Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Numbers Can Add Up To Introspection

Well folks…

I discovered that yesterday’s discussion about my e-mails to a trio of FOX News celebrities marked my 1,300th post on Bagwine Ruminations. Holy Cow.

1,300 posts over nearly three and a half years. And what if anything, have we learned about the man known as Matt, Matty, Mateo, That Bagwine Drinking Dickhead in Ohio…The Matt-Man?

Let’s re-cap, shall we?

I like to drink Wild Irish Rose, Milwaukee’s Best Light, and once in awhile, King Cobra Malt Liquor, better known as, Snake in a Bottle. Yum.

We know through photographic evidence that I have yet to achieve my life’s dream of having a sex change and becoming a Lesbian Porn Star. That fact sticks in my crawl, and it sticks in my crawl because I still have no vagina in which to put it.

Politically, I am a blend of Liberalism and Libertarianism…In fact, in a post some time back, I coined the phrase, Liberaltarian. I am so damn cool that way.

We know that my life would be far less without my son, Schmoop, her brother Dave, my family, and all of you lovable, sometimes brilliant, and usually laugh out loud funny degenerates.

I have a pretty damn good command of the English language, and yet some of my favorite words remain fuck, fucktard, pussy, and asshole.

I enjoy a heated debate, trading insulting barbs, and making fun of ideas and people with which and whom I disagree. Biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut has never been in my DNA. And yet, at times, I can be quite diplomatic. Odd.

I guess at times, I am riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of a brown paper bag. I can dig that.

When I fantasize about sex…it involves a hot chick such as this…

On the rare occasion that I have real sex, it involves a hot chick like this…

Mmmmmmmmm. It’s good to know that.

If you have read me for any length of time you know that while I haven’t had the time of late, I enjoy making videos such as this classic I did to John R. Butler’s, “Old Time God”.


Ha. Classic.

Anyhoo…

I really have no idea why I am writing this or where if anywhere, I am going with it. I guess we are a people who are taken with big, round numbers such as 1,300.

Numbers like that act as milestones, and oft times create a time of reflection and introspection.

I guess I saw that number and started to think about things. I have much optimism that something will come of the things I write, but at the same time, I spend my days worrying about things in the here and now.

I guess I was due for a little catharsis, and I thank you for listening.

So as not to end this post on a melancholy note, I will attempt to lighten things up by asking you to do something…

This post was primarily a self-absorbed post about what we have learned about me through the existence of Bagwine Ruminations; what is it that you don’t know?

Bring it on Bitches…Ask me anything you want. I’ll answer it right here, right now. I am certain that YOU guys can come up with some pretty damn funny questions.

Cheers!!

40 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

What's up with the clock in the picture? Is it a Flava Flav thing?
Is the time on it significant?
-Mrs. D

katherine. said...

I love this video. I have made countless friends and family members watch until they sing along.

1,300 is a milestone indeed.

I am privileged to read you...most of the time I even enjoy it...smile.

Tomorrow I will think of a question of two....I'm gonna go watch my video again...I wonder if I am related to this guy?

Scott Oglesby said...

Congrats on the milestone, this just proves that you are a sustainable resourse! That was one hilarious video, I'd love to see more from you. On to my questions….

If you could have a beer (or 17) with anybody in the world, who would it be, and why?

If you could permanently exile somebody to Antarctica (I would say kill, but black lists suck) who would it be, and why?

If you could ask Jesus Christ one serious question, what would it be?

Lu' said...

Sex with Tyra or a guest spot on David Letterman and why? (NO having sex with Tyra on the David Letterman show is not an option even if a ratings grabber)

Matt-Man said...

Lady: That picture (which is the same one in my profile) was taken for my last New Year's Eve post. The clock shows the time to be 3 minutes to Midnight. Cheers Mrs. D!!

Kat: You're privileged? It is I that am priviledged to have you read me. I dig that video as well. I am sure one of your questions may be, "When are you going to stop smoking?" and I wouldn't have it any other way. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I'd love to do more videos but I only have access to the Windows Movie Maker that came with this computer. It is very basic, very tedious, and doesn't allow me to do very many cool things.

The first name that comes to mind as far as havibg a beer with...Kim Jong Il. A case of beer, some WIR, and just him and I. What a hoot!!

Wow exile just ONE person? Ann Coulter perhaps. I just find her to be a putrid human being.

My question to Jesus? The same question I ask him a couple of times a day. Could you please help my son to be safe, happy, and do his best.

I'd also ask him if Mary Magdalene liked to be on the top or bottom. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. Nice caveat...I'd have sex wit Tyra. There are plenty of other late night shows on which to appear, but there is only one Tyra. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

"I guess at times, I am riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of a brown paper bag."
? hopefully not set afire on a doorstep!

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: Ha, very good Cheesy. I hope not either but that certainly does make sense. Cheers!!

Dana said...

Wait! It has to be a funny question??

Hmmm ...

This could be difficult ...

Let me get back to you on this ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: It doesn't have to be...just tryin' to lighten the mood. Feel free to ask a question noir if you'd like. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

If you could pick your dream job that your writing could get you, what would it be, and who for? Would you be willing to relocate for a very well payed writing job?

Why is Jesus different from any other influential man who had a book written about him?

What color is your God and how tall is he or she or it?

When you clasp your hands and fingers together, you know fingers in fingers, which index finger is on top, left or right?

Have you ever been out of the country?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Wow, you are quite quizzical today...

I am doing my dream job every time I write something. I just wish that I had a larger audience and was making money because of it. And sure, if had to move to take a job that afforded me an opportunity to write I would do it.

A couple of reasons that I think the story of Jesus has had more influence tha others is because of the times in which it was written. The world was smaller, life was harder, and it challenged the two most powerful entities in the Middle Eastern region at the time. The Jewish faith, and the Roman Empire. And of course, because his story has been passed down through text and word for centuries.

Ha. Just did it...My left index finger is on top. Does that mean that I am crazy?

The only time I have ever been out of the country was when I went to the strip clubs in Windsor, Ontario a couple of times. Other than that? Nope.

Cheers and thanks Mick!!

Micky-T said...

Ahhh....that makes sense.
left finger on top!

I bet the planets Uranus and Pluto are in line too! Ha

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I think you need to do some 'splainin'. Does my left finger on top mean something? Are you a clost psychologist, my good man? Cheers Mick!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Ha ha, Ann Coulter exiled. I second that.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. Thank you for the second. What a hideous human being. Cheers Mrs. D.!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Ah, where to begin?...

First and foremost I must say that your video borders on the sublime and was in no small part what got me hooked on your blog. Thou art a good moovee maker, sir.

Secondly, though I am reticent to correct the maestro in public, it must be pointed out that the correct phrase is "craw", not "crawl" (look it up...I'm right)...

And my question to you is this: If you had to choose between Doris Day or Elizabeth Taylor to spend the night with, which would it be and why?

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Why thank ya. I dig that song and video. It's craw? Really? If you say so, I believe.

Oh c'mon P-Man...You know the answer to that question. Doris Day was cute, but Liz Baby in her day was smokin' HAWT!! Dark hair, violet eyes, nice ass, and firm fun bags. I love me some Elizabeth Taylor. Cheers P-Man!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...yeah but...yeah but...yeah but...Doris could SING...like a songbird...and she probably wore those big panties...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha...You're fucked up, and I mean that in the best sense. If I want singing I'll listen to the radio...I want smoldering hot sexuality and that my friend is, Lizzzzzzzzzzzz. Cheers!!

Jay said...

Congrats on 1,300 posts.

Which is scarier, midgets or clowns?

What is the title of you autobiography going to be?

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Well, it's your choice. Who am I to argue? Might I ask, however, if being a slice of man-meat in a Liz and Doris sandwich might be acceptable?...

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Wow...That's a tough question Jay. I thin clowns are creepier. Midgets had no choice or control over their non-normality. Clowns CHOOSE that lifestyle. So, I'll go with clowns as being creepier.

I came up with a title long ago...

The Story of a Man Who If He Had Been A Celebrity His Life Would Be Important To You.

Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Phfranie: I just never got into Doris Day. Her "Pillow Talk" never turned me on. Now a Liz Taylor and Ann-Margret Sandwich would be awesome. Cheers P-Man!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...well alrighty then...I'll quit pestering you now. Happy #1,300!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Oh puhleeeeeze...You are never a pester. I think you're funnier than hell. Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

Love the video – that must have preceded my introduction to Bagwine. Congrats on the 13 hundred!

Hmm…questions. [Caution - be careful what you ask for - you just might get it.]

Relative to being a writer:

Did you have typing classes as a formal introduction to the qwerty keyboard, or are you self-taught or are you a hunt-and-pecker?

When writing, how often do you use a dictionary or thesaurus either on-line or paper?

How often do you use the googles or other search engine queries to fact-check or research a blog post and do you have a preference?

Relative to your gender-reassignment and porn star goals:

Other than Schmoop, who is the hottest chick you ever actually boinked (fake names accepted) and why is she the hottest?

Other than myself, of course, for whom would you go gay? Living now or formerly living…if you go for “living or dead” people, I don’t think I’m up for that info just yet.

In the “which would you be” and why category:

What animal in the wild?

Which bird?

Which classic car?

Relative to career choices:

If you were an astronaut, which other planet or star would you most like to visit? I’m guessing Uranus but just because that is a smutty/funny answer.

Other than your preferences for porn star or professionally well-paid writer, what untried occupation would most interest you and why?
Follow-up: Would you be pleased if Ryno chose that profession?

You, my good sir, are one of the most witty, irreverent and excellently entertaining writers I’ve ever known….living or dead.

Cheers.

Bond said...

Congrats on 1,300

Just goes to show that people have no taste at all! =]

One question and one question only...

Of which post are you most proud?

Chew on that why don't cha!

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. Why thank you David. I have to go to work. I'll have to get back with you on all of this. In fact, if you don't mind, I will take all of your questions and use them for an entire post in the near future. Cheers and Thnaks David!!

Bond: I don't have to chew on that too long and here's why...

I cna't answer that, and last night I actually tried. Instead of posting what I did tday in "honor" of 1,300 posts I was going to post my favorite post of all time...I couldn't decide on one. Cheers Vinny!!

Starrlight said...

Brand of toothpaste and ass wipe. You know...the important things :P

Candice said...

briefs or boxers?

David said...

@Starlight - I am so embarrassed that I failed to inquire about the preferred moist asswipe. That deserved top billing. Thank you for coming to the rescue.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Colgate Fresh Mint w/Baking Soda and Peroxide, and the TP? Not a clue, but there's plenty on hand. Cheers!!

Candice: Never briefs. Sometimes boxers, sometimes boxer briefs. I dig boxer briefs. Cheers Candice!!

David: Starr always gets to the core issues at hand. Cheers David!!

Bond said...

Disappointed you can not name one...

OH WELL

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Um....No. There are quite a few that I like for different reasons. Cheers!!

RobinF said...

Matt..... You never cease to make me laugh... as irreverent as that song is... OMG did I laugh...by the way the frame featuring the tornado ...AKA the Finger of God... Wicked cool!! You get bonus points just for including that!!! Congrats on 1300 posts and may you have a million more!

Matt-Man said...

Robin: Ha. Why thank ya. I did that video more than a year ago, and I still dig it. Cheers!!

Dice Mardell said...

"I have a pretty damn good command of the English language, and yet some of my favorite words remain fuck, fucktard, pussy, and asshole."

ME TOO ! what are the odds?

One Question?
Q. If it were YOUR lighthouse, why would it be crying?

Congrat's on #1300 !

Matt-Man said...

Dice: My lighthouse is currently not crying but I can imagine that it will be as soon as I pop a top tomorrow. Here's to you and the English language. May it long contain the word, "fuck". Cheers and Thanks Di!!