Al-Hijra: Happy Islamic New Year!!

Shoot those fireworks and bang those pots and pans Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!!

Wait a minute…pots and pans? Fireworks? Muslims? Let’s start over…

Fire off those AK-47s and detonate those IEDs Bitches, today is Al-Hijra, the Islamic New Year!! Yeah, that’s more like it.

Today, Muslims around the world will be entering another new year filled with the same old bitterness, self-loathing, and not knowing the joy of eating a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich.

Al-Hijra marks the day that the prophet Mohammed (or is that, Muhammad?) migrated to the city of Medina. While Al-Hijra is not a big day of celebration for the Muslims, it is a day that began a tenet and belief among many Muslims.

You see, when Mohammed arrived in Medina after a long, hot journey, not only was he hungry and thirsty, the schismatic bastard was hornier than hell.

He stopped at each tea house, brothel, and every 7th Century al-Disco club that he could find. He would say to the ladies, “Wanna come back to my place and watch me talk to God?”

Oh yeah baby…Mohammed or Muhammad, whatever, was killin’ with the Arabian babes. He took a slew of them for a Magic Mohammed Carpet Ride. By the break of dawn the next morning..?

Mohammed had done the nasty in camel style with six dozen hot, saucy Saudi chicks. Upon pulling his Muslim Meat Ka-Bob from the last of the six dozen babes he looked skyward and screamed:

“Praise be to Allah; I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven!!”

That is why today, Muslim men think that if they die in the name of Allah they will go to heaven and be received by 72 virgins.

But, other than that and like I said, the Islamic New Year is not a big deal to most Muslims.

Some mark it by drinking a special tea, others with a small gift, but most Muslims simply celebrate the day by taking the only bath that they'll have all year.

I guess it would be difficult for many Muslims ‘round the world to get excited about a new year. I mean, they know it will be just like the last...

A diet of dirt and hummus sandwiches, no alcohol, and the only entertainment is to listen to the incoherent wailing and shrieking of Islamic music on the radio.

Yeah, I can see their indifference to this holiday.

Hell they don’t even have a Baby New Year like we do in here in the States…

Isn’t he cute? Of course if the Islamic world did have a Baby New Year to mark this day, he’d wear his diaper a little differently…

Anyhoo…To all of my Muslim friends out there, of which I have none, Happy Al-Hijra. May all of your wildest dreams come true and your flocks be reproductive.

And now for something completely different…

I will finally get to watch Ryno play tonight. His High School JV basketball team takes to the floor at 6 P.M., and I will be there to root him on.

How will I know which player he is? Because he will look exactly like this…

Boo Yah…What a King of the Court he be.

Cheers!!

P.S. Was it wrong of me to have sent a link of this post to the Royal Saudi Embassy in Washington, D.C? I don't want to start an international incident or anything. Just asking...

Mohammed: Prophet of Punchlines

As promised, I am posting some Muslim humor today. However, the humor isn’t actually mine.

Allah’s prophet, Mohammed, stopped by last night, in quite the fortuitous moment, and we chatted.

The Mohammed-Man is embarking upon a tour of the U.S. in order to instill good will among those idiots folks who think all Muslims are evil.

His choice of good will tactic?

Stand-Up Comedy…although he kneels on a prayer rug as he does it.

So Ladies and Gents, Bagwine Ruminations welcomes, the Prophet Mohammed!! Take it away my good man.

Thank you very much Matt-Man. Oh my goodness gracious, I am very wonderful to be here…

Folks, I just flew in from Baghdad, and boy is my carpet dirty. Baghdad isn’t too bad of a place. I’ve been worse places…

For Allah’s sake, I spent a week in Mecca one night. Bada bin-Bing!!

Knock-Knock…Who’s there?

Allah…Allah Who?

Allahst the combination to the lock on my weapons cache, and can’t blow anyone up!!

Ha. How many of you are from out of village? I am from out of village.

In fact, I was at airport a few minutes ago when a Muslim guy came up to me and said, “Hey Mohammed, that’s a sexy virgin ya got there.”

I said, “That’s no virgin; that’s my wife!!”

I find myself bathed in the goat’s milk of hilariousness, and if this takes off, I may try a movie career.

My new curvy, American friend Starrlight suggested a couple of good Muslim-Themed cinematic offerings:

I could star with that Jew boy Billy Crystal in a movie called, “Throw Mullah From the Train.”

Or, I could hook up with Stephen King in an Islamic horror movie titled, “Children of the Koran.”

I was thinking maybe I could do a film about the 1981 Israeli sneak attack on the Iraqi nuclear reactor and call it, “Torah, Torah, Torah.” Bada bin-Bing!!

Then, I thought that I could very much capitalize by doing an Islamic pornographic martial arts movie named, “Crouching Virgin, Hidden Falafel.”

Unfortunately, I really don’t have the face for the very large screen…

In fact, I was so ugly when born, that the Doctor slapped my mother…And then they stoned her to death!!

I was so ugly when young, that they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

The dog finally played with me, ate the pork chop, and then they killed puppy for violating Islamic food Law. Bada bin-Bing!!

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Imam walk into a bar. The Priest orders whiskey; the Rabbi orders wine; and the Imam orders their beheading!!

I never understood the Ottoman Empire. No wonder it collapsed; it was based upon a foot stool. Ha!!

Before I go, I want to thank my brother Ahmed for helping to finance my good will tour. Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…

He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!

Thank you for your time…Tip your scantily clad infidel waitress, and Praise Jeebus!!!

Ha, just kidding.

Cheers!!