Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.
Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…
Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…
I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.
Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!
Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.
In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.
Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.
You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.
However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”
And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?
Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.
God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.
So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.
Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.
Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.
They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?
Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.
Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.
But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.
The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:
I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?
Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.
I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.
After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.
I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.