Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Gutfeld, Carlson, and Camerota: The Holy Trinity Of The FOX News Channel

I watch the FOX News Channel often. I watch it for three reasons, which are as follows:

1. Alisyn Camerota.

2. Some of the personalities are funnier than hell.

And,

3. So you don’t have to.

Monday night I felt compelled to e-mail three FOX News Channel on-air personalities and personally let them know just how much I like them, and how much they brighten my day.

I contacted the following personalities via e-mail. Below, is a copy of the e-mail that I sent to each of them.

First up is Greg Gutfeld. Gutfeld hosts a show called Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld. The show airs at 3 A.M. in the morning with a repeat Sunday night/Monday morning at Midnight. It’s a “comedic” look at current news.

Gutfeld typically has various sexy news babes/pundits on as panelists along with his cohort and permanent panelist, “comedian” Bill Schulz. Here is my correspondence to one, Mr. Gutfeld…

Dear Mr. Gutfeld:

I watch your show at midnight every Sunday night/Monday morning. I dig it…well, sorta. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be a funny look at the news, but I think your show more accurately falls into that, “It’s so damn awful it’s good” genre of comedy.

It does bring back some wonderful memories. Every time I watch, I am reminded of the time that our fifth grade class at Simon Kenton Elementary School put on a production of, Hamlet. We didn’t know what we were doing, and we would laugh at each others’ tragic lines. Kinda like what you and your panelists do. Of course, we were only eleven year olds.

You were talking about Letterman having sex with his staff members on the show that I saw Sunday October 11th. Let me ask you? Are you having sex with your sidekick, Bill Schulz? I can’t see you keeping him on because of his non-existent comedic skills, so I figure his job is a result of some kind of sex thing you two have going on. If so, more power to you randy rascals.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!

Second Up? Fox and Friends weekday gal in the middle of the couch, Gretchen Carlson…

Dear Ms. Carlson:

I watch you during the week sometimes. You are really funny. I think it is uber-cool that you, a graduate of Stanford University, would allow yourself to spout out inane observations and non-sequitur takes on current events.

Those two mega-geniuses, Doocy and Kilmeade can be so dour, so I appreciate the way you act like you have absolutely no clue as to the world around you in order to keep things light.

I know you played the violin when you won the Miss America title. Take your violin and comedic skills to Vegas baby. You could be the next Henny, or should that be, Henrietta Youngman!!

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!


Lastly…My weekend morning source of teenage type tingling…Alisyn Camerota.

Dear Ms. Camerota:

I watch you every Saturday and Sunday morning. I am always captivated, charmed, and intoxicated by your beauty, humor, and intelligence.

You are a cable show triple threat, and I am your captive. While the FOX News Channel agenda and my political views may be polar opposites, you never fail to melt my personal ice cap.

I have done a few posts on my website, Bagwine Ruminations in honor of you, and have provided you with a few links to such. I hope you get a chance to read them. I can’t send you flowers but I can send you my words of adoration.

Tell Roger Ailes that I said that you deserve a huge raise, because Alisyn, you raise my interest every weekend morning.

Have a nice day, and if I can have an autographed picture, that would be great!!


I sent along my name, address, and phone number to each e-mail that I sent. I think I may get a call or e-mail back from one or all of them, or perhaps…a call or e-mail back from the legal team at FOX News.

Either way, we will become much closer…and I like that.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

Thanks for being so kind as to watch FOX so I don't have to ;-) I'm a CNN girl.

I hope Alisyn Camerota checks out your posts on her and comments.

Jay said...

Yeah, this would have been a lot more ballsy if you had done it when Bush was still in office. That way they could have just called up someone at Homeland Security and gotten you on a few lists.

Actually, I'm hoping that they read some crazy "I love you guys so much! You have such brilliant insights and are so smart!" email on the air and attribute it to you. LOL ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I am selfless that way. I hate to see my friends endure the pain that is FOX News, so I bear that cross for you. Cheers Mrs. D!!

Jay: I am sure they'll edit the emails so they sound like I dig them more than Jeebus hizzelf. well, I can hope anyway. Cheers Funny Man!!

People in the Sun said...

I try every once in a while, but I can't. The only Fox News I get nowadays is what the Daily Show gives me. I've never even seen that woman. I've seen Gretchen before, though. She's so funny in a kind of "How funny is it that our President is a Nazi Communist from Kenya who wants to kill our grandmas?" kind of way. And unfortunately, Red Eye always comes on when it's time for me to look at the hair on my testicles grow. If I knew in advance, I would have rescheduled!

Scott Oglesby said...

This was a great idea Matt-Man. If you’d throw in a little batshit crazy, I’ll bet they’d offer you a job. Did you send along a photo? You could always write back showing strong masochistic (ha, an oxymoron!) tendencies and they might even let you be the new Colmes! Or at the very least maybe they’d give you a tiny window with poor lighting for Bill O to interrupt and berate you. I would definitely join forces and work with you but unfortunately I have restraining orders from most of the networks, their affiliates, and their sponsors.

Keep up the good fight my brother!!

David said...

I find that I enjoy Fox news shows much more when I push the mute button on that handy remotey thingy.

I hope you get those autographed pics - Did you remember to specify you prefer them be nude? (except for Greg - I heard he never hits the gym.)

Cheers Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

PITS: Ha. You're a funny man, and you're dead on as far as Carlson goes. As for Alisy? Oh Baby, shr really does all of those things for me. Mmmmmmmmm, Alysin. Cheers PITS!!

Scott: Hee Hee. I hadn't e-mailed anyone like tha tin awhile. It's always fun to see if I get a response. We'll see. Hell, Scott, they could just put my name on the screen during one of their shows, I not show up, and it would be just as effective as Colmes actually being there. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

David: I didn't specify that they had to be nude. However, if Alisyn reads the links of tributes to her, she'll quickly understand that a nude picture would be my preference. Cheers David!!

Dana said...

You know Matt, they might just have to frame your emails. After all, they can't possibly have more than one stalker ... ummm ... fan ...

Micky-T said...

I try to endure at least one night a week and watch FOX News, I don't always make it.

Tell me.....what's up with Joe in the mornings Starbuck? Somethings bothering him big time.

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Oh I'm sure there are more than myself out there, but...No one stalks them with more charm and words of good will. Cheers Dana!!

Mick: Joe is always irritated at some point. That's one of things I like abut him, his irritation isn't maufactured. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...in my world the Tee Vee is good for only three things: Local news, baseball playoffs and Seinfeld...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I don't totally disagree, but watching Fox News during the Christmas season and seeing the heads of their blabbering hosts like Carlson explode during Christmas Season because of the "War on Christmas" is funnier than hell too. Almost Seinfeld funny...almost. Cheers P-Man!!

snugs said...

You really out did yourself on this one!! Ya know there is an author that I am very fond of that you sort of remind me of...Carl Hiasen, one of my favorites of his is "Sick Puppy". You rellay ought to check him out if you enjoy reading.

snugs said...

I can't spell today :)

Bond said...

Well, we enjoyed reading your blog, but I am afraid the Fox news Hit team will be sent to your home and you will disappear very soon...

We will miss you matty

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: I'll check him out, and thanks for the tip. And please...spelling doesn't count here. Cheers Snugs!!

Bond: Maybe Bill-O will send oneof his producers to ambush me. You know, because O'Lielly is too big of a pussy to do it hizzelf. Cheers Vin!!

Lu' said...

He who does not speak will not be heard.

Hey turtle neck, turtle sign; kismet :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. Or is that kissssssssssssmet? Mmmwha. Cheers Lu!!

Lu' said...

Ooh la la and that's french isn't it...

VE said...

Alisyn Camerota is only two buttons away in that picture from my entire admiration...

katherine. said...

the best thing about FOX is "Miller Time" on O'Reilly.

They are gonna start a file on you Mateo....no...wait...

they are going to add this one to the file they keep on you.

Michele said...

That is so classy of you to ask for an autographed photo. I can't wait to hear if they respond. Remember to pull the Camerota photo away fast enough. You'd hate to have them stick together.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Yes...it's a French Kiss. Cheers Lu!!

VE: No Kidding...I want to unbutton that picture. Cheers VE!!

Kat: I was disappoiinted. I only got one hit from FNC today. I am sooo dissed. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Good advice...I in no way way want Alisyn sticking to those two freaks. Cheers Michele!!

Anonymous said...

See Gutfeld's response here about 40: 18 in at http://www.hulu.com/watch/103874/red-eye-thu-oct-15-2009#x-0,vepisode,1,0