Matt-Man's Private Conversations

It’s time for another installment of Matt-Man’s Private Conversations…

Wednesday on the phone with Schmoop:

Me: Hiya

Schmoop: Hi. Hey?

Me: What?

Schmoop: Can we have sex tonight?

Me: Sure!!

Schmoop: Cool.

Last Saturday at the Beer Mine talking to a regular (tipsy) who had a friend with her (also tipsy) in the passenger seat:

Me: Hiya…Smokes?

Regular: Yes, please.

Me: Five sixty fi--

Friend: Oh I want a Mountain Dew…

Me: Is this together or separate?

Friend: That’s fine.

Me: What does that mean?

Regular and Friend: Hee Hee Hee, LOL.

Yesterday on the phone with Ryno talking about his media success:

Me: So, Mr. Superstar is on the front page of the paper, eh?

Ryno: Darn right, and I look sexy.

Me: Oh please don’t---

Ryno: I’m taking a Sharpie with me to weightlifting, in case anyone wants my autograph.

Me: Oh dear God…Dude don’t get a big head, by tomorrow you’ll be as old as yesterday’s news.

Ryno: Dad, the front page may fade, but Ryan Mahoney is forever!!

Me: Ha…that was pretty good.

Ryno: Ha. I know.

Me: I’ll be over tomorrow around nine, be awake would ya?

Ryno: I’ll try…

Monday evening at the Beer Mine talking to the old, regular customer who looks like Boris Karloff:

(pulls in blaring his horn)

Me: Shove that horn up your ass.

Boris: Get me a diet root beer and shut up.

Me: Here ya go.

Boris: (who has a big bucket of KFC next to him) You want a piece of chicken?

Me: Thanks, but it’s too damn hot to eat right now, but again, thank you.

Boris: Uh-huh…I bet if this was a bucket of steak you’d hit me over the head and take it from me.

Me: LOL…

Boris: See ya later.

Last night on the phone with Ryno after LeBron James announced that he was going to play for the Miami Heat:

Ryno: (crying) Hello?

Me: Hi Bud.

Ryno: (crying) This stinks.

Me: Sorry pal.

Ryno: (crying) I know.

Me: I’ll see ya tomorrow at nine. I love you, buddy.

Ryno: I love you too, Dad. I’ll see you tomorrow.

No matter how old your kid may be, or how trivial the issue may seem to us, there is nothing worse than seeing, or in this case, hearing your own kid cry.

But…he’ll recover. He is after all, just like his dad.

Off to see Ryno for a couple of hours this morning. Talk at ya all soonly.

Cheers!!

Lebron James: Stay in Cleveland for Ryno's Sake!!

We interrupt my spy story for an exclusive news story...My son appeared on the front page of the Springfield News-Sun today...

What follows is shocking, but it makes me so damn proud.

By Nick Walton, Staff Writer
5:29 PM Wednesday, July 7, 2010

SPRINGFIELD — For Cleveland Cavaliers fans like 15-year-old Ryan Mahoney, LeBron James’ announcement about his professional future to a worldwide audience tonight at 9 on ESPN is a welcome ending to the offseason speculation.

“I just got tired of waking up every morning turning on Sportscenter and hearing ‘LeBron’s getting closer to the [New York] Knicks or the [Miami] Heat,’ ” Mahoney said. “Every day it seemed like there was a new team he was getting closer to [signing with].”

Mahoney, who is a player on the Emmanuel Christian Academy boys basketball team, has rooted for James and the Cavaliers for five years and has attended one game every year since then.

In his room, Mahoney has multiple posters of James, pictures from the games he attended, multiple jerseys and even a pair of James’ signature shoes.

Mahoney said he is confident James will stay with Cleveland but added it would be crushing if he announces that he’s leaving.

“It would be a sad day in Ohio,” Mahoney said.

Even if James leaves, Mahoney said he will still root for the team.

Ryno's picture is smack dab on the front page as well, but I haven't gotten a paper yet. I'm off to do just that. He's so damn cute.

Cheers!!