm of Kelly, and lays there while I type.

It never fails. If I type a post at night or in the morning, my faithful feline companion is at my side.



And so it is this morning…Anyhoo…

I woke up early today for two reasons. Number one…

I had to pee…alot. It was an Austin Powers, newly unfrozen type of de-urine-piss-a-fication. I bet I woke the neighbors.

The second reason I awoke was because as I was battling between consciousness and slumber, I had a great idea related to the breakfast cereal industry.

I came up with a type of cereal that will open up a new market in the industry.

Cereal today is marketed to kids who enjoy prizes and sugary goodness. It’s marketed to old folks who feel the need to have powerful bowel movements.

And, to women of all ages who are actually concerned about what goes into their bodies.

As I was awoke, I figured, hey, who is selling cereal to men 18-55? No one.

Men 18-55, for the most part, have moved beyond the sugar and prizes. They couldn’t care less if they shit or not, and unlike women, they don’t give a damn what goes into their bodies.

So, I think that the vast, male 18-55 market is all mine. So what kind of cereal will I develop?

This cereal right here my friends…

That’s right, bitches. Vagina Charms. Each piece will look like a tiny hoo-ha. And best of all, they will be dripping with milk.

What kind of guy wouldn’t like to wake up to a bowl full of wet va-jay-jay? Okay, gay guys, but other than that, I mean, c’mon.

Yes guys, this cereal is not just simply delicious…It’s Labia-Licious!!

And guys, when you buy it and your buddy asks if you can share, you tell him, “No way dude, eat your own box.”

Also, if your wife or girlfriend gives you any crap about buying it, just remind her that eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Oh yeah, I think I’m on to something. Yum-Oh!!

Enjoy your Friday and your weekend all. And don’t forget…

Vagina…It’s What’s for Breakfast!!

Cheers!!

Inky and Lola: Lipstick Pig

A little Inky and Lola for ya...




Our cat, Corky...Is she praying to God and the Holy Baby Jeebus, or to Sammy "The Bull" Gravano?

I am off to see my 13 year old clone, but before I go, a word about McCain's claim that Obama was calling Gov. Sarah Palin a pig earlier this week.

And more so, Johnny Mac's "outrage" over Obama's sexist comment towards Palin.

Johnny Mac has gone off of the edge as far as being a decent human being. He's become a bitter old man who will do and say anything to become President.

Well Johnny Mac should know first hand about ugly comments towards women...Here are but a few examples of the Mac-Man in action...

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who is still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."

"At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." -to his wife, Cindy, after she playfully twirled his hair and said "You're getting a little thin up there," as reported in the book The Real McCain by Cliff Schecter

"Do you know why Chelsea Clinton is so ugly? Because Janet Reno is her father." --at a 1998 Republican fundraiser

"Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, 'Where is that marvelous ape?'" --a joke McCain reportedly told during his first Senate race in 1986

Oh John McCain, you're such a peach to look out for poor, little, vacuous Sarah. How dare that mean Obama pick on her.

If you two get elected, make sure you hose Sarah during your first term, because if you guys get a second term, she'll be pushing and then exceeding 50.

I know how you like your chicks much younger than that.

Have a great Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

Frozen Pizza: Sausage, Pepperoni, and Random Thoughts

I got home last night a 7:15 P.M.

I drank some beer. Yes folks, beer, not Bagwine. My liver needed a rest.

After listenin’ to Turnbaby’s BTR show, I decided to eat the frozen pizza that Schmoop had left for me in the fridge.

I recorded my thoughts during that time so they could be forever posted upon the internets…

Okay, the pizza’s in the microwave…looks Yum-Oh. I’ll go take a leak while it’s heating up.

Unlike Poppy from that episode of Seinfeld, I did wash my hands. God, I love that show. There’s the dinger.

Time to take a trip through my used up old body Mr. Pizza. Mmmmm smells good. Can Schmoop cook a frozen pizza, or what?

Maybe I should ask her to marry me…Hahahahahahahaha

First of all she would say, no. And secondly, I wouldn’t want to ruin her credit rating.

Lessee what’s on TV. Nothing…Nothing…Garbage…Okay, baseball it is. Tigers and Angels, but what the hell.

Wow that chick three rows up to the left of home plate has some huge boobs. Rowwwr. Oh, crap…

Either the sight of the chick’s hooters and the great taste of this pizza made me cum, or I put my wanker away too soon after peeing.

I have a huge wet spot on my crotch. I bet I look sexy sitting here eating pizza with a wet spot on my drawers.

Jeez, a lot of swell folks came to my site via Jay’s site the last few days.

Jay must be the second most popular guy from Arkansas. And he achieved that status without getting a blow job in the Oval Office!!

No Corky, no pizza for you girl. I noticed that the vast majority of my readers are women…seems that Jay’s are too.

I don’t know about him, but am I being sympathy blogged? Eh, doesn’t matter. Just like a sympathy fuck, it still feels good.

Wow what was I thinking when I made that promise to God in order for him to help me find my key the other day?

How in the hell will I possibly be able to only masturbate every OTHER day?

What was I thinking, indeed?

I sure have a ton o’ blog reading to catch up on Monday…and links to add…

Will I be able to get it all done before I leave at quarter til’ five Monday afternoon?

Of course I will…I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!! Man, good pizza. Time to snooze…

Have a lovely Monday, folks.

Cheers!!

Corky: Welcome To My World

Hello Bagwine Reederz. My name is Corky and I am six yeerz old. I begged my dad, Mat-Man, to let me speek my peece. You no about Schmoop and Mat-Man, but other than my illnesses do you reely no me? No, you do not. It is my tyme today to let the inner Corky out. (Ed. Note: Poor grammar Corky.) (Corky Note: Fuck you Mr. Editor, I am a cat and I am only six years old, in case you didn’t pick up on that.)

Anyhoo, I do appreciate my dad saving me from termination. I was about to be gassed when he picked me up as a stray some for years ago. I am fourever gratefull four that. I guess maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I told him I was getting reddy to deliver five kittens. Butt we got passed that.

It’s been nice living heer. Schmoop gives me fresh water and food everyday. Schmoop even cleens my poop, and yet I give the majority of my luv to Dad. Why you ask? Well, for one I am a bitch, and for the other reason, when I lick my dad’s face, the Wild Irish Rose on his lips tastes like a combination of catnip and my own kitty urine. As Matt-Man would say, “Yum-Oh!!”

My mom and dad, are verry nice, but they can be quite strange. They both drink a lot. I do enjoy walking between their feet when they are buzzed. They trip and call me names, but the feeline chuckle is priceless. They still think that is an akcident. Humans are sooo stoopid.

My dad is a little prankster himself. He will ask me if I want a beer and I shake my head yes and he gives me one. He starts laffing because I have no thum to speak of, and I cannot fuckin’ open it. What a dick. Mom on the other hand, will throw me a Glad Sack full of chicken and watch me as I struggle to unzip the God Damn bag. That’s okay I give it back to them.

If they aren’t up by six in the morning, I likk their faces with my 80 grit sandpaper tongue and claw loudly at the leg of the dining rooom tayble. I guess it’s giv and take, and we luv each other. Oh, one other thing…I am a cat and part of my day is spent sleeping, shitting, and eating, and I do those things well.

I hope you continue reeding my dad’s site, because if you don’t, he threatened to take me to the zoo and introduce me to something called a Bengal Tiger. I don’t know what that means, but it cant be good. I hope you no me a lot better now.

Have a nice day, and as my dad would say, Cheers!!

Corky's Under The Weather

I probably won't be able to put up a post today, because the lovable Corky is feeling pretty bad and is headed to the vet. She is showing the same signs of the bladder infection that put in her in the hospital for three days back around Thanksgiving. Please take a second today and wish the old girl luck.

On a lighter note, wish me luck as well because I am bowling with my son again today and my used up old body hasn't even recovered from our weekend of basketball.

I'll keep you updated on the Cork-Meister.

Cheers!!