Friday, June 11, 2010

Private Conversations

It’s Friday so that means it’s time for the second round of my new installment, Private Conversations…I really need to come up with a catchier title, don’t I?


This is where I put snippets of my private conversations for the week out there, so we can all have a better understanding of the Matt-Man.

Here we go…

A Wednesday phone conversation with my friend Richard (The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus) After his five minute, expletive filled diatribe about the evils of the government of Israel:

Me: Wanna go grab a knish?

Richard: Fuck you, Mahoney.

Me: Shalom.

Sunday afternoon at 2:30 talking to Schmoop:

Me: Wanna have sex?

Schmoop: Can you still have dinner ready by five o’clock?

Me: Sure…

Schmoop: Okay

A twitter convo between my friend Dana and me:

Me: Are you at work? ‘Cause I am typing this message to you completely nekkid.

Dana: Why yes, I AM at work, fully clothed, but commando - does that count?

Me: Mmmmmmmmm. You win.

Speaking of Dana…I had speaks with Schmoop about Dana’s boobs on Tuesday:

Me: I saw a new pic of Dana’s cleavage. I had to comment on her girls.

Schmoop: What did you say?

Me: I said, “I want to eat them.”

Schmoop: Aren’t you precious?

Me: Ha. I wuuuuv youuuuu.

Schmoop: Whatevs.

Talking with my boss, Drive-By Mikey and our ice delivery guy, Luis, who is Mexican:

Mikey: Holy Shit Luis. You get slower and slower unloading that ice. Did you join a union?

Luis: Ha. Fuck you. (turns to me) You think I am getting slower too?

Me: Hell dude…I could have swam across the Rio Grande and back in the time it took you to unload that shit.

Luis: Ha Ha. You suck.

I have to take Ryno to an overnight Basketball camp this morning. Yesterday I called him to make sure what time he has to be there:

Me: 8 o’clock, buddy?

Ryno: Yep.

Me: We need to take some road music. What do you want me to bring?

Ryno: How ‘bout, The Cars? (my favorite band)

Me: Awwwww. I like that.

Ryno: I thought you would.

Me: And you were right.

Ryno: Aren’t I always?

Me: You had to ruin it, didn’t ya?

Ryno: Well, I am your son, Dad.

Me: Ha, true. I love you buddy.

Ryno: I love you too.

And there you have it folks…my second installment of Private Conversations.

Have a wonderful Friday, and I shall see ya after I get back from dropping Ryno off.



Mrs. D said...

Haha at the union/Rio Grande comment. He must be paid hourly.

Matt-Man said...

D: He is, and let me tell ya....he makes damn good money and is a damn good guy. Cheers D!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I call Buddy "Buddy" all the time too. LOL.

Jeff B said...

Breaking the balls of the delivery guy...good times

Probably one of his favorite stops. Not the same old boring crap he gets at other places on his route.

Matt-Man said...

Evil: It alternates between Ryno, Buddy, and Sport. I just love the not so little anymore guy. Cheers ETW!!

Jeff: Ha...We love him and he loves us, and you're right. He enjoys coming by compared to his other stops. Cheers Jeff!!

Mike said...


Conversation - Used as a synonym for "sexual intercourse" from at least 1511.

We want pictures.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha, really? Well that makes sense since most of my conversations revolve around sex. Cheers Mike!!

Charlene said...

That Dad and Buddy back and forth brought tears to my eyes!

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: Ha...In addition to being my son, as we get older together, he's one of my best friends. Cheers Charlene!!

Scott Oglesby said...

This definitely does provide some valuable insight into the inner working of your mind.

Have you ever saw Overheard in New York? There are some funny snippets on that site as well. Reminds me of back home!

Dana said...

Precious?? Have you ever heard that song by the Pretenders??

"I was feeling kind of ethereal.
'Cause I'm precious.
I got my eye on your imperial.
You're so precious.
Now, Howard the Duck and Mister Strausbow Straid: Precious.
Trapped in a world that they never made.
But not me, baby - I'm too
Fuck off!"

Not sure why I thought of that song when reading you ...

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Yeah. Schmoop reads that site once in awhile. This does provide insight, but I don't know how valuable it is. Cheers Scott!!

Dana: Just a wild guess but perhaps the "Fuck Off" line made you think of it while reading. Cheers Dana!!

Dianne said...

I like the title Private Conversations

the convo between you and Ryno is priceless, he's a cool kid

Schmoop deserves a fucking life time achievement award for putting up with you
although you do cook
and you're probably good in bed
but still ...

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. I'm sure Schmoop would agree with you on all counts. Especially on the Lifetime Achievement Award. Cheers Sexy!!

Beth said...

I will humbly accept my Lifetime Achievement Award, and I also request Sainthood. Thank you.

Beth said...

Oh...and CASH!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: How can you become a saint when you know you are going to wind up in Hell? Cheers and Zoooooves!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...hell, I could have dinner ready by 3:00!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: In order to save time, we simply had sex on the kitchen floor. That way I could still stir the pasta sauce while I was hosing her. Cheers P-Man!!

Jay said...

I love the simple, straight forward negotiations between you and Schmoop. Apparently you having dinner done by 5 is her bottom line. She won't give on that one. LOL ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. I thought that was actually the funniest one because I can still hear her saying it in a serious, matter-of-fact way.

She does have her priorities. 1. Sleep 2. Eat. 3. Being left alone. 4. Sex. Cheers Jay!!

Matt-Man said...

Naoma明宏: And here all along, I thought Necessity was the mother of some fucked up kid named, Oscar.

Lu' said...

Ouch hope you sued a splatter screen. Hot sauce can really sting.
Have a... Buddy ol' pal :)

boo said...

Hi Matty! I tried to think of something clever to say, but last nights tequila prevents me from thinking much of anything right at the moment. Just wanted to pop in and say, "Howdy!" ^_^

Marilyn said...

I like this new thing a lot. I'll try not to miss any more of them.

Love Ryno.

Also Schmoop has nice priorities. That wasn't even a euphemism but feel free to pretend it was.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: "Did you come all over my thigh Mahoney?" was Ragu. Cheers Lu!!

Boo: Awwww man...Thanks for doing so. I so dig you and have missed ya. Hope you are well sexy. Cheers Boo!!

Marilyn: Ha. And you wonder why I like ya so much. That was funny...And you know I will. Cheers Marilyn!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

HA! Luis sounds like the produce truck guy from Chinatown I had in my nook of the Bagwine Ohio! lmao... Ryno is so funny! I am digging the new installment of "PC's"..Keep em coming, Matty.

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Every 'buddy Is named Buddy. Lmao Cheers to you Matty! Diggin the new installment of "PC's".

Matt-Man said...

Dingo Doll: Ha...Well glad I make you laugh funny girl. Keep you sarcastic shit up. Cheers Doll!!