Following, are a few little gems of verbal and oral pleasure I have been involved in recently.
Phone call with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus)…
Me: How’s things?
Richard: Not good. I had to put another one of my cats down.Me: Eh, what a fuckin’ shame.
Talking to Ryno on the phone…
Ryno: Dad, you’ll never beat me in basketball so stick that in your juice box and suck it.
Me: I can still bring it…so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Ryno: Ha. You’re awful. So stick that in your microwave and heat it up for a minute and then take it out and find it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds…Yeah…Do That, Old Man!!
Sunday morning talking incessantly about nothing as Schmoop stares at me in disbelief and then says:
Schmoop: Oh Dear God Mahoney, would you shut up!?
Me: You don’t like the lilting tone of my voice as I wax poetically?
Schmoop: No…Shut up.
Me: You shut up…in fact--
Schmoop: No, YOU SHUT up
Me: But I wuuuuuvvvvvv you. I lov---
Schmoop: Shut the hell up. Better yet, go somewhere far away and leave me here alone to die in peace!!
Me: I’ll go downtown and take some pictures.
Schmoop: Thank God!!
Talking to Mika Brzezinski of Morning Joe on MSNBC through my TV:
Mika: blah blah blah…blather blather blather
Me: Jesus Christ…Shut the fuck up dumbass!!
(That is a conversation I have nearly every weekday. God she’s stupid.)
At work Monday with our beloved Beer Mine owner Drive-By Mikey:
Mikey: Where’s the lawn chair?
Me: I didn’t bring it.
Mikey: You didn’t bring it?
Me: No.
Mikey: You suck. Just for that Matty-Boy, I’m going to sing
Me: Please don--
Mikey: On the wings of a snooooow whiiiite dove…
Talking to a sitting Schmoop Thursday night:
Me: That’s an amusing comment you left today.
Schmoop: I’ll be your straight man anytime.
Me: Ooooo, and I’ll be yours…
Schmoop: Would you please quit dry humping my arm, Mahoney!?
And there you have it for this Friday…a little peek into the wonderful world of Matt-Man.
Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and your intimate speaks with others.
I’m off all day today, so Bottoms Up, Bitches!!
Cheers!!
29 comments:
"as Schmoop stares at me in disbelief"
Something tells me this happens a LOT.
Mike: Ha. Yes it does. And on that point, there is no dispute. Cheers Mike!!
Damn it Mike...now I have to come up with a new comment.
Hmmm....nope, I got nothing else.
Jeff: Now that was just plain hurtful...but understandable. Cheers Jeff!!
"But I wuuuuuvvvv you...", LOL, I bet that was in an obnoxiously sweet tone of voice. I can just picture that scene, haha.
D: Hee...She does find me endearing on some level. We just haven't dug deep enough to find that level. Cheers D!!
Oh, those are fun! What a great idea for a post! I love the, "Would you please quit dry humping my arm, Mahoney!?" Sounds like Classic Schmoop - and I feel myself smiling as I write that! Ha!
Dang. I thought you were going to tell us some overheard private conversations about dirty deeds done dirt cheap!
That line by Ryno sounds like the kind of shit that I would say. Smart kid!
Ryno's last come back needs a little work. He's young, he's got time.
Oh Dear God Mahoney, would you shut up!?..and leave me here alone to die in peace!!
I could swear I've heard that line straight from Schmoops mouth when I visited.
Rat: Ha...She has some classics. I need to start writing them down. The funny thing about that comment was that unlike her typical comments it wasn't filled with expletives. Cheers Rat!!
Charlene: Oh I'm sure there will be some in the future. Just a slow week this week. Cheers Charlene!!
Scott: Ha. I agree and Schmoop and I both use that line now. Cheers Scott!!
Michele: Au contraire...He intentionally formed it into a "it's so stupid and long winded" thing because he knows I hate that and yet find it funny at the same time. He was playing to his audience. Cheers Michele!!
Micky: Ha. I could hear her again as you typed it, and in all likelihood you probably did hear it when you were here. You should come back up and have some more Cassano's pizza. Cheers Mick!!
I stand corrected. That's a clever boy you have there.
Michele: Oh you...He is clever. If only he was as studious as he is clever. Eh, he has shown improvement. Cheers Michele!!
...did she get the dry heaves when you dry-humped her? Was she drinking a Canada Dry at the time? Does she (or you) have a case of chronic dry eye, thereby requiring a prescription of Restasis?...just wondering...
Phfrankie: Ha. None of the above, however...
You mentioned Restasis which is one of my fave commercials to make fun of.
It's tries to make the need for fucking eyedrops a medical emergency. Cheers P-Man!!
SHUT UP! seems to be a common thread in your conversations ... hmmmm ...
Dana: Ha...On Schmoop's end I tend to talk too much so I get it. Me saying it, I just hate drivel. Cheers Dana!!
That microwave line by Ryno is hilarious. Classic! haha
Also, I bet Schmoop could do a blog everyday listing all the things you do and say that drive her crazy. LOL ;-)
...If I see that Restasis commercial ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna shoot myself (probably in my perfectly moist eye)!!...
Jay: Ha. I thought so too. And especially if you could hear him deliver it. And Schmoop, she would have great blog if she listed not only what do but what others do that irritate her, Cheers Jay!!
Phfrankie: Ha...Very good. "A prescription? What is it?" How about, "It's a case of being stupid for troubling me with your fucking non-weepy eyes, Bitch." Oy!! Cheers P-Man!!
I once told the Evil Twin to "shrivel up and die", so we use that line a lot now. Sounds like you and Schmoop have the same loving relationship!
Evil: We are very intimate...or something. Cheers ETW!!
>>>>it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds
Poor Schmoop...45 seconds...really???
Ryno is funny. That apple did not fall far from the tree.
David: Not a day goes by that he doesn't make me laugh. Cheers David!!
Ryno is too funny!! Also, I am HUGE Willie Geist fan (stalker) so I tend to watch Morning Joe to get my daily fill of Willie. Mika is a just an idiot. I try so hard to like her, but I truly think she is on the verge of some sort of major break down. I just hope it happens on camera.
Karen: Ha. I hope your thought for Mika comes to fruition. We'd be watching live with ya. Cheers Karen!!
HA! Between Schmoop and Ryno I haven't decided who brings more meat and potatoes to the table of conversation!!! this is an awesome addition to the Bagwine Ruminations. I think you should add in some fan mail and call it 'The Bagwine Letters'.
' Ha. You’re awful. So stick that in your microwave and heat it up for a minute and then take it out and find it’s not hot enough so you have to stick it back in for another 45 seconds…Yeah…Do That, Old Man!!' THAT'S funny! :D
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