It’s Friiiiiiday and you know what that means…That’s Right!!
It’s time for another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™
Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…
Bill: Can I help you?
Chick: (yelling) Yeah, I want to talk to that cocksucker!!
Bill: Who?
Chick: (pointing at me and angry) That cocksucker standing against the wall. He stole my virginity!!
Bill: Hey Matt-Man this woman wants to speak with you.
Me: (walking to the car) What did I do? I---
Chick: (laughing) Hi cocksucker, need a ride?
Me: Ha. Sure!!
It turned out to be my old girlfriend from High School!!
With the aforementioned old girlfriend in the Bagwine digs minutes later…
Me: So, how’s tricks?
OGF: Eh, okay. I kinda want to find someone to date.
Me: Sweet…I’m available on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays.
OGF: I said I want to find someone to date, not do!!
Me: Rats.
Tuesday night working the Beer Mine as my old, Boris Karloff looking customer pulls in…
Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.
Me: There ya go.
Boris: Could you hand me one of them?
Me: There ya go.
Boris: You know? You’d make a good butler.
Me: Ha. You couldn’t afford me.
Boris: Just like everything else in this place. See ya.
Thursday evening seeing one of my shirts that Schmoop laid out for her to wear to work today…
Me: Hey, that’s my shirt.
Schmoop: Yeah? So?
Me: Well you could at least ask if you could wear it.
Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.
Me: Good point.
And there you have it for this week folks. Off today, partying and catching up on blogs!!
Make sure to listen to I’m with Stupid with Jay and me this Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.
Among other things we will be celebrating Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement so call in with your sins and you will be absolved…or ridiculed.
Bottoms Up, and as always...
Cheers!!
It’s Friiiiiiiday so you know what that means. That’s right…
Another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™
Saturday Morning at the Bagwine digs getting ready for work…
Schmoop: Would you like me to make a sandwich for you to take to work?
Me: Sure!!
Schmoop: Baloney, okay?
Me: Hell yes.
Schmoop: Want the rind left on or not?
Me: Ha…Oh you’re a riot.
Schmoop: Hee Hee…I crack myself up.
Tuesday evening working at the Beer Mine as my regular who looks like Boris Karloff pulls in…
Boris: Get me a Diet Dew and be snappy about it.
Me: Here ya go.
Boris: How’s the website going?
Me: Just fine…doing an internet radio show now too.
Boris: (evidently setting up a joke) I had my own TV show for 25 years, y’know.
Me: Really? What, The Bozo Show?
Boris: (chuckling) You’re pretty quick tonight. See ya.
Saturday morning on the couch with Ryno prior to him, his mom, and his friends going to King’s Island…
Me: (putting my hand on his leg) Hope you guys have fun. I love you buddy.
Ryno: Um…could you get your hand off my thigh; I don’t see you buying me dinner anywhere in the near future.
Mom: Ryan!!
Me and Ryno: Hee Hee Hee.
Me: Good one.
And there you have it for this week, folks.
Have a wonderful Friday and a great weekend.
Don’t forget…If you get the chance, listen to I'm With Stupid with Jayman and I Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.
Until then…
Cheers!!
It’s my much anticipated Friday off and boy do I have a hodgepodge of things for you lovable perverts today.
First of all, when I got home Thursday night, I noticed Schmoop had cleaned the digs. She never does that on Thursday.
I also noticed she had her wife beater laid out in the bathroom for Friday. I don’t recall her wearing that to work.
I think she is taking Friday off an hasn’t told me. We shall see if I am right.
A couple of days ago, Kimmeh, (who is also off today) and I decided that today would be deemed National Naked Tweeting Day.
So, if you are so inclined, hook up with us on Twitter and get naked, Bitches!!
Last night at work, a regular hubby and wife duo came through with their dog. I noticed something incredibly special about their dog.
They allowed me to take its picture, and now allow me to show you something…
Many of you are familiar with the creepy Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s, It…
Ladies and Gentlemen…I give you Pennywise the Dog…
Is that creepy or what? I think the mutt looks just like Pennywise!! Look into those deadlights.
In the comments yesterday I mentioned that I was going to shave my head today. Too Late…I did it late Thursday morning…
Holy Cow!! I gots some big ears. I find that ironic ‘cause I still can never hear a damn thing.
If at some point today my website is fucked up it’s because I may fiddle with the look. Yeah, that’s how exciting my life is.
I recently hooked up on the internets with a blogger who is new to me, and maybe you have noticed her comments here on Bagwine.
Her name is Raquel, and she authors the site, Raquel’s World. I don’t know her well, but already kinda dig her, so if you get a chance, stop by her site by clicking HERE, and give her a hearty hello.
Lastly, since it is Friday, how about a couple of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations entries…
Monday night when a slightly tipsy Schmoop picked me up from work at the Beer Mine:
Schmoop: Oooooo, you’re all sweaty.
Me: Yeah, I know.
Schmoop: I wish I had a strap-on right now. I’d take you in the cooler and fuck ya.
Me: That’s nice.
Tuesday talking to Bagwine fave, the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:
Boris: Gimme a Diet Dew, and don’t tell me it's five dollars, you robber.
Me: I won’t; itsa buck sixty-six.
Boris: Where’s your other two robber friends?
Me: I don’t kn--
Boris: You’re like John Dillinger and they’re like Frank and Jesse James.
Me: Ha. I gue---
Boris: You know who Frank and Jesse James were, dontcha?
Me: Weren’t they a Vaudeville Act in the 20’s?
Boris: Smartass…See ya later.
That’s all I have for today. If breaking Bagwine news happens during my day off drunkenness, I’ll let ya know.
Have a good one, all.
Cheers!!
Friday night was not the best of nights.
A relationship that has survived for years came to an abrupt end.
It has left me heartbroken, sick to my stomach, and more than a bit tearful.
The two of us had been through thick and thin, ups and downs, and were as close as close could be, but…
It’s time for both of us to move on. Our relationship has become irreparable.
You see last night at work something happened that set this course to its natural conclusion.
I bent down to grab a 30 pack of Busch Light for a customer and this happened…
That’s right, Mr. Happy Pants split. He was already tattered prior to this, but this was the last straw, or in this case, last thread.
I am sickened and grieving that I can no loner ensconce myself in him for we have been together for a dozen plus years.
But alas, all good things must come to an end. Rest well, Mr. Happy Pants, rest well.
On a lighter note, I finally did it. I got a picture of the Beer Mine’s favorite Boris Karloff looking, old curmudgeon…
Ladies and Gentlemen, you know him; you love him. Bagwine’s own, Gary!!
Yes indeed. And as you can see, I actually got the old bastard to smile.
Of course he still had to parse another pearl of sarcasm upon me Friday night.
Boris/Gary: What’s that up around your neck?
Me: What are you talking about?
Boris/Gary: It looks like your asshole.
Me: What?
Boris/Gary: Well, everything else in this Drive-Thru is higher than hell so I thought your asshole would be up there too.
I so love that man. And as I will be working 11-9 today, I will undoubtedly get to listen to him more than a couple of times today.
Enjoy your Saturday, and as always…
Cheers!!
It’s Friday again, so it’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations ™. This week they are all Beer Mine related…
Wednesday morning talking to Schmoop as she got ready for work:
Schmoop: Did you get rained on during your walk to work yesterday afternoon?
Me: Yes I did.
Schmoop: Eh, what a fucking shame.
Wednesday evening talking to Schmoop after she got home from work:
Me: Mikey just called. I’m going to be filling in at work for Pizza Bill through next Thursday.
Schmoop: How come?
Me: He is going to Florida for a few days.
Schmoop: Bill? The man who hates the heat and gets ass chap, is going to Florida?
Me: I guess so.
Schmoop: Ass Chap Boy in Florida…hmmmm…That doesn't make a lot of fucking sense.
(You can see that one of Schmoop’s fave words is “Fuck” or variations thereof.)
Drive-By Mikey and I at our meeting Wednesday upon seeing that one of dudes in the meeting looked exactly like Sammy Davis, Jr.:
Mikey: Hee Hee…Look Matt.
Me: Holy Shit, it’s Sammy Davis, Jr.!!
Mikey: Hee, I know…Who can take the sunrise. Sprinkle it in dew?
Me: Cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two…
Me and Mikey: The Candyman…The Candyman can. Hee Hee Hee.
Same meeting upon seeing a gorgeous, 6’2 blonde chick sporting 3” heels, a big sweet ass, and ginormous tits:
Mikey: Holy shit. Look at that woman.
Me: Oh my. She’s hot.
Mikey: Everything on that chick is huge.
Me: Indeed…Oh yeah.
Mikey: I know she doesn’t have trouble dropping babies, ’cause I bet her vagina is the size of a softball.
Me: LOL
Mikey: Of course they’d have to lay her across two birthing tables.
Me: Ha. Shut up.
Monday night talkin’ to the old regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff, and buys houses and rents them out for a living:
Boris: Gimme one of those high priced Diet Mountain Dews.
Me: Sure thing.
Boris: See that house across the street that’s for sale?
Me: Sure do.
Boris: I’m gonna buy it so I can stand in the front yard and throw rocks at you.
Me: Ha. Of course you are.
Boris: See ya later.
Other than Sunday, I am working everyday through next Thursday, so I’ll catch ya all when I can.
Have a great Friday and a wonderful weekend.
Cheers!!
It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations…
Wednesday on the phone with Schmoop:
Me: Hiya
Schmoop: Hi. Hey?
Me: What?
Schmoop: Can we have sex tonight?
Me: Sure!!
Schmoop: Cool.
Last Saturday at the Beer Mine talking to a regular (tipsy) who had a friend with her (also tipsy) in the passenger seat:
Me: Hiya…Smokes?
Regular: Yes, please.
Me: Five sixty fi--
Friend: Oh I want a Mountain Dew…
Me: Is this together or separate?
Friend: That’s fine.
Me: What does that mean?
Regular and Friend: Hee Hee Hee, LOL.
Yesterday on the phone with Ryno talking about his media success:
Me: So, Mr. Superstar is on the front page of the paper, eh?
Ryno: Darn right, and I look sexy.
Me: Oh please don’t---
Ryno: I’m taking a Sharpie with me to weightlifting, in case anyone wants my autograph.
Me: Oh dear God…Dude don’t get a big head, by tomorrow you’ll be as old as yesterday’s news.
Ryno: Dad, the front page may fade, but Ryan Mahoney is forever!!
Me: Ha…that was pretty good.
Ryno: Ha. I know.
Me: I’ll be over tomorrow around nine, be awake would ya?
Ryno: I’ll try…
Monday evening at the Beer Mine talking to the old, regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:
(pulls in blaring his horn)
Me: Shove that horn up your ass.
Boris: Get me a diet root beer and shut up.
Me: Here ya go.
Boris: (who has a big bucket of KFC next to him) You want a piece of chicken?
Me: Thanks, but it’s too damn hot to eat right now, but again, thank you.
Boris: Uh-huh…I bet if this was a bucket of steak you’d hit me over the head and take it from me.
Me: LOL…
Boris: See ya later.
Last night on the phone with Ryno after LeBron James announced that he was going to play for the Miami Heat:
Ryno: (crying) Hello?
Me: Hi Bud.
Ryno: (crying) This stinks.
Me: Sorry pal.
Ryno: (crying) I know.
Me: I’ll see ya tomorrow at nine. I love you, buddy.
Ryno: I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you tomorrow.
No matter how old your kid may be, or how trivial the issue may seem to us, there is nothing worse than seeing, or in this case, hearing your own kid cry.
But…he’ll recover. He is after all, just like his dad.
Off to see Ryno for a couple of hours this morning. Talk at ya all soonly.
Cheers!!
Last Friday standing outside the Beer Mine after I had walked up to get my check, a hot chick pulls in and Pizza Bill waits on her…
Boris: Get me a 12 pack of Diet-Mountain Dew and put it in the bed, if it’s not too much trouble.
Schmoop: You don’t ask me before you wear my underwear.
