Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Jesus Betrayed By a Kiss And Jews Are Running Amok

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…

I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.

After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.

I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

3 Men and a Lady said...

I don't trust that pope at all. There's just something about his face.... he puts out a bad vibe. I didn't think that about the last guy.

Matt-Man said...

Lady: I think he's not only creepy but he's a creep, and perhaps, even a criminal. Cheers D!!

Clay Perry said...

of all the sagas unfolding in the world, the ongoing events of priests fucking children and still being alive and thriving in their "god appointed" professions just leaves me speechless... too think of the brazen effrontery the hierarchy of the catholic church is currently displaying fills me with a surety of soul that vacitan city is open to all the public to simply walk in and take anything they feel like they may want, and not have any questions be asked of them or their actions. from this offense of currently sitting priests and their administration, there is no other action that is acceptable other than death. there is no defense that can be made of these men that have stolen the one thing from a child that children should hold onto longer than any other.. their innocence.

Charlene said...

We are the stupid lambs for trusting Boy scout leaders and the Vatican with out children. I do not understand how people who are supposed to know what is right and wrong can keep the secret of child sexual abuse secret.

Matt-Man said...

Clay: I agree whole-heartedly. It is among those most heinous of crimes and I think the current Pope has been shown to have glossed things over like they're a family matter. However...

I am just nota proponent of the death penalty...for anything. To me, death is the easy way out for a murderer, rapist, molester, etc. Cheers Clay!!

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: I don't think people are stupid for trusting others in that situation, they have faith in people, and I understand that. Unfortunately faith and trust can hurt others.

And yeah...The entire secrets of transfers, cover-ups, and hush-hush, is despicable. Especially from an institution based on Gawd and His Son. Cheers Charlene!!

Jay said...

You know what? This really isn't the way they taught all this stuff to me in bible school at the Methodist Church when I was a kid. But, Methodists have been known to drink and make shit up. So, that's probably what happened. Thanks for clearing it all up for me finally. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Blogger is doing weird things with my comments...Can you see this?

Pfffft, Methodists....All they do is talk, sing song or two, and collect money where's the love? Of course they have to drink and make stuff up. John Wesley was a boring fucker. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

WTF? I answered Charlene and Clay and it ain't showin' up. Am I cursed?

Just Words On A Page said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and I love your blog. I am laughing outloud -- you remind me truly of George Carlin

Matt-Man said...

JWOP: Ha...Why thak you very much; high praise indeed. I shall make a habit of stopping by. Thanks for the comment and Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Let me try this again...

Clay: I agree with you whole-heartedly other than the death penalty thing. I think that is an easy way out. Evryday in prison looking over your shoulder is far worse. Cheers Clay!!

Charlene: I understand why people trust and have faith but sometimes it hurts. But for someone in a position of faith and trust who abuses it, is one of the most despicable people around. Cheers Charlene!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...Now my comment to Jay has disappeared, WTF is going on?

David said...

Aside from that whole part the red sea mythology - here's what I want to know. Since the Jews were reportedly the Pharoah's slaves, where the hell did they get all those spring lambs so they could smear that blood on the doors? And since when do slaves have front doors? 'splain that Lucy!

Scott Oglesby said...

Aside from David’s very astute point, this story is just too much for me….even for the fairy tale that it is. Why would the authors of ‘Christianity’ want to paint the almighty, all merciful God as a baby killer? If God is all powerful, why didn’t he just cut the big toes off of all the slave owners, so they couldn’t give chase? Dude, killing babies (especially after the third trimester hahaha) is just so wrong!

And nobody ever told me why Jesus was so Caucasian. Dude looks whiter than Glenn Beck.

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha. Very good, but keep in mind. They were Jewish slaves. Everyone knows that Jewish slaves are far more better off and higher up than regular slaves. Cheers David!!

Scott: Killing babies and kids has its place with God. The Bible is replete with such references. Today's right to lifers are giving the finger to GAWD!!

And Jesus? Well, maybe he's basking in the light of his father or he had his skin bleached. Cheers Scott!!

Dianne said...

Jew Dust and the introduction of Ikea stores
see this is the crap that the mainstream religious media try to keep covered
thank you for releasing the truth

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: It's a travesty really. It's hell on earth going through life not knowing the truth. I am the light, and the way. Cheers Sexy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Ikea stores give the death penalty a bad name...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Swedish domination of the world in its most horrific form. I shudder. Cheers P-Man!!

Four Dinners said...

I'm so so glad I'm an athiest..;-)

Matt-Man said...

Four: Are you kidding me? This is so much more fun. Cheers FD!!

Lu' said...

Your "marked" photo, ha ha ha! I laughed paused and laughed again :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Hee Hee...It was ketchup Lu...but it was the tastiest pic I have ever taken. Cheers Lu!!

The Covert Lover said...

Jew Dust = Judas

Friggin' hilarious!

Matt-Man said...

Covert: Ha. Thanks. My genius is lost on some. Cheers Lover!!