Friday, July 09, 2010

Matt-Man's Private Conversations

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations

Wednesday on the phone with Schmoop:

Me: Hiya

Schmoop: Hi. Hey?

Me: What?

Schmoop: Can we have sex tonight?

Me: Sure!!

Schmoop: Cool.

Last Saturday at the Beer Mine talking to a regular (tipsy) who had a friend with her (also tipsy) in the passenger seat:

Me: Hiya…Smokes?

Regular: Yes, please.

Me: Five sixty fi--

Friend: Oh I want a Mountain Dew…

Me: Is this together or separate?

Friend: That’s fine.

Me: What does that mean?

Regular and Friend: Hee Hee Hee, LOL.

Yesterday on the phone with Ryno talking about his media success:

Me: So, Mr. Superstar is on the front page of the paper, eh?

Ryno: Darn right, and I look sexy.

Me: Oh please don’t---

Ryno: I’m taking a Sharpie with me to weightlifting, in case anyone wants my autograph.

Me: Oh dear God…Dude don’t get a big head, by tomorrow you’ll be as old as yesterday’s news.

Ryno: Dad, the front page may fade, but Ryan Mahoney is forever!!

Me: Ha…that was pretty good.

Ryno: Ha. I know.

Me: I’ll be over tomorrow around nine, be awake would ya?

Ryno: I’ll try…

Monday evening at the Beer Mine talking to the old, regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:

(pulls in blaring his horn)

Me: Shove that horn up your ass.

Boris: Get me a diet root beer and shut up.

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: (who has a big bucket of KFC next to him) You want a piece of chicken?

Me: Thanks, but it’s too damn hot to eat right now, but again, thank you.

Boris: Uh-huh…I bet if this was a bucket of steak you’d hit me over the head and take it from me.

Me: LOL…

Boris: See ya later.

Last night on the phone with Ryno after LeBron James announced that he was going to play for the Miami Heat:

Ryno: (crying) Hello?

Me: Hi Bud.

Ryno: (crying) This stinks.

Me: Sorry pal.

Ryno: (crying) I know.

Me: I’ll see ya tomorrow at nine. I love you, buddy.

Ryno: I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you tomorrow.

No matter how old your kid may be, or how trivial the issue may seem to us, there is nothing worse than seeing, or in this case, hearing your own kid cry.

But…he’ll recover. He is after all, just like his dad.

Off to see Ryno for a couple of hours this morning. Talk at ya all soonly.



Mrs. D said...

Sorry about the Lebron thing. That really sucks, I can see why your son would be pretty disappointed.

Matt-Man said...

Mrs. D: Yeah, he loves the guy and goes to see one game a year. He's not happy. Nice pic by the way. Purrr. Cheers D!!

Mike said...

Whatever happens to Ryno in the future you can say, "This isn't so bad. Remember when LeBron left?"

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...good point. Cheers and thanks Mike!!

Dana said...

*shakes head* You know, I get that basketball is a business, blah, blah, blah ... but seriously? What's the difference between $30M and $40M dollars (just throwing numbers out there - I have no clue what the deal actually was)? For LeBron it's all about the money. Too bad he's so short-sighted.

It's the passion for the game - the passion like Ryno has - that exemplifies what it's all about!

*steps down off my soapbox*

And Schmoop? You've got to love a woman who knows what she wants and doesn't beat around the bush (so to speak) when asking for it!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha...Schmoop never minces words, and LeBron...?

He should make all the money he can. I never give shit to people for that. I don't even do it where Palin is concerned; I'd do the same thing.

I truly think much to Cleveland's chagrin, that LeBron wants to wear a championiship ring and with Wade, Bosh, and hizzelf, they will.

How can one be mad about that? I am just sorry that Ryno misses his Cavalier. Cheers Dana!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I had honestly thought since he called a press conference he was going to announce and MJ and say he was going to play baseball.

Your son looks devilishly handsome in the paper. The girls are loving him right now….

Matt-Man said...

Scott: According to Ryno, every woman in the world loves him. Eh, I thought after all was done LJ would stay at home. Oh well. Cheers Scott!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I love the Boris guy! Too funny!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: He is quite the character. I smile every time I see him coming in or driving by. Cheers ETW!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

..nobody in the history of writing has put the words "Boris Karlof" and "KFC" in the same sentence...

Charlene said...

I was in a local AOL chat last night [yeah there's still a local one] and all these morbund guys were in there discussing the play by play of he ESPN show. It was hillarious. I like high school and college basketball but this NBA stuff is just another reality show on TV, and with that show last night it devolved into a soap opera!

I still wish there was a drive through beer depot here! Sounds like so much fun to pull into the place and honk your horn for service.

Joker_SATX said...


Jay said...

I feel bad for Ryno and Cleveland. Not sure how much more that city can take. I think they're cursed.

Eventually Ryno will learn that they'll all let him down. You can't really fault Lebron for doing what he's doing. You can fault him and ESPN for that truly disgusting spectacle last night though.

The Dish said...

Love these posts! Ryno is so yours...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Very good. I hadn't thought of that. Ha. Cheers P-Man!!

Charlene: Well you can honk my horn anytime and yeah...I like high school and college ball too but not the NBA, but my little guy loves it. Cheers Charlene!!

Joker: Ha. Which part, Joker? Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You are correct as always. It was a spectacle and really, he should have let Cleveland's mgmt. know his intentions prior to the "show". Cheers Jay!!

Dish: I am starting to dig them as well. Haven't done these conversation posts until recently. And Ryno is definitely a mini-me. Cheers Dish!!

Doc said...

That is cool about Ryan in the paper even if the outcome wasn't stellar with Lebron... and you know you would take a Sharpie and give autographs too!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Ha. Hell yeah I'd take a Sharpie with me. In fact, I keep one with me at all times. ; ) Cheers Doc!!

Andy said...

Dude, I'm lost. WTF is this about? Squalor

Matt-Man said...

Andy: Ha...It's all about me. You favorite subject. Cheers Anj!!

~Isobel~DingoDoll said...

Ha! I LOVE Boris... Shove that horn up your ass.. Shut up. Too funny!