Friday, December 18, 2009

Al-Hijra: Happy Islamic New Year!!

Shoot those fireworks and bang those pots and pans Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!!

Wait a minute…pots and pans? Fireworks? Muslims? Let’s start over…

Fire off those AK-47s and detonate those IEDs Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!! Yeah, that’s more like it.

Today, Muslims around the world will be entering another new year filled with the same old bitterness, self-loathing, and not knowing the joy of eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Al-Hijra marks the day that the prophet Mohammed (or is that, Muhammad?) migrated to the city of Medina. While Al-Hijra is not a big day of celebration for the Muslims, it is a day that began a tenet and belief among many Muslims.

You see, when Mohammed arrived in Medina after a long, hot journey, not only was he hungry and thirsty, the schismatic bastard was hornier than hell.

He stopped at each tea house, brothel, and every 7th Century al-Disco club that he could find. He would say to the ladies, “Wanna come back to my place and watch me talk to God?”

Oh yeah baby…Mohammed or Muhammad, whatever, was killin’ with the Arabian babes. He took a slew of them for a Magic Mohammed Carpet Ride. By the break of dawn the next morning..?

Mohammed had done the nasty in camel style with six dozen hot, saucy Saudi chicks. Upon pulling his Muslim Meat Ka-Bob from the last of the six dozen babes he looked skyward and screamed:

“Praise be to Allah; I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven!!”

That is why today, Muslim men think that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to heaven and be received by 72 virgins.

But, other than that and like I said, the Islamic New Year is not a big deal to most Muslims.

Some mark it by drinking a special tea, others with a small gift, but most Muslims simply celebrate the day by taking the only bath that they'll have all year.

I guess it would be difficult for many Muslims ‘round the world to get excited about a new year. I mean, they know it will be just like the last...

A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches, no alcohol, and the only entertainment is to listen to the incoherent wailing and shrieking of Islamic music on the radio.

Yeah, I can see their indifference to this holiday.

Hell they don’t even have a Baby New Year like we do in here in the States…

Isn’t he cute? Of course if the Islamic world did have a Baby New Year to mark this day, he’d wear his diaper a little differently…

Anyhoo…To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none, Happy Al-Hijra. May all of your wildest dreams come true and your flocks be reproductive.

And now for something completely different…

I will finally get to watch Ryno play tonight. His High School JV basketball team takes to the floor at 6 P.M., and I will be there to root him on.

How will I know which player he is? Because he will look exactly like this…

Boo Yah…What a King of the Court he be.

Cheers!!


P.S. Was it wrong of me to have sent a link of this post to the Royal Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C? I don't want to start an international incident or anything. Just asking...

26 comments:

Doc said...

LOL - A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches... HA!

Hey Matt-Man - I have taken after you today and posted a controversial religion post... Check it out when you get a second.

Have a great weekend.

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Hee Hee. Very Good, Doc. I shall be right over. Cheers!!

David said...

Yum....a BLT - I gotta go fry up some bacon now. Happy Al-Hijra. I'm glad all those muslimists are not sucking up the tasty ham and bacon - more for me.

Go Ryno!! Score big...on the court, of course.

Matt-Man said...

David: Mmmmmmm. Bacon. I talked to Ryno this morning and told him that I'd be there. He promised to sink a three pointer for me. Cheers David!!

Joker_SATX said...

You forgot that they will be drinking Fizzy-Bubble-a along with that hummus.

Good post today Matt-man...I like a man who recognizes different belief systems.

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Wow. Talk about a mix going on in one's stomach. I not only recognize other beliefs, I embrace them...in my own special way.

Stopped by your site today. I'll be sure to register soon so I can comment. Cheers Joker!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...there are times I would kill for a good BLT....

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: What sane, right thinking person wouldn't it? Cheers P-Man!!

Lu' said...

HA HA HA! Their baby New Year HA HA HA and likewise the dirt and hummus sammy :) I truely and chuckling out loud.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha!! The diaper on the head picture was a lucky, Allah- inspired find on Google images. It was perfect. Cheers Lu!!

3 Men and a Lady said...

Hee hee, there's probably a bounty on your head in Saudi Arabia right now. If you saw my comment on Doc's blog, right after I posted it I thought "oh Matt will probably do something like that today" (about Muslims), lol.

And you did. Equal mocking for all religions, it'd be rude to leave them out ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Lady: Ha. I contacted the Saudi Embassy just minutes ago. I wished them all a Happy Al-Hijra and linked them to this post. I hope they appreciate it.

And you're right...To leave them out, would be just plain rude...or something. Cheers D!!

Jay said...

"To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none,"

And it's a complete freaking mystery as to why! LOL ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. And you once again, have picked up on the subtlety of my humor. Cheers Funny Man!!

terri said...

I can totally hear Achmed the Dead Terrorist telling this story just as you've written it!

Matt-Man said...

Terri: Ha. And then after he related the story to his buddies he would say:

"Now, Go Kill the Man Who Wrote It...Avenge Allah, My Brothers!!"

Thanks for stopping by and Cheers, Terri!!

David said...

By the by Matt-Man -

I never knew the story behind the 72 virgins blather. Thanks for educating me about the Muhammad dude being a serial rapist...well, that is judgemental, those Saudi bitches might have been eager to rip off their burkas and get pumped.

I walked by the Saudi Embassy just last night on my way to the KenCen. It sits right between the Watergate and the KenCen. It looks very ominous at night but that's ok as long as they keep pumping that oil.

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: I am glad to help out in the area of your religious knowledge.

Mohammed didn't rape them. He he merely offered them a breakfast of a McDonald's Sausage Egg McMuffin if they slept with him. Mmmmmm.

Those Saudis...Gotta love 'em. Must be nice to have carte blanche when it comes to human rights when one is pumping oil to the masses. Cheers David!!

VE said...

I can't believe I haven't been here for a couple of weeks. What the hell have I been doing?

Can I get an advance on my 72 virgins?

Matt-Man said...

VE: Well, that's okay. I haven't been in here in a quite awhile myself. I hope everything is working out for ya. Cheers Funny Guy!!

Bond said...

burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp

just ate a big old BLT and the grease from the bacon is still on my chin as I type this out...

Merry Christmas Matt and Schmoop

Maybe 2010 will find us meeting for real

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Good for you. We have no bacon in the house, dammit. Merry Christmas to you and your family, Vinny. Cheers!!

Four Dinners said...

You? International incident? Don't be silly....

...oh dear....

Oddly no noticeable celebrations around here.

The management has had the audacity to suggest they think I'm walking the streets looking for it.

Not entirely sure what she means be 'it'....;-)

Michele said...

How about I not tell JR about the 72 virgins? At my age I don't need the competition.

Go Ryno!

Matt-Man said...

Four: Well whatever "it" is. I hope you found "it." A little "it" is good for everyone. Cheers FD!!

Michele: I think JR would make a fine addition to Team Islam. Cheers Michele!!

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