Sunday, December 13, 2009

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Matt-Man Drivel

It’s going to be a gray and wet Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio. Fortunately, the temp will be in the mid-30’s so my 11-7 shift in the Beer Mine will be quite bearable.

Praise Jeebus!!

My weekend postings have taken on more of a personal flavor of late and that’s cool. I think I’ll continue to use Saturday and Sunday to just talk about what’s going on in the world of Matt-Man and the Bagwine area.

Ryno’s JV basketball team won Friday night 45-34. Once again Ryno started and played nearly the entire game.

The boy while pretty good at sinking the 3 point shot, has turned into a 160 pound defensive juggernaut.

No matter the size of the opposing team’s best player, Ryno is the one assigned to cover him when playing man-to-man defense.

Ryno had a good game once again although he only took two shots during the hard fought 28 minute contest. His stats for the game:

3 points (He made 1 of 2 from 3 point range)
9 rebounds
5 assists
1 block
5 steals

Ryno is becoming the kind of player Bobby Knight would dig. Defense, Baby, Defense…Here’s to ya, Ryno.

I hope everyone’s shopping for Christmas is going well. Mine is nearly done, for I have no money with which to do any, which makes it quite easy.

I do have to figure out something to get Ryno and something for him to give his mom, but other than that my family peeps are getting cards.

If Pizza Bill has time, I am going to see if he can make Schmoop and I one of his fan-damn-tastic pizzas for Christmas Day. (Yes Bill, I will pay you. Jeez.)

And that be it, Bitches. This kinda thing makes me uncomfortable, but what can ya do? It sucks, but things happen and on the upside, next Christmas can only be better. So, Boo Yah.

Schmoop and I, talked to Bagwine buddy Jay last night. As usual, the Cynical Bastard was drunker than hell when we called…oh wait, it was Schmoop and I that were shit-faced. Anyhoo…

Schmoop has always been taken by our favorite Viking Helmeted He-Man and would gladly shack up with him, so I asked Jay, “Do you know what the only thing is that is keeping Schmoop away from you?”

Cleverly, Jay responded, “You?” Ha. “No”, I replied, “it’s fact that you live in Arkansas. She doesn‘t do Arkansas.”

Anyway, Jay brought up the fact that it would be nice to have Schmoop’s schedule so he would know when she is home alone, and he could talk to her without me being around.

I figured that perhaps not only Jay, but other horny men would enjoy having that info, so in the way that God gave us his only Son, I give to you Schmoop’s “Home Alone” schedule.

Sunday: 11 A.M.- 8:15 P.M.

Monday: 4:30 P.M.-9:15 P.M.

Tuesday: 4:30 P.M.-9:15 P.M.

Wednesday: 4:30 P.M.-7:00 P.M.

Thursday and Friday: Sorry, I am home all day, but I do usually pass out by 7:15 P.M. so, there’s an opening for ya.

Saturday: I typically work 11-4, but you have to catch her early in the day. And I mean EARLY. She drinks a lot on Saturday, and then she eats like a pig and goes to sleep after watching "Keeping Up Appearances".

Hey Jay!? Feel free to sell our phone number to anyone who wants it. Make all the money you can off of it, buddy.

So there you have it you fans of Schmoop. You can thank me at your convenience.

Amen, and Amen…

Enjoy your Sunday and as always…



Jeff B said...

I'll look in my Monopoly game and see if I can find a "Get out of Arkansas Free" card for Jay

David said...

As hot as Schmoop is (and she is), I don't move in on someone else's territory but I do NEED to know - what makes Pizza Bills fan-damn-tastic pizzas so fan-damn-tastic? I be lovin' me some good pizza.

Jay said...

There's something pretty hilarious about people living in Ohio ragging on Arkansas. I've been to Ohio. LOL ;-)

Thanks for the schedule. That makes stalking much easier. Cooperative stalkees are always appreciated.

Clay Perry said...


Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. No one ever leaves Arkansas, not free anyway. Cheers Jeff!!

David: It's the tender loving care that Bil---Oh fuck that. They're huge, the meat is poifect, and most of all...the sauce. It's killer. Cheers David!!

Jay: Hee. Hee. Parts of Ohio are no different than the backwoods of Ar-Kansas. And you're welcome...we like to help out whenever possible. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Ha. That's a big laugh my good man. Cheers Clay!!

David said...

The secret to the pizza you love is the meat and the sauce...hmmm....wait just a minute.

Meat...sauce....oh my.

Matt-Man said...

David: I do have an incredible oral fixation thing going on. Cheers David!!

Dana said...

I hope everyone’s shopping for Christmas is going well.

My Christmas shopping is much like yours ... easy to get done when the budget is ... well ... spent on the necessities!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Eh, so be it. You've already gotten your present anyway. Cheers Dana!!

Marilyn said...

My shopping is about like yours, except the only thing my ex and I give each other is heartburn. Now that Jasmine's a bit older I buy ingredients and she makes her dad cookies, which works out for everyone. Jasmine will probably make me a card or something too... And that's really cool. Especially as I'm saving them to show to her dates when she's older.