The Circle of Life

Welcome to the weekend, y’all.

My weekend was yesterday. That was it. That’s all there was. There isn’t any more.

You see…for the next three weeks, I’ll be working 11-9 on Saturdays and 11-7 on Sundays at the Beer Mine.

I’m not unhappy about it at all, but in order to make up for working during the “true” weekend, I utilized my day off on Friday to have fun.

I took Schmoop to work early and then headed over to see my 15 year old with size 15 feet, pride and joy, Ryno.

After I woke his still sleeping ass up, we watched Sports Center for awhile and then headed to the Beer Mine to get my check.

I purchased a pack of smokes, a bag of BBQ Pork Rinds for Ryno, Drive-By Mikey made several crude, but funny remarks, and Ryno and I went to Rally’s.

I bought him a cheeseburger and fries and a burger for his mom. After he ate, he was ready to perform.

I shot this video of him doing his “not quite right” basketball player routine.

It’s pretty funny, only a minute and ten seconds long, and towards the end he’s pretty impressive by sinking, on command, two of three 20+ feet three pointers…

Damn, the boy rarely misses. Anyhoo…I went to pick up Schmoop from work around noon. When we got home I saw that I had several emails in my box.

It was notification that Jay’s Fantasy Football League is back again this year and the site is open. I dig it!!

Last year, my Jonas Brothers won the whole she-bang and they shall again this year although with a different team moniker. My team name this year?

The Eager Biebers!! Fear them, Bitches…fear them.

Schmoop and I quaffed a few beers and a Full Throttle at home and then headed over to the palatial estate of my brother Marte’ and his lovely wife.

Marty’s 30th High School reunion is this weekend and he had a couple of his friends over for a pre-party and Schmoop and I were invited.

It was amusing as always getting together with Marty and the two knuckleheads, Chris and Andy. Now Andy, some of you Bagwine readers may know, as Agent Squalor and an occasional commenter.

But Chris? You and Schmoop as well have never met him. She got the honor of that yesterday, and laughed her ass off.

After she reattached her ass, she captured this picture of from left to right…Marty, Chris, Andy, and Me.

Have you ever seen a more handsome and trustworthy looking group of men? Of course you have.

Schmoop and I headed out after that because allegedly Marty, the wives, and his classmates were going out to eat. However, judging by the rapid flow of alcohol during the visit, I’m guessing they didn’t make it.

But…That didn’t stop me from treating Schmoop to a world class dinner. No sir-ree-bob.

On our way back to the Bagwine digs, I cruised through one of the finest eating establishments in Bagwine, Ohio…Indeed, in America itself…

Damn right, Bitches…Just as I did for Ryno and his mom, I bought Schmoop and I a sack full of grease from Rally’s.

The circle of life was complete, as was my truncated weekend.

A shortened weekend full of drinks, laughter, and people who I love. I dug it.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Fantasy Football and Programming Notes

It’s going to be a Partly Cloudy, Cool and, Breezy Sabbath in Bagwine today.

I of course, will be minding the Beer Mine today from 11-7, ensuring that football fans everywhere will have plenty of beer and smokes on hand while cussing at their TV.

Just consider me, a Social Worker.

Speaking of football…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be in pedophile football heaven today as his 1-2 Stalkers try to manhandle my boyishly sexy 2-1 Jonas Brothers in the Open Bar League over at ESPN Fantasy Football.

Jay’s team has a deadly receiving corps and is using the Bengals defense who are playing the hapless Cleveland Browns, so he has a leg up on my Jonas Brothers…which I am sure excites his sick self to no end.

My only hope is that one of my running backs, Pierre “Thick as a Brick” Thomas and my quarterback, Peyton Is He Manning Enough have big games today.

C’mon Jonas Brothers, put that pervert back into his dark, dark place!!

After work, I am going to go see Ryan for a few. After I give him a week ahead pep talk, it is back here to tip a few, watch the late game, and type up some Bagwine magic for tomorrow.

My selflessness is never-ending, and what do I get in return? You got it…Heartache. But, I continue to give, and shall.

I am a little sad this morning. I am watching my favorite FOX babe, Alisyn Camerota of Fox and Friends weekend as I type this, and Alisyn is wearing a dress that shows far too little.

I always count on her for a little Sunday morning wood, but alas, my phallus remains flaccid. Bummer. That’s okay, my love for her remains firm and steadfast.

I love you, Allie!!

Anyhoo…Before I leave you today, I have a programming note in regards to the content of what you will be seeing on Bagwine Ruminations.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing for the next three or four weeks, my daily commentary will be concentrating on political and social issues.

I know these topics do not thrill some of you, but it is something I have to do for awhile in hopes of accomplishing something that is uber-important to me.

I promise to try to make these upcoming posts amusing, but I just ask you to bear with me on the topics I will be addressing over the next month or so.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. And of course, as always…

Cheers!!

Qaddafi, Brothers, and Fantasy Football

I have a bit of Hump Day Hodgepodge for you all today. Shall we begin? Great…

If you read Bagwine Ruminations yesterday you are aware that I talked about the residents of Englewood, New Jersey being none too pleased that Muammar Qaddafi may hold a soiree on the Libyan estate located there next month when he comes to address the United Nations.

Karen of, Smiling Through It All, suggested in her comment to me that since she lives near Englewood, she could tell Qaddafi through Mayor Wildes that he is welcome at The House of Bagwine and that he should pay me a visit.

I thought about her comment for a second, and then said to myself:

“Damn right he’s welcome here. I’d dig the chance to meet him and his cadre of sexy, female bodyguards.”

So ladies and gentlemen…I fired off an e-mail to the Libyan Mission office at the UN. What follows is a copy of said e-mail:

Dear Diplomatic Corps of Libya,

I have read that your Leader Muammar Qaddafi will be in the U.S.A. next month to address the U.N. General Assembly.

I have also read that many people in the State of New Jersey are complaining that he may want to entertain guests at the property that the Libyan Government owns in Englewood, N. J.

I am offering you the opportunity to visit my apartment in Ohio. If you want to see how a typical American couple lives, you are more than welcome to stop by our place and stay awhile. I'll even cook for you and your bodyguards. Purrrrrr.

I have even dedicated my daily article to the ghastly non-welcome you are receiving from the residents of New Jersey. Here's the link:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/08/muammar-qaddafi-muammar-gaddafihowever.html

If you are interested in familiarizing yourselves with "typical" Americans and being welcome at the same time, please let me know, and we'll set something up. It would be an honor and a pleasure.

I hope that you and your folks are enjoying your Ramadan season, and please let me know if we can make this visit happen.

Sincerely,

Matt-Man
Springfield, Ohio
xxx.xxx.xxxx (phone number)
www.bagwine.blogspot.com

I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I hope to soon. Thanks for the idea Karen. I’ll get you an autographed picture of Muammar should he take me up on my invitation.

If you’d like to help me in my quest to bring Qaddafi to my home, you can e-mail the UN Mission of Libya at the following address: libya@un.int

Tell them Matt-Man is a helluva guy and a great host. Thank You.

Next item…I just found out a couple of days ago that over the last few months, that the Chicago Sun-Times has published 11 of my posts on their website. Cool, no?

The most recent one was my Palin Picnic post. Here is the link to it as it appears on the Sun-Times website: CLICK HERE

As a demonstration of how sarcasm and sardonic wit runs in the family let me share something with you. I sent an e-mail to one of my brothers telling him about my posts appearing on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

This particular brother is a journalist by trade and had been an editor and reporter for a major newspaper for years. I thought he’d appreciate knowing this fact. His response in typical family fashion was the following:

This sez something about the state of today’s newspapers: Resorting to Bagwine to pump up circulation. But who knows? It may be the answer to the industry’s ills.

Ha…Our family is so warm, so caring, so god damn funny. His response made my day; thanks bro.

It’s almost football season folks and you know what that means? The Jay-Man has created a Fantasy Football League again this year.

I played for the first time last year and it was fun because Jay makes it easy to play.

Well, our draft is coming up Thursday so I am going to be spending today and tonight after work ranking players so I can try to draft who I want.

Last year my team did pretty well.

They had a good name too. They were called the Bagwine Boners.

This year? Based on a suggestion from my son Ryan, this year’s team has a new, more fearsome moniker. What is it, you ask?

The Jonas Brothers!! Go Team; Fight Team; Winnnnnnnn Team!!

Speaking of Ryno…He is now officially a High School Freshman. He began school yesterday, and of course, before I took him to school I had to have him pose for a picture…

I guess he hasn’t discovered what a blow dryer is yet. Good Luck to Him, and to all of you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day.

Cheers!!

Hey, Brent Musburger!!? If I Want Pussy, I'll Go to John Madden!!

I have a Fantasy Football team in Jay’s League.

They suck. Even though I am one of the highest point scoring teams in the league, I have managed to be 1-3 at this point.

In a word, abysmal.

So, I was thinking…How about starting my own Fantasy Football League?

One where the football, instead of “pigskin” is made of cat skin, and will now be called, a “Pussy.”

And…

Where the touchdown, is now referred to as, a “Blowjob.”

In my world, this would be much better…

Just think of the scintillating and titillating commentary we would have while listening to Mayonnaise Mouth John Madden, when the football is now called a “pussy” and the touchdown is now called a “blowjob.”

I can hear Madden saying, “The key to this game comes down to which team controls the line of scrimmage and doesn’t turnover the pussy.”

Of course, weather always plays a factor when playing in the National Pussy League. Madden might speak this gem on some December Sunday when the Colts are playing the Bills in Buffalo…

“Y’know folks, you are going to be seeing Peyton Manning wiping his hands on center, Jeff Saturday’s ass all day, because with this heavy snow that is going to be one, wet pussy. You don’t want to fumble the pussy when it gets snapped.”

Madden would continue...

“If you spend sixty minutes dropping a wet pussy, you aren’t going to score too many blowjobs.”

The kicking game plays a major role in some games…Your views, Mr. Madden?

“When I coached the Raiders, I had the privilege of coaching the greatest punter ever, Ray Guy. He could boot that pussy 80 yards. He could really make that pussy scream when he put his whole foot into it.”

Even the “Red Zone” (when a team is inside the opponent’s 20 yard line) would take on a new meaning. Eh, John?

“The Bengals offense has fumbled seven times this year within the Red Zone. It’s almost as if when they encounter the Red Zone, they want nothing to do with the pussy. That really cuts down on their chances of getting a blowjob.”

I bet a fantastic catch would sound great with these new definitions, eh John?

“Did you see that, folks? Romo threw the pussy from midfield and Terrell Owens caught it on the run, bobbled the pussy twice, pinned it against his face, and then did a forward somersault into the end zone for the most spectacular blowjob I have ever seen...

That’s what pussy is all about, sports fans!!

It's acrobatic blowjobs like that, that remind me why I wanted to get into pussy in the first place.”

I like my idea, but with one MAJOR, non-negotiable caveat…

Thinking of Madden saying this crap is creepy enough, but I DO NOT want my word change applied to the college game, because if I ever hear Brent Musburger utter the words, “pussy” or “blowjob”, I will forever avoid sex.

Have a great Monday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Good With the Bad

After a week of temps in the 90’s, this Sabbath will find us basking in a refreshingly cool and sunny day with a high of 75.

I, as I do every Sunday, will spend it dispensing beverages and smiles while working 11-7. No football watching for the Matt-Man until tonight.

That’s a shame, because I will be unable watch how my players in Jay’s Cynical Blog League are doing. My fantasy team, the Bagwine Boners, are sure to be contenders…

Contenders for what, I have no idea as of yet.

While perusing the Bible last night, I struggled to find a message for today’s service.

It did not come from the Bible (although I caught myself once again getting aroused while reading about Lot‘s daughters). It came from my TV.

In life, we will encounter both miracles and hardships.

Yesterday, miraculously, the Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish managed to overcome their anemic offensive output and decisively eke out a win against those perennial contenders for the National Championship, the Aztecs of San Diego State.

Praise be to Our Lady and the Holy Baby Jeebus.

What is the hardship you ask? Two words, one name…Brent Musburger.

For all that is good and holy, we ask ye O Lord, disengage his vocal chords and banish him to the vast wasteland that is late night cable.

In your name, we pray…Amen, and Amen.

And now, our Sunday Serenade, of sorts…a little something different.

First, Jay blew his wad all over the internets. Soon after, I joined in. Knight couldn’t resist the allure and did it all over her bathroom, refrigerator, and living room.

Not to be outdone, Dana showed her assets while driving on the public interstate system, with her son next to her!!

And now, somebody else has gotten their freak on. Who is it? What the hell am I talking about? Click HERE to find out.

Enjoy your Sunday and the full force Kick Off of the NFL football season.

Cheers!!

Nothing Sexier Than Bagwine Colored Hair!!

Schmoop with her formerly blonde, now brown and slightly graying locks...

And a view from the side...

Grab a beer Schmoop, 'cause you're gettin' a head job...Doesn't she look thrilled?

Behold!! The New Auburn Tresses...Ooo La La!! Perfect accent for those blue peeps of hers.

Sweet color job by, America's hottest new hair stylist, La Matt-Man!!

Sex this weekend will be like having sex with Pat Benatar, but with a great set of knockers.

Hit me with your best shot, Schmoop, because I'm gonna be making some promises in the dark this weekend.

Oh yeah...New hair, new 'tude, same great breastesses.

There you have it folks. A visual how to lesson in hair coloring from your buddy, Matt-Man.

The Fantasy draft went well last night, however, due to my Bagwine buzz, I inadvertantly passed on Tom Brady.

That's okay, a good buzz is far more important than a well-rounded Fantasy Football roster.

I won't be around much today, as I will be spending time with the R-Man.

I do want to pass on Bagwine Birthday wishes to Micky-T. Have a good one my friend.

Also, condolences to friends and family of NFL Hall of Famer, Gene Upshaw. Upshaw passed away from cancer the other day. This of course begs the age old question:

Since he died during the pre-season, does it really count?

Have a great weekend all.

Cheers!!

This Week, the Dog Days of Summer Will be Barkin'

I hope that everybody had a glorious, fun-filled weekend.

And if you didn’t, well, then it sucks to be you. Ha. Kidding of course. I kid because I love.

But alas, another Monday has come yet again; and boy, I need this day to rest up, because this week is gonna be HUGE here in the land of Bagwine.

Okay, maybe not huge, but the possibility of fun is definitely in the air.

I am going to be spending quite a bit of time with the R-Man this week, as next Tuesday his carefree summer days get replaced by the classrooms and corridors of his eighth grade adventure.

Fortunately for him, his mom, and I, he likes school for the most part. Well, except for the studying and work that go along with it.

Also this week, Schmoop’s monthly friend, Sid, and the accompanying hemorrhaging, should be exiting so maybe the Matt-Man may get a little sumpin sumpin a few times this week. Boo Yah!!

Tuesday on Bagwine Ruminations, we will be celebrating several birthdays.

Yepper folks, it’s not just Bill Clinton’s birthday tomorrow. I will be giving a shout out to a couple of other folks as well.

Now, Wednesday? I am not so sure what is going on here on Wednesday. I guess for now, we will Mouseketeer it, and say that Wednesday will be, Anything Can Happen Day.

Thursday…Look Out, folks. If all goes well, I will have a brand spankin’ new Blog-Fo-Mercial© for you. Whoever will it be?

Well, it could be any of you, because I have yet to figure out who it’s going to be.

Another big event is taking place Thursday afternoon on my day off. Schmoop is coming home early (so I am not completely in the bag) and I am going to color her hair. Is that exciting or what?

That’s right. I am strapping on the plastic gloves and coloring her hair. Her locks will be changing from a dirty blonde/brown/gray mop to being a mane of Intense Auburn.

The auburn locks combined with her striking blue eyes, and pale, anemic looking skin will result in a new kaleidoscope of hotness for the Schmoop.

I write…I cook…I do dishes…and now, add painter of tresses to my resume'. I am a frickin' Renaissance Man.

And that takes us to my post on Friday, which will give you before, after, and action shots during the process of this entire mess metamorphosis.

Lastly, I am diving into my first foray into a Fantasy Football League.

That’s right, the Cynical Bastard, Jay, has created a league, and my team, the Bagwine Boners are in it.

I have a couple of things going against me. Number one, it appears that most folks in this league have done this before.

Secondly, and most importantly, the draft is Thursday night at 8:30 P.M. EDT. Ha. Thursday is my day off. Do you realize how shit-faced I will be by 8:30!!? Holy Baby Jeebus.

I’ll probably be trying to pick a player and wonder why Johnny Unitas isn’t on the list.

I can hear it now..."What do you mean he’s dead? So what...I want Unitas, and if I can’t have him, I’ll take Bronko Nagurski, Godammit!!"

Oh yeah, this can’t be good. Nonetheless, I will post my team’s mediocre roster on Friday, as well.

So folks, I hope you have a Monday as good as a Monday can be. Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!