Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Koran Burning and Pigskin

It’s going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Partly cloudy and 76 degrees. Ahhhh, kind of a mix between Fall and Summer. I deem today to be the beginning of Fummer.

And you know what else begins today…That’s right, the NFL season. Boooo-Yah!!

Okay it really began Thursday, but that was only one game, and Brett Favre played in that game…

And since the old fucking prima donna who throws more interceptions than he does grow whiskers never really practiced with the Vikings during the pre-season, it was like a pre-season game so it doesn’t really count.

Speaking of football…Notre Dame lost to Michigan yesterday 28-24, but I wasn’t completely sorrowful.

At least Notre Dame didn’t completely suck, and it looks as though they may not be embarrassingly awful this year.

On the downside of things, Schmoop’s uterus is up to its monthly hijinx. All shedding the lining, discharging unfertilized eggs, and what not.

So, Matty-Boy ain’t havin’ sex anytime soon. Well, at least not with an actual person. Bummer. Oh well, as I mentioned, there’s always football to watch.

It will be enjoyable swilling some beer and tossin’ back some snacks while the Fummer air circulates through the digs while football is on, and Schmoop is doubled over in pain and drooling.

It has all the making of a Norman Rockwell painting titled: Fummer Comes to Bagwine.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sund---

Oh Hell, wait just a minute sports fans…there’s one other thing taking place today as well.

Jayman and I will be doing our Blog Talk Radio Show, I’m With Stupid, today at 11 AM EDT.

If you’re not going to church today, tune into us, listen, and by God, call in!!

We’re going to be talking about Koran burning, pigskin, Pastor Terry Jones, and pulled pork sammiches.

It promises to be more fun than screwing 72 virgins on the 50 yard line of the Superdome.

Here’s the link to the Show Page, creatively titled: Link to the Show Page!!

Have a wonderful Sunday all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Our show has beem rescheduled for 1 PM EDT. Listen in Bitches...or not!!

Let's Boycott The Muslims...Or Not

Sometimes…

I think of myself, and all of humanity, in the way God, if He or She exists, thinks of us.

And lately, how could I not think of Him in terms of the proposed Islamic Cultural Center/Mosque near ground zero?

Some folks believe that the proposed Cultural Center should not be built. Some say it should be further away.

I have heard the argument, that unless Saudi Arabia and other Arab nations permit churches and synagogues in their country, why should we allow the building of this proposed mosque, cultural center, Muslim YMCA, whatever?

If that's a problem, I say let's not buy oil from Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf countries....Ha Ha Ha Ha..kidding, of course...that's crazy talk!!

I have also heard that the dirty Muslims and the Imam in question, should compromise and move their and specifically, his, proposed building further away from “Ground Zero”.

When I think about this conundrum and possible compromises, I think…What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus would never back down, no matter how much shit he got.

He would continue to cure the blind. He would resurrect Lazarus. He would say…

“Persecute me all you want, and kill me while you're at it; I shall not perish.”

The building of this Islamic Center “at ground zero” has taken on more ugliness that it ever should have, but the ugliness is there.

And, while it is here, let me say something…

If Jesus Christ came to New York City or Anywhere, USA today, and wanted to build a Church?

He would say…

“If sinners are congregations, I am going to have the largest following ever…Unless, they want to listen to my message.”

Cheers!!

A Mosque Around Ground Zero? Fuck That!!

So…

Some towel heads want to build a mosque near the sacred ground where the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center towers once stood.

Sean “I Don’t Wear a Wedding Ring” Hannity and Michelle “If You Want To Chill Your Beer, Put It Between My Legs” Malkin, and other right wing knuckleheads are up in arms about this.

Me?

I really don’t give a shit.

Hell, put up a Baskin-Robbins for all I care. It’s just a piece of ground that some time ago got vaporized by some hateful nut jobs.

But…let me ask you this…If a Christian Church wanted to build a facility in the area would that be okay? Of course it would, because…

Christianity is where it’s at…or so Christians think, especially those of the Fundamentalist favor…and fervor.

I am a Christian, but you know what? I dislike many Christians because, well…many have some warped sense of Christianity.

In fact, many Christians have an incredibly fucked up take on Christianity, just as many Muslims have a fucked up view of Islam.

I know, Mohammed was a crazy man who allegedly was talked to by God (he was probably drunk on camel piss), and we Christians know his story not to be true.

And Mohammed, set forth this entire Muslim thing that just fucks up the world of Christianity, and the lives of every living, breathing, freedom loving American.

Anyhoo…

A mosque near the site of the 9-11 attack would be a thorn in the eye of our God. After all, God likes America best…at least that’s what I hear.

What a joke…God likes people based on their own merits, not their religious or political affiliation. And if I am wrong, and He doesn‘t, that’s not a God I give a damn about.

But, back to my original point…

Why do Americans, and people throughout the world feel the need to build memorials?

My mom and dad didn’t die in a horrific act of terrorism, but they are no less dead, and I am sure I miss them just as much as those who lost family who died in the 9/11 attacks.

Why can’t we just miss, honor, and celebrate the lives of those we miss without circus or cultural hyperbole?

Why can’t death be a solemn event of passing and tribute without political debate and posturing?

And…

Why can’t all religions be taken as faith and not as fact? After all…

Faith is much more powerful than fact, and to deny that, is to deny a very fundamental fact of life.

Cheers!!

Al-Hijra: Happy Islamic New Year!!

Shoot those fireworks and bang those pots and pans Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!!

Wait a minute…pots and pans? Fireworks? Muslims? Let’s start over…

Fire off those AK-47s and detonate those IEDs Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!! Yeah, that’s more like it.

Today, Muslims around the world will be entering another new year filled with the same old bitterness, self-loathing, and not knowing the joy of eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Al-Hijra marks the day that the prophet Mohammed (or is that, Muhammad?) migrated to the city of Medina. While Al-Hijra is not a big day of celebration for the Muslims, it is a day that began a tenet and belief among many Muslims.

You see, when Mohammed arrived in Medina after a long, hot journey, not only was he hungry and thirsty, the schismatic bastard was hornier than hell.

He stopped at each tea house, brothel, and every 7th Century al-Disco club that he could find. He would say to the ladies, “Wanna come back to my place and watch me talk to God?”

Oh yeah baby…Mohammed or Muhammad, whatever, was killin’ with the Arabian babes. He took a slew of them for a Magic Mohammed Carpet Ride. By the break of dawn the next morning..?

Mohammed had done the nasty in camel style with six dozen hot, saucy Saudi chicks. Upon pulling his Muslim Meat Ka-Bob from the last of the six dozen babes he looked skyward and screamed:

“Praise be to Allah; I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven!!”

That is why today, Muslim men think that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to heaven and be received by 72 virgins.

But, other than that and like I said, the Islamic New Year is not a big deal to most Muslims.

Some mark it by drinking a special tea, others with a small gift, but most Muslims simply celebrate the day by taking the only bath that they'll have all year.

I guess it would be difficult for many Muslims ‘round the world to get excited about a new year. I mean, they know it will be just like the last...

A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches, no alcohol, and the only entertainment is to listen to the incoherent wailing and shrieking of Islamic music on the radio.

Yeah, I can see their indifference to this holiday.

Hell they don’t even have a Baby New Year like we do in here in the States…

Isn’t he cute? Of course if the Islamic world did have a Baby New Year to mark this day, he’d wear his diaper a little differently…

Anyhoo…To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none, Happy Al-Hijra. May all of your wildest dreams come true and your flocks be reproductive.

And now for something completely different…

I will finally get to watch Ryno play tonight. His High School JV basketball team takes to the floor at 6 P.M., and I will be there to root him on.

How will I know which player he is? Because he will look exactly like this…

Boo Yah…What a King of the Court he be.

Cheers!!

P.S. Was it wrong of me to have sent a link of this post to the Royal Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C? I don't want to start an international incident or anything. Just asking...

Mohammed: Prophet of Punchlines

As promised, I am posting some Muslim humor today. However, the humor isn’t actually mine.

Allah’s prophet, Mohammed, stopped by last night, in quite the fortuitous moment, and we chatted.

The Mohammed-Man is embarking upon a tour of the U.S. in order to instill good will among those idiots folks who think all Muslims are evil.

His choice of good will tactic?

Stand-Up Comedy…although he kneels on a prayer rug as he does it.

So Ladies and Gents, Bagwine Ruminations welcomes, the Prophet Mohammed!! Take it away my good man.

Thank you very much Matt-Man. Oh my goodness gracious, I am very wonderful to be here…

Folks, I just flew in from Baghdad, and boy is my carpet dirty. Baghdad isn’t too bad of a place. I’ve been worse places…

For Allah’s sake, I spent a week in Mecca one night. Bada bin-Bing!!

Knock-Knock…Who’s there?

Allah…Allah Who?

Allahst the combination to the lock on my weapons cache, and can’t blow anyone up!!

Ha. How many of you are from out of village? I am from out of village.

In fact, I was at airport a few minutes ago when a Muslim guy came up to me and said, “Hey Mohammed, that’s a sexy virgin ya got there.”

I said, “That’s no virgin; that’s my wife!!”

I find myself bathed in the goat’s milk of hilariousness, and if this takes off, I may try a movie career.

My new curvy, American friend Starrlight suggested a couple of good Muslim-Themed cinematic offerings:

I could star with that Jew boy Billy Crystal in a movie called, “Throw Mullah From the Train.”

Or, I could hook up with Stephen King in an Islamic horror movie titled, “Children of the Koran.”

I was thinking maybe I could do a film about the 1981 Israeli sneak attack on the Iraqi nuclear reactor and call it, “Torah, Torah, Torah.” Bada bin-Bing!!

Then, I thought that I could very much capitalize by doing an Islamic pornographic martial arts movie named, “Crouching Virgin, Hidden Falafel.”

Unfortunately, I really don’t have the face for the very large screen…

In fact, I was so ugly when born, that the Doctor slapped my mother…And then they stoned her to death!!

I was so ugly when young, that they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

The dog finally played with me, ate the pork chop, and then they killed puppy for violating Islamic food Law. Bada bin-Bing!!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Imam walk into a bar. The Priest orders whiskey; the Rabbi orders wine; and the Imam orders their beheading!!

I never understood the Ottoman Empire. No wonder it collapsed; it was based upon a foot stool. Ha!!

Before I go, I want to thank my brother Ahmed for helping to finance my good will tour. Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…

He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!

Thank you for your time…Tip your scantily clad infidel waitress, and Praise Jeebus!!!

Ha, just kidding.

Cheers!!

Barack Obama: His Name Just Don't Sound 'Merican

Tonight, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debate in Cleveland, and one week from today I will be voting in the Ohio Democrat Primary.

Initially, I fully supported Senator Joe Biden for President, but he dropped out long ago. So, it now comes down to Obama and Clinton.

While not having any kind of fire in my belly while doing so, I will be voting for H-Rod.

I’m not a big fan of Obama, but I will say this, he has been subjected to some of the most idiotic and ill-informed attacks ever leveled against a Presidential candidate.

The attacks both amuse and frighten me.

A few examples of this, I now offer…

If you live within a few hundred miles of Cincinnati, Ohio, between 12:20 and 3:00 in the afternoon, you can listen to Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW AM radio during the week.

Cunningham is a radio talk show host full of right wing schtick, and political red meat for rednecks.

Willie, as he is known around here, gets very high ratings, but the collective IQ of his listeners who call into his show, run in indirect proportion to those ratings.

Sadly, most of these callers live within an hour of lovely Bagwine, Ohio.

The comments made by these callers confirm that eating grain fed beef while drinking Wild Irish Rose does produce a detrimental effect on one’s mind.

Willie’s show is filled with talk about Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim.

I really don’t give a crap if the guy is a practicing Aardvark worshipper, but for the record, Obama is not a Muslim; he’s Christian.

Willie and his flock say that Obama was raised a Muslim and attended one of them there madrasas.

Well, Obama, did attend school, and since "madrasa" is the Arabic word for school, any type of school, they may be on to something.

The truth is that Obama attended elementary school while living in Indonesia. He went to a school for awhile that was full of Muslims.

Which makes sense since Indonesia has a Muslim population that is even larger than Rachel Ray’s ass.

Hell, the impressive thing to me is that Obama also attended, and survived a Catholic school while there. Can you picture an Indonesian Nun?

Screw getting hit with a ruler, they probably use steel reinforced rattan canes to beat the kids.

I also hear that this picture shows that Obama refused to place his hand on his heart while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Not true.

In the picture shown, it is the Star Spangled Banner being played at the time it was taken.

I don’t put my hand on my heart when our National Anthem is played.

If at a ball game, I merely take off my hat, sing off key, and mangle the lyrics as mustard from my hot dog drips from my chin.

That may be true too Matt-Man, but Obama didn’t put his hand on the Bible when he was sworn in. Yes, he did.

But seriously, I really don’t care if had he placed his hand on the Bible, the Quran, or a copy of SCREW magazine. None of these reads can counteract the stupid of any lawmaker.

I am not voting for Barack Obama, but not because of any of these baseless rumors.

I will not vote for Obama because he is black…and there is no way in hell that I am voting for one of them there niggras.

Kidding of course, but I am sure that there are plenty of morons who call Willie Cunningham’s radio show that think that way.

No, the real reason I will not be voting for Obama is the following…

When he gives a well delivered speech that conjures up visions of majestic, amber, waves of grain, all I see is a man who is long on chaff and short on wheat.

Cheers!!