The Bastard Has Left The Building !!

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.”

---Alexander Jablokov

A truer quote I have never read, but the road to truth is not only lined with annoying bastards, it’s lined with cynical bastards…cynical bastards who are really funny, subtly sarcastic, and intelligent.

And, that road to truth within the confines of the blogosphere has lost one of its most beautifully cynical bastards to ever grace its lanes.

That’s right, my friend and internet radio partner in crime Jayman, is all but discontinuing his blog site after slightly more than five years of using it to display his sublime wit and personal observations on life and society.

Many of you who stop by here are also loyal readers of Jayman’s blog, which was formerly known as, Cynical Bastard and more recently as, Every Day Jay.

Many of you have also been devoted fans of Jay himself. You dig him because you see him as a funny, self-deprecating, sweet, and uber-affable human being.

Let me tell you something…

That acerbic motherfucker known as “good ol’ Jay” has been fooling the Hell out of you for five plus years.

He has for the longest time called himself, Cynical Bastard. Ha!! Rotten Bastard would be far more accurate.

And, recently he tried to conceal his dark soul and thoughts by calling himself, Every Day Jay.

Oh he’s an “every day kinda guy” alright…If the “every day kinda guy” standard is set by the likes of Charles Manson and Ted Bundy!!

Jayman and I talk on the phone for at least ninety minutes every Tuesday in order to go over what we will be discussing on the next installment of our I’m with Stupid Blog Talk Radio Show (Every Saturday at 12 PM EDT!!).

Let me tell you…

After ninety minutes on the phone with him, I have to throw up, hop into a scalding hot shower, and scrub myself down with steel wool as if I’m Meryl Streep’s character in Silkwood.

Even after that, I still feel dirty. He’s a freakin’ sociopath.

Now dig it…

I have been trying to write a wacky series of blog posts on how I am seceding from the United States.

Last week, my brother John, suddenly and selfishly passed away which interrupted the flow of my posts, and this week after two days of secession humor?

Jayman picked Tuesday night to announce his retirement, therefore forcing me to write this piece and knock me off my comedic flow and story continuity.

Fucker…I'm sure he planned that, and is laughing his ass off over it.

In my eyes however, he does have one redeeming quality. All of these dark and sadistic traits about Jay that I have described?

I dig them. I embrace them. I have them myself. So how can I dislike the guy? I can’t!!

So…Here’s to the Jayman and five plus years of blog humor.

You can still catch Jay on Twitter…on Tumblr…on Facebook…and of course, every Saturday at Noon EDT on I’m With Stupid.

Make sure you stop by Jay’s Blog today and tell the rotten bastard:

“Go to Hell and Good Riddance, Funny Man!!”

Cheers!!

The Cynical Bastard Bounced Me Into Building a Blog Banner

Happy Hump Day, Kids!!

At work Tuesday, I was thinking humorous thoughts and jotting down notes about what I thought President Obama should say during tonight's State of the Union address.

I got home about 7:15 P.M., cracked open a beer, and fired up the ol' Bagwine computer.

After checking my e-mail which contained nothing but spam, I answered a couple of comments on my site and then headed over to Jay's site.

I found, much to my chagrin, that he had already written a very funny post about Obama's aforementioned SOTU address. I was quite pissed amused.

So...

I started creating possible banners for the new website I am working on in order to get comedy gigs, pundit spots, and the like.

I came up with a couple of variations on the same idea. I was taking into consideration that I don't want to be known as merely a comic, but also one who can provide a humorous and non-ideological commentary on social and political issues.

With that in mind...Here is what I have come up wit thus far. Let me know what ya think if you have a minute. And please, if you hate it, let me know...I can take it.

Sample Number One:

Colorful Commentary for Our Black and White Times


Sample Number Two:

That's all I gots, Bitches...

I'm off for three straight days and I'll be OCD'ing over this new site the entire time. I hope the beer helps me to cope.

Cheers!!

Questions ala David

As part of my post this past Wednesday, I asked readers to ask me anything they’d like…things that perhaps that they didn’t know about me.

I answered the majority of them in the comments section, but one chucklehead decided to ask me a myriad of questions that would require more than a brief comment.

David, a frequent Bagwine commenter and man of ambiguous sexual orientation, posed several inquiries.

Since I find David to be a funny guy and wonderful addition to the discussions that take place here, I thought I would take some time to answer his questions…

Did you have typing classes as a formal introduction to the qwerty keyboard, or are you self-taught or are you a hunt-and-pecker?

I took typing for two grading periods during my freshman year of High School. I sat next to Susan Heeg, who had the most incredible breasts I had ever seen up to that point. Today, I type using a combination of knowing where the keys are but still peck now and then. Kinda like I do when having sex.

When writing, how often do you use a dictionary or thesaurus either on-line or paper?

I use a Thesaurus once in awhile typically to find words that offer me alliteration. I deeply dig alliteration. The Dictionary? Not often…but maybe I knead to use one moor often.

How often do you use the googles or other search engine queries to fact-check or research a blog post and do you have a preference?

I actually do research my topics as thoroughly as time allows. Even if I am poking fun of something, I want to know the actual history and facts behind what I am talking about. I am a Google user almost exclusively.

Other than Schmoop, who is the hottest chick you ever actually boinked (fake names accepted) and why is she the hottest?

Now that’s a fun question!! Other than Schmoop, it had to be a chick named Tiffany.

We only had sex a few times, but man it was always loud, proud, and sassy. And it all began the first time I met her sitting with mutual friends in a bar. As the night went on, she put her hand on my thigh…then rubbed…and finally ended up giving me a hand job in said bar. What’s not to like?

Other than myself, of course, for whom would you go gay? Living now or formerly living…if you go for “living or dead” people, I don’t think I’m up for that info just yet.

It would have to be a “chick” that comes through the Beer Mine. Oddly enough, “her” name is Tiffany as well, although my co-workers refer to “her” as, Timmy. I guess I’m taken in by her cute face, her man hands, and the lilt in “her” voice when “she” bellows:

“Marlboro Reds in a Box, Matt. I know, I had quit smoking, but I just found out that the guy I am dating is my father.” What say you, Pizza Bill?

David had a few more questions, but I shall save those for another day. I want to thank David for his morbid curiosity about me.

It’s friends like him, who make life interesting…and in way, disturbing.

I am spending some time with Ryno this morning and then back to the digs to woop it up.

Have a wonderful Saturday all. May you all find a girl like Tiffany, be she a she, or a he, or whatever.

Cheers!!

Numbers Can Add Up To Introspection

Well folks…

I discovered that yesterday’s discussion about my e-mails to a trio of FOX News celebrities marked my 1,300th post on Bagwine Ruminations. Holy Cow.

1,300 posts over nearly three and a half years. And what if anything, have we learned about the man known as Matt, Matty, Mateo, That Bagwine Drinking Dickhead in Ohio…The Matt-Man?

Let’s re-cap, shall we?

I like to drink Wild Irish Rose, Milwaukee’s Best Light, and once in awhile, King Cobra Malt Liquor, better known as, Snake in a Bottle. Yum.

We know through photographic evidence that I have yet to achieve my life’s dream of having a sex change and becoming a Lesbian Porn Star. That fact sticks in my crawl, and it sticks in my crawl because I still have no vagina in which to put it.

Politically, I am a blend of Liberalism and Libertarianism…In fact, in a post some time back, I coined the phrase, Liberaltarian. I am so damn cool that way.

We know that my life would be far less without my son, Schmoop, her brother Dave, my family, and all of you lovable, sometimes brilliant, and usually laugh out loud funny degenerates.

I have a pretty damn good command of the English language, and yet some of my favorite words remain fuck, fucktard, pussy, and asshole.

I enjoy a heated debate, trading insulting barbs, and making fun of ideas and people with which and whom I disagree. Biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut has never been in my DNA. And yet, at times, I can be quite diplomatic. Odd.

I guess at times, I am riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of a brown paper bag. I can dig that.

When I fantasize about sex…it involves a hot chick such as this…

On the rare occasion that I have real sex, it involves a hot chick like this…

Mmmmmmmmm. It’s good to know that.

If you have read me for any length of time you know that while I haven’t had the time of late, I enjoy making videos such as this classic I did to John R. Butler’s, “Old Time God”.

Ha. Classic.

Anyhoo…

I really have no idea why I am writing this or where if anywhere, I am going with it. I guess we are a people who are taken with big, round numbers such as 1,300.

Numbers like that act as milestones, and oft times create a time of reflection and introspection.

I guess I saw that number and started to think about things. I have much optimism that something will come of the things I write, but at the same time, I spend my days worrying about things in the here and now.

I guess I was due for a little catharsis, and I thank you for listening.

So as not to end this post on a melancholy note, I will attempt to lighten things up by asking you to do something…

This post was primarily a self-absorbed post about what we have learned about me through the existence of Bagwine Ruminations; what is it that you don’t know?

Bring it on Bitches…Ask me anything you want. I’ll answer it right here, right now. I am certain that YOU guys can come up with some pretty damn funny questions.

Cheers!!

Individuality Is Fine...As Long As We All Do It Together

There is a blogospherical hate-fest afoot, and it is directed towards me…The Lovable Matt-Man.

It’s not so much a result of what I write on my site.

In fact, as hard as I try, I can’t seem to offend anyone while they’re reading Bagwine Ruminations…

(Well, except for our resident crazy commenter and blogsite bunny boiler, Nicole.)

No my friends, the hate of me is the result of the comments that I leave upon the sites of others.

Case in point…

I made a comment on Sarge Charlie’s site the other day about how Liberal talking heads like Keith “May I Kiss You on the Mouth, President Obama” Olbermann still bash Bush, and right wingers, like Glenn (Hitler and Jesus Had Alot in Common) Beck keep talking about 9/11.

I was merely making a point that people on either fringe can’t seem to shake their ideologies and move forward on our nation’s problems.

Ol’ Sarge made a short post about my comment and here are some the responses that have been directed towards moi.…

Amazing Gracie: I don't know why Sheila and Matt have to continue to come here and pass gas where we all can smell it!

It just gripes them that we aren't kissing their messiah's butt. I stay away from fights, as a rule, but rudeness cannot be tolerated. Grow up, folks!

As it stands, I still have free speech. Don't know if that will remain true and that's why we knuckle-draggin' conservatives are trying to save your collective necks!

Ha. “Grow Up?”, Gracie. I was far from rude, and I find it funny that you speak of Free Speech and yet, you prefer me to keep my mouth shut. How ironical!!

Someone needs to grow up alright, and it ain’t me, Gracie.

Here’s a classic…

Sandee (Comedy+): Who cares what he says? Just saying Sarge. He's never done anything worthwhile for his country. Well, except complain that is.

Ol’ Sandee, now there’s a piece of work. She should start something called the 4-M Club. Why?

Because she hates Mexicans, Muslims, and Matt-Man!! But, to her point…

I do plenty for my country. I pay taxes. I work. I help to raise a wonderful son. I vote. I help others whenever possible. And, I speak out both for and against things in which I believe.

And Mizz Bigot…I actually tried to join the USAF in 1988. However, I was not accepted.

Oh sure, I scored a 97 (out of 99) on the ASVAB or AFQT entrance test, but they DQ’d me…A TDQ for bronchitis and a PDQ because of eyesight.

I think they really said no because I mentioned an incident that took place in the early 80’s between my High School gym teacher Scrub Hubner, myself, a video camera, and a can of Gold Bond Medicated Powder.

What can I say? Back then, I was young and needed the money. But seriously…I do whatever I can, whenever I can for anyone, including my fellow Americans.

And, I do it without hating entire groups of people.

I hope someday Sandee gets a spontaneous hug from an American citizen of Mexican descent named Mohammed Juarez while standing on the steps of a Mosque.

Holy Crap…I’d pay to see that, but I would feel sorry for Mr. Juarez.

Anyhoo…

Two of the things that irk me in the blogsophere are when people back down from saying what they feel and act as a yes-man and when folks try to silence others when a point of view doesn’t fit into to their Bubble of Truth.

While the vast majority of people who visit here are left of center, I adore the few who voice the differing opinions on my site.

Differing opinions are good. They’re useful. And most of all, they’re just plain fun.

And keep in mind, when two people (or more) agree on everything, every time…one of them is unnecessary.

I must give a tip of the hat to Sarge. He didn’t try to shut me up. Hell, he gave me big shout out in order to attempt to mock my point.

I dig that…a lot.

Cheers!!

Choosy Female Bloggers Choose Matt-Man and Jay

Earlier this month, the hot, come-hither hippie, Meg, of Prefers Her Fantasy Life, named me as one of her ten Blog crushes.

I believe nine of her ten crushes were males.

I was quite honored, and needless to say, more than a bit aroused…by Meg, not the other eight guys you morons.

However…

In addition to enjoying Meg’s post, I was struck by one of the comments left by a female reader.

She said something to the effect, “I never read blogs by guys.”

It wasn’t in a nasty manner or anything like that, just a matter-of-fact statement.

I told Schmoop about the comment, to which Schmoop replied…

“Yeah, so? Neither do I. I mean other than yours, Jay’s, Dad Gone Mad, and once in awhile Rude Cactus, I only read blogs by women…mainly the Mommy Bloggers.”

As evidenced by the vast amount of sweet, steamy estrogen in the comment section of Bagwine Ruminations, some women do read Matt-Man, but…

After hearing Schmoop’s response...

I looked around and read blogs by women/mommies that draw incredible audiences, and they are comprised of nearly all women.

And I ruminated…

What is with the zealous, feminine loyalty of many women reading blogs by other women and mommies exclusively?

Now, I’m not knocking these bloggers.

Hell, I commend them for building followings larger than that of the echo produced by Lindsay Lohan’s hoo-ha while it’s being talked dirty to by a hot chick.

But man...

How many captions of cute family pictures, tales about green baby shit, and narratives on how some uptight wife had her feelings hurt because hubby said that her green beans were underdone, can one read?

Holy Crap!! Schmoop, and many other women, read this type of repetitive blog barf (from here on out, known as blarf) everyday and rarely venture on to the sweaty, semen stained turf of a male blog.

When I pressed her as to why, she said…

“I find that the majority of you men who blog, can’t spell, and have absolutely nothing to say.”

Unbelievable. Her statement leaves me in a state of confusion. If she is correct and yet, 80-90% of my readers are women what does that say about me? Or someone like Jay?

If we men have nothing to say that interest women, and yet they return time and time again, it says one thing, and one thing only…

Jay and I, are a couple of smokin’ hot pieces of man-meat whom the ladies simply cannot live without.

And yeah, I can live with that.

Cheers!!