Friday, June 04, 2010

Private Conversations

On some Fridays from now on, I will give you a little insight into my life by passing along some snippets from conversations that I have had during the past week.

Following, are a few little gems of verbal and oral pleasure I have been involved in recently.

Phone call with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus)…

Me: How’s things?


Richard: Not good. I had to put another one of my cats down.


Me: Eh, what a fuckin’ shame.

Talking to Ryno on the phone…

Ryno: Dad, you’ll never beat me in basketball so stick that in your juice box and suck it.


Me: I can still bring it…so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.


Ryno: Ha. You’re awful. So stick that in your microwave and heat it up for a minute and then take it out and find it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds…Yeah…Do That, Old Man!!

Sunday morning talking incessantly about nothing as Schmoop stares at me in disbelief and then says:

Schmoop: Oh Dear God Mahoney, would you shut up!?


Me: You don’t like the lilting tone of my voice as I wax poetically?


Schmoop: No…Shut up.


Me: You shut up…in fact--


Schmoop: No, YOU SHUT up


Me: But I wuuuuuvvvvvv you. I lov---


Schmoop: Shut the hell up. Better yet, go somewhere far away and leave me here alone to die in peace!!


Me: I’ll go downtown and take some pictures.


Schmoop: Thank God!!

Talking to Mika Brzezinski of Morning Joe on MSNBC through my TV:

Mika: blah blah blah…blather blather blather


Me: Jesus Christ…Shut the fuck up dumbass!!
(That is a conversation I have nearly every weekday. God she’s stupid.)

At work Monday with our beloved Beer Mine owner Drive-By Mikey:

Mikey: Where’s the lawn chair?


Me: I didn’t bring it.


Mikey: You didn’t bring it?


Me: No.


Mikey: You suck. Just for that Matty-Boy, I’m going to sing


Me: Please don--


Mikey: On the wings of a snooooow whiiiite dove…

Talking to a sitting Schmoop Thursday night:

Me: That’s an amusing comment you left today.


Schmoop: I’ll be your straight man anytime.


Me: Ooooo, and I’ll be yours…


Schmoop: Would you please quit dry humping my arm, Mahoney!?

And there you have it for this Friday…a little peek into the wonderful world of Matt-Man.

Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and your intimate speaks with others.

I’m off all day today, so Bottoms Up, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

30 comments:

Mike said...

"as Schmoop stares at me in disbelief"

Something tells me this happens a LOT.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. Yes it does. And on that point, there is no dispute. Cheers Mike!!

Jeff B said...

Damn it Mike...now I have to come up with a new comment.


Hmmm....nope, I got nothing else.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Now that was just plain hurtful...but understandable. Cheers Jeff!!

Mrs. D said...

"But I wuuuuuvvvv you...", LOL, I bet that was in an obnoxiously sweet tone of voice. I can just picture that scene, haha.

Matt-Man said...

D: Hee...She does find me endearing on some level. We just haven't dug deep enough to find that level. Cheers D!!

Desert Rat said...

Oh, those are fun! What a great idea for a post! I love the, "Would you please quit dry humping my arm, Mahoney!?" Sounds like Classic Schmoop - and I feel myself smiling as I write that! Ha!

Charlene said...

Dang. I thought you were going to tell us some overheard private conversations about dirty deeds done dirt cheap!

Scott Oglesby said...

That line by Ryno sounds like the kind of shit that I would say. Smart kid!

Michele said...

Ryno's last come back needs a little work. He's young, he's got time.

Micky-T said...

Oh Dear God Mahoney, would you shut up!?..and leave me here alone to die in peace!!

I could swear I've heard that line straight from Schmoops mouth when I visited.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha...She has some classics. I need to start writing them down. The funny thing about that comment was that unlike her typical comments it wasn't filled with expletives. Cheers Rat!!

Charlene: Oh I'm sure there will be some in the future. Just a slow week this week. Cheers Charlene!!

Scott: Ha. I agree and Schmoop and I both use that line now. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Au contraire...He intentionally formed it into a "it's so stupid and long winded" thing because he knows I hate that and yet find it funny at the same time. He was playing to his audience. Cheers Michele!!

Micky: Ha. I could hear her again as you typed it, and in all likelihood you probably did hear it when you were here. You should come back up and have some more Cassano's pizza. Cheers Mick!!

Michele said...

I stand corrected. That's a clever boy you have there.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Oh you...He is clever. If only he was as studious as he is clever. Eh, he has shown improvement. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...did she get the dry heaves when you dry-humped her? Was she drinking a Canada Dry at the time? Does she (or you) have a case of chronic dry eye, thereby requiring a prescription of Restasis?...just wondering...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. None of the above, however...

You mentioned Restasis which is one of my fave commercials to make fun of.

It's tries to make the need for fucking eyedrops a medical emergency. Cheers P-Man!!

Dana said...

SHUT UP! seems to be a common thread in your conversations ... hmmmm ...

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...On Schmoop's end I tend to talk too much so I get it. Me saying it, I just hate drivel. Cheers Dana!!

Jay said...

That microwave line by Ryno is hilarious. Classic! haha

Also, I bet Schmoop could do a blog everyday listing all the things you do and say that drive her crazy. LOL ;-)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...If I see that Restasis commercial ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna shoot myself (probably in my perfectly moist eye)!!...

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. I thought so too. And especially if you could hear him deliver it. And Schmoop, she would have great blog if she listed not only what do but what others do that irritate her, Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie: Ha...Very good. "A prescription? What is it?" How about, "It's a case of being stupid for troubling me with your fucking non-weepy eyes, Bitch." Oy!! Cheers P-Man!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I once told the Evil Twin to "shrivel up and die", so we use that line a lot now. Sounds like you and Schmoop have the same loving relationship!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: We are very intimate...or something. Cheers ETW!!

怡君 said...

77p2p影片區hi5 tv 免費影片xxx383美女寫真aa一夜情台中援交妹視訊甜心寶貝直播貼片av成人網g8mm 視訊壞朋友論壇視訊美女msvt中部人聊天室視訊網愛聊天室網路援交168論壇辣妹貼圖新竹援交38ga片下載全國最大俱樂部1007視訊xvideo打飛機專用網哈尼視訊援交友aio34c蒼井空影片下載avdvd69性殿dodo豆豆聊天室色美眉部落格 2,視訊主播脫衣秀台南視訊月宮貼圖情趣 商品拓網交友-情色視訊拓網交友情色視訊免費視訊美女,情人視訊網自拍線上av免費影片一葉情貼影禁區kiss168一葉情貼影色影cu成人bt色站girl5320cu成人bt色片打飛機專用網

david said...

>>>>it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds

Poor Schmoop...45 seconds...really???

Ryno is funny. That apple did not fall far from the tree.

Matt-Man said...

David: Not a day goes by that he doesn't make me laugh. Cheers David!!

Karen said...

Ryno is too funny!! Also, I am HUGE Willie Geist fan (stalker) so I tend to watch Morning Joe to get my daily fill of Willie. Mika is a just an idiot. I try so hard to like her, but I truly think she is on the verge of some sort of major break down. I just hope it happens on camera.

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Ha. I hope your thought for Mika comes to fruition. We'd be watching live with ya. Cheers Karen!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

HA! Between Schmoop and Ryno I haven't decided who brings more meat and potatoes to the table of conversation!!! this is an awesome addition to the Bagwine Ruminations. I think you should add in some fan mail and call it 'The Bagwine Letters'.

' Ha. You’re awful. So stick that in your microwave and heat it up for a minute and then take it out and find it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds…Yeah…Do That, Old Man!!' THAT'S funny! :D